setback

We are all sick as very sick dogs. I  have finally got to the dr and got some drugs so I can start to get better -don't get me STARTED on how much I hate that dr, I decided I hated him so much I hoped he got a nasty ant bite on his leg (I know) so the last week has been a bit drag self to work come home go to bed. Plus late night at the hospital with poor Noddie with a 4o degree temp, poor little thing.
But still - I've done my weights 4X, and I'm going for a walk today. I'm planning on doing the 5k walk at Metung next week and thinking about doing the tri the week after that. I was very struck by a story on effbee about a quite lardy woman doing her 1st tri aged 50+ - and how nicve everyone was and what a lovley time she had. I was talking to the Spousal Unit about how much the shredding I got when I tried to get the Athena division up in the Gatorade still affects me - I am literally scared and also deeply ashamed about exercising in 'public' at my current size. I must work through this. I do hate it when people like J and K say 'it doesn't matter, no-one judges you' because they do. They DO. They feel sorry for you or pity you or are outright rude and that makes it harder no matter what someone who's never been attacked thinks. But it won't stop me.
Cheers!

small steps

hi there blog
long time no speak but not long time no act5ion
since last we spoke I have started near-daily weights and physio (5-6 times a week so far!) and a walking program - up to 4*20 minutes this week. I struggle with thoughts of how lame this is, but I'm using visualisation to counteract this - I walk the way I used to - and will again - run and conncet with that postive feeling while I walk. My mantra is strong, tall, happy! I've made some stupid drinking decisions but they have now ceased. Jeff is helping me much more which is great. He's finished work which is wonderful in one sense - he's happy and relaxed and I'm not having to run the entore show all alone - but also a bit stressful to be The Breadwinner. I'm staying mindful and as I say now these stupid behaviours have been changed I should start to lose some lard soon. I feel stronger already and that's where I have to start. Pity about this bloody chest infection but the thing about light weights is I can do them even when I just want to go to bed.
I have a wonderful new plan, blog! In POrtland (where my dear friend Belinda lives, as it happens) there is a marathon each November. This marathon has an early start for walkers and an 8 hour cutoff..... It's now my Plan to do this marathon next year. Bring. It. On.
see you soon :)

lift

daily - physio exercises, roller, food tracking, light weights
20 min cardio x5
I want to be this person
I will be this person

Merrily we roll along

up to 30 min on the trainer yay
down to 95.2 this morning - MUST KEEP CONCENTRATING
so proud of myself yesterday at the house of indecisiveness (Bill's) - told them what we were having incl a tub of mixed veggies, & didn't eat any fried stuff
I CAN DO THIS
I have to do this
it's ridiculous to think I can't
I was even thinking of joining WW online - then I thought, I know what to do, really.
less fried food => being more bossy about what we eat (= sucking up that J is being infuriatingly lame lately. :(
less booze => soda water cordial first = less thirsty afterward
also mustn't drink disappointment
why is Mum being so horrid about me having nice clothes?
Happy that Emma is about to race again but also gutted :(  her 'two years injured' included two marathons!
doing hip exercises like a dervish. No stopping me!

back again

7/8/14
95.9
saw Kerry yesterday. She's given up drinking bc she prefers no tummy rolls
a good example to us all
chest pain = costochondritis from persisting in wearing bras from 15kg ago
how embarrassing
16E now bugger me
I've taken down most of my cardies and bought a couple of pretty new ones and some jeans that fit
determinedly not feeling ashamed
sort of
enjoying back on MInerva on the trainer up to 25 min now

what?

2/8/14
96.7?? F****. I feel so sad today
walk around the wetlands w/ w had to voltaren achilles afterward
hated everyone at the market who wasn't fat and could walk
20min on the bike trainer. determined to not stop in the middle go me
didn't finish the bottle :)
I bet J loses heaps of wet
it's a start
3/8/14
same weight f***f***f***f***f***f***
better start tracking food again
so hard when Jeff keeps bringing cheese and bikkies to the living room
please don't say 'just don't have any'
sinus douche
stretch
20min bike
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK
5/8/14
standing at work now my foot's hurting like it did in 2011 this is MESSING WITH MY HEAD
feeling trapped and terrified, what can I do when my stupid body is so fragile??
deep breath
get a grip womansheesh
you've pretty much got your health
and help
and determination
and it's a beautiful day
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK

it's all going to be ok

yes it is
I'll find a way out of this

Physio vist

catastrophically weak glutes = soe knees, sore back, sore achilles, sore feet
SSDD
a couple of exercises to do incessantly
calf raises and foot bcak 45degrees thingies
no running skipping minimal walking - mustn't aggravate the achilles
swimming - get this - no reason why not
shitshitshitshitshit
I could f***ing kill Bhaumic

onward!!!

off the grid

so we've gone private. I need to have my pathetic lame struggles and tiny tiny little steps toward my real life (not this lardy weak easily puffed sore pile of crap) in private not always presenting a positive face and also not expecting/appearing to want affirmation and encouragement. I'll just do this thing and then get back out there
this unutterably boring blog will be used to record the establishment of my new habits, and the shedding of my lard. 
Goal is 76kg
so
29/7
95.5
no exercise
sinus douche
didn't have a drink after the guests left
30/7
95.4
core workout and stretching
forgot balance
sinus douche
one glass of wine
bloody cheese and bikkies I need to learn to say no to J
31/7
95.6
sinus douche
balance core stretch
1 glass of wine
2 pieces pizza
1/8
95.8 bloody pizza good thing I didn't have 3

oh well

sms to the spousal unit and the Mighty Emma: withdrawn from Melbourne 10k not going to happen achilles not cooperating.

Emma, in her Mightiness, has asked me what would happen if I did 'give up' (as has crossed my mind of late, I cannot lie). My answer: if I gave up I could stop being so disappointed all the time (ok my sms to her had a swear word in it) I could give up trying to be hopeful but knowing underneath there's not a lot of evidence for anything going well. I sometimes wish I could give up but I can't and I never will

oh well.
Standing at work, stretching and core every day, off to a new physio on Friday .
It's just the road I'm on. What can I do but keep walking?

Friends by my side of course :)

No dramas, just stuff

I'm only writing this becuase one of the Improving Habits I am working on is to blog more. The topic should really be "SS,DD", but then again, reflecting on that - that this is all just stuff that happens, no point getting in a tizzy about it - makes it easier to keep things in persepctive, does it not?
Our heroine feels as though she is treading water and not making any progress at anything much, owing to
- the everlasting, ever-tedious chronic sinusitis + bonus bouts with local lurgis
->interrupted sleep -> hard to 'make time'
->low energy/general crapness
- father-in-law in and out of hospital
->even more  challenging to establish a routine
-> a stressed-out Spousal Unit
->who copes by bringing home chocolate
- and of course work/Mumming/housekeeping.
SSDD, really. I told you!
It's all just stuff to manage, but having no fitness base is a pest. I just can't seem to get any sort of run on to build myself up. But I am finding a way.
Improving Habit of the week is to be very conscious of my urge to go out/get takeaway when I'm tired. I've noted it and resisted it well so far, possibly becuase I've been reframing it as saving up to go away next year. It's all what you call things, isn't it?
Improving Habit for the coming week is to be very conscious of what I eat during arsenic hour (5.30-6.30pm). The bikkies and cheese can start to relax.

More anon, philospohers!

big smoke, little steps

a lovely visit to the big smoke for the dermatologist with Noddie last week included the zoo, the art gallery, shopping with my sister, lots of yummy not-like-in-our-town food, a ferry ride across the bay, and scienceworks. Now we know everything about black holes! We did a fair bit of walking, comparatively speaking, despite the winter wind, and I summoned the willpower to emerge from the spa at the hotel and wobble into the gym for stretching and core work. I wanted to (ahem) 'run' but the legs weren't playing after our (ahem) 'long' walk. The trouble with being physically weak is the body just Won't. Keep. Up. aka, patience is everything.
On Sunday I did go for a real live fair dinkum 'training run' - a planned and executed bit of exercise aimed at an event. So what if it was walk 2 min run 1 x8? I smsd a few friends I was going so I wouldn't sook out. When they kindly asked how it went I had two answers: a great start! and if I thought they were all going to be like that I'd give up on the spot. Both true. Next day the bastard achilles were a bit grabby but they're better today so I'm going again after work. I was just talking to Noddie and we agreed that getting up early(ish) this morning and doing my exercises and not running is much better than staying in bed dozing and not running. Noddie's a lovely child.

More anon, arty-farties!

and another thing

There's a 1.5k swim held every September in the cooling pond for the power station about 2 hours from our house. I've always wanted to do it and then always forgot about it until the weekend it's on and we're always busy/it's sold out/I haven't trained and etc etc. THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT. WOOT! Too. Much. Fun.
It's not a nuclear power station so I won't glow in the dark afterward *pouts*

on a related note, here's to giant-killers!

possibly the most exciting post ever

Guess what? I've entered the 10km at the Melbourne Marathon in October!!!! I have A Goal! Something to Aim For! I might end up running 30s walking 2min30 for two hours while cross skinnyfasts gallop past me yelling abuse (it's all on the same course) but I. Don't. Care.
It. Is. So.On. On like Donkey Kong. In like Flynn, that's me.
I am So. Over. not racing. You know what I've been doing wrong? Forgetting that 'how can I do it?' is always better than 'can I do it?'
I'm going to have to get a bigger Team Stupidly Determined shirt made.

(I don't know that I'd call it 'courage' exactly...)

More anon, excitables!

ok enough

I don't care if I have to lie down after every rep I am going to do my core exercises and skipping today so there
More anon, wobblers!

and then...

our heroine was poleaxed by the disgusting phlegmy lurgi that has felled an estimated 30% of LBTEPAville and nothing has happened since, except tracking food and standing while using the pc. Bleah.
More anon, germ-sharers!

Faux mauxjaux

I was saying to the Spousal Unit this morning that it was hard to establish new workout routines when you keep getting colds all the time. Which is true. It's also hard to establish new workout routines when your father-in-law is in and out of hospital, your husband is off to Melbourne for days at a time,  and then your dear old dog dies *wiping eyes*. Another hard thing is perceiving progress when life and workouts are all so higgledy-piggledy. It's seeing progress that keeps a person going, I think - me, anyway - and this blog IS all about me!
I keep feeling slightly puzzled and disoriented by the fact that this all used to be 'normal'. I was the mojo queen! If it needed to be done, I did it, now! Self-discipline as an effort is a strange feeling to me. I'm not whingeing, mind! It's not the frantic dramatic oh woe is me however shall I manage? as it was in the past. I do hope those days have passed forever, and with regular thyroid checks there's every chance they will have. Hooray!
So, how to orchestrate a runner from sort-of-but-not-really-Happily-Drifting-Along-Land back to Planet Enthusiastic Amazon? Given that buying stuff fixes everything, I have equipped myself for this new phase of my existence with the following:

A FIT BALL for the activation of my core and the amusement of my family.
A SKIPPING ROPE for the activation of...um..something (?jumping muscles?) and the amusement of my family and the neighbours. Bruises an added bonus.
A COMPUTER STAND. I sit for up to five hours a day at work. Now I stand while I'm using the computer. This makes me quite tired, which is why I am going to do more of it
A SMALL BOOK to write down everything I eat, and record my weight on Saturday mornings.
NEW TOGS because I am a tragic spendthrift and I didn't like my apologetic black ones any more. Also groovy new goggles with cool reflective blue lenses (see 'tragic spendthrift').
A LIST! Becuase what is A Plan without a List? I'm going to blog more often (it's on The List) and post photos my List with a whole lot of lovely ticked boxes. It'll be fab!! And if it isn't fab, I'll pretend it is until it really is! Fake it 'til I make it! Bring on the artificial oomph!

(I was looking for an image to post but there's a rather scary-looking UK band called 'Oomph' so I am going with 'bubbly' instead)

More anon, groovers and shakers!

A wondrous event

So how is Operation Proper Sweaty Athlete progressing, you ask? As well you might. Our heroine continues to plug away at it, while coming to terms with the challenges of being not only older but much heavier than last time she did this. Walking = tick. Cycling = tick. Swimming = ? My shoulders are feeling a bit niggly, so I think I need to do fewer laps more often, which will create scheduling difficulties, which I will overcome. Last time I went to the pool my back started to seize up, which displeased me. It was the day after my last (ahem) "run", which I think I overdid - 7 x 90sec. *frowns*. My physio scoffs at stretching but I feel better when I do and more sore when I don't so I'm going to start working it into the daily routine and see what happens. I have a strong sense that being lighter would make this rehab easier, so I am keeping a food diary to try and curb the after-work face-stuffing habit to which I have fallen prey. So far so good. As you can see, I'm still at the stage where there are no rules-of-thumb - I have to work out everything as I go along, which is somewhat anxiety provoking. I look forward to a time when it's all just normal, and I can just go and do stuff. Le sigh... The Spousal Unit, I have discovered, has also begun thinking about his food and exercise (I know, you could have knocked me down with a feather too) so that's helpful as I no longer have to do my nut before anyone will come walking or cycling with me, nor get the stink-eye when I suggest brown rice or smaller portions.
Life at Schloss LBTEPA has been eventful in its usual, that is to say uneventful, way. Our heroine clocked up 11 Mother's Day Classic events in a row a couple of weeks ago (yes it has been that long, sorry blog for neglecting you), this time on her own two feet

Last weekend we went to Melbourne for Noddie's ballet masterclass (yes, she goes to that sort of dance school) and visited the Aztec exhibition at the Museum, which was very informatively gory. On the way home we stocked up on Real, Delicious Food at the Vic Market, and felt a bit sad we'd moved so far away. But not sad enough to want to move back.
But my friends! I must tell you of the wondrous event which befell me at the market! The stars aligned and the shoe gods smiled upon me that day - a pair of fabulous red boots that Actually Zipped Up Over My Blessedly Bountiful Calves revealed themselves to me and became my companions.Can world domination be far away?

More anon, seven-leaguers!

5x1 + 2x10

After I walked Noddie to school I kept walking in the lovely autumn sunshine, to the gym. I haven't been there for quite some time. I was quite nervous. My goals were to run 5x1 minute on the treadmill, and to stand for 20 seconds on each leg on the stupid balance ball. I completed the first pleasingly easily, although I didn't enjoy it at all because I was too worried about twinges in my achilles. I remembered very vividly how far I used to run and wondered if I'll ever feel that good again, but that was pointless so I concentrated on Eurovision on the gym tv instead. I completely heart Eurovision. One minute isn't long anyway.
I should rewrite that -  OMG PEOPLE I ACTUALLY RAN!!! I ACTUALLY RAN!!! YAY! - but I've been in Broken Hell for a long time and I don't believe things happen just because I want them to or becuase the physio says it'll be all right. We'll see how sore I am tomorrow.
I managed 10 seconds for each leg on the stupid balance ball so I will have to come back and have another go. I'm home now, slathered in precautionary anti-inflammatory gel. I don't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry hysterically. It's a start.
More anon, sunshiners!

It's unbelievable, I don't believe it

Stop Press: LBTEPA's PHYSIO IS HAPPY!
IN A SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENT, LBTEPA's PHYSIO HAS STATED THAT SHE MUST KEEP DOING WHAT SHE IS DOING, AND ALSO DO WHATEVER ELSE SHE LIKES!!!
Onlookers were stunned when, after the usual humiliating and depressing round of exercises, LBTEPA's physiostated that he was 'very happy' and that 'you can really start loading now'. When queried, he stated that yes, he did mean swimming and running, with the caveat that anything causing next-day achilles soreness must be treated with 2 days' rest and decreased intensity next time the exercise was undertaken. After a short discussion it was decided that skipping would be an appropriate loading exercise to begin with, with the aim of working up to running. Walking is definitely encouraged.
HEADLINE: LBTEPA IS SPEECHLESS
"Not worrying will take some getting used to", stated our heroine, as the news began to sink in. "Now get out of my way, I'm off to the pool!"

-the most beautiful view in the world yesterday-

It'll be hard to go slowly, but I can do hard things. I'm out of the two-year hell of broken at last! I can plan! I can look forward to things! I can't stop grinning when I think about it.

More anon, splish-splashers!

Be ye kind

The meteoric ascent of our heroine from Flabby Bleaty McBroken to Proper Sweaty Load-Bearing Athlete has alas come to a - temporary - screeching halt as she slogs her way through a vicous sinus/chest infection. Hello old friend! But thanks to equine-grade antibiotics and of course the recent move to Planet Working Thyroid, all is pretty cruisy - as I said to Noddie, I feel utterly rubbish, but in a good (calm and cheerful) way. Did I mention that I am now a tiresome zealot about everyone getting her/his thyroid checked regularly?
As I reflect on the last couple of years, there's not much I can do but shrug my shoulders and chalk it up to experience. I am a bit sad about some fledgling new-town friendships that ended or never really started because Bleaty McBroken kept butting in. Oh well. There's been some gold in these here hills though: it was certainly an intensive course in Keeping At It! Next time I'll pay more attention to the unit on problem-solving, eh? My life is simpler now. As my five faithful readers know (bless you, you dear patient things) I ended a long-term friendship after a piece of BS so monumental that it wasn't worth dealing with. I let loads of effbee friends fade away - good wishes to them all, but they just weren't real! One of my goals for this year is to have more genuine contact with real friends - step one is to write some birthdays back in the calendar, step two is to Pick Up the Darn Phone sometimes! Sometimes so hard...
My relationship with my body has changed too. It is how it is. I might not be so thrilled with it in its current state but I don't hate it and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm working on repairing it and making it stronger. Maybe the most important lesson I've learned is to be kinder to myself. You've all helped, the constant encouraging commenters THANKS THANKS THANKS THANKS and lurkers and of course my imaginary friends! It's been important to have this blank space to vent and reflect and try and work things out. I'm hoping to have some actual physical progress to report soon! But it's all good.
In other news, I had a dodgy pap smear result recently and now have to have some other investigations (sad face, ewww). Such a bore, but thank goodness for the reminder letters (you get your tests regularly, don't you?  Don't you?). I've just finished reading a book called Gingerbread, by one Robert Dinsdale, which was so gripping that I stopped about two thirds of the way through becuase I didn't want it to end, and then two days later read the last part in an hour and a half in one go standing at the kitchen bench. Gripping.
What a have you all been up to/ reading/ learned lately? Share!

More anon, booktopians!

such an idiot

Now repeat after me, LBTEPA
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED more regularly than four years ago omg what an idiot
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED because it's been bung for ever
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I get really sad for ages and ages
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I am dragging myself around with bone-deep weariness
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I can't seem to keep the house vaguely tidy
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED when I gain stupid amounts of weight
I WILL GET MY THYROID CHECKED because when I look after it, it looks after me.
You wouldn't think an increase of 25mcg would make such a huge difference, but oh my, my five faithul readers! Oh my! I'm calm and happy, I feel peaceful and confident, I (now this is a biggie) HAVE ENERGY! I get on my bike with enthusiasm and enjoy myself. I don't cry after the physio even when he says I'm more likely to be able to do short tris rather than any decent running in the near future and no, sorry, no swimming for you yet missy. I feel extremely fed up and over this bloody saga, but that's it.
This is what normal feels like, I'm guessing. *slaps forehead* (and laughs)
Feel free to remind me of this at any time should the bleat-fest recommence.
More anon, Hashimotos!

A bit more Rarotonga goodness for your day :)

More stuff I know

The Cook Islands are wonderful. Save up your money and go there as soon as possible.

 

 

If you're interested in seeing more photos and we're not friends of effbee then send me a message and I'll send you a link.
Other Stuff I know: I didn't miss the internet, tv or my phones (personal and work) at all. Neither did Noddie (I think J missed tv a bit). We took the dvd of the BBC series Broadchurch - rivetting.
I'm going to change a few things to try and live more as we did on our holiday. Not, alas, spending a couple of hours a day snorkelling in balmy tropical waters full of colourful fish, but I want to maintain this lovely feeling of wellbeing as much as possible as we head into winter. So the Plan is This:
no diet soft drinks ever again
as much fresh air as possible
only wear a watch when you have to - my watch tan line is gone and I'm so proud
people are how they are; you can love them while finding many of their habitual behaviours inexplicable
only look at my phones three times a day, and effbee once a day. This will be a toughie, but it was so nice feeling so uncluttered.
a lot of niggles go away with anti-inflam gel. Do your exercises every day, for sure, but get on with the fun stuff and chill a bit, bro!

More anon, night-flyers!

Stuff I know

If you get a chance to volunteer at an Ironman, DO IT! If you can pull the stunt managed by  my dear friend the Mighty Emma, which was volunteer at the last minute and end up tacking off athletes' chips in the finishing chute, then all power to you - but handing out water, ice, flat cola, watermelon, bananas, gels, vegemite on a stick and COWBELL to the late finishers is also a sensationally inspiring way to spend your time

I had 3 of these working overtime (and now have bruises on my fingers). A bloke from a house across the road came over and started saying, you know those bells - we all thought he was going to tell me to pleeeeeaaaaasssse stopppit stopppit stopppit, and later someone from the aid station said she wished he'd said it (how unkind) - they're awesome! Have some tim tams! I nobly shared them with the crew because I've given up chocolate for Lent. About an hour later the bloke returned with a tray laden with cups, tea, milk, hot water and sugar, an absolute lifesaver at 10pm. So kind!
So do it do it do it. So inspiring
Now I want to do one...... I think I need a Plan!
Must dash though chickies, we are heading off to the Cook Islands straight after work this arvo!! WOOT! I'll be off the grid for 9 days, engaged in a rigorous schedule of snorkelling, eating, reading and sleeping. Wish me luck!

more anon, tropicanas!

Testing, testing

Cholesterol - normal
Liver and kidney function - normal (must be made of old boot leather, bless 'em)
Thyroid function - slightly dodgy, retest in 2 months (hmm, hello weight gain and low mood???)
Physio appears to be pleased and has ordered bike, bike and more bike, as well as okaying walking Noddie to school (a 2km round trip, I'd say whoopeefriggendoo but there's that whole giving up whingeing for Lent thing) and squeezing one of these between my knees whenever the opportunity presents itself.

I suspect it will provoke inappropriate comments from the Spousal Unit.
More anon,  velocipeders!

It was about time

LBTEPA popped off to the quack for a checkup and pap smear today ewww and eeek as said checkup included being measured and weighed aaarrrggghhh. Ugly. I'm getting blood tests tomorrow - liver and thyroid function, cholesterol and blood sugar. Could be even uglier.
I'm thinking of giving up whingeing for Lent - my Mum will think she's gone deaf! What do you give up?
MOre anon, pancake makers!

Still here

Just a quick one to reassure my five faithful readers that LBTEPA is still here, and absolutely fine. Keeping at Things, Carrying On, thinking about new Plans. Just not very talkative
Hope you're all well?
More anon, whisperers!

Here's my new favourite song (and possible theme for the year)

WOFTAM

The visit with sports pych went extremely badly. I wanted her to hear me and she wanted to fix me.

At last

This will come as an immense relief to you, my five faithful readers, but at last I've Done Something Sensible. You know how this whole everlasting hellhole of broken has been messing with my head? Oh my word we do you murmur to yourselves, you never talk about bloody anything else sheesh but anyway, I was thinking about it all, and I thought, if my head's going to be messed with, I'd rather it was done by someone who's trained to do it for a living. I've tried to think myself out of this quagmire and I haven't been able to. I'm smart and I'm determined (and I am actually trained to mess with heads for a living) so if I can't do it by myself then it probably can't be done. Time to circle the wagons, summon the posse, call in the professionals.
I have an appointment on Friday with a sports psychologist in The Big Smoke.

more anon, synapse-extenders!

Remember this?

Remember this? I bloody do
 and it's back.
 I got sick and didn't do my exercises for a week because I couldn't move my head without it falling off, but I still kept walking in the pool (and walking Noddie to school, no good deed goes unpunished eh?) and that was enough to overload my frighteningly fragile biomechanics and inflame my plantar fascia. Welcome back, Goofy nightmare.
*sound of head exploding*
this never ends

ssdd

went to physio
usual news (not 'yay!')

Back at it

Antibiotics are working.
Slow uphill treadmill walking and alcohol-free days happening.
I'll just have to push out the end-date of Project No Try.
Have a lovely day darls

redrawing

I had a very triggering conversation with a friend yesterday. It was very upsetting, but helpful in that it led me to the following conclusion: the only way to let go of shame is to sit with how sad and sometimes frightening it is that so much (of a given situation) is out of our (my) control. 
I don't know what I'm going to do about this new understanding or where it will lead me. It feels  more peaceful. At least I don't feel ashamed any more.

More anon, groovers

Do not

The team at the LBTEPA department of Gung-ho are not their usual ebullient selves. They are crestfallen. They are taken-aback at our heroine's utter failure to maintain a positive outlook and keep at things.
At today's press conference a spokesperson issued this statement.
[LBTEPA]'s had these painful sinuses for a while and we thought it was going ok with the steroids to settle them down and help with the pain. It's not unexpected at this dusty smokey time of year. It was going well. We were using a management plan! (a murmur of mmmm, plan from the assembled group was hurriedly hushed)
Ahem
Then the sinuses got infected, which is pretty unpleasant, very painful, dizziness, fatigue, trouble breathing etc etc. LBTEPA can't get to the doctor until Friday so it's been three days of get up at night for painkillers, drag self through work day/family duties then go back to bed. Astute readers will observe that these days would be days 4-6 of Project There Is No Try. Sadly prophetic words, alas. There have been no ticks of any kind on The Chart. It has been somewhat disheartening to our heroine, and unfortunately she has stumbled at this hurdle. To be clear, she has fallen right into the why bother trying to get fit again I keep trying and nothing ever works my weight just goes up and up and I'm sick and I can't go to the gym and I'm not even allowed to walk yet this is all taking too long I'm so sad and now I've got a crappy unattractive haircut just before I have to drag my 15kg-heavier self to the school reunion and don't tell me people won't judge I give up what's the point pool and hasn't been able to get out yet.
We are hoping that antibiotics will do the trick so that the sleep and exercise can work their transformative magic. Your supportive thoughts would be appreciated at this time.

And no, I'm probably not going to try and enter this at 9am today. I thought about it.

oh heck I dunno well I do know - no!!! - but I dunno...

or should I? I dunno.... might be a Good Thing...might be the temperature talking..I just want to do something awesome again...Must. Be. Patient.....

More anon, water-treaders

Now The Plan Is This

It's time, people.
As attentive readers will recall, the LBTEPA Self-Discipline Division was moribund for some time, and re-activated only recently. Its management group has pointed out with some acerbity (and accuracy) that it's all very well to be disciplined, but at what? The LBTEPA Department of Gung-ho responded to this with an energetic righto! and the following:
Alcohol-free from now until Feb 23rd, excluding Feb 10th becuase that's my birthday and Feb 15th becuase that's my high school reunion aarrgghh. Yes, I join in battle with the old foe once again.
Exercise 30 minutes six days out of seven. Nothing for you lot but even the most basic good habits have eluded me of late.
Blog every three days about what I'm doing.
Celebrate feeling strong, fit and happy on Feb 23rd with my legions of adoring fans five faithful readers.
Once the S-D management group had fanned itself and had a nice cup of tea, it was agreed that the project would commence forthwith.

To this end, today I have been to the gym, done some weights (seated) and walked on the treadmill (fully inclined), and made a chart for the fridge. LBTEPA loves some chart action. I'll post a picture of it when it's full of lovely ticks.
Waddya reckon? Wanna join me in a three-week habit-change-fest?
More anon, sparklers!

*EDIT eeek I forgot Feb 19th OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!

Brainy

The physio attending LBTEPA shall henceforth be known as Bhaumic the Brainy, for that is in fact his name, and he doth, in fact, clearly have a supply of the good oil and for a reasonable fee has shared it with our heroine, to excellent effect. LBTEPA's leisure time has of late been consumed with the activities pictured above (as you can see some of the photos of me turned out more flattering than others). AND - get this, no really - THEY'RE WORKING! The other day I was at the physio and detected an expression on his face with which I was unfamiliar. Being ever intent on the pursuit of information, I quizzed him on this. 'I'm really happy with what I'm seeing' he said.
I nearly burst into tears. Much better than my usual bursting into tears in the car after the physio because nothing ever bloody works and it's all taking so bloody long.
THERE IS actual real fair dinkum no joke no fear of contradiction PROGRESS!! My knees are starting to track properly, my arches are lifting, my feet don't hurt and I am actually really going to get out of this everlasting hellhole of broken one day soon. Allowed: uphill on the treadmill, seated weights, water running, cycling. Not allowed: every other bloody thing that's fun (although I am sneaking in some heels, a girl needs something to live for, no?), but NEVER MIND!

More anon, happy clappers!

little things

I'm trying little changes at the moment. Getting up a bit earlier, eating different things for lunch. I'm just overcome by a sense of can't be bothered, which may have arisen from trying very hard for ages with nothing happening, perhaps? This cbb is a very pleasant feeling, which means it is DANGEROUS DANGEROUS DANGEROUS. Must. reconnect. with. DISCIPLINE. The physio hasn't given me permission to do anything amusing yet but I really should drink a nice big mug of give-a-rat's-backside and actually do what's on the list instead of getting distracted with how nice the new-mown grass smells and how comfy the swing seat is and how funny my new book is and I do have washing to hang out....
Off to the gym now before I get too used to this sloth. Mmmmmm...sloth.....nice.....

 More anon, summertimers!

Chunking

Firstly, if you are from Southern Oz I hope you've got through this terrible heat wave ok and that you and your loved ones are not threatened by these awful fires
The lovely Lisa has given the LBTEPA Department of Philosphy and Hard Thinking much about which to cogitate. To whit: I was startled by the thought that I need to forgive my ex-friend. Lisa is of course, correct (as always!); if someone lies to you for a long period of time with the intent of deceiving you, that's wrong, yes? And hurtful. I think I have forgiven her for that. It's made me see her in a completely different way, though. I don't want her in my life and I mourn our dead friendship. I don't see any need to forgive her for doing Goofy though - I've said all along that she had every right to do exactly as she  pleased. If I don't judge her actions as wrong then there's nothing to forgive (?). I'm thinking hard about forgiveness, anger and hurt though; can they co-exist? Can you have forgiven someone when the thought of his or her behaviour still provokes flashes of fury or pain? I think so. What do you think?
Another thing I found out is that some people process painful episodes by talking about them and other people process them by not talking about them; when the latter encounter the former they get irritable and accuse them of 'going on and on about things', whereupon the former feel unheard and judged and try to explain themselves again to the latter, often increasingly angrily. A row is likely to ensue at this point.
But I digress.
Lisa also suggested that I find small goals to celebrate on my return journey to health and strength. Hmmm. The LBTEPA School of Quantum Mechanics has put its finest minds to work and produced a list of the smallest possible components that I can tick off in the name of Getting Somewhere At Long Bloody Last. It's in the sidebar ---------------------------------------------->
Can't get much more chunky than that.

Looking at it upset me at first 'cause it does rub my nose in how debilitated I currently am -and I am so sick of being so restricted, so very very very sick of it - but I got over it. Cheerful and disciplined, that's me.
 More anon, rocky roaders!

What I learned from Goofy

It's taken a little while to get balanced again after lacking the discipline to refrain from checking the Goofy 2014 results - yes, my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend did finish, of course she did. She always gets everything she goes after.
I was ***ing shattered. Could barely stop crying. It took me right back to that weekend, limping around Disney World, trying to enjoy it and not ruin the fam's holiday. It took me back to when I found out how my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend had stabbed me in the back and all the intimacy and trust and sharing we'd had in our friendship over (at least) the last year had been a big fat lie.It took me back to people looking at me  in that what a stupid thing to be upset about way, and other people smirking and saying 'really, it's quite funny' when it bloody isn't and never will be.
But I've moved past that frightening, sad, missed-a-step phase now. I'm still absolutely filthy, and appear likely to remain so but I'm stepping back and looking at things.
So here's what I learned from Goofy.
Sadness lasts a long time and can pop up and ambush you
You miss your past strong healthy self like you miss a loved one
Manning up and holding it together is very good discipline but sometimes it makes people thinking you're not hurting as much as you actually are.
Losing a huge dream makes you very afraid to have other dreams or even move very far from the absolute present.
I'm scared of curbs
Some of your friends are selfish lying ****ing *****es and there's nothing you can do about that.
It's a very long way and costs a great deal of money to travel to Disney World. I still ant to do Goofy. I want those medals! But I can't see justifying it financially - and I can't see any linear connection between where I am now and being able to run any meaningful distance either. All I can do is pretend, in as cheerful, disciplined and mindful a way as possible (although I confess there have been some monumental failures with regard to the first two this week), and do what the physio says. Activate the core! Swimming's been taken off the table, btw. Boo. We're staying in a block of flats in Brisbane (did I tell you we're on holiday in Brisbane this week? Brisbane's fab!) so, in the absence of a treadmill on which to walk (only while adjusted to the highest incline though) I have been climbing the 10 floors of stairs each day.Go me!
I have to get out of this fearful place. I have to start looking ahead without flinching. But how? Any thoughts?
What big dreams are you chasing?

Cheerful, disciplined and mindful

As my five faithful readers know, LBTEPA Inc. does like to have something to focus on - 'you say I'm goal-oriented like it's a bad thing' didn't come out of nowhere!
If you'd care to glance to your right you will see that the focus words for the year have changed from 'work hard' to 'cheerful, disciplined and mindful'.
Last year, let's face it, was a bit of a slog athletically (as the LBTEPA Institute of Spin-Doctors has kindly put it - most would have called it a wretched, self-pitying, lard-stacking wallow in disaster), but This Year Will Be Different. Even if it isn't, if you see what I mean.
I'll give you an example: gosh my knees have been hurting like absolute **** lately - is it Another Bloody Injury, Becuase I'm So Fat or part of the Everlasting Rubik's Rehab? Who knows, but I'm hoping to find out on Thursday when I see the physio again - but rather than freaking out/plunging into despair/smothering my feelings with carbs and chardy (BTW did you know there's a French tennis player called Chardy? How fab!) I am following LBTEPA's Way of 2014. I'm being cheerful about it, when possible. I'm being as disciplined as possible with my eating, drinking and workouts - but from a mindful perspective. Oh for ****'s sake LBTEPA, I hear you say, don't go all 0pr@h on us - what's this mindfulness malarky? Mindfulness is deciding what I need right now. Most of the time, discipline will say I need to practice getting up early again and keeping commitments to work out with others instead of chickening out, but sometimes mindfulness will point out that I need to sleep a bit longer or that the long hilly ride the girls have planned is too much when I've only recently been released from 2 years chained to the physio's couch and will only result k's and k's of uphill trudging and days of horribly sore knees. Or it should have *slaps forehead while scoffing ibuprofen*. Clearly I have to practice this.
It's a kind approach, which works better for me than self-flagellation, and I think it'll work better for learning new habits.
The LBTEPA Institute for Behavioural Modification has also belatedly come to realise that 'sort yourself out you fat cow' has not been an effective motivator *slaps forehead again*. The new guiding principle for behavioural decisions (such as it's 8.40 and Noddie has been arking up and I'm tired, will I go out on my bike anyway?) is will this get me closer to another marathon? (answer: yes! And I had such a good time too!)
Waddya reckon? I like it!
This post has taken ages. I think I'm falling into the trap of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, so here goes, and onward into 2014!
What's your focus for the year?

More anon, twinkletoes!

New year's resolution

 Much thought has gone into the way LBTEPA Inc will approach 2014 but the Spousal Unit has taken home Noddie's little friend for me so I can squeeze in a visit to the pool, so I am out the door now
More anon, cherubs!