thinking, but not too much

 The LBTEPA train got rather hesitantly back on track on the weekend. I walked for over 2 hours, reasonably quickly; no running though, the lungs wouldn't stand it in the cold air.  My current challenge is to not live the next 6 weeks (until the half marathon I intended/have paid/was well on track to do before I got sick) all at once in my head. I can't write off walking on July 26th yet - but I will be able to tell quite soon whether it'll be worth the weekend away/train ticket/accommodation to have a crack at it. My call now, based on current progress, would be 'no', which is massively disappointing and a huge worry concerning my planned November marathon. See how it works? I have to live in the future a little bit, but too much time there and I'm all sad and discouraged. LBTEPA the tightrope walker.
I'm continuing the gym workouts. The pitilessly accurate mirrors are, alas, still there, as are the startled looks from people I haven't seen for a couple of years. But no matter - it's the price I pay to get stronger. It is what it is. I don't have to like it. On my first visit the chickybabe who wrote my program spouted now let me know if there are any exercises you don't like and we'll change them, the most important thing is that you enjoy yourself. 
No it isn't, quoth I sternly, the most important thing is that I do it. She looked puzzled, but the feeble notions of gym staff are not my problem.

A daily gobful of this and I'm sorted!

More anon, sluggers!

me and fred

Yesterday ate itself in the office- now that the Spousal Unit isn't working, I am am seeing more clients and doing more hours, and I had got a fair way behind with auditable (if that's a word) stuff after being knocked around by the everlasting lurgi, now thankfully in abeyance. Then, becuase my second major priority is family,  I had committed myself to picking up a kid in another town so Noddie could practise her new duo etc etc, so the day was pretty cactus. BUT because I've reinstated health as a major priority (three is manageable, do you think?), I hacked out 20 minutes from somewhere in the late afternoon before we headed off to Friday night at my father-in-law's.
I did feet and ankle strengthening, plus balance and agility AKA TAP PRACTICE!!! TAPPING IS SO MUCH FUN!!! I have to tell you, darls, I am just thrilled to bits with my newly-constructed ability to hop. 10,000,000 reps of glute strengthening exercises are boring but by crikey they are effective. I may have my theraband bronzed.

The Spousal Unit sometimes helps me practise

Off to the gym again now. I've even bought some new workout pants. Where will this end?

More anon, knock-hop-steppers!

on it

Went to gym didn't die didn't cry. Hate the mirrors. The end.

don't

In the spirit of 'if you can't be a good example be a dire warning', LBTEPA's press department has released the following sms from LBTEPA to her dear friend the Mighty Emma.

Nothing like 1st trip to gym in 18m for a reality check bp25 points higher both systolic and diastolic :( :( feeling so ashamed and overwhelmed far more work to do than I realised sat in car and cried nothing for it but to press on I know but wow who knew you could fuck things up so badly in 3 yrs of sloth

The gym people insisted on taking my blood pressure because they needed to know if I was going to have a heart attack. They had a new machine with a very big cuff. They told me that if my blood pressure had been two points higher I would have needed a doctor's letter to start using the gym. I was deeply, deeply shocked and upset. I went home very soon after that. I've been teary all day.
So learn from me, little ones.....
Watch where you're walking. Don't injure yourself on a fucking piece of concrete 3cm high. Be more assertive with your medical professionals. Don't take months and months to get diagnosed and treated. Don't spend eight months with a wanker of a physio who clearly hasn't a clue. Don't have family crises. Stay focused on your health. DO NOT WAVER. Don't get distracted. Don't get sad. Don't get overwhelmed. Don't neglect your fitness. Find a way. DO NOT GIVE UP. Don't get sick all the time. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT comfort eat and drink. Don't gain 20kg.
And whatever you do, don't kid yourself.  Or you'll find yourself sitting in your car crying and wishing you could rewind everything and do it all properly so you didn't have to face such a daunting task.
And now? We press on, for that is the LBTEPA way. We are dauntless! It says so in the sidebar! We stop eating frozen lunches and rice crackers and stop drinking wine during the week (yes, I'm kidding myself, again, already) and stop drinking coffee and walk every morning and go back to the gym (scheduled for 6am Thursday). Even though we just want it all to go away. For things are how they are, and no point wasting energy wanting a time machine.
Onward!

More anon, strivers!

things afoot

many, many things are afoot here at the LBTEPA Institute of Physical Perfection, including LBTEPA herself, after an extremely discouraging (and, no doubt, utterly de-conditioning) two weeks of chest infection. I will not describe what I was coughing up.
But enough of that.
Tomorrow morning I am fronting up at the gym for a new programme. I keep forgetting to cancel my membership so I might as well use the bloody thing. I am quite prepared for the following
- intense feelings of shame
- wanting to punch the lithe and quite likely clueless young thing writing my programme in the face
- wanting to cry and run away
- resisting the 'encouragement' to get weighed (I know I'm fat), have my 'biological age'  measured (it told me last time that I shouldn't be buying green bananas), and my blood pressure taken  - how fun to have you ignore my statement that the normal cuff won't fit and then have to go and get the lardarse one out of the cupboard with a disgusted/pitying look on your face.
- an argument about refusing to do gym cardio. My physio and I have appropriate cardio sorted.
- having to ask several times for what I want, which is this:
1. 5 or 6 upper body exercises designed to strengthen my swimming
2. a core/glute workout that does not hurt my knees or aggravate my achilles
Now I may be being a bit negative as I had a big weekend in the big smoke with my dear little Noddie, and I'm quite tired. Maybe it will all go wonderfully! I hope so....but if it doesn't, I'll go anyway. I'm not giving up.
 

Hahahahahaha look what came up when I g00g1ed 'perseverance' - an old watering hole from uni days! Classic!
More anon, iron pumpers!

not the usual

for the first time in twelve years I didn't walk on Mother's day. My dad is in hospital in Melbourne so my Mum is up there, and I've been so sick with the latest lurgi (?maybe actually the 'flu? goddamn painful and debilitating ) that I have barely been out of bed let alone out of the house in the wind and rain for the last three days. I've been so sick I didn't really care I couldn't walk this morning, although I did have a bit of a cry when I got out of the shower and got dressed and then had to go back tp bed for another 2 hours instead of heading out.
But I'll walk again. I'll run again, and ride my bike and lift weights and swim and be well. Today we watched Crackerjack and Flying Down to Rio and Noddie painted my nails and I read my new book. It's been a really nice day
Happy Mother's Day to you!

the usual

This is more a set of must-remember-this-for-next-week thoughts than a 'proper' blog post. Good thing it's my blog and that's what it's for, eh? As seems so frequent these days, I slide off the path of good habits at regular intervals, and then veer back on, off, on, off.....how to write an engaging and inspiring blog from that? I dunno. Possibly can't be done?
Life at Chez LBTEPA has chugged on - working quite long hours (for me) coaching the Spousal Unit into the role of House Husband Extraordinaire, getting every single jolly lurgi going around... the usual! My five faithful readers will be p[leased to note that I'm definitely not going back to the old hysterical 'oh woe, this means I'll never get back to being an athlete again and will be fat and broken forever'... posts, although I have definitely been there in my head, lots of times. The scales are my enemy because they mess with my head a bit but I have thought hard about it all and they do serve a purpose so they are staying.
I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately and had come to the conclusion that I hadn't really forgiven my ex-friend re Goofy, because I hadn't told her so. So I did. A lot of things were said that I'd wanted to say, unfortunately by text becuase that's how it unfolded. At her end there was a lot of justifying and more of the self-deluded BS she obviously indulged in to make it all right for herself. She has totally reshaped the whole thing in her mind to me forgetting she told me about it. There is no font big enough for the HA! I have for that. It was all very dramatic and unsettling but now it's closed at last. I won't be contacting her again, and I don't feel even the slightest bit ambivalent now. 
*patient sigh from one of the five faithful readers* : LBTEPA, this is an exercise blog - what have you been up to?
I'm back to the bike a bit more now (me, the trainer and 27 years of Ironman Kona - what could be nicer?), not much swim, a little bit of running -  20sec every crossroad or corner now, and every 3 min on my long walks. Up to 22km now! Woot! We've had such a lovely spell of autumn weather. It's a huge pleasure to walk beside the river.

This week's veering-back will include tracking food, more roller, getting-done-what-I-can-while-the-lurgi-bites, and lots of water. See- the usual!
More anon, suncatchers!

phew

well that was a week
father-in-law bad fall + heart attack + poor nursing care ...but home soon
spousal unit rushed to hospital yesterday morning with elevated bp and abdominal pain - turned out to be kidney stones but maybe, just maybe he'll start looking after his hypertension and blood sugar better? I hope so...the ambo said I should make him take his medication, and when I told Noddie this she said but Mummy, you try - you try and try!
Le sigh
Anyway he's home and in no pain and the f-i-l is on the mend
I've used exercise as stress management and logged my food and set little limits, like you can't have a bikkie until you've hung out the washing. I haven't gained any weight and I did all my core work and weights which I think are the building blocks for remaining injury free.
I've got some more complicated things to say about injury and weight but I'm still quite tired so if I wrote them now they'd sound like whingeing. I'll get onto it later
In the meantime, I am just grateful that J is better and we live in a place where we can ring the ambulance and get looked after so well soeasily.
More anon, smilers!

FTW

a bit's been happening at Casa del LBTEPA. Among other things, the Spousal Unit's Dad is in hospital, which is very worrying. So your heroine has been sleeping badly and eating a bit of who-can-be-stuffed-cooking-at-eight-thirty-pm.
This morning I had to go out for my walk, as I am out this evening. I didn't want to go. I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go. When I found myself on the front lawn in my exercise clothes with a FLAT 1p0d, it was crunch time. Oh so many excuses filled the LBTEPA noggin. Legitimate reasons also featured. I was torn! So..I went back inside
....found the spare 1p0d and set off. I hated every second of it. There was no sweaty redemption. I still felt like crying when I got home.
But - and this is the point, if there's anyone out there reading this who's at the beginner/will I won't I stage of his or her athletic life - I did it. The sweating got done. My health will thank me.
SO I WIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
sorry got a bit carried away there
More anon, stargazers!

Happy

I'm in a good place lately. I like it. I am seeing myself as an athlete again. I'm feeling proud of my strength and how it's gradually increasing. I'm stepping back from comparisons with my old self and with others. I love being outside on my own exercising, listening to music and concentrating on holding my form and on my hydration and nutrition strategies. I'm so buzzed on my long walk/runs - because yes, my friends, I'm doing a teeeeeny little bit of running on my long runs now, just 30sec every 3 minutes, not enough to piss off the achilles but keeping the pace up - that I'm enjoying my gels!
I've no doubt this enthusiasm will ebb and flow, and there will be other sufferfests as well as superwoman days, but geez, peeps, I travelled 18km on foot last Friday! It was meant to be 17.5 but the mozzies were so feral I had to keep going until the Spousal Unit came to pick me up. Me, all by myself! No achilles pain, plenty of core/lower back/bum soreness - just as it should be. I got into my post-run compression tights for the first time in forever, 'cause I'm seeing myself as that sort of athlete again. I'm saving my injini toes socks until I go over 20km, though. Can't be too excitable.

 I love the rail trail

More anon, sweaters!

Sneaky

I came home from work yesterday with my head feeling as though it was bruised - I think I'm getting a head cold or something, but oh my word last night it just ached and ached. So I dosed up and went to bed early and then woke up early and I thought, if I get up now and go for my walk, I'll be back before I realise how dodgy I'm feeling! So I did! Haha! Gotcha, stupid bug! I'll do weights and core after work, they're easy (in that I don't have to go out and I can watch Ir0nman on y0tube).
No long walk last week, the Ballarat rellies arrived unexpectedly so we all went to the beach. Fret not, avid trackers of ESM* training, I'm still On Schedule so it wasn't a drama.

I was very happy about a couple of exercise-related things on the weekend  (I was happy about a lot of things, but this blog isn't about hot cross buns): firstly, I got to the end of the music on my ip0d! It's in alphabetical order (don't judge), so when Abba rang in my ears on Friday, I knew I had spent more than 21 hours walking over the last few weeks. This pleases me enormously.

The other happy thing was a lovely walk with the family along the backwater to the Entrance and back along the beach. It was very nice to be out, but the most exciting thing is that it was sand all the way. Sand, as my five faithful readers will know, is the enemy of the unstable gait. Wet sand and walking lopsided in the water on a sloping beach, even more so. But I did it, and I have had no achilles niggles! This. Is. Huge.

More anon, wave-jumpers!

Gosh we live in a nice place

*Extremely Slow Marathon

mixed feelings

hi blog (hangs head) I've neglected you, I know. No ticks on The Chart this week. Actally hardly any in any boxes - although I have done most of my cardio, 2/3 of my weight workouts and all of my piano practice! But my life is all about veering back to my path so that's what I'm doing. In exciting news, I've banned BFD (Big F***ing Deal) from my life! By this I mean, so what, I went for a walk 3 times this week. BFD, I used to be able to run 8km without thinking. This type of thought is now being ruthlessly eradicated from my noggin.

(Thanks for the quote, Tea! It's plastered all over my house now)
It's a good time  for it, becuase a couple of days from now is the third anniversary of my arrival in Planet Broken Hell. Three years ago I was 15kg lighter and could run 20km without too much bother. This week I've given myself a little 'present' of 15 seconds of running every time I cross a road or turn a corner on my shorter walks. I worked out it's about 4 minutes out of 30. This doesn't actually make me feel very pleased or triumphant. It feels rubbish. I accept that. I have to go through now to get to later.
Don't start on me, please. I AM a deliberately  and actively grateful person. I am very much aware and appreciative that the Spousal Unit and Noddie are happy and healthy and I live in a pleasant small town in a peaceful first world country. I can go and buy a coffee whenever I like. I can walk for 3 hours, which I am happier about than I can say. But I did start this new 'running' program yesterday because only being able to run for 15 seconds feels like a f***ing joke. Mixed feelings, you see.
I'm walking 17km tomorrow, but not to get a pie becuase it's good Friday.

 Next post I will tell you all about it, and also how I am using the government to help modify my habits.
More anon, mysteriosos!

too big for my boots

or to be precise, my boots are too big for me! The new shoes I bought are the same numerical size and the same length as my old ones, but a different brand and a completely differnt shape *sad face* No wonder my feet felt bruised and the whole epically slow schemozzle was so epiqally slow! I was all sad because we're a bit short of the spondooleh at the moment, and running shoes are not cheap. That'll teach me to refuse to buy my normal brand from a frowny lady with prison-wardress social skills and negligible grasp of personal space. But she insisted on putting on my try-on sock for me! I wasn't giving her any money!*
This morning I noticed a  lairy yellow sticker on the shoe box. It offered a 30 day guarantee of satisfaction - I've heard of such things (I read a lot of American blogs) but never seen one. Pretty exciting! Tomorrow I'll pop over and ask if it's really true - can I muck up my shoe sizing and get away with it? Will I be able to return to my tried-and-true brand, chastened but not skint? We shall see....
In other news, did you watch the Ironman yesterday? I am so happy I spent hours wrestling with the stupid internet so we could stream the live feed onto the tv. OMG WHAT FINISHES!!!!!
More anon, strivers!

*LBTEPA would like to assure her five faithful readers that no exclamation marks were harmed in the writing of this post.

toolbox

All endurance sport athletes have a toolbox of strategies they use when things are sub-optimal, to quote the great Chrissie Wellington.
As a public service, I'm going to share the ones I used on yesterday's training walk. As context, the Spousal Unit had been good enough during the week  to share his GI issues, and I'd had two appalling nights' sleep prior to setting out. Here's what I used to get the job done
- gels and water I learn, I learn

- re-tying my shoes
- re-lacing my shoes
- rubbing the inflamed bit on the top of my foot
- realising that the stupid inflamed bit on the top of my foot comes and goes as it pleases so you might as well keep going
- swearing to myself that I would borrow a mobile from the next person I met and get a lift home
- swearing to myself
- swearing out loud
- several jolly good talkings-to
- Rocky's 'it ain't how hard you can hit' speech on my ip0d, that flows into the Rocky theme dah dah dada dah dah dah dada dah.....

- sorting the music on your ip0d alphabetically, and being pleased you're up to R
- working out a loop course, 'cause that out and back and those repeated loops were Not Happening
- thinking about stopping
- realising you've stopped and yelling at yourself (secluded areas of the trail only)
- noticing your achilles only hurts when you're slumping forward, and STANDING THE #### UP STRAIGHT
- imagining this is the last  8-7-6-5 etc km of the marathon
- imagining this is the last  8-7-6-5 etc km of the ironman
- Relentless Forward Motion. Just Keep Moving
- thinking about beer
Hope this helps! 
More anon, legends!

Hoppity

The way to re-learn hopping is to hop. Goodness knows what the people on the ground floor are thinking

more anon, megapods!

Squeeze

Hi Blog!
Here's what the boffins at the LBTEPA Institute for Extreme Braininess learned today.
- Some people's bum muscles work without them making them work. LBTEPA is not yet one of these people. But it is fun to stride along muttering squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze to oneself. And I can feel the difference in power and (ahem) 'speed'.
- Hydration and fuel make all the difference when one is exercising in warm weather for over two hours, even quite slowly. Or they would have made all the difference if I'd taken any with me. It was a good opportunity to channel my hero Chris McCormack and

I am so getting one of these shirts

- tap (ahem) 'dancing' is fun even when your legs are grizzling. I just channelled another hero, Jens Voigt

-  when did I lose the ability to hop? Another project!
More anon, shufflers!

A, B and C

A) I'd just like to thank the developers and manufacturers of amoxycillan for their fine work. Sleep! Energy! Not wanting to tear off your own head and get it over with! Yay!
B)

Squee!!!! According to The ESM* Schedule, I'll be walking well over 21km by then so this should be a Nice Day Out with a few thousand of my closest friends . The website specifies no cutoff time, but says they'll put you on the footpath if you look like taking more than four hours. a) I plan to finish around then, and b) I've been on the footpath before, so  c) I don't care, so long as they give me a medal at the end. I neeeeeed some bling.
You know what I love about this whole racing bizzo? It's familiar. I know what to do. I know how to do it. I know how to be tired, or discouraged (bloody hell who knew how hard it is to stand on one leg and keep your hips and shoulders level? I'm up to 15 seconds now...can world domination be far off?)  or sick, and yet be aware that this is part of the process. If I keep going I'll get there, and there is somewhere big and cool and amazing. It's such a lovely feeling. If I bang on and on about it, it's becuase I've missed it so much that I get teary thinking about it, and I'm just so bloody grateful to be back doing this thing I love. Slowly and heavily, but out there Dreaming Big again.
C) Noddie is teaching me to tap dance! It's a) very hard on the tragically weak LBTEPA calves, ankles and core b) very good for the tragically poor LBTEPA balance and co-ordination, and c) really good fun!
More anon, step-touchers!
*Extremely Slow Marathon

Thanks, Tea

"Repeated behavior becomes a habit, so natural that we don't even have to think about. It just happens. It's not magic. It's a change of behavior. "

 Wise words from the mighty Tea

Spot on, darl. Now to repeat some behaviour.....

Laid low by lurgi

It's been quite a while since the Bastard Sinuses have struck with such ferocity and I am focusing on appreciating that fact as I drag myself around, sweating gently (initially typed swearing gently, also true) but not in a good way. The new treatment protocol appears to have increased both the time between infections, and the time it takes for an infection to really grab hold. I've even been able to head off a couple before they turn full-blown, which hasn't been possible before. So that's very good!  I'm working, walking, sleeping and drinking water. If the Spousal Unit puts food in front of me I eat it. It's all good. Painful, a bit disappointing, but ok. So how was the physio visit, you ask? I got the impression he's much more interested in getting skinnyfasts around the Ironman than me around a walking marathon - but that thought may have been the infected sinuses talking. I've got power now in my glutes, but they don't fire very well unless provoked, and my balance is still a bit wonky. So it''s the fitball for me, and quite a lot of standing on one leg in front of a mirror. Onward!
More anon, bouncers!

Adding it up

Hi There Blog! Fancy seeing me again! But you see, it's On The Chart that I should blog twice weekly. There's a bit to talk about - and that's what you're here for, Blog. So that my dear Spousal Unit isn't too bored with my everlasting yapping, and becuase writing things down helps me remember them. So. What have I learned from examining the data I have gathered On The Chart so far? Later in the week is a black hole as far as workouts are concerned. Why? Because I'm working a lot, I get very tired and sometimes I deal with that with an extra wine or two. Then it's harder to get up early, and when I do I'm doing the zombie shuffle not hurling myself out the door.
Response: after work each day I'm going to do a 10 minute mindfulness meditation to re-set myself emotionally. I predict that this will change both my eating and drinking, and my sleep. I'll let you know.
I went to a tri club talk on injury prevention on Tuesday. It was very interesting and helpful, although daunting to be around all the happy confident skinnyfasts. I was glad I went. I proved to myself it didn't matter what my feelings were, just that I did what I said I was going to. I am back to the physio this week for a review, though, and some recommendations about core strengthening.
ESM* training update: 10.5km yesterday. I got the Spousal Unit to drop me off at the spot where the railtrail crosses the highway. Back In The Day, that was the point in my long runs where I knew it was in the bag - 10k, I can do that! - so I was very happy to be back there sweating gently in the open air and looking at the cows and listening to the yellow-tailed black cockatoos squawking in the trees. I got a bit sore at times on the walk (see 'epic fail exercise/stretch this week') but never more than about 6/10. I was able to reconnect with the certainty that I could hold that effort for a very long time if I had to. It's a good feeling. I've missed it.

These birds are about a metre long!

More anon, striders!

PS GUESS WHAT NODDIE IS TEACHING ME TO TAP DANCE!!! 
*Extremely Slow Marathon

Activated!

I was out for my long walk on Saturday morning, 9.5km it was, can I get a woot?, when an amazing thing happened: my right glute muscle activated! It sounds odd, I know, but that's been the missing piece in my rehab. My achilles and calves were overloaded becuase that lazy bugger wouldn't fire. My physio and I have been quite distracted over it. It just wouldn't go. I changed some of my core workout recently to include reclining ball squats (oh, the life of the dodgy-kneed), and I tried out some of the drills from my new running book, so it may have been one of them that flicked the 'on' switch. Or it may have been something else, or it may have just happened at random. But I am so bloody happy I can hardly stand it. I'm really excited. I came home from my walk with a sore bum and tight hammies, but no achilles pain whatsoever. It didn't strain while I was walking. It hasn't been sore afterward. My backside? Different story, and that's how it should be. That's what foam rollers are for.

My five faithful readers, astute souls that they are, will have noticed an addition to my sidebar. I'm doing Very Slow Marathon #6 (walk version) in Portland (Victoria, Australia, not Oregon) in November. I'm excited! More anon, stargazers!

I could get to like this

How are you, my five faithful readers? What have you been up to?
There's been no big news (or none that can be revealed at present) here at LBTEPA Headquarters, but things are rolling merrily along. Yesterday I had a client cancel. Instead of hammering out some case notes ('cause mine are never behind, nonononooo), or dashing home to get the washing off the line (it was stupidly drizzly anyway) or do the dishes, OR having a power nap (I'd slept very poorly and was oh so weary), I zoomed home and did my exercises. I watched an ironman video and heaved the weights hither and yon and stretched the theraband and rolled on the roller. Then I  went back to work and all was well. I was still very tired and there were still case notes waiting, but I was just that little bit stronger and more determined, and I'd ticked my chart. On Saturday I'll be walking 9km. I'm excited.
More anon, sundancers!

Mulligan?

No? Can't have this week to re-do? Well this coming week, today, will be about veering back toward my goals. My mood and all the stuff that happens (in everyone's life!) are not the boss of me.
THIS IS NOT MY SONG ANY MORE
I'm walking 8km today. I can stand on one leg and do a one-legged squat without much wobbling. I can do a plank for 40 seconds and 40 chair crunches and ride my bike for 45 minutes and walk Noddie and the Idiot Hounds to School without thinking about it. I Have A Chart!
I'll take the phone on my walk so you can see how pretty it is near the river.
More anon, swingers!

out of focus, in focus

I think this'll be my 3rd day without cardio so my Chart O'Goodness will have nasty white spaces this week :(  These things happen - 2-day birthdays, husbands in Melbourne, dogs getting out and running all over the town and getting hit by cars !!!! all well though... but the h20, food tracking and exercises (weights, physio, core, roller) have fewer gaps (not actually saying how many....)
A bit more on this sugar thing while my traumatised mind is wandering - the Febfast people keep putting up recipes for sugar-free cupcakes, icy poles etc, whereas my idea is to wean myself off wanting sweet-flavoured things at all. I think my idea is better, but then I would, wouldn't I? PS feel free to click on the link tp sponsor me and help raise funds for youth addiction support services
But, far more interestingly - I was browsing in our local, very poorly-stocked bookshop and what should I find but  Shauna's book! I *heart* Shauna. She is an Aussie adventurer who upped stumps and moved to Scotland, where she has found true lerve and a literary career! And she's hilarious, and very kind too. She should move back. We miss her. Now I'm frowning. See what you've done Shauna?

Once I'd got over being stunned that their perception of health/fitness/sport went beyond a certain fat-shaming Biggest Loser coach, I coughed up the lolly and departed with my prize. Since then I have shown the book to EVERYONE, and, although I am not planning on running in the the near future, am diligently doing The Stork to improve my balance and the strength of my feet.

BTW, if you g00gle 'stork stretch up and running', this pops up.

Yes, I am putting off cleaning the kitchen. Cheerio ducklings!

and I quote

crikey I'd better get scribbling like a lunatic if I'm to be able to tick off two 'blog' boxes on The Chart. It's day six of the 'no sugar' Febfast thingy I'm doing. Unfortunately I've just realised I'm doing it wrong! My approach is to refrain from cake, jellybeans, chocolate, soft drink, honey, stewed fruit, flavoured yoghurt, biscuits, etc etc etc. From my reading of the challenge website and also an article in today's paper, that is uber-wimpy and not nearly hardcore enough. These people are giving up everything that has any sugar at all in it! Bread! Sweet chili sauce! Milk! Sorry if people want their donations back....but feel free to donate if you would like to. It's for a good cause.
Now this is absolutely not a 'weight loss blog', but my five faithful readers will be aware that I have been saddened and frightened by the amount of lard I am currently carrying. I decided not to even try running until I shed 8.5kg, so as to try and preserve what's left of my knees. So it was with great satisfaction that I noted a 1.5kg loss when I weighed myself this morning. Once a week only, chickies, I promise - keeping an eye on things but not messing with my own head too much. With the help of my food log - oh, the number of times I must have grazed mindlessly, I find myself turning to the pantry all the time - The Chart - I'll split my exercises into 3 10-minute blocks if that's all the time I have, so ardent is my desire to Tick Another Box - and the Great Sugar Shake-up, I'm feeling better than I have for ages, and also the most hopeful. Hope is good.

clever, yet profound...

More anon, scribblers!

I must remember this

Observant readers will note that this list appears to have been screwed up in a rage (and possibly thrown into a bin) before being smoothed out and put back on the fridge (possibly in a rather embarrassed fashion). To sum up (there is too much to explain) I cracked it with myself for not doing my exercises and briefly indulged in a F***-this-I-hate-myself-I-give-up moment. Then I had An Amazing Thought which I believe it is my duty to share with my five faithful readers:
THE WAY TO STOP BEING LAME IS TO STOP BEING LAME. Get On With It and You'll Feel Better.
Fan.Tastic. Life changing. Captain Bloody Obvious, true, but at the time (and still) it felt like a thunderbolt or a lightbulb or something.
I've been practising another small life-changer recently. See this?

Yes, it's Reece Witherspoon, and yes, I love her shoes, but one thing I have noticed in pretty much every photo of her in 'off duty mode' is that her chin is up. She walks with her head raised and is usually smiling. After I noticed this, I started noticing how often I drop my head when I'm not feeling super-sprightly. Down goes the chin, down go the shoulders, off-balance goes the gait and stomp stomp stomp I'm waddling like a hippo instead of sharing my radiance with the populace at large. Since I realised this, I've been taking care to Fake iT Til I make It  and walk like I bloody own the place. It feels good!
More anon, striders!

B2B

Back to basics it is! I have a chart!

The chart idea arose from my insistence that Noddie practice her dance and instruments over the summer holidays, and us using the charts so she could manage her time herself, 'cause I'm lazy. I then realised that I had better walk my talk, dammit, so I made myself one too. The 'can't let her get ahead of me' motivation has been quite compelling.
It was all thrown out the window while we were on holidays on The Ghan.It was like being in a movie - unbelievably privileged and flash.  If you get a chance to go do! It's such an experience, and the scenery as you traverse the nation from top to bottom (hard to even conceive!) is ever-changing and amazing. Not to mention the food!

This was the first course of breakfast! So naturally I came home with a little bit more extra lard, and then we had a couple of bits of bad news which I dealt with by eating and drinking, and then ....I started logging my eating. I have been absolutely staggered by the amount of little stuff I shove in my gob when I'm not thinking! LOts and lots of little stuff = not-so-little LBTEPA. Standing back and identifying what I'm actually feeling when I am about to stuff said gob has been enlightening too - it's pretty much always 'I can't manage this, it's too much, no-one will help me'. Sadness and fear, those old faves. I have to keep reminding myself that these worrying times will pass, that the Spousal Unit is better now, that now is not then when it was all going down and I really did have to keep the family afloat all by myself. All is well, I can tell myself. All is well. Step away from the pantry.
I must tell you , my five faithful readers, about the book I've been reading - a towering work of staggering genius which has changed my life! Not, I hasten to assure you, the latest Haruki Murakami, which irritated me no end, but The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances, by the genius cartoonist of The Oatmeal. His slim volume is absolutely chockers with wisdom, and wit, yet it was one small paragraph quite near the end which resonated like a temple bell next to a hangover. 30 minutes, the writer states forcefully, is just a little bit more than 2% of your day. If you're not willing to hang in there for 2% of your day to feel better, then you don't deserve to feel better! Ooh, I said to myself, he has a point there. And nearly every time I think that, out the door I go. So it's starting to come together, a little bit. Now I have to go and change my bike tyre. I'll let you know how it goes!
More anon, carolers!

much better

well, that was awkward
good thing I got rid of that horrible cesspit of whining
- yes, what's still here is the 'un-whiny' bit - ack!
So how are you all? Kicking goals from what I can see of the book of face. Brilliant!
and so inspiring
I too have been kicking goals
not Peter Daicos left footed wrong-sided how-did-he-do-that? sneakers, but goals nonetheless. Little easy set shots. Walking 3 times a week. Want 4, working on it.
Weights, core, physio 3 times a week. Ditto.
I've even been out on my bike, coo er gosh
yes that's how far down I'd got, don't judge, even two bike rides are a cause for celebration here
often a bit sore and achy
so many niggles, so many internal freakouts!
but that's how it it
A turning point was when I consciously engaged with the thought that avoiding feeling weak/slow/fat was interfering with my expressing my values of health and fitness
HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!
had to find my own way there, though. I'm an experiential learner, me
I make a decision every day to accept these feelings so I can do what I need to do to get stronger.
I'm feeling stronger! I feel leaner although the bastard scales (and pants) don't agree
oh well
Next time I will tell you about my Secret Weapon. It's Fab!

setback

We are all sick as very sick dogs. I  have finally got to the dr and got some drugs so I can start to get better -don't get me STARTED on how much I hate that dr, I decided I hated him so much I hoped he got a nasty ant bite on his leg (I know) so the last week has been a bit drag self to work come home go to bed. Plus late night at the hospital with poor Noddie with a 4o degree temp, poor little thing.
But still - I've done my weights 4X, and I'm going for a walk today. I'm planning on doing the 5k walk at Metung next week and thinking about doing the tri the week after that. I was very struck by a story on effbee about a quite lardy woman doing her 1st tri aged 50+ - and how nicve everyone was and what a lovley time she had. I was talking to the Spousal Unit about how much the shredding I got when I tried to get the Athena division up in the Gatorade still affects me - I am literally scared and also deeply ashamed about exercising in 'public' at my current size. I must work through this. I do hate it when people like J and K say 'it doesn't matter, no-one judges you' because they do. They DO. They feel sorry for you or pity you or are outright rude and that makes it harder no matter what someone who's never been attacked thinks. But it won't stop me.
Cheers!

small steps

hi there blog
long time no speak but not long time no act5ion
since last we spoke I have started near-daily weights and physio (5-6 times a week so far!) and a walking program - up to 4*20 minutes this week. I struggle with thoughts of how lame this is, but I'm using visualisation to counteract this - I walk the way I used to - and will again - run and conncet with that postive feeling while I walk. My mantra is strong, tall, happy! I've made some stupid drinking decisions but they have now ceased. Jeff is helping me much more which is great. He's finished work which is wonderful in one sense - he's happy and relaxed and I'm not having to run the entore show all alone - but also a bit stressful to be The Breadwinner. I'm staying mindful and as I say now these stupid behaviours have been changed I should start to lose some lard soon. I feel stronger already and that's where I have to start. Pity about this bloody chest infection but the thing about light weights is I can do them even when I just want to go to bed.
I have a wonderful new plan, blog! In POrtland (where my dear friend Belinda lives, as it happens) there is a marathon each November. This marathon has an early start for walkers and an 8 hour cutoff..... It's now my Plan to do this marathon next year. Bring. It. On.
see you soon :)

lift

daily - physio exercises, roller, food tracking, light weights
20 min cardio x5
I want to be this person
I will be this person

Merrily we roll along

up to 30 min on the trainer yay
down to 95.2 this morning - MUST KEEP CONCENTRATING
so proud of myself yesterday at the house of indecisiveness (Bill's) - told them what we were having incl a tub of mixed veggies, & didn't eat any fried stuff
I CAN DO THIS
I have to do this
it's ridiculous to think I can't
I was even thinking of joining WW online - then I thought, I know what to do, really.
less fried food => being more bossy about what we eat (= sucking up that J is being infuriatingly lame lately. :(
less booze => soda water cordial first = less thirsty afterward
also mustn't drink disappointment
why is Mum being so horrid about me having nice clothes?
Happy that Emma is about to race again but also gutted :(  her 'two years injured' included two marathons!
doing hip exercises like a dervish. No stopping me!

back again

7/8/14
95.9
saw Kerry yesterday. She's given up drinking bc she prefers no tummy rolls
a good example to us all
chest pain = costochondritis from persisting in wearing bras from 15kg ago
how embarrassing
16E now bugger me
I've taken down most of my cardies and bought a couple of pretty new ones and some jeans that fit
determinedly not feeling ashamed
sort of
enjoying back on MInerva on the trainer up to 25 min now

what?

2/8/14
96.7?? F****. I feel so sad today
walk around the wetlands w/ w had to voltaren achilles afterward
hated everyone at the market who wasn't fat and could walk
20min on the bike trainer. determined to not stop in the middle go me
didn't finish the bottle :)
I bet J loses heaps of wet
it's a start
3/8/14
same weight f***f***f***f***f***f***
better start tracking food again
so hard when Jeff keeps bringing cheese and bikkies to the living room
please don't say 'just don't have any'
sinus douche
stretch
20min bike
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK
5/8/14
standing at work now my foot's hurting like it did in 2011 this is MESSING WITH MY HEAD
feeling trapped and terrified, what can I do when my stupid body is so fragile??
deep breath
get a grip womansheesh
you've pretty much got your health
and help
and determination
and it's a beautiful day
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK

it's all going to be ok

yes it is
I'll find a way out of this

Physio vist

catastrophically weak glutes = soe knees, sore back, sore achilles, sore feet
SSDD
a couple of exercises to do incessantly
calf raises and foot bcak 45degrees thingies
no running skipping minimal walking - mustn't aggravate the achilles
swimming - get this - no reason why not
shitshitshitshitshit
I could f***ing kill Bhaumic

onward!!!

off the grid

so we've gone private. I need to have my pathetic lame struggles and tiny tiny little steps toward my real life (not this lardy weak easily puffed sore pile of crap) in private not always presenting a positive face and also not expecting/appearing to want affirmation and encouragement. I'll just do this thing and then get back out there
this unutterably boring blog will be used to record the establishment of my new habits, and the shedding of my lard. 
Goal is 76kg
so
29/7
95.5
no exercise
sinus douche
didn't have a drink after the guests left
30/7
95.4
core workout and stretching
forgot balance
sinus douche
one glass of wine
bloody cheese and bikkies I need to learn to say no to J
31/7
95.6
sinus douche
balance core stretch
1 glass of wine
2 pieces pizza
1/8
95.8 bloody pizza good thing I didn't have 3

oh well

sms to the spousal unit and the Mighty Emma: withdrawn from Melbourne 10k not going to happen achilles not cooperating.

Emma, in her Mightiness, has asked me what would happen if I did 'give up' (as has crossed my mind of late, I cannot lie). My answer: if I gave up I could stop being so disappointed all the time (ok my sms to her had a swear word in it) I could give up trying to be hopeful but knowing underneath there's not a lot of evidence for anything going well. I sometimes wish I could give up but I can't and I never will

oh well.
Standing at work, stretching and core every day, off to a new physio on Friday .
It's just the road I'm on. What can I do but keep walking?

Friends by my side of course :)

No dramas, just stuff

I'm only writing this becuase one of the Improving Habits I am working on is to blog more. The topic should really be "SS,DD", but then again, reflecting on that - that this is all just stuff that happens, no point getting in a tizzy about it - makes it easier to keep things in persepctive, does it not?
Our heroine feels as though she is treading water and not making any progress at anything much, owing to
- the everlasting, ever-tedious chronic sinusitis + bonus bouts with local lurgis
->interrupted sleep -> hard to 'make time'
->low energy/general crapness
- father-in-law in and out of hospital
->even more  challenging to establish a routine
-> a stressed-out Spousal Unit
->who copes by bringing home chocolate
- and of course work/Mumming/housekeeping.
SSDD, really. I told you!
It's all just stuff to manage, but having no fitness base is a pest. I just can't seem to get any sort of run on to build myself up. But I am finding a way.
Improving Habit of the week is to be very conscious of my urge to go out/get takeaway when I'm tired. I've noted it and resisted it well so far, possibly becuase I've been reframing it as saving up to go away next year. It's all what you call things, isn't it?
Improving Habit for the coming week is to be very conscious of what I eat during arsenic hour (5.30-6.30pm). The bikkies and cheese can start to relax.

More anon, philospohers!

big smoke, little steps

a lovely visit to the big smoke for the dermatologist with Noddie last week included the zoo, the art gallery, shopping with my sister, lots of yummy not-like-in-our-town food, a ferry ride across the bay, and scienceworks. Now we know everything about black holes! We did a fair bit of walking, comparatively speaking, despite the winter wind, and I summoned the willpower to emerge from the spa at the hotel and wobble into the gym for stretching and core work. I wanted to (ahem) 'run' but the legs weren't playing after our (ahem) 'long' walk. The trouble with being physically weak is the body just Won't. Keep. Up. aka, patience is everything.
On Sunday I did go for a real live fair dinkum 'training run' - a planned and executed bit of exercise aimed at an event. So what if it was walk 2 min run 1 x8? I smsd a few friends I was going so I wouldn't sook out. When they kindly asked how it went I had two answers: a great start! and if I thought they were all going to be like that I'd give up on the spot. Both true. Next day the bastard achilles were a bit grabby but they're better today so I'm going again after work. I was just talking to Noddie and we agreed that getting up early(ish) this morning and doing my exercises and not running is much better than staying in bed dozing and not running. Noddie's a lovely child.

More anon, arty-farties!

and another thing

There's a 1.5k swim held every September in the cooling pond for the power station about 2 hours from our house. I've always wanted to do it and then always forgot about it until the weekend it's on and we're always busy/it's sold out/I haven't trained and etc etc. THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT. WOOT! Too. Much. Fun.
It's not a nuclear power station so I won't glow in the dark afterward *pouts*

on a related note, here's to giant-killers!

possibly the most exciting post ever

Guess what? I've entered the 10km at the Melbourne Marathon in October!!!! I have A Goal! Something to Aim For! I might end up running 30s walking 2min30 for two hours while cross skinnyfasts gallop past me yelling abuse (it's all on the same course) but I. Don't. Care.
It. Is. So.On. On like Donkey Kong. In like Flynn, that's me.
I am So. Over. not racing. You know what I've been doing wrong? Forgetting that 'how can I do it?' is always better than 'can I do it?'
I'm going to have to get a bigger Team Stupidly Determined shirt made.

(I don't know that I'd call it 'courage' exactly...)

More anon, excitables!

ok enough

I don't care if I have to lie down after every rep I am going to do my core exercises and skipping today so there
More anon, wobblers!

and then...

our heroine was poleaxed by the disgusting phlegmy lurgi that has felled an estimated 30% of LBTEPAville and nothing has happened since, except tracking food and standing while using the pc. Bleah.
More anon, germ-sharers!

Faux mauxjaux

I was saying to the Spousal Unit this morning that it was hard to establish new workout routines when you keep getting colds all the time. Which is true. It's also hard to establish new workout routines when your father-in-law is in and out of hospital, your husband is off to Melbourne for days at a time,  and then your dear old dog dies *wiping eyes*. Another hard thing is perceiving progress when life and workouts are all so higgledy-piggledy. It's seeing progress that keeps a person going, I think - me, anyway - and this blog IS all about me!
I keep feeling slightly puzzled and disoriented by the fact that this all used to be 'normal'. I was the mojo queen! If it needed to be done, I did it, now! Self-discipline as an effort is a strange feeling to me. I'm not whingeing, mind! It's not the frantic dramatic oh woe is me however shall I manage? as it was in the past. I do hope those days have passed forever, and with regular thyroid checks there's every chance they will have. Hooray!
So, how to orchestrate a runner from sort-of-but-not-really-Happily-Drifting-Along-Land back to Planet Enthusiastic Amazon? Given that buying stuff fixes everything, I have equipped myself for this new phase of my existence with the following:

A FIT BALL for the activation of my core and the amusement of my family.
A SKIPPING ROPE for the activation of...um..something (?jumping muscles?) and the amusement of my family and the neighbours. Bruises an added bonus.
A COMPUTER STAND. I sit for up to five hours a day at work. Now I stand while I'm using the computer. This makes me quite tired, which is why I am going to do more of it
A SMALL BOOK to write down everything I eat, and record my weight on Saturday mornings.
NEW TOGS because I am a tragic spendthrift and I didn't like my apologetic black ones any more. Also groovy new goggles with cool reflective blue lenses (see 'tragic spendthrift').
A LIST! Becuase what is A Plan without a List? I'm going to blog more often (it's on The List) and post photos my List with a whole lot of lovely ticked boxes. It'll be fab!! And if it isn't fab, I'll pretend it is until it really is! Fake it 'til I make it! Bring on the artificial oomph!

(I was looking for an image to post but there's a rather scary-looking UK band called 'Oomph' so I am going with 'bubbly' instead)

More anon, groovers and shakers!

A wondrous event

So how is Operation Proper Sweaty Athlete progressing, you ask? As well you might. Our heroine continues to plug away at it, while coming to terms with the challenges of being not only older but much heavier than last time she did this. Walking = tick. Cycling = tick. Swimming = ? My shoulders are feeling a bit niggly, so I think I need to do fewer laps more often, which will create scheduling difficulties, which I will overcome. Last time I went to the pool my back started to seize up, which displeased me. It was the day after my last (ahem) "run", which I think I overdid - 7 x 90sec. *frowns*. My physio scoffs at stretching but I feel better when I do and more sore when I don't so I'm going to start working it into the daily routine and see what happens. I have a strong sense that being lighter would make this rehab easier, so I am keeping a food diary to try and curb the after-work face-stuffing habit to which I have fallen prey. So far so good. As you can see, I'm still at the stage where there are no rules-of-thumb - I have to work out everything as I go along, which is somewhat anxiety provoking. I look forward to a time when it's all just normal, and I can just go and do stuff. Le sigh... The Spousal Unit, I have discovered, has also begun thinking about his food and exercise (I know, you could have knocked me down with a feather too) so that's helpful as I no longer have to do my nut before anyone will come walking or cycling with me, nor get the stink-eye when I suggest brown rice or smaller portions.
Life at Schloss LBTEPA has been eventful in its usual, that is to say uneventful, way. Our heroine clocked up 11 Mother's Day Classic events in a row a couple of weeks ago (yes it has been that long, sorry blog for neglecting you), this time on her own two feet

Last weekend we went to Melbourne for Noddie's ballet masterclass (yes, she goes to that sort of dance school) and visited the Aztec exhibition at the Museum, which was very informatively gory. On the way home we stocked up on Real, Delicious Food at the Vic Market, and felt a bit sad we'd moved so far away. But not sad enough to want to move back.
But my friends! I must tell you of the wondrous event which befell me at the market! The stars aligned and the shoe gods smiled upon me that day - a pair of fabulous red boots that Actually Zipped Up Over My Blessedly Bountiful Calves revealed themselves to me and became my companions.Can world domination be far away?

More anon, seven-leaguers!

5x1 + 2x10

After I walked Noddie to school I kept walking in the lovely autumn sunshine, to the gym. I haven't been there for quite some time. I was quite nervous. My goals were to run 5x1 minute on the treadmill, and to stand for 20 seconds on each leg on the stupid balance ball. I completed the first pleasingly easily, although I didn't enjoy it at all because I was too worried about twinges in my achilles. I remembered very vividly how far I used to run and wondered if I'll ever feel that good again, but that was pointless so I concentrated on Eurovision on the gym tv instead. I completely heart Eurovision. One minute isn't long anyway.
I should rewrite that -  OMG PEOPLE I ACTUALLY RAN!!! I ACTUALLY RAN!!! YAY! - but I've been in Broken Hell for a long time and I don't believe things happen just because I want them to or becuase the physio says it'll be all right. We'll see how sore I am tomorrow.
I managed 10 seconds for each leg on the stupid balance ball so I will have to come back and have another go. I'm home now, slathered in precautionary anti-inflammatory gel. I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry hysterically. It's a start.
More anon, sunshiners!

It's unbelievable, I don't believe it

Stop Press: LBTEPA's PHYSIO IS HAPPY!
IN A SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT, LBTEPA's PHYSIO HAS STATED THAT SHE MUST KEEP DOING WHAT SHE IS DOING, AND ALSO DO WHATEVER ELSE SHE LIKES!!!
Onlookers were stunned when, after the usual humiliating and depressing round of exercises, LBTEPA's physiostated that he was 'very happy' and that 'you can really start loading now'. When queried, he stated that yes, he did mean swimming and running, with the caveat that anything causing next-day achilles soreness must be treated with 2 days' rest and decreased intensity next time the exercise was undertaken. After a short discussion it was decided that skipping would be an appropriate loading exercise to begin with, with the aim of working up to running. Walking is definitely encouraged.
HEADLINE: LBTEPA IS SPEECHLESS
"Not worrying will take some getting used to", stated our heroine, as the news began to sink in. "Now get out of my way, I'm off to the pool!"

-the most beautiful view in the world yesterday-

It'll be hard to go slowly, but I can do hard things. I'm out of the two-year hell of broken at last! I can plan! I can look forward to things! I can't stop grinning when I think about it.

More anon, splish-splashers!

Be ye kind

The meteoric ascent of our heroine from Flabby Bleaty McBroken to Proper Sweaty Load-Bearing Athlete has alas come to a - temporary - screeching halt as she slogs her way through a vicous sinus/chest infection. Hello old friend! But thanks to equine-grade antibiotics and of course the recent move to Planet Working Thyroid, all is pretty cruisy - as I said to Noddie, I feel utterly rubbish, but in a good (calm and cheerful) way. Did I mention that I am now a tiresome zealot about everyone getting her/his thyroid checked regularly?
As I reflect on the last couple of years, there's not much I can do but shrug my shoulders and chalk it up to experience. I am a bit sad about some fledgling new-town friendships that ended or never really started because Bleaty McBroken kept butting in. Oh well. There's been some gold in these here hills though: it was certainly an intensive course in Keeping At It! Next time I'll pay more attention to the unit on problem-solving, eh? My life is simpler now. As my five faithful readers know (bless you, you dear patient things) I ended a long-term friendship after a piece of BS so monumental that it wasn't worth dealing with. I let loads of effbee friends fade away - good wishes to them all, but they just weren't real! One of my goals for this year is to have more genuine contact with real friends - step one is to write some birthdays back in the calendar, step two is to Pick Up the Darn Phone sometimes! Sometimes so hard...
My relationship with my body has changed too. It is how it is. I might not be so thrilled with it in its current state but I don't hate it and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm working on repairing it and making it stronger. Maybe the most important lesson I've learned is to be kinder to myself. You've all helped, the constant encouraging commenters THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS and lurkers and of course my imaginary friends! It's been important to have this blank space to vent and reflect and try and work things out. I'm hoping to have some actual physical progress to report soon! But it's all good.
In other news, I had a dodgy pap smear result recently and now have to have some other investigations (sad face, ewww). Such a bore, but thank goodness for the reminder letters (you get your tests regularly, don't you?  Don't you?). I've just finished reading a book called Gingerbread, by one Robert Dinsdale, which was so gripping that I stopped about two thirds of the way through becuase I didn't want it to end, and then two days later read the last part in an hour and a half in one go standing at the kitchen bench. Gripping.
What a have you all been up to/ reading/ learned lately? Share!

More anon, booktopians!

such an idiot

Now repeat after me, LBTEPA
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED more regularly than four years ago omg what an idiot
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED because it's been bung for ever
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I get really sad for ages and ages
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I am dragging myself around with bone-deep weariness
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I can't seem to keep the house vaguely tidy
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I gain stupid amounts of weight
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED because when I look after it, it looks after me.
You wouldn't think an increase of 25mcg would make such a huge difference, but oh my, my five faithul readers! Oh my! I'm calm and happy, I feel peaceful and confident, I (now this is a biggie) HAVE ENERGY! I get on my bike with enthusiasm and enjoy myself. I don't cry after the physio even when he says I'm more likely to be able to do short tris rather than any decent running in the near future and no, sorry, no swimming for you yet missy. I feel extremely fed up and over this bloody saga, but that's it.
This is what normal feels like, I'm guessing. *slaps forehead* (and laughs)
Feel free to remind me of this at any time should the bleat-fest recommence.
More anon, Hashimotos!

A bit more Rarotonga goodness for your day :)

More stuff I know

The Cook Islands are wonderful. Save up your money and go there as soon as possible.

 

 

If you're interested in seeing more photos and we're not friends of effbee then send me a message and I'll send you a link.
Other Stuff I know: I didn't miss the internet, tv or my phones (personal and work) at all. Neither did Noddie (I think J missed tv a bit). We took the dvd of the BBC series Broadchurch - rivetting.
I'm going to change a few things to try and live more as we did on our holiday. Not, alas, spending a couple of hours a day snorkelling in balmy tropical waters full of colourful fish, but I want to maintain this lovely feeling of wellbeing as much as possible as we head into winter. So the Plan is This:
no diet soft drinks ever again
as much fresh air as possible
only wear a watch when you have to - my watch tan line is gone and I'm so proud
people are how they are; you can love them while finding many of their habitual behaviours inexplicable
only look at my phones three times a day, and effbee once a day. This will be a toughie, but it was so nice feeling so uncluttered.
a lot of niggles go away with anti-inflam gel. Do your exercises every day, for sure, but get on with the fun stuff and chill a bit, bro!

More anon, night-flyers!

Stuff I know

If you get a chance to volunteer at an Ironman, DO IT! If you can pull the stunt managed by  my dear friend the Mighty Emma, which was volunteer at the last minute and end up tacking off athletes' chips in the finishing chute, then all power to you - but handing out water, ice, flat cola, watermelon, bananas, gels, vegemite on a stick and COWBELL to the late finishers is also a sensationally inspiring way to spend your time

I had 3 of these working overtime (and now have bruises on my fingers). A bloke from a house across the road came over and started saying, you know those bells - we all thought he was going to tell me to pleeeeeaaaaasssse stopppit stopppit stopppit, and later someone from the aid station said she wished he'd said it (how unkind) - they're awesome! Have some tim tams! I nobly shared them with the crew because I've given up chocolate for Lent. About an hour later the bloke returned with a tray laden with cups, tea, milk, hot water and sugar, an absolute lifesaver at 10pm. So kind!
So do it do it do it. So inspiring
Now I want to do one...... I think I need a Plan!
Must dash though chickies, we are heading off to the Cook Islands straight after work this arvo!! WOOT! I'll be off the grid for 9 days, engaged in a rigorous schedule of snorkelling, eating, reading and sleeping. Wish me luck!

more anon, tropicanas!

Testing, testing

Cholesterol - normal
Liver and kidney function - normal (must be made of old boot leather, bless 'em)
Thyroid function - slightly dodgy, retest in 2 months (hmm, hello weight gain and low mood???)
Physio appears to be pleased and has ordered bike, bike and more bike, as well as okaying walking Noddie to school (a 2km round trip, I'd say whoopeefriggendoo but there's that whole giving up whingeing for Lent thing) and squeezing one of these between my knees whenever the opportunity presents itself.

I suspect it will provoke inappropriate comments from the Spousal Unit.
More anon,  velocipeders!

It was about time

LBTEPA popped off to the quack for a checkup and pap smear today ewww and eeek as said checkup included being measured and weighed aaarrrggghhh. Ugly. I'm getting blood tests tomorrow - liver and thyroid function, cholesterol and blood sugar. Could be even uglier.
I'm thinking of giving up whingeing for Lent - my Mum will think she's gone deaf! What do you give up?
MOre anon, pancake makers!

Still here

Just a quick one to reassure my five faithful readers that LBTEPA is still here, and absolutely fine. Keeping at Things, Carrying On, thinking about new Plans. Just not very talkative
Hope you're all well?
More anon, whisperers!

Here's my new favourite song (and possible theme for the year)

WOFTAM

The visit with sports pych went extremely badly. I wanted her to hear me and she wanted to fix me.

At last

This will come as an immense relief to you, my five faithful readers, but at last I've Done Something Sensible. You know how this whole everlasting hellhole of broken has been messing with my head? Oh my word we do you murmur to yourselves, you never talk about bloody anything else sheesh but anyway, I was thinking about it all, and I thought, if my head's going to be messed with, I'd rather it was done by someone who's trained to do it for a living. I've tried to think myself out of this quagmire and I haven't been able to. I'm smart and I'm determined (and I am actually trained to mess with heads for a living) so if I can't do it by myself then it probably can't be done. Time to circle the wagons, summon the posse, call in the professionals.
I have an appointment on Friday with a sports psychologist in The Big Smoke.

more anon, synapse-extenders!

Remember this?

Remember this? I bloody do
 and it's back.
 I got sick and didn't do my exercises for a week because I couldn't move my head without it falling off, but I still kept walking in the pool (and walking Noddie to school, no good deed goes unpunished eh?) and that was enough to overload my frighteningly fragile biomechanics and inflame my plantar fascia. Welcome back, Goofy nightmare.
*sound of head exploding*
this never ends

ssdd

went to physio
usual news (not 'yay!')

Back at it

Antibiotics are working.
Slow uphill treadmill walking and alcohol-free days happening.
I'll just have to push out the end-date of Project No Try.
Have a lovely day darls

redrawing

I had a very triggering conversation with a friend yesterday. It was very upsetting, but helpful in that it led me to the following conclusion: the only way to let go of shame is to sit with how sad and sometimes frightening it is that so much (of a given situation) is out of our (my) control. 
I don't know what I'm going to do about this new understanding or where it will lead me. It feels  more peaceful. At least I don't feel ashamed any more.

More anon, groovers

Do not

The team at the LBTEPA department of Gung-ho are not their usual ebullient selves. They are crestfallen. They are taken-aback at our heroine's utter failure to maintain a positive outlook and keep at things.
At today's press conference a spokesperson issued this statement.
[LBTEPA]'s had these painful sinuses for a while and we thought it was going ok with the steroids to settle them down and help with the pain. It's not unexpected at this dusty smokey time of year. It was going well. We were using a management plan! (a murmur of mmmm, plan from the assembled group was hurriedly hushed)
Ahem
Then the sinuses got infected, which is pretty unpleasant, very painful, dizziness, fatigue, trouble breathing etc etc. LBTEPA can't get to the doctor until Friday so it's been three days of get up at night for painkillers, drag self through work day/family duties then go back to bed. Astute readers will observe that these days would be days 4-6 of Project There Is No Try. Sadly prophetic words, alas. There have been no ticks of any kind on The Chart. It has been somewhat disheartening to our heroine, and unfortunately she has stumbled at this hurdle. To be clear, she has fallen right into the why bother trying to get fit again I keep trying and nothing ever works my weight just goes up and up and I'm sick and I can't go to the gym and I'm not even allowed to walk yet this is all taking too long I'm so sad and now I've got a crappy unattractive haircut just before I have to drag my 15kg-heavier self to the school reunion and don't tell me people won't judge I give up what's the point pool and hasn't been able to get out yet.
We are hoping that antibiotics will do the trick so that the sleep and exercise can work their transformative magic. Your supportive thoughts would be appreciated at this time.

And no, I'm probably not going to try and enter this at 9am today. I thought about it.

oh heck I dunno well I do know - no!!! - but I dunno...

or should I? I dunno.... might be a Good Thing...might be the temperature talking..I just want to do something awesome again...Must. Be. Patient.....

More anon, water-treaders

Now The Plan Is This

It's time, people.
As attentive readers will recall, the LBTEPA Self-Discipline Division was moribund for some time, and re-activated only recently. Its management group has pointed out with some acerbity (and accuracy) that it's all very well to be disciplined, but at what? The LBTEPA Department of Gung-ho responded to this with an energetic righto! and the following:
Alcohol-free from now until Feb 23rd, excluding Feb 10th becuase that's my birthday and Feb 15th becuase that's my high school reunion aarrgghh. Yes, I join in battle with the old foe once again.
Exercise 30 minutes six days out of seven. Nothing for you lot but even the most basic good habits have eluded me of late.
Blog every three days about what I'm doing.
Celebrate feeling strong, fit and happy on Feb 23rd with my legions of adoring fans five faithful readers.
Once the S-D management group had fanned itself and had a nice cup of tea, it was agreed that the project would commence forthwith.

To this end, today I have been to the gym, done some weights (seated) and walked on the treadmill (fully inclined), and made a chart for the fridge. LBTEPA loves some chart action. I'll post a picture of it when it's full of lovely ticks.
Waddya reckon? Wanna join me in a three-week habit-change-fest?
More anon, sparklers!

*EDIT eeek I forgot Feb 19th OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!