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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Wonderful

The most wonderful thing happened the other day. I woke up one morning and I'd stopped feeling ashamed of my body. Yes! After 30+ years of wrestling with self-shame, self-blame and not good enough, I finally accept my whole self. I cannot believe how nice it is to see my belly in the mirror and not judge myself for it. Harsh thoughts do flit along from time to time, of course, but now I notice them and think, oh yes, I used to buy into that s#$*. I don't struggle with them any more. I just let them be and they get bored and slink off.
It's a strange time for this to happen, being as I'm at my heaviest ever and unfittest for years. But it's good. Being kind to oneself is so restful! It means I can buy a couple of one-size-larger t-shirts for my holiday so I'll look nice and be comfortable, without self-judgement or justification. I look at my slightly-too-small clothes now and feel mildly irritated that my outfit choices are more limited than is completely convenient, rather than diving into the I am such a lazy loser pool and having a good splash.
But how did this happen? you ask, (as well you might). I've been actively challenging my thoughts about size for quite a while, since I realised that nearly every day began with an upended bucket of harsh as I stood on the scales or saw myself as I dressed. This is not how I want to live. Nor is successful weight-control = personal worth an attitude I wish to pass on to my beautiful Noddie.
Initially I was much more successful at changing my thoughts about others than those about myself. I recall my physio commenting that my podiatrist could stand to lose some weight. Could he? I asked. Hadn't you noticed? he said. My reply was, I don't look at people that way - and I was happy to realise that this was true.
I was determined to cultivate a more peaceful and loving way of being. I kept noticing my self-critical, self-hating thoughts and allowing them to pass. I kept being kind to myself and reading great blogs and thinking new thoughts that were in line with my values.
And then one day I woke up and I knew that I was completely ok.
I don't think this means I will never actively seek to lose weight again. The habits that led to this weight gain are not particularly conducive to good long-term health , nor are they compatible with endurance sport. But the difference now is that regardless of what happens as a result of my efforts or where I am in the change process, I will not be ashamed. I will never "fail". I will always be good enough, no matter what.
And so will you.
Merry Christmas, darls!

8 much-appreciated comments:

Anonymous said...

Great to read A ...I always thought you were kinda hot anyway.. ;)

Wobs

Cinders said...

It's a good feeling - I'm not exactly there but the positives far outweigh the negatives.

Have a great Christmas and holiday xx

Anonymous said...

I've just had a clever thought. I think. Do you do the Little black dress?

You see, I have a cocktail frock for every weight I've been as an adult. I currently have a range of three really good cocktail frocks, each a size different.

This one is a designer LBD from when I was a PhD student, and I spent an incredible amount of money on it. (For a PhD student. It was almost as much as two weeks yarn budget for me now.)

I reckon it would be a good fit on you. I've been hanging onto it, because it's a dress that gets Results. And I keep thinking I'll get back into it. Possibly as a hat.

So, if you do the LBD it's yours.
I'm so glad you're feeling good about yourself. My plan is to do healthy behaviours, and my body will do whatever it feels like.

Emma

Anonymous said...

The best thing about your awesome body is that a. produced Noddy, and b. it lets you do whatever you want. I decided this year that my body was utilitarian- it is a jeep- but it gets me around! Great post Al. Sara

Wes said...

so so true. we can always do better, but being happy now? priceless!

Merry Christmas. Thank you so much for the card. I always love getting your mini-news/family related update. It were awesome!

sassydrcil said...

I said, GodDAMN!
It is wonderful that you are finding contentment in yourself.
Big Hug.

jeanne said...

Merry Christmas!! I LOVE this post!! I feel the same way! I just went and bought myself pants on THAT size (that I swore I'd never be again!) bcs I deserve to wear things that fit and to look good! Quelle concepte! Also, threw away the scale last year--it was liberating!!!

jeanne said...

(sorry about the excess !! ) wish I was in Florida w you!!