Baptism of fire

TEAM LBTEPA

This post could have had a lot of titles – “FIGJAM”, “f*$# that was hot”, or “I do this for fun, you know”.
It was 30 degrees (86F) when I started at 9am and 37 (98F) when I finished 1:43:56 later. The run was brutal – I saw three people collapsed by the side of the path (all being attended to) and the medical tent was crowded with people covered in icepacks and on IV drips.
So. Where to start?
Pre-race: to combat some tummy butterflies on Saturday night I painted my 'race nails'(bright red of course).
Naturally I had to paint Noddie’s thumbnails too. She was really excited about being my ‘cheer squad’ (at first she called herself my ‘cheerful’ – gorgeous). We were on less cordial terms at 12.30 when she cried and fussed and coughed until she threw up everywhere aarrgghh. I didn't get back to sleep until 1.45, but what can you do?
My older brother (Sib 1) and I got there pretty early and I set up my transition the way I’d planned it, with an extra bottle of Gatorade. Later that really saved me. I was comforted all day by the way my planning helped me get through – I felt a bit stupid at times being so detailed, especially compared to Sib 1 who just showed up in normal t-shirt and bike shorts with a towel and goggles, but it aided me in maintaining my personal equilibrium on a hard day. The planned LBTEPA attitude was 'cheerful and stoic', which turned out to be pretty much the key to everything.
We ran into my friend M and her boyfriend G, which was a pain. M is a “oooh I am so panic stricken oh dear oh dear” person, and G is a “well, coming last is worse when you’ve just run a 40 minute 10km” WANKER. I have no idea why he tries to compete with me. Sib 1 and I just sat in the shade listening to them yap on about how nervous they were. Some other people we were talking to thought we must be spectators because we were so calm. But what was the point of getting het up? It’s not as though my spot on the team for Beijing was at stake. Sorry, stopped channelling my evil bitchy twin now. She’ll be back though...…
Swim: Sib 1 and I were sitting in the water – flat as a tack, superb – waiting for our waves to start, when my S-I-L arrived with the Spousal Unit and Noddie! I was so happy to see them! J told me later that Noddie had to be restrained from running down the ramp to swim in the wave after mine - I do wish I’d seen that.
The water was warm so I swam in my tri-shorts and singlet. Having a lot of experience with ocean racing was helpful because the usual flailing scrum was no worse than I expected. Sib 1 (who started 17 minutes behind me) said I was practically the only person swimming in a straight line LOL. My time was pretty disappointing, but in the whole picture of the day the moderate effort in the water probably helped me survive the run. And I will be much less cavalier about skipping my swims from now on.
T1 – it was all such a blur I had no idea when to click my watch so I didn’t bother. I’m always happily startled when I get out of the water and can actually run (thanks legs, you were great :). I’d rehearsed what I was going to do in what order – hey, there’s a reason this blog isn’t called “who needs a plan anyway?” – so I was happy about how it went. It seemed ok but was quite slow – another thing to learn about.
Ride: Off I went for two 10km loops. I used an affirmation to keep focussed (“my legs are long and I ride strong” – sounds silly, but it worked) which really helped keeping up my cadence, as did all the practice with my gears. It was already very hot so I changed my hydration strategy (coo er how flash eh?) from every 15 to every 10 minutes…until….oh no! just after the halfway turn I dropped my drink bottle!! I didn’t dare stop as it was quite crowded (lesson: wait to drink until you’re back into the groove). I hope no-one hit it and fell. I just wasn’t sure what to do. Thank goodness for plan B (you just knew I’d have one) - stopping briefly at the run water table for a slurp to keep me moving. Sib 1 and I called out and waved on each loop – he looked hot but strong. He emailed me last night to say he thought I had some talent on the bike!!!
T2: who knows why I took so long? Crikey I was happy to have that second bottle of Gatorade to take with me on …cue sinister music…
The run.
My toes were a bit numb from the bike but that soon wore off. During the ride I’d seen runners really suffering so I was a bit scared, but cheerful and stoic was the LBTEPA way so off I trotted. Really muscular, fit-looking people were walking and looking dreadful. I knew it would be easy to get agitated and distressed so I made a plan to run 100 steps and walk 20 for as long as I could. That way I was making the decisions about when to stop, and remaining in control of what was going on. When that got too hard I ran for three light poles and walked for one. I gave some of my Gatorade to a bloke who was looking bad. When a friend ran up to him and helped him keep going I was happy for him, but I felt lonely too – that’s when cheerful and stoic slipped to just stoic, but it was enough. Thoughts of people I admire kept popping into my head - Nancy and her decision to pull out of Ironman because she couldn’t have got back to her husband and children safely, and Greg’s pact with his friend to “Charlie Mike” (continue the mission) their Ironman races no matter what . I hoped J wasn't too worried. I couldn't contemplate DNFing, but neither did I want to end up in the medical tent.
It was very good to finish. Afterward I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking until the nasty dehydration headache went away. Sib 1 finished well but was disappointed with his run – serves him right for not having a hydration strategy LOL (joking). He was really impressive. The thing I was proudest about was staying contained and within myself so I never went to that despairing ‘this-is-too-hard, I want to give up’ place. My time was quicker than I expected too, and faster than friend M too mwahahaha (back in your box now please evil twin).
The Spousal Unit told me he was proud of me and kept putting his arm around me, which really meant a lot because he's not a demonstrative person. This morning Noddie wanted to go to another triathlon but I told her that Mummy was too tired!
Seeing as it was my first triathlon (and did I mention it was bloody hot?) I was pleased with how I went, but there's a lot of work to do before the next one!
I was glad my nephew N wasn’t there as he might have hurt himself in the heat – I don’t know how good he is at pacing himself and recognising his limits. I hope it’s not so hot when he races with me in January.

T minus 2

I was going to call this post FU, SU because the Spousal Unit and I had a huge row (about addressing Christmas card envelopes, of all things) the night before J's grandfather's funeral, during which some very unfair and hurtful things were said, and not by me.
But then my eye was caught by a card on my fridge which says "marriage is about overlooking the smallness and seeking the greatness".
I also read Wil's latest post about training to build strength of character as well as body. So I have let it go.
The funeral went as well as these things ever do.
And now I have a triathlon to do on Sunday. Patchy training or no, I will front up and have a bash at it. I've planned my outfit (most important!),my nutrition, thanks to geekgirl, and my attitude. Cheerful and stoic is the LBTEPA way. Stop laughing!

warning: chick stuff

My female friends: get one of these.
It is the answer to all your exercise worries. I am serious.
Your girls DO NOT MOVE.
At all.


(Sorry for scowling like this but I hate these shorts and I've trodden on my skipping rope LOL)

12 hours

9.30pm Saturday - Melbourne Bloggers' Dinner (sorry for cutting off your head Beck!)


9.30 am Sunday - After the Sussan 10km.


Muggins here forgot to start her watch so I was a bit disappointed to find 1.07.59 in the results today. I did what I could with a touchy achilles and antibiotics for a sinus infection. It was, as always, a great day.
J's aunt and cousin did the 10km walk so we caught up afterward for brunch - they are just the most delightful people, it's always a pleasure to see them. In the afternoon we had a christmas catchup with J's oldest friends - another enjoyable and nurturing time. Then Noddie coughed herself sick AGAIN and went all blue around her mouth and we took her to the hospital and she stopped coughing so now we have a new rule that if it's not bad enough to call an ambulance then we wait until morning. Then we had a bottle of sparkling red at 11pm so I'm a bit tired today. But it's all good :)

J and his family are travelling ok. Thank you for the kind comments.

More anon

Vale Reg

My husband's grandfather died yesterday. He was 93. It was peaceful (he had been on morphine for a couple of days) and J and his parents were there.

Warning:FTMI* about my achilles

My achilles is not chronic or degenerative yet and will not become so if I stretch stretch stretch and ice ice ice for a few days and then start to strengthen strengthen strengthen my achilles and also my core muscles which are still embarrassingly wobbly. My orthotics have been adjusted and DOH!!! I have to wear them when I'm riding my bike - (hello Captain Obvious didn't-think-that-through-did-I?) I'll run tomorrow morning then ring Chris-the-magician-podiatrist and we'll decide whether I run on Sunday. I've kissed goodbye any idea of a new 10kmPB and also of reaching 1000km for 2006; not to worry! There's 2007's goals all sorted out :)
I am so grateful for all the supportive comments and advice I've had here and on coolrunning.
I'm particularly grateful for Angel's remark that it is all about showing up. This week I was talking to a work friend and it came to me that every single time I face up to a situation that makes me feel absolutely terrified (like my first couple of half-marathons, the Olympic distance triathlon I'm thinking of doing, eek did I just put that down in writing? and the bloggers' dinner), every single time I take a deep breath and JFSU*, something really good and unexpected happens that changes my life.

BTW, I went to a 3rd birthday party on Tuesday and had 2 pieces of pizza (dinner) and one light beer instead of chips, icecream, wine and cake. It wasn't much fun but I certainly felt better next morning. Go me!
What "Go me!" moments have you had lately?

More anon, self-improvers!
*Far Too Much Information
*Just Show Up

waiting game

I know I know, three posts in three days, how very self-indulgent …but it’s my blog and this is really worrying me... although I am NOT catastrophising – I am BEING CALM and HOPING FOR THE BEST. I am NOT panicking, no no no no
For the last week or ten days, I’ve been having some ankle/achilles tendon soreness when I run. It goes away when I stretch and doesn’t pain me at other times. It could be
- cycling – too much too soon and/or poor bike fit
- summer – too much time in sandals and high heels
- referred pain from my unstable iliosacral joint/core muscles (a direct result of Noddie’s difficult birth – make sure you get a full physio checkup before resuming exercise after childbirth, ladies!!)
- orthotics needing adjustment, which they do. (slaps head - why do I put these things off?)

Achilles soreness is an absolute bogeyman for runners as it can be the harbinger of hard-to-manage chronic injury if not managed veeeeeeerrrrrry carefully and cautiously (but I am NOT panicking, no no no no).
I just feel a bit sick when I think about it all. But I am doing the right thing. I am not running at all until I see the physio and podiatrist. I am too old to bull-head myself into another chronic injury. It’s not going to happen.

But the thing is, (insert whiny tone) I have the Sussan 10km this Sunday that I’ve been training for for ages and was really rather hoping for quite an impressive PB and now I’d even settle for jogging it to get the t-shirt as long as I don’t hurt myself (but I am NOT panicking, no no no no…)
*POSSIBLE SILVER LINING!! Can’t run Sunday = can drink Saturday night at terrifying bloggers’ dinner!!!!*
And the other thing is this triathlon next week which I simply cannot think about just now.
The real thing is, I can’t see the physio and podiatrist until Thursday. I’m trying to be very zen and “oh well, what happens happens” about it. I’m sure it will all be ok.

OK, I’m sick of all this bloody drama. From here on I officially reframe this as a ‘thank-goodness-I-caught-it-in-time’ situation. It will all be ok.

Lists are my friends

Thanks so much to everyone for your lovely comments: they helped me snap out of my la-la attack much sooner than I would have otherwise.
I need to wriggle out from under this feeling of being overwhelmed and overcommitted. I need to FOCUS. Clearly I need to make a LIST! That’s it! A list will save me! So what's coming up, and what do I really need to do?
CHRISTMAS
Refrain from berating myself for not being as prepared as usual
Reread 'Unplug the Christmas machine'.
Buy loads of plastic baubles so I can have a beautiful tree that Noddie can enjoy without my precious ornaments being wrecked.
Have house-decorating party on Saturday, even if it’s just me and Noddie.
Play lots of Christmas carols all the time mwahahaha
Gloat that all my shopping is done
Think about whether I want to wear my tacky festive earrings this year.
BLOGGER'S DINNER this Saturday night
Resist wimping out because of feelings of shyness
Find something to wear!!! Eeek!
Remember I can’t drink myself confident because of….
SUSSAN 10km this Sunday morning
Refrain from berating myself because I haven't trained as much as I'd planned.
Try not to worry too much that I am running like a 3-toed sloth at the moment and my achilles seems to be playing up a bit.
Pack bag on Saturday.
Set alarm clock.
Try not to be too disappointed if I don’t PB.
BARBECUE W/ J'S FRIENDS this Sunday afternoon
Plan what to eat beforehand.
Drink light beer because I have to train tomorrow
TRIATHLON Sunday week
Refrain from berating myself because I haven't trained as much as I'd planned
Panicking is for my diva-esque friend M. Cheerful and stoic is the LBTEPA way (stop laughing!). I've been DFL* before.
Remember this is a practice for January and March.
MY BIRTHDAY
Don't fail to organise a surfing weekend because of feelings of shyness/unworthiness.
Book motel with spa (mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)

That's a good list. I can do that.

More anon, chaps
*Dead Last

Cranky

Don't talk to me: I am too cranky. I completely failed to manage the fact that there was no real food at the election party last night, instead stupidly indulging in a sickening scoff-fest of pate, cheese, chips and wine. I arrived home today after a 4-hour drive to a fine for running a red light - earned the day a few weeks ago that I actually had 3 hours of free time to myself and went into the city for a lovely lunch by the river. Serves me right for having a nice time (sulks).
I am so cranky and irritable I can hardly stand myself. I didn't even run today. Noddie is being cranky too. The Spousal Unit is being wonderful, the beast.
WHY AREN'T I PERFECT????????? IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, Thorpie

I really love swimming. I enjoy doing it and I'm good at it. I think it's a beautiful sport to watch.
I spent a great deal of my adolescence churning up and down a pool, so I have some understanding of the amount of effort and concentration and discipline and sacrifice it takes to excel at swimming. I cannot imagine the pressure this young man has been under, carrying the hopes and expectations of a sport-mad nation and his own exceptionally high personal standards.
Thanks for everything, Thorpie. You were beautiful to watch, a pleasure to listen to and an inspiration to many. Now off you go and enjoy yourself.


I am off to Mum's on Friday to be her election campaign PA and hand out how-to-vote cards for her amazing 19 year old candidate. I have to do a bunch of stuff before then to ensure that I don't return to complete chaos so I not sure when I'll be posting next. If Noddie screams herself to vomiting point at bedtime again tonight I may need to vent!!! We have no idea where this behaviour has come from.... I am getting very tired of washing her sheets (sigh....)
HOTW update (as you have been longing to hear how they were going). HOTW#1 (no diet coke) - none for several weeks, yay. HOTW#3 (1.5l water every day) - 7/7 so far. HOTW #2 (no food 'extras'), er, needs more work. Did you notice my fancy-pants new tables? Putting AFDs (Alcohol Free Days) out there is part of Project 'don't kid yourself'. It's all good, no?
More anon, voters!

What a good weekend that was!

Well, that was soooooooo much fun!
Making cakes with Noddie, tearing around like a lunatic making sure the house was spotless (b/c my friend V was coming over), doing last-minute shopping dashes, decorating with huge balloon-streamers and happy-birthday signs, throwing salads together, preparing painting stuff, cleaning up all the dog poo....
Five little girls and four parents – two of whom I hadn’t met, oh the stress of being shy, I’m sure I gushed – decorated cakes, made glue-and-glitter pictures and butterfly pictures and hand-print pictures and ran in the back yard and played on the slide and the swing and ate fairy bread and saveloys and the cakes, and sang happy birthday….
Then about 20 more people arrived and we fired up the barbie and sat out on the verandah in the warm evening and ate and talked to friends we hadn’t seen all winter and drank and opened presents and lit sparklers and sang happy birthday again and ate more cake…
Next morning we wandered around with garbage bags and hid the evidence and J and I and Mum and bro and S-i-l sat on the back verandah in the sun in our pjs and listened to the pond and drank tea and had a fry up and stepped over the toys and wrapping and ran the dishwasher twice and drank more tea and ate leftover chips and chocolate.
And then I went to the gym and ran 10km on the treadmill and this morning I swam before work.
And last night I went around and stuck little signs saying “don’t kid yourself” on the wine rack and the pantry and the fridge, because it’s time I acknowledged that what I’m doing is not getting me where I want to go.
More anon, groovers

Happy 3rd Birthday Noddie

Little did I know three years ago, my little sweetheart, that the happiest time of my life was about to begin.













Happy birthday darling girl

BOO-YAH!

(warning: post contains shameless skiting)

2006 Postgraduate Diploma in Psychology

Practical and Applied Skills - 82%
Theory of Applied Psychology - 84%
Research Design and Analysis - 84%

*Does VERY HAPPY dance*

Feelings?
50% screaming WOOOOOOOOOOO F#$%ING HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I DID IT!!!!!!!I DID IT!!!!!!!!
50% (deep exhale) I'll just sleep for two weeks now if nobody minds, and maybe have a little cry
(and 100% FIGJAM, baby!!!!)

Can I do it?

I've just noticed that I still have 166km to go to reach my 2006 goal of running 1000km - and 49 days to do it in.
And a triathlon to do, so I have to ride my bike sometimes. And fit in a swim from time to time. Oh, and go to work. And manage the house. But not study! Hee hee!
And cold germs to fight off - even the mighty Spousal Unit has been felled by this one, so I am chugalugging the echinacea and Vit C AGAIN.
I might have to throw away my get-out-of-training-free card - I usually turn off the alarm if I have to get up to Noddie more than once. No longer! Sleep is for blokes.
But somehow I'm having trouble getting all het up about 'getting there'. I'm not madly planning and stragetising about how to fit it all in and make it all happen. Is this laziness, or balance? Am I losing my drive, or being 'zen'? Blowed if I know.

This week has lots of exciting things to look forward to. Our uni marks will be ready on Friday! Let's see how many marks I'll take into 2007, the year of the Thesis. I worked as hard and smart as I could so I'm really hoping for a good outcome.
And darling Noddie turns three on Saturday, God bless her. Her party will be so much fun, and so will the adults' afterparty!
more anon, revellers :)

well fancy that

Thanks so much for the supportive comments - they really do help. LBTEPA's evil whiny twin has had her splash in the self-pity pool and left the premises for the moment.

I’ve just come back from the bike shop. The mystery clunk that has enlivened recent rides has been fixed. I consulted several brainy friends as to its probable cause so as to not appear a complete nuffy to the all-knowing bike shop blokes. I don’t think I fooled them though! It was a bearing in the axle – spot on J., and Chris from work, well done! And I found out that my 13 year old bike is actually far too big for me – so there you go. The bike bloke adjusted my seat to the ‘right’ height, which will feel very odd when I ride tomorrow!
*UPDATE: it felt very odd, but in a more efficient and ergonomically better way*

Noddie-the-germ-magnet has come home with yet another disgusting plague so we are all a bit peaky – Noddie had a two-hour sleep this afternoon so I could have a nap myself (thank you God), and the poor Spousal Unit is asleep on the couch after I pumped him full of echinacea and vit C. Speed training at the gym was really hard, but there was no other time I could thrash myself into a beetroot-faced lather under those oh-so-flattering fluorescent lights amidst throngs of youthful single-digit body fat types, so I had to go then. And now it’s done I can eat pizza and drink smugly instead of guiltily.
Does anyone know how to put a table in the sidebar? I’ve come up with an insanely complex and ridiculously gung-ho exercise schedule and I want to keep track of how often I manage all the sessions.

PARENTS ONLY NEWS: (don’t say I didn’t warn you) – there is wild excitement in our house because NODDIE HAS DONE POO IN THE TOILET EVERY DAY THIS WEEK!!! Praise has been lavished and many chocolate frogs bestowed – I know, I know, food rewards = food issues in later life, but we were desperate…and I can intoduce an intermittent reinforcement schedule from here on…..and she can always write a book later about how I ruined her life and make heaps of money (*looking on the bright side*)
More anon, friends :)

sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windscreen

There’s something about the huge, headachingly gritted-teeth, not speaking harshly, desperate-temper-keeping-so-as-not-to-provoke-an-infuriating-reflex-“NO!” part of a day spent with a tired almost-3 year old, while simultaneously doing the post–holiday cleaning and washing and devising a stream of distractions/not-too-challenging-but-not-just-TV activities, and trying to enjoy being with her and feeling guilty and dreadful because I love her more than anything but almost hate her when she’s being so very contrary, that makes me want to EAT. And eat. And eat.
Anaesthesia by carbs.
And Noddie’s food is so yummy and comforting – mmmmmmmm vegemite sandwiches, baked beans, vegie burgers……
But I didn’t steal any while I was preparing it. Or cleaning it up off the floor. And I didn’t eat any of her leftovers.

The chardonnay was not so lucky.

I did the best I could yesterday. I’ll do better next time.

Non-whingeing news:
My new Habit of the Week (HOTW) = drink at least 1.5L of water every day. People swear by it, so I'll give it a bash.
I ran twice over the weekend, totalling 18km. FIGJAM, eh?

What a great city this is

to have a public holiday for a horse race! No such luck for the Spousal Unit in the brutal world of retail - but at least he got to start an hour later (at 8.00) so I could exhibit extreme keenness and go out on my bike for an hour before he left. I've been fired up by the brilliant performances of Nancy, Bolder and Kahuna in Ironman Florida on Sunday - we were absolutely glued to the live feed from the race all afternoon. Isn't technology wonderful? It was fascinating, and very inspiring, to see all the athletes come across the line in real time.
If only I could get some of their undoubted dietary discipline!(makes sad and disappointed-with-self face). Still, I no longer drink diet coke, and I will keep on trying to eliminate "extras". I'm still in a bit of post-uni shock so I think it will take me a while to transfer that energy to other projects.
On to more critical issues - what to back in the Cup? I'm torn between Tawqueet and Poprock but my Mum, an astute judge of the neddies, is backing Mandela so I may have to drop a bob or two on that as well. Noddie is all set for her first visit to the TAB. Don't tell the Good Mum police!
BTW I cut 3cm off my hair by myself on Sunday b/c it was giving me the pip, and because I was Over Excited watching the Ironman - and it actually looks better. (*beams*)
Ooops Playschool has just finished so today's 'me-time' is OVAH.

More anon, punters!

Go east, young woman!

Even after 9 hours sleep last night I feel flat and overwhelmed by lassitude today.

The exam was really intense but I think I did ok.

We had an eventful trip to Mum & Dad's involving many adventures
- missing the train by the length of an escalator. Many thanks to you Ms couldn't-give-a-rat's-arse ticket office woman, for your swift and helpful service. NOT. Here's the raised digit I was too shattered to give you yesterday. Also thanks to the architects for their inspired placement of the east-bound trains at the extreme west side of the station, accessible from the ticket office only by way of a long eastbound concourse, two escalators and the entire width of the station, meaning we actually had to cover the distance twice to get there. Just too late. With a four hour wait until the next train.
- kicking a pole several times and saying 'bloody Spencer St" - which Noddie has since recounted to Gran, Grandad, and Daddy over the phone.
- not crying. Gold medal stiff upper lip award to LBTEPA.
- eating our breakfast together on the platform while we regrouped and worked out our next plan. Noddie and Teddy were troupers. Southern Cross Station is a gorgeous piece of architecture when you're not trying to catch an east-bound train.
- catching the next east-bound train, which only went half way, and taking advantage of my saintly mother's offer to pick us up. I was almost tearful with gratitude - it's not as though she has nothing to do with her day but make a 3-hour round drive.
- marching Noddie up to the charming and tolerant conductor to apologise for pressing the emergency button while we were in the toilet. It was just before a stop so for a horrified moment I thought we'd stopped the train!! Tip for Mums - those buttons are placed low down - do not turn your back for an instant!
- buying Mum a coffee as a thankyou and leaving it on top of the car so it fell off when we drove away.
- laughing hysterically the rest of the day whenever we mentioned the coffee.

This morning we have sat on the back verandah in the sun, been down the street, had a coffee, bought a new top and a Playschool video and had our lunch. We are listening to the races and a horse called Ankh Morpork is running in the Derby. All is well. Real life can start again next week.

Go visiting

Not me - it's me and Theory of Applied Psychology until 4.10pm tomorrow, and then I have a date with the best champagne the LaTrobe Bar can dish out - but you!
A bunch of people I've met online are lining up at Ironman Florida this weekend. These individuals are very inspiring to me. Pop over and wish Bolder,Nancy, and Kahuna kindness from the Race Gods. Stop by and tell Jeanne that she is a LEGEND for taking ALMOST AN HOUR off her marathon time on Sunday!
Off you go, have fun!
You'll probably not hear from me until the weekend as Noddie and I are off to Gran's (300km away) on the train on Friday morning!! I love train journeys and Noddie is obsessed by all forms of public transport. The Spousal Unit will drive up after work on Saturday night. Hurrah for adventures!!

I.W.I.

Eating for harm-minimisation, off the vino and the soft drink, staying positive. Hardly any exercise (but doing my best), studying as much as I can.
I've written IWI on my hand to remind me I'm Worth It.
*LATER* Interestingly, the lovely Hayley has also been thinking along these lines.

LBTEPA wallows in self-pity

All is not going well.
I almost ran out of my anaphylaxis pills (that I have to ship in from NZ) so I cut down the dosage so I wouldn't run out altogether. Then when they arrived I went back up to the normal dose (BTW my dr said this was ok in the short term - yes, I know I should have had more forethought and not cut it so fine to order them etc etc)
Now I'm sleepy. Very sleepy. Words about Suicide and Depression, Clinical Neuropsychology and Rehabilitation, the Scientist-Practioner model and the effect of TV on Children are going into my eyes and bouncing off my brain instead of soaking into it and getting ready to re-emerge in convincingly erudite coherence next Thursday. I'm pressing that panic button now, my friends, pressing it repeatedly and pressing it hard!!
Diet Coke is back in my life - I'm a desperate recidivist who should be called DAISNAID* not LBTEPA. So far I haven't eaten too too much although I did eat my morning tea and entire lunch all at once at 11.00am. The scales were mean to me this morning anyway (a kg UP? In two days? WTF?). Nearly as mean as the prompt, competent and charming (HAH!) bank employees with whom I spent half an hour on my mobile while they worked out that they might fax our most recent statements to our financial planner sometime next week if they can be bothered. For $19. GRRRRRRRR. So I'm lardy AND cross.
And I won't have time to do my speed session at the gym tonight b/c we are having friends over. So that means my weekly kms are down and that means that I probably won't crack my 1000km goal for the year, and will have gained every kg I ever lost back by tomorrow, so the Spousal Unit will leave me, and take Noddie and all my earrings, thus leaving my life bereft of any happiness whatsoever. We psychology types call this catastrophising. As my dear late (teetotal) GrandmA would say, there's nothing for it but hard drinking.

Ahhhhhhhhh that feels better. Nothing like an unbecoming wallow in the self-pity pool to clear my head. Thanks for listening, chaps. Back to it.
Onward!
*Do As I Say, Not As I Do

New things.

New things I did this week:
- speed training on the treadmill. 5 x (slow 800m + faster 800m). Really fun!
- tried out the pilates dvd recommended by Kathryn. I’ve never done pilates before. It looked as though it would be easy but was actually hard. I enjoyed it.
- went out on Saturday morning for a bike ride. It was so pleasant out there in the morning sunshine. I have to practice practice practice everything – cornering balance, toe clips, gears, hills! But it will come.
- bought a book called Slow Fat Triathlete. I was a bit nonplussed when the sales person at Borders asked what it was about.
- made the Spousal Unit go for a walk after dinner. We WILL have a happy healthy old age together whether he likes it or not. J works in retail so he trotted out all that “I’m on my feet all day so that’s enough exercise” guff that we all know isn’t true. He came back relaxed and happy, and full of plans to increase his route/improve his time. gmap- pedometer is his new best friend. LOL he is such a bloke.

Yesterday I started to get into the ‘cranked up the training a bit, uni stuff due, exams coming, a bit stressed, a bit tired so LET’S CARB LOAD!!! Sushi, fruit scones, it’s all ok if I’m under the pump, anyway it's all healthy food’ thing. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve done that. It’s how I’ve carefully maintained a weight 9kg heavier than my goal for more than two years (smacks self in forehead).
BUT THEN I said to myself, what are you doing woman? This can only end in tears and unjustified crossness toward the scales when we all know whose fault it will really be if you go on like this! STOP! So I…. stopped. I just stopped. I didn't die. The anxious overwhelmed feeling faded the same way it would have if I'd kept eating. This is a big thing for me.

I am so glad the three uni assignments are handed in, gone, done and dusted baby!! (feel free to join me in the happy dance). I just never got into gear this semester. Last semester was so intense, and the assignments this time were a bit nebulous – a group tender application, commentary on the tender process and a placement report. I found it hard to focus. Now I just have to prepare for the theory exam next week. Where did I put that mojo again?

Now it’s time to send Jeanne some “YOU GO GIRL” vibes as she is running her second marathon on Sunday!! Pop over there and wish her a great day.

Back when I’ve done some more exam prep.

Dreaming big

I’m going to sound like a complete half-back flanker* but bear with me. I’ve been really surprised at the amount of ‘oooooh you’re doing a triathlon’ I’ve had since I went public with Grand Plan Summer 06-07 (i). Even the Spousal Unit asked me why I didn’t just work at getting better at running. At the moment I’m happy with my half-marathon. I’ll do more of them next winter. I’m going to have a crack at my 10km PB in December but that’s only because I wrote it in my 06 goals, I’ve paid for the race entry, and I’m finding speed training quite enjoyable.
Digression: Yes! Me! Speed training! Running at a speed where you’re puffed! More than once! (how startlingly fun and interesting it was is another whole, probably deeply tedious, post)
Why do I do these things?
I’ve thought and thought and it comes down to this:
I strongly believe in individuals’ responsibility for their own health.
I plan to be one of those mad old bats tearing around doing surprising things when they’re in their 80s, so I need to practice.
I like adventures!
I like being part of huge buzzy events, and occasions and communities where achievement based on honest endeavour is celebrated.
I like projects and having a plan (hello Captain Obvious!)
I like doing things I can show off about (hello again C.O!)
I like to try and do things that scare me a bit , but not too much, but which I think I could probably manage if I work at it. As a mum and in my not-very-high-powered job, my day-to-day life is consumed by minutiae, picking up the endless tide of shite and doing the washing and making sure my colleagues check their first aid kits and do their audits and all that unnoticed and unheralded stuff. So half marathons and triathlons are how I live large and dream big. They’re kind of my secret life.
Do keep the following in mind when reading of my feats of athletic prowess(ROFL*).
I am VERY SLOW. VERY VERY SLOW.
I am lucky and grateful to be in a good place in my life right now. I am no longer suffering from depression, an unhappy marriage, chronic fatigue, or infertility. There’s absolutely no way I could have even contemplated any of my current projects six years ago. Back then, ‘dreaming big’ was walking to the corner, paying our bills and getting a job.
I started running two and a half years ago. I ran 1 minute walked 4 minutes because that’s all I could manage. At that time my aim was to maybe do a 5km one day. It’s all happened in little steps.
I have a very supportive husband and in-laws, and one healthy child.
Uni will be over for the year in 2 weeks so I will have more spare time until February.
It’s the right time for me to do these things.
I’ve really written this because I don’t want anyone else to be thinking, “Oh dear, I should be doing…….” just because I’m doing them. It’s your time to do what you’re doing.
The main thing I've learned is that it's okay to want big dreams and try to make them happen. You might be taking small steps, but each single little one is important and valuable, because it’s taking you where you want to go. By taking little steps you learn that you can dream big. Start with making a small dream come true for yourself, and see what happens. When it's the right time your dreams will grow.
Oh dear, this has gone all Oprah…. sorry, too many cups of tea, an afternoon nap and a brain-explodingly tiresome assignment I’m avoiding. But I’m not going running until I finish the f#$%ing thing so I’d better get stuck into it.
BTW did you notice I've clocked up 800km on my running ticker this year? FIGJAM*, eh?
more anon, dahlings

Why I really do it - my two inspirations.


* = rhyming slang for a tosser
* = Rolling On Floor Laughing
* = F*#% I'm Good Just Ask Me

my idiot nephew

...has just 'remembered' his bowling final is on Dec 10th (triathlon day). Grrrr!
The great family tri challenge has been rescheduled to Jan 14th. I told him he just wants another month to train so I don't beat him by too much LOL.
Now I have to work out whether I can afford the $$$ and family-time to do both Dec and Jan, since I already have the Sussan 10km on Dec 3rd. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... what could persuade the Spousal Unit get up at stupid o'clock to watch hundreds of lean lycra-clad keensters zooming about....twice?

Guess what?

I entered a triathlon!! This one!
On December 10th!
With my nephew!
He's 15 and a gun cyclist. I'm a better swimmer, but he told my sister he thought he might catch me on the bike leg . When I heard this I told her to tell him that if he doesn't catch his slow old aunty he's a disgrace and she should make him walk home!
The cash is on the barrel now so (with respect to the great Bolder ) it is ON! It is SO ON!
My Grand Plan for summer 06-07 is coming together... bwahahahaha!

on your bike Noddie

I'm trying not to spend too much time blogging while I power through these last assignments, but......
this is for you, Hayley - the unfrumping of LBTEPA, such as it is.
The statue of David was a joke gift from my brother. We think it raises the tone LOL.

When I decided to ride my bike to uni on Sunday, the Spousal Unit raced outside to clean off all the spiders/grease the chain/check the brakes, bless him. Noddie helped.

J zoomed Noddie around the garden as she giggled hysterically. She spent the rest of the day wearing 'her' helmet.
BTW, cycling and running use very different muscles! Who knew? I can feel a summer project coming on...

Cheers to Jeremy and Amanda, and HOTW

After my run-in with the ghastly "customer service" (HA!) people at Yarra Council I was pretty upset, feeling like a victim and as though the world was an unfriendly and unfair place. *Note: I was not trying to avoid paying the fine. I was trying to pay it! Imagine what they'd be like to people who aren't trying to cooperate!!
So I had a bit of a snivel and a cup of tea, and then I went out to prove myself wrong.
Jeremy at the hairdresser was funny, polite and competent, and I no longer look like a tragic frump with no interest in her appearance. Amanda at the phone shop was charming, polite and competent, and laughed at my lame jokes as we replaced my dead phone. Between them they restored my faith that people are fundamentally nice. I do believe that. When I got home I rang Amanda's manager to tell her how impressed I was. Spread the love, I say.
BTW 'Habit of the Week (HOTW) #1 - no diet coke/soft drink is going very well. I am horrified how much money I spent on that stuff! My M-I-L gave me a diet coke yesterday and I couldn't finish it. So there's a habit broken :) Go me.
HOTW #2 has been 'no extras', because they're what's been tripping me up in terms of weight loss. By 'extras', I mean bites of Noddie's sausage roll, coffee-and-cake instead of coffee, dessert just because J is having some, nervous/angry eating of jelly snakes... you know the drill.Thinking 'is this an extra?' whenever I reach for something outside the normal meal pattern is working much better than I expected. A bit like journalling food, but no need to find a pen - we have to keep them out of Noddie's reach so there is never one when you need it LOL.
Any ideas for HOTW #3? Nothing too hard!! I need to succeed!
I have done no exercise this week and I am champing at the bit for a run. Tonight, I hope. Next week I'm going to follow Linda's fine example and get back into the weights. Hold me to it, will you?
Uni deadlines are approaching apace and I am procrastinating. No more posts until this assignment is done (have a nice life guys...)

Parking tickets sh*t me

The City of Yarra are bloodsucking pirates.
Note to self: learn to read

Melbourne Half Report (be warned: long!!)

This is to prove that I’m slow but I put in. Eeeeeeewwwww sweatyanyuck as Noddie says

**late edit** OFFICIAL TIME 2.30.45 - THAT'S A PB!! (*does happy dance*)
Splits: please remember Jeanne that these are kilometers and NOT miles.
6.20 – less than a km, as I clocked it on the first km sign which was for the marathoners
6.31
7.41 – hilly. Cold.
7.00
6.57
15.42 – this 2km included a very swift pit stop – isn’t hydration tricky?
7.00
7.09
7.11
7.20
7.11
7.14
7.28 – dunno what happened here
6.56
7.05
7.10
6.59
7.19
6.58
7.30 – This was 1.1km, but even so, I wanted to crank it up an extra gear, which just wasn’t there. I even walked a bit. Stupid cold. Oh well.
I was really pleased by the (for me) evenness of these splits. I wanted to go faster in the last 4km along St Kilda road, but every time I tried to increase the tempo my overall energy levels responded with a “well, we can do that for about 3 minutes and then you’ll have to walk the rest of the way. You choose”.
Overall, what a wonderful day! I struggled with the stairs at work a bit today, and my cold has come back to haunt me, but I could care less. As you know, I was agonising over whether to run or not and what decided me was the memory of the buzz of the whole day.
And it was all there again. The nervous chatter on the bus (and the Arts Centre toilets - the flashest pre-race loos I’ve ever seen LOL). The slap slap slap of 4000 runners’ feet setting off on their own journeys, but all with the same dream. The people I talked to as I ran – and this year was able to help and encourage a little bit, as I was helped and encouraged so much last year - in particular Trevor the triathlete (no, really) who ran with me the whole 5km stretch from Brighton to St Kilda, which is flat and exposed and broke my heart last year so I was a bit scared of it – and then fell back!! I was faster than someone!!! I’m so shallow...
The coolrunning cheersquads, which made this little back o’the packer feel like a ROCK STAR - YOU GUYS ARE WONDERFUL!!!

The tailwind. The amazingly-much–smaller–than–last-year Fitzroy St hill. Running along St Kilda Road with a woman who’d survived breast cancer and decided to do something crazy like run 21.1km to celebrate. I’m so sorry I had to leave you behind - I hope the anguish in your eyes was turned to happiness at the finish.
Spotting the Spousal Unit waving from the crowd as I ran up the chute (on Bathurst Sunday – what a sacrifice…Everything.
It was better than last year because I understand more about what it means and what it takes to run 20+km now. I loved feeling as though I knew what I was doing. I got to cheer in the marathoners, which was a blast! I loved the way the crowd tried to lift the runners who were faltering at the end of their long road, and how so many runners had their kids running with them to share their proudest moment (I’m tearing up writing this). And I loved catching up with so many Cool Runners at Transport afterwards and sharing the boring shoes/hydration/horror story/no-you-were-great-no-you-were-great camaraderie which is such a big part of what I love about running.
But really I love it because runners dream big. And they go after it as hard as they can. And that’s how I want to live.
And I'm still wearing my medal.

SPF beats DNF beats DNS

...and PB (watch time, by 55 seconds) beats SPF beats DNF beats DNS! Woo hoo!


(this has barely left my neck, and won’t until I feel like it)

Heartfelt thanks to the commenters on my last post who made me realise why I had to have a crack at the run. I thought of you often yesterday.

Finally, congratulations and well done to Sparkdriver who ran his first marathon yesterday! Get over to his blog and tell him what a legend he is!!
And a loud round of applause to my old running buddy Frankie, who toughed out blisters and cramping to finish more than an hour after his anticipated time. Well done mate - now you can blitz your PB next year :)
More anon, chaps. Proper race report tomorrow-ish. Have a great day.

Tagged

hanellie has "tagged" me to provide a concise self-portrait in 8 factoids. My first tagging ever! Most stuff about me is in the 'it's a long story' link in my sidebar but I'll have a bash at some more.
1. I never imagined it was possible to love anyone as much as I love my Noddie. It is a qualitatively different love from the way I love the Spousal Unit.
2. Some days I want to change my name and run away to Venezuela so much I check tickets and schedules on the net.
3. I have an extremely bad tempered, nasty streak which I try to exercise as seldom as possible.
4. Some people say I'm driven, but I see it differently. I'm allowed to want things and go after them. BTW these things are not usually "things", but experiences like running, travelling, study.
5. Exercise calms me down and makes me happy.
6. Wine is a constant temptation.
7. I try to see everything in life as an adventure and to teach Noddie this.
8. I'm a big fan of Thoreau's saying that the worth of something is the amount of life you have to expend to get it.

If the Half Marathon was today I'd make it Beaumaris (2.5km from the start). Is a DNS better or worse than a SPF (Slow Painful Finish)? I don't know....... trying not to be sad......
The reality is, I know it would be stupid to do it, but a part of me (the bloody-minded, pigheaded part of me) wants it. It's not just the bling. It's the day. It's the crowds, it's the buzz, it's the euphoria as you fly up the last bit of road to the Arts Centre Spire and for about 2 minutes your legs stop hurting and then you cross the line and there is absolutely nothing like that feeling.....and the grin you can't take off your face all day....and boring everyone stupid with anecdotes... and feeling just that bit taller...
Is it worth almost 3 (if I'm not travelling well) cold, (I gather the forecast isn't good) miserable, questioning-every-step hours?
I don't know.

harnessing the power of the mind

Gentle readers: I need the power of your collective minds!!
Please direct the mighty power of your thoughts toward this (strong expletive) head cold infesting my noggin. Let it know that it DOESN'T EXIST and therefore will NOT stop me running my half-marathon on Sunday. Will it out of existence. Smite it with your ESP. Smack it with a fly swat. I don't care. Just make it gone.
Meanwhile I will lurch about the house in my tatty pjs wiping my nose and Noddie's nose, chugging vitamin C, echinacea and tea and gargling salt water at intervals (I read it somewhere).
I am not giving into "waaaaaaaaaah this is so unfaaaaaaaaaaair I've worked so haaaaaaaaaaaard I've been looking forward to this for aaaaaaaaaaaaaaages" thoughts, because they are unbecoming, and anyway they are old - I used them all when I had to pull out of the Run to the G Half Marathon in July because of an unscheduled tooth extraction with 16 stitches. Old old old. So is DNSing. Old. So give it your all, folks. With your help I can get the bling.
BTW even with a spectacularly ill-timed head cold I feel 100% better than before I fixed my iron levels. It's just a massive PITA*
*Pain In The Arse

ooh my head

and this time alcohol had nothing to do with it!
I'm currently starring in that fun reality show called "When sinuses attack!" Are the Running Gods trying to tell me something? Good thing sudafed is my friend so I don't have to saw off my head.
As for the 'never ever eating again' statement: yesterday was our first day in the new building at work and there was a catered lunch. Enough said I think.
I have to get a grip on this weight loss thing. I have to let go my hatred of my new scales and make them my friend. In a peculiar way, I've almost been eating to spite them - c'mon, do your worst, see if I care!! I am going to wipe off the black crayon scribbles - Noddie did it! honestly! - and draw a big heart or some flowers or something.
Big changes never work for me, so I am going to pick a 'habit of the week' to work on. This week I will eliminate/minimise diet coke.
This post isn't flowing, probably because of my new best friend sudafed. More anon.

please speak quietly

I'd like to blame Simlin. His Eagles' nailbiting stoush with the Swans was all the Grand Final anyone could want - apart, of course, from a 10 goal shellacking of the opposition by one's own team; I'll have to wait until next year for that (laughter). Hope you had a big one Simlin!!
And I'd like to blame my friend V - when I am told to "come over at 1.30 so we can have some food" then I don't eat lunch. So when there's no actual food, only chips and olives and cheese, I eat them, so the wine I drink while distracted by the thrilling footy doesn't get me too messy. And when the real food appears, at three quarter time, I eat that too, because it's yummy, and because all those kilojoule-laden nuggets haven't filled me up properly, no no no.
But I can't blame anyone but myself. I just went straight back to my old piggy party eating habits and 'forgot' all the party food strategies I've practiced for all these years. Good one LBTEPA!! Top effort! NOT!!
And I'm feeling pretty happy about Noddie and the Spousal Unit, and I don't take much trouble with my hair, and I'm not a bloke, so I couldn't really join in either the "our lives are crap our kids are awful our husbands are tiresome we all go to the same hairdresser isn't she good" conversation, or be the only chick hanging around the barbecue. Well, I could have, but I didn't. So I felt a bit lonely and a bit of a social failure so I drank a bit more wine.
But then the Spousal Unit arrived and I started to have a nice time. And then I walked Noddie home in the windy darkness and we were very pleased to be having an adventure, and then I was a bit peckish and feeling kindly toward J so I ordered Chinese food so we could share it when he got home, and I had a glass or two of sparkling shiraz while I was waiting for him and picking at the food.....
The Spousal Unit has gone back to bed, poor lambie, and Noddie is dancing to Play School dressed only in her singlet. I'm in my dressing gown, and I'm very glad I got my weekend run over with yesterday morning.
I am never, ever, ever eating or drinking anything ever, ever again.

I'm in.

It looks as though I'll be getting up very early on Sunday week (beams).
I ran for 95 minutes this morning with no more than the usual "I hate this whose stupid idea was this how long have these bastard hills been here my legs hurt it's too hot is it time for a drink yet?" so it is now official: barring unforseen circumstances, against which my fingers are firmly crossed - as, I hope, are yours - I WILL be running my second Melbourne Half Marathon on October 8th (grins foolishly to self).
Dayum but that vitamin C is some good shit!!

(*soundtrack to this post: feelin' groovy*)

Vitamin C, how I love thee

Can this be true? I'm not sure if I can believe it: I'm suspicious that it might be temporary and I shouldn’t get my hopes up or enjoy it too much....
Bah! Caution to the winds I say! Let’s strike up the band, bring out the dancing girls and cue the trumpet fanfare because ….

I FEEL WELL

I didn’t realise iron was so complicated - apparently my blood was full of the uncooperative (I envision it as lumpy?) un-absorbable type of iron and sorely lacking in the helpful pep-you-up with-vim-and-vigour sort. My doctor suggested I start taking vitamin C to get the good stuff where it ought to be, so I dragged my weary carcass to the chemist and purchased some large orange tablets to add to the array I chug down each day (I’m not joking when I tell you I rattle when I walk).
So yesterday afternoon I was conscious of a strange feeling of…energy. The walk to the station was about a mile shorter. Yesterday evening I didn’t lurch from the table to the kitchen to the couch, wishing it was early enough to decently go to bed. This morning I didn’t wake up and think “oh f#$%, I have to get up”.

I FEEL WELL!

How long have I been under-par that I can hardly remember feeling this good? I’m rather pathetically hoping this isn’t some kind of illusion that will wear off. But just this moment I don’t care.

I FEEL WELL!!!

achy breaky heart

My heart isn't really broken, I just couldn't resist giving you all the worst possible ear-worm mwahahahaha.
My arms and legs and joints, however, are achy and leaden and I cannot even imagine being able to run my everyday 9km let alone 21. I am told this is normal when iron and thyroid levels tank simultaneously. Boo! And you, bastard cold - you can just bugger off, because you're not helping.
I'm delaying a decision about running the Melbourne Half until next Sunday, when the dosage changes may have had time to kick in. For the moment I'll just call this a realllllllly long taper.

how I feel is REALLY not who I am

Blood test results: very low iron and self-destructing thyroid. Side effects: weight gain (or inability to lose weight) and depression. Oh, and tiredness/ weariness/ lethargy/can't-get-out-of-your-own-roadness. Hoo-f#$%ing-ray.
Now I can start to feel better. Yay for drugs! But I'm pleased I got Wednesday's insight before I got the test results. It really helped me to challenge those permanent/pervasive/personal pessimistic thought patterns I was getting tangled in.
- I'm jealous of my friend M going to China DOES NOT EQUAL I am a bad friend.
- I've been a bit slow to get stuck into uni this semester DOES NOT EQUAL I am lazy.
- I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately DOES NOT EQUAL I can't cope with life.
See, it's easy!
I've been a HUGE fan of Martin Seligman's idea of learned optimism for many years - but it seems I'd better dig that book out and read it again, eh?

how I feel is not who I am

Scott has just saved me with that one sentence.
This will sound stupid but I'm so relieved. I am not how I feel. Feelings will go away and I will still be here.
It's as though a stone has rolled off me. I can see a way out of the mental sludge I've been wading through. Maybe I can lose that 'just hang on, keep struggling and things will get better soon' feeling, and rest. And not disappear.

in praise of gardeners

It's late twilight, getting dark, quite warm for September. I'm puffing up a hill, enjoying the effort and thinking about how funny my Staffy Rosie looks from behind as she trots along. In an instant everything changes as I run through a waft of the most intense, sensual fragrance – freesias, roses, stock, jasmine... I'm a different person, joyfully alive in the world....
That beautiful moment happened over and over on my run, and each time it did, I thanked God for gardeners. They don't know how much their efforts planting and tending enriched the life of this passer-by.

warning: much bleating ahead

This is pretty much complaining so if you’re after inspiration you’d better go and read someone else’s blog – any one of my links actually!!
I’ve been sleeping so badly the last few weeks – I’m starting to feel actually depressed instead of just a bit tired/down, and that’s frightening me. Last night I tried to counter all the negative thoughts with postive ones so I could get back to sleep. It worked quite well. Here they are.
The Bulldogs lost. They’re a young side and they’ve played their hearts out this year. Can’t ask for more than that.
I’ve been feeling like crap for a few weeks. I had blood tests on Friday so if necessary my iron and thyroid tablets can be adjusted. Summer's coming, yay, and I'm getting over my cold too.
A glass of wine is not the answer to feeling tired and overwhelmed in the evenings. Last week I managed 2 AFD out of 7. This week I’ll be better. J and L are great helps with this, bless them.
Those new scales aren’t helping – having 10kg to lose instead of 6 just seems so much harder. Plan: weigh myself twice a week instead of daily. Scales in the cupboard not out on the floor.
I’ve eaten nothing but JUNK for the last 48 hours. That’s not completely true although there was a lot of treat eating and tired eating which is never pretty. And I did attempt some damage control with portion sizes and not eating chips and so on.
I haven’t done any work for uni for this whole term. Mainly because of the group project we’re stuck with which is giving me the pip BIG TIME. I just have to suck up my ‘issues’ and get stuck into it. *I’ve already done a little bit this morning and will do more shortly. I will learn from this and make sure I don’t get myself into a pressure situation again.
I’m very worried by the amount of time I spend not working at work. The soft-boiled eggs will surely hit the fan soon. I’ve come up with a Plan which I’ll start tomorrow morning – I’ll schedule 'blogging breaks' to pop up on the screen! If that doesn’t work I will try Plan B – asking our IT tech to cut my internet access until after 3pm. It would be easy to blame my boss for lack of direction and supervision – and I do!! - but I have to take my own responsibility and action as well.
I took our Staffy Rosie with me when I ran on Friday night. Gosh it was pleasant. I did 9km including a few hills, and got home just as the sky was darkening so I was bathed in the gorgeous golds and pinks of sunset all the time. I’m lucky.

thanks everyone

yes, 2 posts in one day. But I wanted to express this.
I was moping around the house this morning feeling overwhelmed and agitated by the endless tide of shite that whirls around my house waiting for me to pick it up, as well as the other obligations lurking in the shadows of Too Hard Too Much I Give Up. So I wrote my earlier post as a kind of bleat for help, and, I confess, sympathy from you all.
Then I realised I had a choice. I could endure today, and get as much done as possible under the weight of that overwhelmed feeling, or I could do something different. I was in such a state of almost-panicked tunnel vision that it didn't occur to me that even though I didn't have time to run, I could still exercise (and get some o' those grouse happy-endorphins!!). Because...(and you'll laugh) one of those bits of irritating shite that gets in my way all the time is... an exercise bike.

As I pedalled I was thinking of you and how you'd laugh when I told you this story. 30 minutes later and I'm feeling much better, thanks. Sweaty and calm. A bit down still, but no longer helpless. Thanks everyone :)

yesterday and today

Yesterday:
got up at 5.15 to run. Nice.
had huge fight with Noddie (hello? she's two! who's the adult here?) that upset me all day.
ate ok.
wasted time at work.
new scales register 4kg higher than old scales.
drank wine with dinner.
Today:
will be different.

Say it out loud.

The last 2-3 weeks I have not been
- getting up early to train
- cross-training (I like weights – why don’t I do them?)
- journaling my food
- watching portion sizes
I have been
- drinking more wine than is appropriate when my target is weight-loss.
- making excuses.
This must change. The excuses are the most dangerous thing. Yes, I am quite busy. I have a job and studies and a husband and a kid and a house and hobbies and and and…... but I have plenty of time if I use it properly. Let me not kid myself.
I do know what I want. I want to lose 7kg by Christmas. I want to run 2.29 or faster on October 8th in the Melbourne Half Marathon. I want to qualify as a psychologist. I want to do an Olympic distance triathlon this summer (oooooh, that’s scary to see written down…..).
I know how to get these things. I know that I need to take responsibility for what I eat and drink. I know that I need to get up early and work out in the mornings. I can do hard things. I’ve done them before. I can keep my eyes on the prize.
This post is to SAY OUT LOUD that I want these things enough to put in the work required to get them.
*Except possibly the Olympic tri. I haven’t decided about that yet. I can’t see when I could fit the cycling training into my week. But still.

At the moment it feels tiring to think about life this way. But that doesn't stop it being true that only discipline and focus will get me where I want to go. I just have to find a way to picture it that isn't so daunting, eh?

The Spousal Unit is bringing me home some new scales today (I told him to pick the ones that made him weigh the least!) as ours finally gave up last week. I’ve been to the stationary cupboard and swiped a notebook to carry around to write down my food and drink. My alarm is set for 5.15 tomorrow. Wish me luck :)

This has been a sad week in the big world. Steve Irwin and Peter Brock are no longer with us to share their passion and vision. Iron Wil has had to redraw her Ironman dreams. The anniversary of September 11th has reminded us of the preciousness of life and the importance of valuing the goodness in people.
Let’s all be inspired, and inspiring.

WOOF WOOF WOOF!!

*My sister and my nephew were also very happy that the Bulldogs won*

I'll write later about the really crap utterly depressingly bad meant-to-be-20km-but- only-managed-16km last-long-run-before-the-Half that I did before I went to the footy, because I'm too happy today. And too hungover. Go Dogs!! Could someone please pass me another diet coke?

All is not lost

Well blow me down with a feather but even after only one run in the last 9 days I have not lost all my leg strength and endurance. I didn't time tonight's 8km but I was happy with the effort I was able to sustain, especially as I am still a bit croaky from the Bastard Cold. From now until Oct 8th I am going to write "2.29" on my hand every day, to remind me to refrain from eating Noddie's leftovers or over-indulging in the vino. MUST. STOP. EATING.
Note to self: do some hills between now and race day or Fitzroy Street will make you cry.
On Sunday I'm going out with the scary speedy greyhound coolrunners at Brimbank Park for my last 20km before the Melbourne Half. This will numb me nicely for the footy in the afternoon. I'm trying not to think about either thing much - have you noticed your mind almost physically flicks away from subjects which it anticipates will be painful? Or is that just me?

Shep Half details - for Jeanne

Following repeated requests from the lovely Jeanne here are the details of my recent half marathon in Shepparton. First the km splits and what I tried to learn.
6.37
7.02
6.46
6.55 *I went out too fast but was trying to monitor my heart rate and not get too puffed. Something to practice.
7.22
7.14
7.28
7.19
7.16
7.16
7.16
7.07
7.17
7.15*pretty pleased with the evenness of these last few. Oh yes, it was all on purpose!!!
7.49*gave myself a severe talking to as the inclination to stop was strong at this point
7.09
7.19
7.11
7.33
7.19
6.57 *very very pleased I had something left in the tank for the last 1.1km.
That's when the grin hit my face that stayed there for about 3 days. I don't race often so I hardly ever have proof that all those drag-your-arse-around-the-block kms actually do something - but they clearly do!!
This run was all about practicing not giving up, not hating it when it got hard and working my watch properly - please don't add up the numbers, as I pressed the split buttons a few extra times so I've rounded some of them together to make 21 laps instead of 24!! The drink carrier was brilliant and I really felt the powerade working.
The course was charming, although a bit loopy - a long (14km) figure 8 and then a short(7km)one, all along the riverbank with the wattle just coming out. Beautiful. Flat too.
On the way home we stopped at a huge adventure playground (Kidsworld) so Noddie could climb and slide and ride on trains, closely supervised by the Spousal Unit of course, not that he's a doting Daddy, no no no no nooooooooo. So everyone was happy.
Seeing as what happens on holidays stays on holidays, we won't mention Noddie waking up every 2 hours - I kid you not - as she was disturbed by the unfamiliar surroundings of the cabin where we stayed. By 4am Mummy was less than sympathetic. Livid sums it up much more accurately. With any luck at all I'll have a much better rest for the Melbourne Half on Oct 8th. Maybe it will make up for all the training I haven't been doing and the weight I haven't been losing? Let's not go there tonight.
Tomorrow and the next day I have a placement for uni with an educational psychologist. Saturday J works, and on Sunday I am breaking the habits of a decade and going to the footy to see my beloved team play in the elimination final. I'm sick with anxiety already. More anon, dudes!

the really important stuff

It's 8am on Monday morning. Noddie and the Spousal Unit are asleep in the big bed after a night when I changed Noddie's sheets twice and listened to J snore like a combine harvester, as he does when he's sick. We are a House of Plague. Germtown. The Phlegm Palace - sorry, that was a bit gross but why should I suffer alone?
Naturally I haven't been running. I spent Saturday consumed by those frantic mouse-on-a-treadmill thoughts - this is my second bad cold this year, what's going on? I eat well, I'm maintaining my weight, I work out, this isn't right, how can this be happening 5 weeks out from the Melbourne Half? Serves me right for racing too soon before my main event, my preparation is ruined now, there goes my new PB, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...all that stuff.
Then I got a grip. Sometimes people just get sick. It's pretty pretentious to think I'm in complete control of everything that happens in my life. No-one except me cares about my uber-slow time so if I get another PB, great, and if not, I've had one this year. I've had no injuries (touching wood) and I've done the distance three times in the last month so I know I'll finish. Running in a huge event like the MM is about feeling as though I belong in that atmosphere, that excitement, that buzz! And I've done the work, I've paid the money and I have the courage to show up and be slow on the day so I do belong there. It will be a great day whatever happens - and I'm sure you realise there's a medal involved!
I'm still pretty dark about this cold though. Adding insult to injury, I hopped on the scales this morning and seem to have gained 2kg overnight! What can you do?

On to the REALLY IMPORTANT stuff:
HAPPY FATHERS' DAY (for yesterday) J!!!! We love you!

No, no, and again no.

I have lost my voice and my head feels a bit funny and I'm very tired. I AM NOT getting a cold five weeks out from the Melbourne Half Marathon. This is NOT HAPPENING. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


Noddie and I made a "day out" of buying the Spousal Unit's Father's Day present and went into the city on the TRAIN!!! and then went in a TRAM!!!(Noddie's emphasis - she lives to ride public transport LOL). We had a picnic in Flagstaff Gardens, across the road from my work.
To be 100% truthful, the reason we popped into work was to get my Shep HM medal b/c I left it on my desk and I didn't want anything to happen to it. But I didn't tell anyone that.
Must...protect...the preciousssssss....

joy schmoy

The 8km I just finished was of an order of suckitude so monumental as to dwarf Mt Kosciuszko. Tired legs, tired mind. Many short "I hate this"; "shut the f$%& up" conversations. The best bit was when there were no more shortcuts to resist taking.
My plan is to behave as though motivated this week, despite being a bit flat after the half-marathon, all the other excitements and ok, I confess, a few too many sherbets with the Spousal Unit of an evening. He and Noddie have been coughing and sneezing disgusting germs at me, which I am NOT pleased with. I'm back on my anaphylaxis pills too, which make me a bit weary while I get used to them. So 5.30am has not been happening, which means the rest of my life has been intruding into my training in a tiresome fashion. But I'm sticking to my eating plan and I will squeeze in two runs by the end of the week. Where? When? Today's came out of study time which is VERY BAD and demonstrates WRONG PRIORITIES. Meh. (blows raspberry).
Five weeks two days until the Melbourne Half Marathon. Must.Keep.Working. Why is it that when I can't keep to THE SCHEDULE I spend days muttering to myself, "missing a run doesn't mean you will instantly gain 5kg and lose all your fitness....missing a run doesn't mean you will instantly gain 5kg and lose all your fitness...."

still in a very good mood

I'm still in a very good mood from all the good things that have been happening lately. And my medal from Shepparton is in my pocket. A workmate commented that I was like a ten year old bringing show-and-tell - but shhh! don't tell her - I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE THINKS..... it's all about appreciating life's small joys :).
In other news, in a strong bid for Nuffy of the Year 2006 I ran out of petrol on the tollway on the way to a meeting this morning. It wasn't raining, the "Incident Response Team" (coo er, eh?) were prompt, charming AND cute and the meeting was still going when I got there so they were pleased to see me. These things happen, no? This type of thing is often a 'heads-up' that I'm losing the plot a bit, so I'll have to think about that.
I don't know if I'll do a 'race report' on Sunday's run - I was really happy with the time, and it is hard to explain why it gave me such joy to run slowly for two and a half hours. I'll think about that too.

2:31:07

2:31:07 for the Shepparton half marathon! I'm thrilled.
Noddie and Teddy are thrilled with their ribbons too. I wish I'd seen them bringing the crowd to its feet with their sprint across the line at the end of their 3km (the Spousal Unit was there too, go J go! :)
More details tomorrow, possibly including every single km split, as I have finally mastered the lap function on the watch J gave me 12 months ago LOL



Monday: OH. MY. GOD. I just got my mark for statistics - 84%!! I am STAGGERED.

post with words (and actions)

We have tenants in our rental house (beams).
I got 84% for my theory essay that I sweated blood over (does happy dance).
We are tearing about madly today getting ready to go away to Shepparton tonight. There's a 3km for kids at the same time as my run; J and Noddie are going to walk it because Noddie is determined to run a marathon with mummy too LOL. NOT that I'm doing the full, just the half (shudders at the thought of running a full).
I hope she gets a medallion b/c she's not playing with mine LOL.
A hoped-for time tomorrow? "happy with" = <2.39; "pleased with" = <2.35; "thrilled with" = <2.30. That time would also be "astonishing", and "licence to yap on at length for days and bore everyone I know to death" (laughs).

wish I hadn't looked...

I just checked last year's results for the Shepparton Half and the last-placed person was about 10 minutes faster than my hoped-for time.... and the second last person was 30 min faster!!!!
(mumbles to self: it's not about them, it's about me, it's not about them...and there's a medal...am I too obsessed with bling?...oh dear...)

AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO J AND ME!! yes it's 8 years since a drunken one-night stand went horribly wrong and we never looked at anyone else again (that's not how they're supposed to work, is it?). We celebrate this date as well as our wedding date because, well, we like celebrating, and neither of us wants to forget the day we got very lucky in more ways than one ;)

one of those runs

after the tiresome events of the weekend, and all yesterday's schlepping around begging for appointments with my GP so I could get a script for a new epipen, and authorisation to get it cheaply (it's not that I don't think my life's worth $100 but if I can save it for $30 all the better, nothing wrong with being tinny is there? more $$ for shoes :), and a new referral to see my specialist so I could beg for an emergency appointment on Wednesday, and going to 4 pharmacies to try and get the pen, and then tearing back to work to get some couldn't-be-left stuff done, and the usual evening bath Noddie/dinner/lunches stuff, and, and, and ...........
I soooooo didn't want to leave the house at 5.30am today to get my run in before J went to work. It was one of those runs where only the thought of 8km more on my ticker kept me from going home. That, and the anticipation of feeling utterly smug all day for being so virtuous and intrepid (HA!). Some runs are just like that, eh? Only 6km left for Thursday, then it's off to Shepparton. And I get a medal for that :)

BTW I have also lost 1kg this week so my weight ticker is accurate again LOL. Thanks to L for project T.A.N.K.E.D. and the lovely Paulene for her 12 week challenge - both helping to change my bad habits :)

Yay! and not. But still.

Yay! I ran 21km last night, thanks geomap, powerade and my mp3! In the rain, too(for about 5 minutes. But still). Yay me!
Not yay: out-of-nowhere anaphylactic reaction requiring adrenaline pen, a lot of drugs, and no nice evening with the Spousal Unit that I'd been looking forward to for ages. No ambulance this time though (is that a yay?). My allergy specialist, who assured me this was extremely unlikely to happen again, is in for a proper ticking off I can tell you.
I'm absolutely shattered this morning and I look like the elephant man, but shit happens, eh? And I'm still alive to whinge.
But did I tell you I ran 21km? All by myself? And in the rain? YAY!

insane woman shouts at librarian, goes home & makes soup

That pretty much sums up my afternoon. After a shaky start at the video shop when she tried to hit another child (her new hobby), Noddie was in the pusher and behaving very well in the library with the aid of a vegemite scroll. I was actually able to get some books I wanted rather than (as usual) snatching some from the sorting trolley in order to keep the visit length and concommitant screams of outrage to a minimum. Things were going well until I was checking out my yummy book booty and the librarian pointed out to me sternly (but politely, and I know she was quite within her rights to do so) that food in the library was not permitted and could I not bring any in again.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I lost it. I shouted at her, burst into tears and ran out without my books. That poor woman. She followed me out to try and sort things but I couldn't go back in so I just kept saying I was sorry (and I WAS, believe me), it wouldn't happen again, and moving toward my car. A sweet kind woman, who had obviously seen the whole thing, came over and was charming about how hard it is to get things done with two year olds. May every good fortune smile upon her in this and every lifetime.
When I got home I ate half a packet of rice crackers and made some vege soup. My other plan was to dive into a chardonnay bottle but I wanted something positive out of the day.
Now let's never mention this again.
*LATER* May I say how much I love sib 3, friend M and my Mum who were so very supportive whilst laughing hysterically at this story. I'm lucky to have them all in my life :)

Grrr

I was in such a good mood, but am now a bit cranky b/c the nice tenants who we were very excited about having in our rental house have decided NOT to sign the lease. Boo!

I was going to title this post FREE SPEED but I was worried about attention from substance abusers or the Federal Police. If I actually needed another reason to keep plugging away at the lard-shedding, Nancy Toby has provided one. It’s all about the physics, boys and girls – reduced mass = increased speed. Give this calculator a run time and your current weight and it works out how much faster you would be if you lost those few kg you've been meaning to do something about. Sensational.

GOAL UPDATE
Limited wine – going quite well, largely thanks to project T.A.N.K.E.D. (Text Amount Not K(C)onsumed Each Day – thanks Linda for the great name!)
Portion sizes – 6/10.
after work carb fest - 6/10
Journalling – 8/9 days so far. So very boring, but very helpful
Breakfast at home – 10/10. I also have muesli bars and yoghurt at work so even if I don’t get to eat at home I won’t be hitting the self-pity coffee scroll stall.
Lunches at home – planning tends to be derailed if the Spousal Unit is at home as he is under a lot of stress and is a Treat eater. MUST PLAN MORE.

Things I can change this month
Plan for the ‘tired = hungry’ trap.
Leave 1/4 of dinner on my plate (J dishes out a lot of food) - even if it’s really yummy
Plan for weekend eating, including if J comes home with a ‘Treat’ or there’s an impromptu meal ‘out’.

I am currently willdly excited by The Schedule. It sits thrillingly on the fridge, with lovely boxes listing the day's exercise that I can cross off in thick red texta! Hey, it works for me, and it is all about me LOL :)

Ah, I remember...

Yesterday I remembered some things.

I remembered how pleasant and encouraging most runners are. The bloke who organised the run actually ran with me until I turned around for the return leg - then shot off at his normal pace to catch up with the rest of the group LOL.
I remembered the conversation I have with myself every time I run a long way.
I’m so slow, I hate this
Well, you don’t have to do it. You can always stop.
But then I’d have to walk home which would take longer! And the others will catch me even sooner
Up to you mate. I’m keeping on running for the next two songs, let me know what you decide
(*sings to self for a while*)
sustainable, sustainable, pick a sustainable pace. Think about your form, you’re ok, this is quite nice actually, look at the river and the wattle and the ducks.
I’m so slow, why do I do this? This sucks. I suck.
No-one says you have to do it. You can just stop. This is a want-to-do not a have-to-do.
My bum hurts. I'm tired.
Look. We haven’t got room for so much complaining here. Just stop it, or stop and walk. One or the other, make up your mind.
(sustainable, sustainable, pick a sustainable pace. Think about your form, you’re ok, this is so pleasant, look at the river and the wattle and the ducks).
I hate this, I’m so slow....

Repeat for as long as it takes. On this occasion it was 18km/2hrs 15 minutes. This was a bit discouraging in that it's not much faster than last year's woeful half marathon pace. Is that all I've managed in a year? We'll see what happens in Shepparton. Where I will not be (ahem) a bit dehydrated from a night catching up with sib 3 and friend L. Should have remembered that was a bad idea, shouldn't I?

I discovered some things too.
I can keep running, and concentrating, and managing my moods (see above), for more than 2 hours.
I stay much more focussed with music on than when I'm running with someone.
Powerade every 20 minute does make a difference Sparkdriver, but make sure you get the isotonic one with all the electrolytes.
Cold water recovery baths are for MAD people. It felt as though the water was burning me! And it took me ages to get warm afterward. The Spousal Unit just thinks it’s further confirmation of my lunacy! Today my legs feel better than I would have expected so it did do something.

All I could think about on the way home was proper coffee and lemon tart!

3 updates

NODDIE UPDATE: It's a rule that I do my nut at Noddie b/c she refuses to take a nap and we are going out tonight so it's important that she does, just after the young skinny childless newlywed neighbours (who I thought were out) come back from whatever stylish pursuit that has occupied their morning. Now I can only go into the front garden under cover of darkness lest they shoot me either disapproving or understanding looks.
RUNNING UPDATE: I went out for a run last night with my erstwhile running buddy Frankie, whom I haven't seen since he got a new job and our schedules no longer mesh. He is much, much, much faster than I am and teases me a bit, which makes me feel a bit bad; but he does run at my pace, which must be just above walking to him. I keep telling myself that as long as I am out there working hard and trying to improve myself, it doesn't matter if I'm slow.
I'm going out with the cool running Sunday morning group tomorrow for the first time - and by 'going out with' I mean we'll start together and they'll wave at me as they pass me on the return leg, they're nice people - and quite frankly I'm scared witless. I'm planning to run 2 hours, which will hurt. And I AM SLOW. I know they won't be laughing at me, but one part of me just feels almost ashamed. But another part of me just likes to run! When that part feels the splendid pleasure of effort it drowns out the "you're so slow, why not just go home" voice of my whiny evil twin. Or I hope it will! I'll let you know whether I pike the whole thing at the turnoff to the meeting point car park and scuttle home, or actually front up and do it. Have you ever noticed that things you have been dreading are very seldom as bad as you anticipated (recent 40th party excepted)? I'm really, really hoping that will be the case tomorrow.
FASHION UPDATE: I tried on some bathers yesterday - halter neck, boyleg pants, very out there for me - and they looked quite good!! For the first time it really struck home that all this effort is actually working. I bought the togs.
*Now the neighbours are having a shouting match. It must be the weather.

bother

Thanks to that instrument of Satan gmap-pedometer, I have discovered that my sensational long run last week was actually about 14km and thus extremely slow :(. Naturally I immediately checked all my other routes; my estimations are pretty close, thank goodness! Better to know now than get a rude shock when I run at Shepparton on the 27th. *BIG SIGH*
In Running Bling news, I am now the proud owner of a new bumbag with a bottle holder (pauses for impressed "ooooooooh!" from audience). And mine is red! It has a pocket for my adrenaline pen, phone, mp3 and emergency details. You DO all carry emergency details when you're running, don't you? Of course you do.
I'm going to start experimenting with gatorade/sports drinks for runs over an hour as I've been reading about the need for potassium and sodium when you're sweating. And they don't call me 'the human tap' for nothing LOL. Also jelly snakes are turning out to be addictive, and I don't need any other vices.
Speaking of which, Plan "sms my niece L the number of glasses of wine I consume on weeknights" (note to self: must think of a shorter name) has worked superbly, thanks L. I've been able to text "0" three days in a row. Wine-with-dinner habit, you are on your way out!
It's 10.15am and I'm still in my pj's, a bit fed up because I haven't been Iron Wil and out at stupid o'clock. A familiar refrain, eh? However I have fed Noddie, made beds, run washing, picked up some of the 1000000000000000 bits of miscellaneous shite that float around my house in a kind of Brownian motion, emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen and been through the Spousal Unit's wardrobe and tossed 100000000000000000000000 bits of miscellaneous shite that have been preveting him putting his shoes away. You see, I am a Pleasantly Tidy Person and the Spousal Unit is a Demon Slob from Hell . It's a Very Good Thing he has so many other virtues, so I don't have to kill him.
I'm joking. About killing him. Who would mow the lawn? Mwhahahahaha
Off swimming now.

repeat after me:

Repeat after me: if you don’t get up at stupid o’clock and train you will feel bad for much longer than if you do get up.
Even if you did have to get up and tend to Noddie at 3.30am.
Gloomy thought for the day: what important thing will I have to sacrifice to fit in a run because I was undisciplined this morning?
Repeat after me: lighten up! The sky will not fall because you had a lovely lie-in (until 6.30) this morning! Will you be tossed off the team for Beijing if you miss a run? It’s a beautiful day! Be grateful! There's always tomorrow!

I'm always pleased when my tiresome whining twin goes away, aren't you?

it wasn't her, it was me

The party was fun: we caught up with the Spousal Unit's taekwondo friends whom we haven't seen for ages. It was also bad: the birthday girl is still hanging herself out to dry over a man who has never cared for her in the way that she wants, and never will (he has never said he does, or will, either). I said something to A that has probably destroyed our friendship. I'm very sad about that, but I just couldn't bear to be forced to collude in her self-deception any longer. I realised that I cannot deal with people I love asking me to lie to them about behaviour that is making them deeply unhappy. It's nothing to do with A. It was me being judgemental. Learning unflattering stuff about myself is never nice but *sigh* I couldn't see anything else to do.
LBTEPA and the Spousal Unit All Frocked Up

The lunch for my friend M went well, although I was very nervous and as always talked too much and mostly about myself. M's new man seems charming and very sweet. I'm happy for M :) She deserves some good luck.
We were a peaceful house after lunch - J snored in the living room watching car shows, I snoozed on the couch listening to the footy and Noddie slept in her bed. Later I took my overfed self out for a run, about 55min (about 9km). It was pretty dark, and windy, and my mp3 went flat so I was all alone with my breathing and the elements. When I got home my head and my heart were calm.

It's 2 weeks until the Shepparton half-marathon. I was going to do the Sandy Point half in 3 weeks but realised that's Father's Day, and it's a bit unfair to make that day all about me LOL. I'm not really prepared for Shep; that doesn't matter because it's part of my training program for the Melbourne Half in October, but I'm still scared :(. Sometimes I can't remember why I do these things.
Speaking of honesty, it's well and truly time to stop BSing myself about how many wines I have been having during the week lately. Not whines, I don't think that number will fall LOL. Wine with dinner is just a habit. I can break habits (grumbles to self how unfair it is that I can't eat and drink anything I want all the time and not get fat and and and and......)
*Edit* THE PLAN: my lovely niece L has been good enought to agree to my smsing her every night with the number of glasses I've had. I just need to be accountable for a while. Goal Mon-Thu = 0. Thanks L you are a legend (HUGS)

NICE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED LATELY
It was 3 degrees but so sunny on the station this morning!
We used the best dinner set at lunch and it all looked really pretty.
Noddie stayed overnight at Nanny and Pa's on Saturday so J and I slept in until 8am!
I wore an outfit to the party that I haven't been able to fit into since my first marriage, and I received lots of compliments :)
Noddie called out "I love you" as I walked up to the station.
My footy team won :)

domestic bliss

I ran 1:45 yesterday. IT WAS HARD. I think that's about 16-ish km. I went along the creek path which was gorgeous in the late afternoon light.
Sticking to The Schedule, I did 30 min in the pool this morning. Then I had a nap in the afternoon!
Noddie has started toilet training so we have just hung aorund the house doing domestic stuff. My friend M is coming over tomorrow so we can hear her stories of her trip to the US, and meet her new bloke!! All together now, oooooooooh! The trouble is M exaggerates my brilliance LOL so I think this chappie will be very let down!!
Off to a 40th this evening. Dunno how fun it will be as the birthday girl (friend A) is a bit depressed that her life hasn't worked out the way she expected ie husband and kids. The whys and wherefores of that are another whole blog altogether! But we get to frock up, yay!

Happy Thursday

I ran an 8km-ish circuit after uni the other night. This used to be my long run but is now one of my midweek medium routes. There’s a very long hill which I puff up… and up… and up, very slowly. Last night mp3 karma happened: just at the dangerous bit where I really wanted to walk, and what’s more, could see no reason not to, Anastacia started to sing “paid my dues”.
I held my head high, knew I’d survive
I made it, don’t hate it
That’s just the way it goes
I done paid my dues, stand on my own two
I paid my dues
I love that, because I can remember when that circuit and that hill nearly brought me to tears. Now it’s still hard, but not beyond me – and I’ve earned that difference with every step and every time I go out when it’s cold and I’d rather be on the couch with J and some red wine. Paid my dues, and still paying them. The only way to effortless strength is effort, no?
Immediately prior to that Roy Orbison and I were “running scared” – perfect for that moment when I come around the corner and can first see how long that hill really is! The Muppet Movie “Moving Right Along” featured in there somewhere – if you see me running with a smile on my face that’s probably what I’m listening to LOL
The Spousal Unit has become noticeably more supportive about my exercise schedule – not that he wasn’t, but he’s actively encouraging me now more than he used to, which is really helpful. If I run after work J not only feeds and baths Noddie but also makes dinner most of the time. Yes, I’m lucky!
BTW the Spousal Unit has got another promotion at work! He will be working Tuesday – Saturday as 2-I-C of decorating and the tool shop, apparently a post with no little kudos. I’m so proud of him I could burst. Go J go! I’ll have to reorganise my exercise schedule again but not to worry.
I didn't go swimming early today as I had planned. Instead I cleaned out Noddie's wardrobe of all the boxes of too-small clothes that have been giving me the screaming s#$%s for months. I'll swim after I've been to the op shop. Then the library. I’ve got a lot to do at uni and I should have exercised first thing. Oh well. Now I can open Noddie's wardrobe without wanting to move to another house that's not so full of crap!
I haven’t been posting my “what I will do at work today” lists but I have been including them in my draft posts which I add to throughout the day. I am becoming slightly more productive, which feels good.
**Edit*** TOO SLOW - the Spousal Unit saw the boxes of stuff and has decided to sell it all on ebay! Arrgghh. But at least it won't fall on me any more. Still haven't been to the pool but have done a bunch of 'well gotta do it some time' stuff like buy poor ragtag Noddie some clothes. I should still have time if I go now**
**Later Edit**Had a swim, at last (rolls eyes)**

GOOD THINGS THAT HAPPENED SINCE I LAST WROTE
Noddie and I slept in an hour late on Wednesday !!!!eeek!!! and still got out the door on time with all bags packed etc. PITY ABOUT THE ONLY EAT BREAKFAST AT HOME PLAN THOUGH…. OH WELL
I found the earring I thought I’d lost. I’ve had it since 1989 so I was happy.
Ditto the swim membership card (which I only got last week).
J’s promotion, including pay rise :)
At the work morning tea I resisted the party pies.
J and I had a nice time together today buying Noddie's clothes and having lunch.

PS I have started an about me page in the sidebar (labelled 'it's a long story) so I don’t have to fill in too much backstory in my posts.

everything is an example

The other day I decided to have a crack at mowing the lawn, which I don't usually do. Noddie was watching me as I struggled with starting the #$%&ing mower. "You can't start Daddy's lawn mower she remarked. I'll keep trying, I replied. No, she said, you can't start it. I was shocked. Who taught this kid this attitude? So I kept at it until I did start the #$%&ing thing. This involved two phone calls to the Spousal Unit to find out a) where he had hidden the fuel, and b) why the mower was blowing so much black smoke (it had nothing to do with me LOL). I didn't want to do it, really - although I felt very satisfied about taming the jungle, rrrrrooooaaaarrr! - but I couldn't bear to teach Noddie that if something is hard you just give up.

And on that note: I have signed up for Paulene's latest 12 week challenge. My aim over the last one was tO maintain - DONE - but this time I want a loss. 5kg. There. It's out there. That's my goal for the next 3 months. (takes deep breath).
What I am doing now
limited wine - hmmmm needs work
portion sizes - 7/10
after work carb fest - 8/10
building up running - 10/10
2 x weights - 5/10 (but I have also added 2 x swimming)

Things I can change this month
- start journaling again. A crashing bore but it does the job
- eat breakfast at home – no excuses
- only one (instant) hot chocolate at work. 99% fat free doesn’t mean calorie free
- marshmallows only at TTOM, and LIMITED TO ONE BAG!
- wine = no dessert and vice versa
- plan lunches for 'at home' days
I have also set up a buddy system with my friend L. If I feel like diving into the wine bottle/Noddie's leftovers/a chip bag I will sms her for a swift kick! We'll see how we go.

I didn't run this morning because J started work at 6.30. I would have had to get up at 5.00 and I'm just NOT THAT HARDCORE. I'll go tonight after uni.

The lovely Dawn challenged her readers to stop whining and think about what we are grateful for. I needed that gentle reminder!
THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR(in no particular order)
My husband and daughter
Being able to pay the heating bills, buy food and save some as well
A loving, comfortable home
My mum and the rest of my family and friends
Running, which gives me such happiness, achievement, and new friends and adventures
The opportunity to study and change my career
Living in a (relatively) safe country
Seeing the daffodils!! Spring will be here soon :)
My job, which I had better get back to!