The curse of the prawn

It's Good Friday today so yesterday I nicked out from work and headed down to the waterfront to get some super-fresh prawns off the trawler (as you do skite skite) for the fish barbecue tonight.
My purchase complete, I trotted back to the car, caught my foot in a broken bit of footpath (as you do) and splatted so heavily and inelegantly that the fishermen came tearing out to see if I was ok. I think I was a bit shocked becuase I more or less bolted away. I should have asked them for some ice. Now my foot is sporting some unsightly bruises and is quite painful even without weight on it. It feels weird.  I might whiz up to the hospital for an x-ray when I've finished my tea.

Bloody prawns.

UPDATE: possible fracture, a week on crutches then another x-ray to confirm. #!&%!!  #!&%!! #!&%!!

Up and at 'em

I need a personal trainer who would stab me with a pin and make me get out of bed in the morning! I used to be really good at hurling myself out from under the doona o'sloth: now all it takes is one trip up the hallway at 3am to help poor coughing Noddie and I'm All Excuses All the Time when 6am rolls around. Then I get up at 6.50 in a temper becuase I KNOW I'd be feeling GREAT if I'd just got back from a run or ride.
Oh well. We here at the LBTEPA Institute for Self-Improvement are nothing if not tenacious and optimistic! The sun will rise tomorrow, and who knows, I may be out there to greet it! I'll be doing (drumroll please) 6.5 km of run 4 minutes, walk 2!!! No more run 2 walk 2 for me, no no no no. Bring on the squeals and girly handflaps!!! Woot!!

I did charge through a major (self-created) obstacle today. The GPs at the clinic where I work are quite grumpy, and I suffer from Fear Of Grumpy so I've been putting off asking them to distribute the surveys for the research I'm doing for the Everlasting Masters Degree. Today I just thought, hang it, I'm going in! Possibly becuase I've been reading Bear Grylls' autobiography. Fascinating stuff, all GO FOR IT, DREAM BIG, WORK AS HARD AS YOU CAN AND THEN WORK HARDER, NEVER GIVE UP AND THEN GO FOR IT SOME MORE. He could so be a member of Team Stupidly Determined (especially if he took his shirt off a lot).
 Anyway, of course the GPs weren't nearly as scary as i had imagined them to be (although they were pretty grumpy, possibly an occupational hazard??) and they were happy to help me. That's a major yay since I need a sample size of 138 for appropriate statistical power and as of last week I had eleven.

And YAY for sucking it up and going for it. When did I forget how to do that?

More anon, storm riders!

why I walked home

aka EWWWWW

More anon, band-aiders!

What does it mean?

What does it mean when you dream you've drunk-dialled Mark Allen and told him he has diabetes and he threatens to shoot his doctor and then you have to stop him?

I know this

if I am consistent with my strength work and running I will progress
if I am consistent with my stretching and core work my foot will take more running without hurting me
if I am consistently patient with my run/walking I will be able to run further and not aggravate my foot
if I am consistent with my patience run/walking so slowly won't mess with my head so much
if I am consistent training will get to be a habit again
if I am consistent I won't worry about what's going to go wrong this time, I'll just do it
if I am consistent I'll believe in the process and that one day I'll be able to run without thinking about it
if I am consistent I will be able to come home from a run all sore and hurting and not be upset because I am looking at the big picture
if I am consistent I'll finish another marathon one day. Maybe one day this year
if I am brave I will get up from this computer and put the ice back in the freezer and limp off to the tri club dinner.


I AM BRAVE.


Cheers

Interesting facts

- Running shoes that are not  completely worn out don't make your feet and knees hurt. Note to self: mark the date on them somewhere.

- These shoes don't make my feet and knees hurt either. They may blind bystanders with their fabulousness but I can't help that.

- The lurgi that hath laid low half my town is of a treacherous and deceitful type, viz., it pretends to bugger off and then when you're reaching slightly-less-feebly for a bite of something more substantial than dry toast, returns with a vengeance. I tricked mine this morning: I went out for a stagger before I'd properly woken up so I didn't register how crappy I was feeling until I was out watching the sunrise and bidding a gay good morning to the sprightly octogenarians and their foxies fox terriers, what were YOU thinking?. Worked like a charm - I was slow as a wet week but got the ks done and didn't die. KPIs achieved!

- The sum total of Australian awesomeness dropped this week. Jim Stynes and Lincoln Hall have died. Let us learn from their lives. Live the dream, people! Go big or go home!

And fill up your life with small sparkly joys while you're at it.

- I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until the last week of May I have done a 30km training run. I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until I have done a 30km training run.. I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until I have done a 30km training run.. I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until I have done a 30km training run. Let sense rule over optimism this once.

More anon, flashdancers!

Living the dream

This edition of the LBTEPA News begins with ORN (obligatory running news):  despite being laid low with the vicious lurgi that has claimed half my town I am stringing together sort-of regular workouts. Nowhere near what I'd prefer at this stage in a (ahem) "marathon" campaign but what can you do? and anyway I haven't entered yet although I'm not giving up. I'm gaining weight like it's my job, le sigh, but I have A Plan for that which I may go into in another post if it doesn't seem too boring. My foot gets niggly when I slack off on the core/strength/stretching but hasn't torn again. That is A Good Thing.
The first ever Ironman Melbourne is next week and I was really looking forward to being part of it as a spectator with the Spousal Unit and Mum and Dad. I don't know if you remember the magnificent Dave, who gave me his marathon medal when I sooked all over him after they ran out of bling at the end of Melbourne 2010? Well you should, he is a Top Bloke, and I was looking forward to cheering him over the line of his first Ironman. But as so often happens, everything has fallen into a sorry heap and we're not going. Mum and J both thought it was on the Saturday not the Sunday, so J would have had to arrange an extra leave day. Then it turned out that Mum and Dad are moving into their new house on the Monday as well. Not the best time to be away and there will be loads of last minute things to help with over the weekend. I'm really very disappointed, but in comparison with spending three days hobbling painfully around Disney World looking at other people with Goofy medals it's not so bad. I can go next year.
But I digress.
Not long ago Noddie went to a party where she'd had a great time playing football with the boys, playing on her friend's wii (which we don't have at home) eating cake and watching the big kids play car chase games on the x-box. We were talking at bedtime and I asked her how it was. Oh mummy, she said, we were living the dream!
A couple of things have happened lately that have got me thinking about that.  Margaret Whitlam died this week. Although I never met her (my Mum has) I felt happy for her that she lived well for a long time and passed quickly. She lived by her principles and from all accounts her life, although not perfect of course, was how she wanted it.  The second thing was that a friend of mine was on holiday when she heard that a friend of hers, whose wonderful life she'd always been a teeny bit jealous of - great job, married to the man of her dreams, brand new baby - had died, very suddenly. My friend went home, packed up and left her partner. She wrote in her blog that life's too short.
I asked J if  there was anything he isn't doing that he wants to do, any important thing that's missing from his life? He thought for a bit and said no. This probably sounds terribly smug but, touching wood, I can also answer 'no' to that question. I'm blessed with loved ones, I live where I want to and I'm doing the work I want to do. My commute is a drive through the countryside. My home is warm and pretty and full of stuff that would horrify the style police. I wear red lipstick and fab shoes and crochet lairy blankets and run Very Slow Marathons with other big dreamers. Of course I've got a one of these days list like everyone else - an ironman, Macchu Pichu, piano lessons - but - and this is the important bit - it's not an oh, I could never do that list.
My question, seeing as we are getting all philosophical oh you weren't? righto, carry on is: are you living the dream? What are you not doing? Do you want to wear polka dots and paint your bedroom silver and sing opera and get a dog? Why aren't you doing it? If the answer is because it's not the right time, but I know I will one day - great! Keep your eye on your dream and grab it when you can. If it's oh, (a person like me) couldn't....  well...

Just trust me, my friends. The Style Police, the Too Fat Police and the Not Good Enough Police never come.
More anon, dragon-tamers!

Playing with the big boys

Hurrah for public holidays and family all the way from Ballarat for the long weekend and trips to the beach in the boat and barbecues at friends' places (but not the totally TMI conversation at the end of the evening, how do I get myself into these things?) and permission to start my placement At Long F#@*ing Last and effective antibiotics and 12 glacially slow, drippingly humid and just bloody wonderful km of 2 min run/2 min walk! My first 'double figures' since October! All that tiresome boring stupid stretching and strength work and patience patience patience is getting me what I want. Who knew? I'm thinking of doing the Traralgon half on the third of June. One of my friends is doing her first full there, pretty exciting! Go Jenny go! It'll  be a good hit-out to see if I should do the full or the half at the Gold Coast as well. We've booked our flights now. I'm stoked.
I've also discovered that you can while away a very pleasant hour googling "good disney running songs". Don't judge me.


 

more anon, wandering minstrels!

Happy International Women's Day

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY TO ALL THE INSPIRING WOMEN I KNOW

 

 

 

...this is not all of you, of course. I'd be here all night.
Cheers to you all, dear friends! You make me brave and the world amazing.

Sunday seven

1. Re: my last post. As my five faithful readers will attest, I am all for complaining as a rule but lately I have been getting totally bogged down in my own whingeing. I have been tangled almost to a standstill in my own doubts and pains and struggles - hence my 'ignore it and it will go away' strategy. I will keep you posted.
2. a self-limiting rehab exercise program* is mind-bending. It's really really hard not to worry all the time or to get a bit obsessed about missing a day of stretching/strength/core. Progress is excruciatingly slow and difficult to maintain a focus on. I have been able to wear wedges to work a few times though! Seriously, apart from, you know, missing Goofy and not being able to walk without pain or exercise pretty much at all for three months, yes apart from those small things, the worst thing about this injury is not being able to wear heels. I know: Me = Shallow. It's very difficult to Sweep About The Place Fabulously in flat mary janes!
3. I didn't realise how much I enjoy a nice sweaty McSweatfest mmmm cardio until I couldn't do it. I've realised that running and cycling/the bike trainer are some of the very few activities Noddie can't/won't interrupt. A marathon is 42.2km of peace and quiet.
4. I am really struggling with Noddie's behaviour at the moment. The urge to dive into the chardy to make the feelings of helplessness and anger Just Go Away is strong, but I am keeping things within civilised limits most of the time
5. I've recently read Julie and Julia and it is ruining my life. In the last week alone I have made my very first cheesecake, a successful banana cake (!!!), home-made singapore noodles with crumbed tofu and a pumpkin and prawn risotto 35 minutes of stirring, anyone?. I'm consulting Nigella almost daily. What has happened to me?
6. I think I might go a bit Steampunk this winter.I am lusting after this coat. But then again I am bidding on these (a pair of them. Not just one). My town needs me to wear these! (Really. You haven't been here).7. I want to do the Gold Coast Marathon on the first weekend of July this year. There. I said it. It's out now. I don't know whether the rehab will happen fast enough for me to rack up the ks, but that's what I want.

More anon, galloping gourmets!

*weak core muscles = wobbly hip = leg torsion = actually feeling foot tearing as I run or ride ewwww. If I don't get it right I literally cannot overdo it.

Don't say it

This was originally a completely different post about how I don't wanna (engage in any disciplined, goal oriented behaviour, basically). Be grateful my trembling finger never connected with the 'publish' button - it was a sooky la-la whingefest to horrify even the most hardened of my five faithful readers. But not on the internet = never happened. Phew!
I recently read Marshall Ulrich's book Running On Empty, which I found much more interesting and moving than I expected. In it he tells the story of a gifted young Russian mountaineer who was cut from his nation's Everest Team for commenting, once, that his hands were cold. Later in the book Ulrich comes back to the story and makes the point that the way you get strong and attain your goals is by refusing to give attention to your own moods and complaints. Focussing on what's wrong uses energy that you need for other things. Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it. Can't do anything about it? Ignore it - becuase option b is giving up. Mind you he ignored injuries and pain to a level that is completely bonkers and also quite dangerous, but essentially I like his thinking. Mojo schmojo. Motivation? A luxury.
I want to be strong.
I want to have lots of energy.
I want to be able to run a long way.
I want to do more marathons and triathlons and be that person everyone at work thinks is a bit odd but who has happy animated conversations about running and triathlon with other odd people.
I know what to do to get what I want. I'm writing this sitting on the verandah looking at the rain pouring down so hard I can barely see across the road, but I do know what to do.
More anon, super-soppers!

the best thing

about everyone in the family having a yucky achy sore-headed exhausted lurgi is that now I can be sure that a)I'm not just lazy with no mojo and b)it's not the chronic fatigue coming back. It's interfering with the rebuilding of my fitness, but that's temporary.
More anon - when I get the unbelievably cranky Noddie off to bad later I may indulge in some utter soppiness about the Spousal Unit, to whom I have now been happily married for 12 years and one day. He's a top bloke and I love him to bits.

up and down and up and down

Some days I'm all, ok, let's DO IT!! yeah!! and some days I'm dragging myself around like I'm made of lead, missing workouts and sleeping like a brick. This starting from (well behind) scratch thingo is haaaaaaardddd. Good thing I am PATIENT, CHEERFUL and OPTIMISTIC, yes?
Now I must stop wasting my precious last weekday off before my placement starts - SO EXCITED about that! but also very scared of how rushed I will be - and take 2 of our three computers to the shop to discuss why they have mysteriously stopped playing dvds (the pc) and working at all (the big laptop). I can't be expected to do a bike workout without anything to watch! Well really.
More anon, dazzlers!

Good stuff

- spending a WHOLE HOUR hour ON MY FEET sweating (walk/running) with NO soreness next day. There were times in January when I said to the Spousal Unit that I didn't believe I would ever run again, let alone aim for another marathon one day. I could just about cry with joy thinking about this.
- not whacking myself on the noggin with 'I used to be able to...'
- appreciating the small gains for what they are - 10 pushups at a time instead of eight! Yay!
- realising that I'd lost my purse arrgghh, remembering I'd probably left it at McDonalds when I got a coffee the day before oh no!, then finding that someone had handed it in. Yay! People are great.
- realising that I do not want to be the sort of person who rants about rude unhelpful phone companies on effbee before I did it
- working out how to close our cash passport from our holiday. I am so clever.
- getting up the nerve to ask favours from the scary exec managers of clinical services and allied health. I am so brave.
- remembering that even the ability to feel happiness is a gift that we take for granted. I AM SO LUCKY.
More anon, super-troupers!

You are getting sleepy....

It appears that here at Chateau LBTEPA we have been either bitten by tsetse flies or annoyed a wicked fairy. Since I got back on the exercise horse I could sleep for Australia, 8+ hours at night, zzzz-ing through the alarm and nana nap events included. But I'm sticking with it. Luckily I've been able to squish in workouts in the evenings. When my placements start and I'm working 5 days a week I will be renewing my relationship with 05.45 and I'm not looking forward to it. We've never got on.
So far the Great Habit Overhaul - which may be confusing to my five faithful readers since I believe I have forgotten to mention it here, apologies - has had less than stellar results. To be entirely truthful, which is of course the LBTEPA way, my birthday party on Friday was a food-and-drink fest so epic that it will be spoken of in awe-struck tones for generations. Everyone had a good time - I certainly did - but my body spent the weekend mumbling huh? what? I thought we were getting back in shape? Oh well. These things happen.
Now it's time to bite the bullet, knuckle down and give sustainable behaviour a crack. I've officially gained 10kg since I met the Spousal Unit, which while of course not diminishing my awesome fabulousness in any way, is not a trajectory that aligns with my long-term (Mad Old Lady Doing Awesome Things) plan.
Yeah yeah yeah you say, *smothering a yawn* we've heard THAT before........and you have, too. I don't know why This Time Will Be Different - and maybe it won't - but as the lovely DG's husband Dr G said, you only have two choices:
1. Try your hardest and give it a red hot go, or
2. Give up!
Has to be Choice #1 really.
I am starting to feel stronger, physically and also in terms of remembering not to mindlessly scoff food that I don't particularly want (hello after-dinner Cadbury Roses!). I'm starting to think of my core/weights sessions as just something I do rather than in a desperate/sad Must Do This It Will Fix My Foot way. I even got out the bike trainer yesterday and had a nice sweaty workout watching Normann beat Macca in 2006, but my foot is a bit niggly this morning so I might have overdone it *makes sad face*
So the year is six weeks old. My favourite thing about 2012 so far is what a good mood I'm in pretty much all the time. It makes me realise how much of the last couple of years I spent in a grit your teeth and grind your way through it state of mind. Cheerful is much nicer. Next project: make it last!
How's your year going? What have you been up to that is adding lustre to your fabulous life?
More anon, ducklings!

45 degrees

Two days from now trumpets will ring from the ramparts of Schloss LBTEPA to celebrate my forty-fifth birthday and I have to say I. Am. Not. Pleased. Forty five is such a dour-sounding number, and completely foreign to the prevailing zeitgeist of energy and optimism! Forty-five...forty-five...forty five. No. Don't care for it.
The other day I indulged in a moment of oh my gosh I'm forty-five that's MIDDLE AGED and what have I done with my life? Then I thought, what have I done with my life in the last five years?
- travelled to Vanuatu and the US
- finished 5 marathons and some half marathons
- had my ankle reconstructed, sinuses re-bored, depression and pneumonia
- finished my honours and almost finished my masters in psychology
- made the big move to the country
- stayed married to the wonderful J, done my best with my dear Noddie and made some wonderful friends
- started to establish a career in my chosen profession
When you put it like that, that's not too shabby really! Yay!
The more eagle-eyed of you will have noticed that in 2012 I AM-------------------------->
PATIENT
CHEERFUL
OPTIMISTIC
I really do need to practice these things, otherwise this rehab would be doing my head in. I do core and strength sessions on alternate days. I walk/run or swim nearly every day. The walk/run is walk for 5 minutes, run 100 steps, for 40 minutes. I 'went long' on Saturday hahahahahaha - yes a whole hour! Go me! Knowing when I've overdone things is pretty straightforward too - it only takes two or three steps with poor biomechanics (= poor core/hip control) for my foot to literally start to tear ow ow ow. Stabbing with broken glass anyone? So far there's only been one day when I've abandoned an outing and sulked home. I am patient, I am cheerful, I am optimistic......I'm off to work out how much casual birthday barbie food to buy for 25 people.
More anon, champers at the bit!

Come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab

While we were travelling I wrote some notes in the back of the Trip Diary what? you don't keep a Trip Diary? How else would I ever remember IDREAMOFJEANNIE lane in Cocoa Beach, or the letterboxes shaped like giant fish? about What I Will Do When I Get Home.
- muesli for breakfast
- core or strength workouts daily
- haven't got time to stretch, haven't got time to run
- walk/run or swim every day.
When I wrote them they were a wish list. A wow I wish I was the kind of person who could do that stuff thing. I don't mind admitting I went away feeling very down, very weak and a bit hopeless. Well no S#$& Sherlock, say my five faithful readers. I couldn't see myself as being an athlete, so the idea of doing stuff that athletes do was incomprehensible.
But over the month we were away I left that feeling behind somewhere - possibly in the Disney World gift shop with my cool sunnies. Darn it. I liked them.
By the time we left Kona - did I mention we stayed in KONA? On ALI'I DRIVE??? Squeee! - I was fired up again!
Kona is fabulous - it's an athlete's town, for sure, but a paradise for fanciers of coffee, icecream and beer as well. You should go there at once. Really.

Very good beer.

Kailua bay, full of clear warm water, coral, beautiful fish and hot blokes swimming really fast.

Now we're home, the feeling has lasted! I feel energised and optimistic. So far I've stuck to the WIWDWIGH list and I'm feeling good. I'm feeling stronger already, which is the best feeling in the world. While we were away Noddie decided she wants to be a vegetarian and I have been supporting her with that (although I eat fish); maybe that change is contributing to my happy mood? I don't know and I don't really care. I'm riding this wave while it lasts! I know this year will be busy what with finishing two placements and writing The Thesis aarrgghh but I have a feeling that it will bring lots of good things too.
I do have a Secret Crazy Goal as well (OF COURSE), but more on that later.What are YOU looking forward to this year?
More anon, lion dancers!

Orrighty

As soon as I finish this cup of tea, Operation "I know there's an athlete in here somewhere" will commence!
More anon, yellow brick road followers!

I was right

Team LBTEPA's Big US Trip continues apace. We have swum with manatees - the most wonderful experience! - and eaten Key Lime pie in Key West, which is an absolutely top place. You should go there as soon as possible. Tomorrow we go snorkelling in Marathon Key - how could I resist? - then maybe a day trip to Miami (better get myself a white jacket and some reflecting shades), then off to Cape Kennedy for some rocket science. After that we are Kona-bound, for snorkelling and volcanoes and a run along Ali'i drive (I hope)!
I was right. It did absolutely break my heart to walk around Disney World and see all the runners with their Goofy medals. I didn't begrudge them their bling for one second - I know how hard you have to work to even think about Goofy - I was just so sad that I would never get one. I'd consoled myself that I might at least walk through the magic castle but when I got there it was blocked off. I don't like to upset the Spousal Unit and Noddie so I went and looked at the moat and pretended I had something in my eyes. I sat next to a Goofy runner on the bus back to the airport and I ended up telling her my sad tale; she asked had I been along to watch any of the races and then interrupted herself, no, you wouldn't have, it would be much too sad.
Four days later my heart is still broken but at least the sharp pieces aren't stabbing me every time I think about The Big Dream That Died.
On that note: today in Key West, we walked and walked and walked for five hours (it's a brilliant place, you should go there Straight Away) and MY FOOT DIDN'T HURT. For the first time since October I spent an entire day without feeling as though there was a piece of glass in my shoe. This is A Good Thing. A Very Very Good Thing.
More anon, buccaneers!

Goofy times

Travelling update: Disney World is INSANE (but in a pretty and very well-ke pt way). The stage shows and 3D shows are BRILLIANT. The place we are staying is comfortable and friendly and fun and there's plenty of more than acceptable food. We've overcome our confusion at the upside down light switches and the sweet bread and have learned to speak very slowly and clearly so people can understand our exotic foreign accents. Despite being cross-eyed with tiredness after flying from Honolulu via Denver, we went to the Magic Kingdom the first night we were here to see the parade and the fireworks. It was magic. So beautiful. We're going back in daylight tomorrow to hit some more rides (and quite probably buy another t-shirt).
It's very very hard to be around people wearing Donald Duck medals (for the half) here, and I expect it will be harder tomorrow when I see people with all three of the Goofy medals, but I am, as always, keeping the old LBTEPA chin up, riding the heck out of roller coasters with Noddie, and refraining from eating chips.More anon, bigears!

My bad

as the young'uns would say.
I have been a slack, slack blogger, but in my defence I have been busy - since last I wrote I have
- hosted Christmas lunch
- spent time wth my brother, s-i-l and 3yo nephew down for the holidays
- thrown a 50th barbecue for the Spousal Unit. Happy birthdy darl!
- found an eleventh-hour house-sitter (phew!)
- finished up work for the year
- cleaned the house to within an inch of its life
- packed for the three of us to go away for a month
- made the #$%! cash card work by sheer force of will
- celebrated new year's eve with friends in Melbourne
- started the new year with a swim and ended it 38 hours later IN HONOLULU
- sipped tea and looked out over Honoluu from our 36th floor balcony
- visited Pearl Harbour, Waikiki Beach, Iolani Palace, and the Bishop museum
- eaten my bodyweight in Korean food, sent 10 post cards and bought far too many t-shirts
In addition to this, I have come up with the theme for 2012. If I was the type for retrospectives I would have to sum up 2011 as the year of wallowing. A bunch of mild-to-moderately crap stuff happened, certainly. My foot is nowhere near better. But things got me down. I got very very down. After my foot got hurt I Just Gave Up.
Well NO MORE. I will continue with the strength/core work. If swimming is what I can do then I will swim. I will get better. I am dreaming of a slow 100m on Ali'i drive in two weeks' time but it doesn't seem at all likely. A walk might have to suffice. Cross your fingers for me.
So the theme?
2012 is hereby THE YEAR OF NOT WALLOWING.
And not eating chips.
We are about to get the shuttle bus to the airport to catch the redeye to Florida via Denver so I'd better go.
More anon, gallivanters!

To my five faithful readers

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Wonderful

The most wonderful thing happened the other day. I woke up one morning and I'd stopped feeling ashamed of my body. Yes! After 30+ years of wrestling with self-shame, self-blame and not good enough, I finally accept my whole self. I cannot believe how nice it is to see my belly in the mirror and not judge myself for it. Harsh thoughts do flit along from time to time, of course, but now I notice them and think, oh yes, I used to buy into that s#$*. I don't struggle with them any more. I just let them be and they get bored and slink off.
It's a strange time for this to happen, being as I'm at my heaviest ever and unfittest for years. But it's good. Being kind to oneself is so restful! It means I can buy a couple of one-size-larger t-shirts for my holiday so I'll look nice and be comfortable, without self-judgement or justification. I look at my slightly-too-small clothes now and feel mildly irritated that my outfit choices are more limited than is completely convenient, rather than diving into the I am such a lazy loser pool and having a good splash.
But how did this happen? you ask, (as well you might). I've been actively challenging my thoughts about size for quite a while, since I realised that nearly every day began with an upended bucket of harsh as I stood on the scales or saw myself as I dressed. This is not how I want to live. Nor is successful weight-control = personal worth an attitude I wish to pass on to my beautiful Noddie.
Initially I was much more successful at changing my thoughts about others than those about myself. I recall my physio commenting that my podiatrist could stand to lose some weight. Could he? I asked. Hadn't you noticed? he said. My reply was, I don't look at people that way - and I was happy to realise that this was true.
I was determined to cultivate a more peaceful and loving way of being. I kept noticing my self-critical, self-hating thoughts and allowing them to pass. I kept being kind to myself and reading great blogs and thinking new thoughts that were in line with my values.
And then one day I woke up and I knew that I was completely ok.
I don't think this means I will never actively seek to lose weight again. The habits that led to this weight gain are not particularly conducive to good long-term health , nor are they compatible with endurance sport. But the difference now is that regardless of what happens as a result of my efforts or where I am in the change process, I will not be ashamed. I will never "fail". I will always be good enough, no matter what.
And so will you.
Merry Christmas, darls!

We were in the travel agent yesterday becuase we're GOING TO AMERICA IN TWO WEEKS OH MY GOODNESS HOW EXCITING! The agent has just come back from Disney World so was telling us all about how sensational it is and which rides we NEED to go on (Noddie and I are complete ride-heads so we are MADLY excited). Then she gave us a brochure with a map and photos of the Magic Castle and I thought I won't be running through there and I could have just laid my head down on the desk and howled. But I didn't. And the bright pink (Noddie's) and bright red (mine) suede passport covers (with diamantes!) have arrived and I've worked out how to transform dvd files into avi files so we can watch them on the new teeny laptop. So all is well.
But if ONE MORE PERSON says but you'll be able to do it another year or there are other races or you're still going to America anyway, aren't you?, I'll, I'll just....I'll just hang my head and say, that's true. You're right.
In other news: I have heaved myself off the Couch o' Self-Pity and been doing a bit of cycling out in the fresh air and sunshine. I've really enjoyed it, but every time I go my stupid foot gets horribly painful and takes 2-3 days to settle down again. Bloody upsetting. I've belatedly realised that riding a bike on the road is biomechanically completely different from working out on the bike trainer HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, so it's back to watching other people run while I spin away indoors. This trial-and-error method of rehab is doing my head in. My physio seems to be a great diagnostician but really crap at treatment. He just told me to 'strengthen my core' (umm, HOW?) and 'let pain be your guide' to returning to running. This is NOT as specific a set of decision criteria as I would normally use. He said he doesn't need to see me any more and that it's up to me and the podiatrist from now on. WHAT? I do not feel confident about managing this on my own yet. I worry all the time that what I'm doing is a waste of time, or even making things worse.
But you know what? Now that I've realised that this feeling of not knowing what to do and having no-one to help or guide me is part of the deep sadness of this whole situation, I can start to dig my way out of this pit. I've pinched a core/strength program from the mighty Erin and modified it so I can do it most days. I've been swimming, and my poor bike Minerva is back on the trainer in the study. It doesn't matter if I feel worried or lost. I CAN DO THIS.
Now must be off and start making another Christmas cake because the one I made last week was of such a magnificent melting richness that we have already eaten a fair bit of it.
More anon, yuletiders!

Truthful

Since I saw you last I have completed
3x sessions of stretching/core exercises
1x swim
2x bike rides, although my foot hurts after them which is a worry.
1x 2km walk with no foot pain. 2 whole kilometres. How the mighty fall, eh?
Daily epic battles with don't wanna and maybe later and how did I get so weak so quickly, this is awful why don't I just stop? So far it's LBTEPA 3, bleating 0.
No sense of "I'm baaaack, baby!" as yet, although I live in hope. I've noticed that the nice feeling of permanent slight muscle fatigue has returned. Progress is progress.

I've sort of been feeling as though I should apologise to my five faithful readers for all the bleating of the last few weeks. I do know that it's not really 'serious' or the end of the world that I can't do Goofy. We're going to Disney World and swimming with manatees and looking at volcanoes, for heaven's sake! But the other day I read a Woody Allen quote where he said I don't get angry, I internalise it and grow a tumour and I thought, that's why I have my blog. Sometimes I need to write stuff down to see its shape and to put it in a space outside my head. I like having lots of readers and comments and so on, but if I have to choose between that and writing something I need to write, well sorry darls and do pop by when you're next in town. This is where I practice being kind to myself, so I can do it on the hop out in the real world when I'm failing at being perfect.
Anyway just wanted to say that.
This afternoon is the tri club Christmas barbie. I haven't raced all season of course. I have been really dreading showing up to anything, all lardy and slow as always but without Goofy awesomeness to protect me. I'm still going. Fear is not a reason to pike.

More anon, sweaters!

It wasn't yesterday; it was three days ago. But this time I mean it. I do.
It's so hard though. Much harder than I remember.
I just must keep reminding myself that I've done this before. Climbing over flab and weakness and inertia and doubt is always miserable in the beginning.

I will post on Tuesday with a truthful report.
More anon, scriveners!

Not so bad in the grand scheme of things

SCENE: a physiotherapist's treatment room
LBTEPA: soooo (feigning unconcern)...roughly how long do these things usually take to resolve?
(a pause ensues, during which LBTEPA wishes she hadn't asked)
Physio: well it's one of those how long is a piece of string things, but usually between four and six months. Sometimes a lot longer.
LBTEPA: Oh.

Thinks: Ohhhhh-kaaaay......Right. Jolly good.
Thinks: I. NEED. BUBBLES.
Thinks: I'm sad

SOME TIME LATER:
Thinks: Righto. Time to HTFU and get in the stupid pool.
Thinks: I'm sad

More anon, adventurers!

Yay

Rehab instructions:
- lie on back
- activate core muscles BUT NOT ABS no no noooo that's what people with WEAK cores do
1. raise bent knee slightly x10
2. raise straight leg slightly x10
3. with knees together and both feet on floor, raise buttocks slightly x10
- repeat x 2/daily x 2 weeks
- consciously activate core with every single step you take feel unco-ordinated and tired
- wear flat mary-jane shoes all the time becuase they'll hold your orthotics feel frumpy, also shallow: so many people have far worse problems than missing their pretty shoes
- be constantly aware how unbalanced and painful it still is to walk feel disheartened
- hope to goodness you'll be ok to walk around disneyworld four weeks from now feel worried
- wonder if there's any point booking accommodation for Gold Coast next year feel sad
- pretend you're not bothered. There are Christmas-happy tap-dancing kids and blokes with broken ribs to look after!* Plannning and wrapping and preparing and packing to be done! Insouciance-R-Us! Yay!
- remember that mince pies fix everything

mmmmmm........... mince pies...............

more anon, yuletiders!
*J barrel-rolled his go-kart last Sunday. Can anyone say LUCKY BLOODY ESCAPE? I have asked him to not do it again, or at least wait until I am not watching.

Lost in space

Apart from the rehab exercises, I haven't broken a sweat in, ummm... counts under breath five days. I don't feel like it. I don't even miss it. I feel odd - not bad or unhappy or anything, just a bit numb and lost. As though I'm floating. Ridiculous self-indulgence is all it is. I need a bloody good smack upside of the head. Count your damn blessings and get off your sorry arse, woman!
And another thing - we're going to America in four weeks (!!!!) and I'm not that excited. Mild interest about sums it up. I don't think I actually believe it. Any of it. I really do need a good smack upside of the head.

this arrived in the post on Thursday

I'd forgotten I'd ordered it. I really like it.
What three words would you hang around your neck?

I did it

A salutory tale in which our heroine learns that slackness never goes unpunished.
I went back to the physio last night. He looked at my foot again and got me to stand on one leg (which is quite tricky) and then lie down and raise my leg and then looked at my shoes. Then he told me that my core muscles are so pathetically weak that they have created torsion from my hip all the way down to my toes which is why my foot (and everything else) is buggered. Basically catastrophic overload of poor biomechanics. I now have many difficult exercises to do involving activation of the core muscles independent of the abs. Many people can do this easily, I gather. I hate them all.
This kills me. You see, I've had this problem before, about seven years ago after I had Noddie. I wasn't running so much then so it presented as mostly hip pain. My physio and I worked really hard for ages to sort it all out and make my core strong and active and all that a core should be. Over the years, though, I somehow got into the mindset that it was all fixed so I didn't need to worry about it any more...and I stopped doing my core exercises. This last year it's been all I could do to get the running done, what with the move and uni and J struggling at work and me being sick, let alone cross-training and strength work excuses excuses bleat bleat blah blah blah.
That'll teach me. If you fail to be diligent about things they will sneak up and bite you, and take your Goofy medals.
I've had a good cry about this whole mess and will probably sook some more but the milk is well and truly spilt now and I just have to suck it up. That came out wrong. Eewww.

I've always said that if you can't be a good example then be a dire warning. You're welcome.
More anon.

WWaAD?

I've stopped crying over the fact that I won't be doing the only thing really I wanted to do or bringing home the only souvenir I really wanted from this whole J's Bucket List/Big 5-0 US Dream Trip. These things happen. No-one stole my birthday. I'm still sad. It's ok to be sad when a Big Dream dies. Not to mention having to wear flat shoes All The Time oh the trauma.
When I'd run out of sparkling shiraz and dark chocolate with rum and raisin (it's go hard or go home here at the LBTEPA Emotional Wallowing Centre), I sat on the couch icing my poor sore foot ow ow ow and asked myself a question.
I'm an athlete. It says so in my sidebar.
What Would an Athlete Do?
An athlete wouldn't sit on the couch bleating about her rapidly expanding rear end, that's for sure. There are far more important things to bleat about, like my poor sore foot ow ow ow, boring rehab exercises and my ugly flat shoes oh the trauma. An athlete would HTFU and BE AN ATHLETE.
So I got the F#$% up off the couch, and got the F#$% onto my bike and into the pool.
ROOOAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

More anon, my ducklings

Out.

Sms to the Spousal Unit:
sports physio says sub-talar joint is bad, possible heel spur needs x-ray maybe cortisone, biomechanical problems making things worse. No running min 3 months. Goofy is f#$%ed.
After the appointment I just sat in the car for about 20 minutes. I just couldn't move.
Then I went to the supermarket and bought some chocolate and sprkling shiraz.

Bugger, eh?

More anon.

Sunday seven

1. still icing my poor sore foot every hour or so.Still wearing flat shoes oh the trauma.
2. still not running. The podiatrist said we should wait at least another week before I even try it. After the last attempt a couple of weeks ago, when it was a bit sore at first then settled down then suddenly felt as though I was being STABBED with every step and then hurt like #$%& #$%&ing #$%& for days and days and days, I'm sticking with caution. It still gets more and more painful as the day wears on which is a worry.
3. I'm not sure I really like my new podiatrist. I want someone to tell me if you do x then y will happen, preferably with x = ice and rest for a few more days and y = completely recover and be able to run without worrying about it ever again. That's not his way, apparently; he's more a we'd better take it carefully for another two weeks and then make a decision from there. Boo. At least he's made me some orthotics that actually do something.
4. I feel flabby and weak, and irritable, and hungry, only not really hungry, just irritably hungry. I am putting in some bike trainer time and have been swimming once but it's all so depressing.
5. I've watched a couple of incredible documentaries while I've been sweating in one spot. One was about two young blokes who kayaked from Oz to New Zealand. At the finish, one chap commented that doing amazing things and chasing down big dreams wasn't so much about the doing itself, but about coming home at the end and living a richer life becuase of what you'd done. I love that. The other one was about the Pikes Peak race in the US, which makes Goofy look like a pathetic doddle. Lots of gravity involved there.
6. I'm so sad to hear about Peter Roebuck's death. Nobody's said anything about a cause yet, which usually means that the person found life's path too rocky to struggle along any longer.
7. Sometimes I've got my head around the fact that Goofy is pretty much stuffed, and sometimes I haven't. Le sigh.....

More anon, philosophers!

what, me worry?

Here at the LBTEPA Institute for Behavioural Modification, the cycle of tape-ice-ibuprofen-wear-flat-shoes-feel-sad-worry-about-Goofy-weigh-myself-feel-worse continues. I'm sorry if I'm letting the side down but there you have it. As I bleated to the ever-supportive Spousal Unit yesterday, most of my other marathons have been #$%*ing train wrecks, I don't know why I thought this one would be any different (the Institute includes a Self-Pity Pool for daily wallowing). The Spousal Unit, bless him, said I've always finished my marathons before even with utterly crap preparation, so I shouldn't worry hahahahahahahaha.
But you know what the thing is? The thing is, I expect to get sick in the winter. Totally across that. Over it, but across it. It happens. It's been well over two years since I was injured, though. More than two years, and this rat-bastard plantar fasciitis decides to move in and hang aound now? When I've paid huge amounts of money to fly the family across the world and race 63.3kms over two days, less than 9 weeks from now? I feel very very sad about this, and very scared as well. I wake up at night and try to reframe it or feel hopeful or make some kind of Plan and I can't. I just don't know what to do.
Let us, then, wheel out the boffins and study this scientifically. As my saintly mum would say, what's the worst thing that could happen?
In no particular order:
- my foot isn't better enough to even have a go at the half when the mighty Mary Sunshine has coughed up airfares and race fees to come all the way to Florida from Ohio and run with me.
- I run and get injured and the rest of the holiday is stuffed up for the others.
- I run and can't finish under the cutoff = no bling and huge, huge disappointment.
- everybody I've yapped to for this whole year of planning for my Big Dream why do I talk so much? Why? asks me how it went and I have to tell them I didn't get it done. Because I was injured. And then the sneering, patronising, condescending you're pathetic you're lazy you're not good enough you've let everyone down I knew you couldn't do it demons will eat me.
I need to share something about Big Dreams with you, my five faithful readers. The worst thing about them is that even though you know they're stupid and unimportant in the grand scheme of things, you still work stupidly hard for them and you love them stupidly dearly and the thought of losing them is just too horrid to contemplate.
I. Need. A. Plan.
Thanks to the Spousal Unit, I have one (not "don't worry about it sweety" which while well meant is infuriatingly unhelpful and will get him a dong on the noggin if he keeps it up).
The Plan Is This:
Do everything possible to start the half marathon with the mighty Mary Sunshine! Woot!
If I finish in time and in one piece, decide whether to have a crack at the full.
The flaw in this plan is of course that it only covers Jan 7th and 8th. I might have to occupy myself in the meantime with some freestyle freaking out (is that an Olympic sport?) unless someone has any better ideas. Don't say "get stuck into the chardy" either because I've reformed but am terribly easily led.
More anon, bravehearts!

She will wear them with panache

My awesome new shoes arrived today, and because I can't wear them while I am recovering from plantar fasciitis (and some other awful-sounding ankle/achilles thing that I forget the name of), now properly diagnosed by a real live physio, as opposed to Dr G00gle - who was spot on, btw - which means no running at all except in the pool (bike workouts are ok though) for at least another week and maybe up to three more weeks, I gave them to my Mum because she looked stunning in them.

no running at all for maybe up to three more weeks

It's 63 days until Goofy
What am I going to do?

The lengths to which I will go

Because I am absolutely dedicated to Goofy (=recovering from this stupid sore foot asafp), I wore flat shoes to the races. On Cup Day.
Flat shoes = pants = NO HAT = nowayIcan'tbelieveyoudidthatwowyouaresodedicated
I can't believe it either but I can prove it. Look! More anon, flutterers!