Context: I started the year thinking my thesis would be about the contribution of catastrophising thought patterns to the functionality of chronic pain sufferers. Then my supervisor offered me a project looking at the functional MRIs of the urge to cough. Cool! thought I, and started reading and writing and popping into the lab.
Cut to last Friday: my lab supervisor realised that I have a job and can’t actually devote every waking moment to the project. Comment: I’m a mature-age, part-time student, and a parent, and neither supervisor thought to ask how much time I have available?
Cut to this morning: after a complete WOFTAM* discussion during which what has been blatantly obvious since last week was thrashed to death for the sake of the lab supervisor’s feelings, I have no thesis topic. Comment: heck, it’s only six weeks into term. No worries! Hahahahaha!
~ short pause whilst LBTEPA regains a grip~
My uni supervisor and I meet tomorrow to work out a new project. It’s a Very Good Thing I am quite bright and extremely hard-working, isn’t it?
Insight: on the way to work from this meeting I was seized by the strong urge to self-medicate with a long black and some lemon-curd tart (mmmmm lemon curd tart….) But then I thought about the feeling I was trying to hide from. It wasn’t anger or despair or hopelessness, but sadness from the fact that I had to make a choice which precluded other choices.
You see, the cough project would have been the chance of a lifetime if I wanted to pursue a career in research. And as cool and fascinating and flattering to my self-esteem as that would be, I don’t. My long-term plan is to qualify as a clinical psychologist and move to the country. My priorities are my family, my studies, my health and my work, in that order. That’s how I organise my life. It would be wrong to spend every waking moment for a year in the lab (even if I wanted to) when Noddie is only three years old and J keeps getting promoted at work and needs my support. So it is the chance of a lifetime, but someone else’s lifetime. That kind of sadness – regret? - isn’t painful enough to need to be flattened with even the yummiest looking lemon-curd tart (mmmmm lemon curd tart...).
So I had a very nice soy latte instead, and bought a cool vintage shirt for $5 which has been complimented by every single person in our fashionista-laden department.
And tonight I will take my creaky shins and knees out for their first run in ten days. Scary, but I'm game.
More anon, strivers
*Waste of F#$%ing Time And Money
10 comments:
I just found your blog and I love it! We run very similar times. Hope your run goes well and good luck with the thesis topic.
MMmmm...sounds very similar to what my sister went through trying to do her honours project. I am sure that everything will pan out just as you planned it :)
If it's any consolation, I can relate to the whole family/study/work battle. I want my study to be a priority, but somehow it comes a very distant second to family. I berated myself for a long time that it meant I was a poor student, until I realised that I was actually a caring family member (and THEN a poor student - lol!).
There is nothing wrong with family as priority number one!!! (Although now running seems to be taking over. Hmmmmm.......)
I'm sorry to hear about your thesis project.... it did sound very cool! But then so did the first topic.
Well done for avoiding the tart (lemon curd or otherwise! hahaha)
May I be the first to request photos of the uber cool shirt?!
Good luck with the thesis meeting tomorrow...I know what a b*tch it can be sorting these out (I withdrew from psych honours last year for similar reasons and have friends tearing their hair out about it at the mo). Don't despair what slips from your grasp because there's always something else around the corner.
Annie :-)
If your priorities are clear, your path is clear. No regrets! Hope your run went well, creaky knees and all!
COngratulations, that is PRECISELY that sort of self-analysis and thinking we all need to do more of. I'm sad for the short-term, but you are focussed on the long term, and working towards those wonderful goals.
Really well done!
(Ummmm, lemon curd, ummm, my Mom makes it from scratch, and serves it with warm ginger muffins. Hmmmmmm :-)).
being mature-age is difficult. i miss being young and dumb with no responsibilities.
teach noddie to touch type and then she can write your papers as you dictate them.
I learn something from you every time you post. It's so easy to reach for the food (we don't do lemon-curd tarts here in the US of A, but we should!). That was some great self-analysis you did, something I need to do more of. You are so honest with yourself.
Now, may i just say for the record that anytime you want, i am here for you, at the ready, waiting to cough.
ahem.
:)
Now THAT's what I call prioritisation. Good on you for beating that Tart into submission.
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