Brainy

The physio attending LBTEPA shall henceforth be known as Bhaumic the Brainy, for that is in fact his name, and he doth, in fact, clearly have a supply of the good oil and for a reasonable fee has shared it with our heroine, to excellent effect. LBTEPA's leisure time has of late been consumed with the activities pictured above (as you can see some of the photos of me turned out more flattering than others). AND - get this, no really - THEY'RE WORKING! The other day I was at the physio and detected an expression on his face with which I was unfamiliar. Being ever intent on the pursuit of information, I quizzed him on this. 'I'm really happy with what I'm seeing' he said.
I nearly burst into tears. Much better than my usual bursting into tears in the car after the physio because nothing ever bloody works and it's all taking so bloody long.
THERE IS actual real fair dinkum no joke no fear of contradiction PROGRESS!! My knees are starting to track properly, my arches are lifting, my feet don't hurt and I am actually really going to get out of this everlasting hellhole of broken one day soon. Allowed: uphill on the treadmill, seated weights, water running, cycling. Not allowed: every other bloody thing that's fun (although I am sneaking in some heels, a girl needs something to live for, no?), but NEVER MIND!

More anon, happy clappers!

little things

I'm trying little changes at the moment. Getting up a bit earlier, eating different things for lunch. I'm just overcome by a sense of can't be bothered, which may have arisen from trying very hard for ages with nothing happening, perhaps? This cbb is a very pleasant feeling, which means it is DANGEROUS DANGEROUS DANGEROUS. Must. reconnect. with. DISCIPLINE. The physio hasn't given me permission to do anything amusing yet but I really should drink a nice big mug of give-a-rat's-backside and actually do what's on the list instead of getting distracted with how nice the new-mown grass smells and how comfy the swing seat is and how funny my new book is and I do have washing to hang out....
Off to the gym now before I get too used to this sloth. Mmmmmm...sloth.....nice.....

 More anon, summertimers!

Chunking

Firstly, if you are from Southern Oz I hope you've got through this terrible heat wave ok and that you and your loved ones are not threatened by these awful fires
The lovely Lisa has given the LBTEPA Department of Philosphy and Hard Thinking much about which to cogitate. To whit: I was startled by the thought that I need to forgive my ex-friend. Lisa is of course, correct (as always!); if someone lies to you for a long period of time with the intent of deceiving you, that's wrong, yes? And hurtful. I think I have forgiven her for that. It's made me see her in a completely different way, though. I don't want her in my life and I mourn our dead friendship. I don't see any need to forgive her for doing Goofy though - I've said all along that she had every right to do exactly as she  pleased. If I don't judge her actions as wrong then there's nothing to forgive (?). I'm thinking hard about forgiveness, anger and hurt though; can they co-exist? Can you have forgiven someone when the thought of his or her behaviour still provokes flashes of fury or pain? I think so. What do you think?
Another thing I found out is that some people process painful episodes by talking about them and other people process them by not talking about them; when the latter encounter the former they get irritable and accuse them of 'going on and on about things', whereupon the former feel unheard and judged and try to explain themselves again to the latter, often increasingly angrily. A row is likely to ensue at this point.
But I digress.
Lisa also suggested that I find small goals to celebrate on my return journey to health and strength. Hmmm. The LBTEPA School of Quantum Mechanics has put its finest minds to work and produced a list of the smallest possible components that I can tick off in the name of Getting Somewhere At Long Bloody Last. It's in the sidebar ---------------------------------------------->
Can't get much more chunky than that.

Looking at it upset me at first 'cause it does rub my nose in how debilitated I currently am -and I am so sick of being so restricted, so very very very sick of it - but I got over it. Cheerful and disciplined, that's me.
 More anon, rocky roaders!

What I learned from Goofy

It's taken a little while to get balanced again after lacking the discipline to refrain from checking the Goofy 2014 results - yes, my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend did finish, of course she did. She always gets everything she goes after.
I was ***ing shattered. Could barely stop crying. It took me right back to that weekend, limping around Disney World, trying to enjoy it and not ruin the fam's holiday. It took me back to when I found out how my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend had stabbed me in the back and all the intimacy and trust and sharing we'd had in our friendship over (at least) the last year had been a big fat lie.It took me back to people looking at me  in that what a stupid thing to be upset about way, and other people smirking and saying 'really, it's quite funny' when it bloody isn't and never will be.
But I've moved past that frightening, sad, missed-a-step phase now. I'm still absolutely filthy, and appear likely to remain so but I'm stepping back and looking at things.
So here's what I learned from Goofy.
Sadness lasts a long time and can pop up and ambush you
You miss your past strong healthy self like you miss a loved one
Manning up and holding it together is very good discipline but sometimes it makes people thinking you're not hurting as much as you actually are.
Losing a huge dream makes you very afraid to have other dreams or even move very far from the absolute present.
I'm scared of curbs
Some of your friends are selfish lying ****ing *****es and there's nothing you can do about that.
It's a very long way and costs a great deal of money to travel to Disney World. I still ant to do Goofy. I want those medals! But I can't see justifying it financially - and I can't see any linear connection between where I am now and being able to run any meaningful distance either. All I can do is pretend, in as cheerful, disciplined and mindful a way as possible (although I confess there have been some monumental failures with regard to the first two this week), and do what the physio says. Activate the core! Swimming's been taken off the table, btw. Boo. We're staying in a block of flats in Brisbane (did I tell you we're on holiday in Brisbane this week? Brisbane's fab!) so, in the absence of a treadmill on which to walk (only while adjusted to the highest incline though) I have been climbing the 10 floors of stairs each day.Go me!
I have to get out of this fearful place. I have to start looking ahead without flinching. But how? Any thoughts?
What big dreams are you chasing?

Cheerful, disciplined and mindful

As my five faithful readers know, LBTEPA Inc. does like to have something to focus on - 'you say I'm goal-oriented like it's a bad thing' didn't come out of nowhere!
If you'd care to glance to your right you will see that the focus words for the year have changed from 'work hard' to 'cheerful, disciplined and mindful'.
Last year, let's face it, was a bit of a slog athletically (as the LBTEPA Institute of Spin-Doctors has kindly put it - most would have called it a wretched, self-pitying, lard-stacking wallow in disaster), but This Year Will Be Different. Even if it isn't, if you see what I mean.
I'll give you an example: gosh my knees have been hurting like absolute **** lately - is it Another Bloody Injury, Becuase I'm So Fat or part of the Everlasting Rubik's Rehab? Who knows, but I'm hoping to find out on Thursday when I see the physio again - but rather than freaking out/plunging into despair/smothering my feelings with carbs and chardy (BTW did you know there's a French tennis player called Chardy? How fab!) I am following LBTEPA's Way of 2014. I'm being cheerful about it, when possible. I'm being as disciplined as possible with my eating, drinking and workouts - but from a mindful perspective. Oh for ****'s sake LBTEPA, I hear you say, don't go all 0pr@h on us - what's this mindfulness malarky? Mindfulness is deciding what I need right now. Most of the time, discipline will say I need to practice getting up early again and keeping commitments to work out with others instead of chickening out, but sometimes mindfulness will point out that I need to sleep a bit longer or that the long hilly ride the girls have planned is too much when I've only recently been released from 2 years chained to the physio's couch and will only result k's and k's of uphill trudging and days of horribly sore knees. Or it should have *slaps forehead while scoffing ibuprofen*. Clearly I have to practice this.
It's a kind approach, which works better for me than self-flagellation, and I think it'll work better for learning new habits.
The LBTEPA Institute for Behavioural Modification has also belatedly come to realise that 'sort yourself out you fat cow' has not been an effective motivator *slaps forehead again*. The new guiding principle for behavioural decisions (such as it's 8.40 and Noddie has been arking up and I'm tired, will I go out on my bike anyway?) is will this get me closer to another marathon? (answer: yes! And I had such a good time too!)
Waddya reckon? I like it!
This post has taken ages. I think I'm falling into the trap of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, so here goes, and onward into 2014!
What's your focus for the year?

More anon, twinkletoes!

New year's resolution

 Much thought has gone into the way LBTEPA Inc will approach 2014 but the Spousal Unit has taken home Noddie's little friend for me so I can squeeze in a visit to the pool, so I am out the door now
More anon, cherubs!