Hi Blog! Long time no speak! But in my own defence, let me tell you that I was actually waiting for a little short run of good stuff , progress, forward movement......not just whining about endless #firstworldproblem mostly minor yet difficult baddish stuff on and on ad infinitum ad nauseum problems and disappointments. Well there hasn't been a break. Life is good! We live in a beautiful place in a comfortable attractive house (more so lately, owing to our current
Colin and Justin obsession)! Noddie and J are sparking on six! Work is gratifying and lucrative! I caught up with several dear old friends over the school holidays! I worked half days to spend time with Noddie! It's been a lovely summer and I've worn shorts and sandals most days! It was my birthday on the weekend!
Which makes The Other Stuff seem minor. But it's not, to me. I'm so grateful for all my blessings and by being able to contribute to the world. And....now for the whinge
Since last we spoke
I tripped off a curb in the same fucking sandals that I was wearing when I trashed my ankle last time, and trashed it again. It's taken until last week, so 2 months of swelling/pain/worry/sadness/scans/arguments with doctors, to establish that it is not torn, only ???, so at least I don't have another reco in my future. But no running, only walking, much cycling (including the stationary bike at the gym), and much pain, which has obviously affected my gait and referred itself into a flare up of my old mate plantar fasciitis, which I made much worse on Saturday by giving in to the temptation to run 1 min: walk 1 min the last 2k of parkrun becuase I am so. sick. of being such. a fucking. crock. Now I am limping horribly, icing 3x daily, taped up the wazoo and have 2 injuries to try and fix, becuase I self-destructively gave in to temptation for that 10 minutes. I'm a bloody genius.
Also over Christmas, I stopped being a doormat/yes-girl to my family and expressed my displeasure that, after 15 years in a row of us hosting Christmas and moving heaven and earth to meet everyone's needs so we could all get together, "the only day she (my sister-in-law, 5 hours' drive away) could have it (the (ahem)'family' Christmas)" was the day she knew we couldn't get there. Naturally that went down like a ton of bricks. Without going into the gory details, for we have done that and are working hard to Let. It. Go., I doubt that I'll ever bother to contact that part of the family, or my younger brother, again. Kind of a relief in hindsight to finally really come to grips with what your family is really like (and not so bad really, nothing terrible, but completely different values from ours. They are how they are and good for them), but pretty effing painful in process.
Worst of all, J and I had a massive, massive row, to the point where I slept in the spare room a couple of times and was thinking of moving out. Yep, that bad. Once again, nothing terribly bad in the big scheme of things - no violence or infidelity or anything of that kind - but a complete game changer. Very very fortunately, we got to see a fantastically skilled marriage counsellor who has put us back on a good track. As a couple and as a family we are communicating better than we ever have. I'm so happy about that. But still.
I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm not sleeping well. I feel shut down and a bit numb a lot of the time. I haven't even got the energy to be angry, which is probably a good thing! I basically ate and drank my way through Christmas, which behaviour, you will be happy to hear, has now been STOPPED, and I am back to moderate-with-occasional-emotional-eating. I'm sad about my appearance, especially my weight. I'm sad about my lack of fitness and about how my weight's affecting my injuries and hence my ability to work out and hence my weight/fitness hellooooo vicious circle. I feel defeated and as though life has got the better of me. For the first time in my life, I don't see the point of making plans or striving for things - especially physical/health goals. Don't be optimistic. Don't look forward to doing new things or making changes or achievement. It'll all go wrong (see 'yoga', 'dancing', 'couch to 5k'). Just do stuff, one day at a time. Just do.
So that's what I'm doing. Noddie and I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I ride my bike to work most day s - only about 10 min each way but still, every little bit helps, and it's fun! I do my hip exercises, and play the piano, and go swimming once a week. I write all this down because every little stick is a victory over despair. When I get 5 and the diagonal stick makes a gate, I'm a rock star! In a bold move, I've just (yesterday) started writing down booze-free days. Oooh. How many stick gates can I build this year?
I'm glad no one reads this any more - what a bloody sook I am! But I needed to write it down. I'm sorry. It's all been in my head all this time and it has to be kept somewhere else. I've decided I'm going to write a post most weeks, just talking about what exercise I've done and how fun it was. It's on my list now! See, I told you, life is good. I just have to live it better.
More anon, dancers!
