Brainy

The physio attending LBTEPA shall henceforth be known as Bhaumic the Brainy, for that is in fact his name, and he doth, in fact, clearly have a supply of the good oil and for a reasonable fee has shared it with our heroine, to excellent effect. LBTEPA's leisure time has of late been consumed with the activities pictured above (as you can see some of the photos of me turned out more flattering than others). AND - get this, no really - THEY'RE WORKING! The other day I was at the physio and detected an expression on his face with which I was unfamiliar. Being ever intent on the pursuit of information, I quizzed him on this. 'I'm really happy with what I'm seeing' he said.
I nearly burst into tears. Much better than my usual bursting into tears in the car after the physio because nothing ever bloody works and it's all taking so bloody long.
THERE IS actual real fair dinkum no joke no fear of contradiction PROGRESS!! My knees are starting to track properly, my arches are lifting, my feet don't hurt and I am actually really going to get out of this everlasting hellhole of broken one day soon. Allowed: uphill on the treadmill, seated weights, water running, cycling. Not allowed: every other bloody thing that's fun (although I am sneaking in some heels, a girl needs something to live for, no?), but NEVER MIND!

More anon, happy clappers!

little things

I'm trying little changes at the moment. Getting up a bit earlier, eating different things for lunch. I'm just overcome by a sense of can't be bothered, which may have arisen from trying very hard for ages with nothing happening, perhaps? This cbb is a very pleasant feeling, which means it is DANGEROUS DANGEROUS DANGEROUS. Must. reconnect. with. DISCIPLINE. The physio hasn't given me permission to do anything amusing yet but I really should drink a nice big mug of give-a-rat's-backside and actually do what's on the list instead of getting distracted with how nice the new-mown grass smells and how comfy the swing seat is and how funny my new book is and I do have washing to hang out....
Off to the gym now before I get too used to this sloth. Mmmmmm...sloth.....nice.....

 More anon, summertimers!

Chunking

Firstly, if you are from Southern Oz I hope you've got through this terrible heat wave ok and that you and your loved ones are not threatened by these awful fires
The lovely Lisa has given the LBTEPA Department of Philosphy and Hard Thinking much about which to cogitate. To whit: I was startled by the thought that I need to forgive my ex-friend. Lisa is of course, correct (as always!); if someone lies to you for a long period of time with the intent of deceiving you, that's wrong, yes? And hurtful. I think I have forgiven her for that. It's made me see her in a completely different way, though. I don't want her in my life and I mourn our dead friendship. I don't see any need to forgive her for doing Goofy though - I've said all along that she had every right to do exactly as she  pleased. If I don't judge her actions as wrong then there's nothing to forgive (?). I'm thinking hard about forgiveness, anger and hurt though; can they co-exist? Can you have forgiven someone when the thought of his or her behaviour still provokes flashes of fury or pain? I think so. What do you think?
Another thing I found out is that some people process painful episodes by talking about them and other people process them by not talking about them; when the latter encounter the former they get irritable and accuse them of 'going on and on about things', whereupon the former feel unheard and judged and try to explain themselves again to the latter, often increasingly angrily. A row is likely to ensue at this point.
But I digress.
Lisa also suggested that I find small goals to celebrate on my return journey to health and strength. Hmmm. The LBTEPA School of Quantum Mechanics has put its finest minds to work and produced a list of the smallest possible components that I can tick off in the name of Getting Somewhere At Long Bloody Last. It's in the sidebar ---------------------------------------------->
Can't get much more chunky than that.

Looking at it upset me at first 'cause it does rub my nose in how debilitated I currently am -and I am so sick of being so restricted, so very very very sick of it - but I got over it. Cheerful and disciplined, that's me.
 More anon, rocky roaders!

What I learned from Goofy

It's taken a little while to get balanced again after lacking the discipline to refrain from checking the Goofy 2014 results - yes, my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend did finish, of course she did. She always gets everything she goes after.
I was ***ing shattered. Could barely stop crying. It took me right back to that weekend, limping around Disney World, trying to enjoy it and not ruin the fam's holiday. It took me back to when I found out how my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend had stabbed me in the back and all the intimacy and trust and sharing we'd had in our friendship over (at least) the last year had been a big fat lie.It took me back to people looking at me  in that what a stupid thing to be upset about way, and other people smirking and saying 'really, it's quite funny' when it bloody isn't and never will be.
But I've moved past that frightening, sad, missed-a-step phase now. I'm still absolutely filthy, and appear likely to remain so but I'm stepping back and looking at things.
So here's what I learned from Goofy.
Sadness lasts a long time and can pop up and ambush you
You miss your past strong healthy self like you miss a loved one
Manning up and holding it together is very good discipline but sometimes it makes people thinking you're not hurting as much as you actually are.
Losing a huge dream makes you very afraid to have other dreams or even move very far from the absolute present.
I'm scared of curbs
Some of your friends are selfish lying ****ing *****es and there's nothing you can do about that.
It's a very long way and costs a great deal of money to travel to Disney World. I still ant to do Goofy. I want those medals! But I can't see justifying it financially - and I can't see any linear connection between where I am now and being able to run any meaningful distance either. All I can do is pretend, in as cheerful, disciplined and mindful a way as possible (although I confess there have been some monumental failures with regard to the first two this week), and do what the physio says. Activate the core! Swimming's been taken off the table, btw. Boo. We're staying in a block of flats in Brisbane (did I tell you we're on holiday in Brisbane this week? Brisbane's fab!) so, in the absence of a treadmill on which to walk (only while adjusted to the highest incline though) I have been climbing the 10 floors of stairs each day.Go me!
I have to get out of this fearful place. I have to start looking ahead without flinching. But how? Any thoughts?
What big dreams are you chasing?

Cheerful, disciplined and mindful

As my five faithful readers know, LBTEPA Inc. does like to have something to focus on - 'you say I'm goal-oriented like it's a bad thing' didn't come out of nowhere!
If you'd care to glance to your right you will see that the focus words for the year have changed from 'work hard' to 'cheerful, disciplined and mindful'.
Last year, let's face it, was a bit of a slog athletically (as the LBTEPA Institute of Spin-Doctors has kindly put it - most would have called it a wretched, self-pitying, lard-stacking wallow in disaster), but This Year Will Be Different. Even if it isn't, if you see what I mean.
I'll give you an example: gosh my knees have been hurting like absolute **** lately - is it Another Bloody Injury, Becuase I'm So Fat or part of the Everlasting Rubik's Rehab? Who knows, but I'm hoping to find out on Thursday when I see the physio again - but rather than freaking out/plunging into despair/smothering my feelings with carbs and chardy (BTW did you know there's a French tennis player called Chardy? How fab!) I am following LBTEPA's Way of 2014. I'm being cheerful about it, when possible. I'm being as disciplined as possible with my eating, drinking and workouts - but from a mindful perspective. Oh for ****'s sake LBTEPA, I hear you say, don't go all 0pr@h on us - what's this mindfulness malarky? Mindfulness is deciding what I need right now. Most of the time, discipline will say I need to practice getting up early again and keeping commitments to work out with others instead of chickening out, but sometimes mindfulness will point out that I need to sleep a bit longer or that the long hilly ride the girls have planned is too much when I've only recently been released from 2 years chained to the physio's couch and will only result k's and k's of uphill trudging and days of horribly sore knees. Or it should have *slaps forehead while scoffing ibuprofen*. Clearly I have to practice this.
It's a kind approach, which works better for me than self-flagellation, and I think it'll work better for learning new habits.
The LBTEPA Institute for Behavioural Modification has also belatedly come to realise that 'sort yourself out you fat cow' has not been an effective motivator *slaps forehead again*. The new guiding principle for behavioural decisions (such as it's 8.40 and Noddie has been arking up and I'm tired, will I go out on my bike anyway?) is will this get me closer to another marathon? (answer: yes! And I had such a good time too!)
Waddya reckon? I like it!
This post has taken ages. I think I'm falling into the trap of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, so here goes, and onward into 2014!
What's your focus for the year?

More anon, twinkletoes!

New year's resolution

 Much thought has gone into the way LBTEPA Inc will approach 2014 but the Spousal Unit has taken home Noddie's little friend for me so I can squeeze in a visit to the pool, so I am out the door now
More anon, cherubs!

Happiness is when your kid lets you sleep past 6.30 on Christmas day

MERRY CHRISTMAS :)

Breathing in, breathing out

This has been a big two weeks - Noddie's dance concert  week (final classes, photo shoot, stop-start and dress rehearsals and two performances) was followed in tragically rapid succession by the passing away of the Spousal Unit's mother in the early hours of Monday morning. It was very peaceful and gentle, the best way you could ask for I suppose.Since then there has been the organisation of two services 350km apart; one for the family at the country cemetery where my mother-in-law wanted to be interred, and one back here. We're full up the wazoo with restaurant food, church-lady pointy sandwiches and slice and I never want to hear K.D. Lang's 'hallelujia' ever again. Thank goodness I am uber-prepared for Christmas and have an admin assistant I could ring up at 7am on Monday to ring all my clients and cancel their appointments (thanks Mum!). J is still in shock, his dad is shattered and Noddie is so sad it's just heartbreaking. I've been shoving whatever's at hand into my mouth just to keep moving and there has been no exercise whatsoever. I'm not weighing myself for at least a week, and after I finish this I'm not getting off the couch for several days.
I did attend my physio appointment this week and in a much-needed ray of sunshine, we think we have identified The Problem at last. Apparently when most people activate their abs, both their upper and lower abs join in. Not mine, it seems. They just sit peering about vaguely, saying 'huh?' when requested to do their bit. Well, not any more. The lazy little bastards are about to get the shock of their lives when I pummel them with the new exercises the physio gave me. Bwahahaha! And I'm allowed to swim again - not freestyle yet, just breaststroke and backstroke but I'm not whingeing no no no noooo. Also allowed to cycle again as often and as far as I like.
Edit: I have just been to the pool; I got tired alarmingly early but it was lovely anyway.
More anon, plodders-on

best words ever spoken

"It always seems impossible until it's done." - Nelson Mandela

11/12/13

had to head this with the date bc it's so fun to write!... and there isn't much else going on. Operation 'completely rebuild my gait so my knees track properly' grinds its interminable way on. I'm almost numb to thoughts of one day being able to do something fun like swimming or running. One day I will get fit again. I will. I just have to keep doing the stupid boring upsetting painful exercises important basic stuff now, over and over and over, whether or not it makes me sad becuase it's so obvious how very very far I have to go. That will get me there.Still, summer is here and so is Christmas, my tree is up, the house is full of tinsel, the cards have been posted and it's Noddie's dance concert on the weekend which has become good fun now I'm not so terrified of the backstage mums.

more anon, tinselators!

No no no

abs didn't activate - I made them activate
glutes didn't activate - I'm making them activate
no walking, no swimming - I don't walk or swim
nearly drown in anger and shame and sadness - I work out how to reframe it and be ok
went to the gym the other night and was all excited becuase I got to do some cool stuff on the bosu ball, which was hard and required concentrating like a mofo. I had fun. I felt good! (not happening so much lately so I hung onto it all day).
went to the physio today - glutes still not activating, and my knees turn in! I knew that, but I thought it was just how they were - apparently it's functional, not structural. I have to undo 45 years of wonky-kneed bipedalling. Somehow.
no swimming
no elliptical
no bosu ball

short rides only
as for running hahahahahahahahahahaha

[swear word]

Motto for the week

aka boo and hiss to my stupid tiresome uncooperative painful glutes/hips/core. I will  bully them into responding to the stupid boring exercises that I never miss. I will be allowed to swim soon. I will. And then I will RUN. I WILL.

And on a MUCH MORE IMPORTANT  NOTE....
are we all getting up early on Sunday/staying up late on Saturday to watch the Dr Who 50th anniversary special? Of course we are.

  

oh come now, we all want to be River Song

 More anon, sonic screwdrivers!

Captain Obvious

Much cogitation has occurred within the LBTEPA noggin of late.
I have come to the conclusion that speaking to my former friend about her decisions would be pointless. She can do what she wants and I am not judging her. I don't choose to have people like her in my life. Noddie, being ten, is all for telling her to drop dead and that I hope those medals are worth 15 years of friendship, but the only reason I would do that would be so she felt terribly guilty and didn't enjoy her experience. Revenge, if you will. Not my best self, so not happening (although I did have a very vivid dream in which I gave her absolute what-for and awoke feeling very satisfied). Mind you if she pushes the issue I promise nothing.
I caught up with the mighty Emma on the weekend - always a pleasure! - and we discussed what we would do if we had the urge to do a race the other had dreamed of but had been unable to do. I said at the time that I'd discuss it, ask permission almost - but I was wrong! If, for example, I decided all of a sudden that I wanted to have a crack at Coast to Kosi, Emma's dream race (she's insane), I wouldn't discuss it with her before entering it. I wouldn't do it. It's her dream, not mine, and I wouldn't rub her nose in the fact she couldn't have it. Why? Because she's my friend.
I suppose the way I've summed it up for myself is that my former friend can have anything she wants but not everything she wants.
Now enough about that.
I've come to the belated conclusion that I have been going about this while new exercise/food/drink regime to wrong way. For the first while I was focussed on 'shoulds' - I should have done this, shouldn't have done that etc. This is wrong, I can't do it, it's too hard. I was feeling sick about going to the gym, I wasn't  enjoying my food, I felt guilty all the time. I was often nearly in tears. I was drowning in failure. It was unpleasant.
Then somehow I managed to see it another way. I think it began the week I logged my planned and actual exercise - and five out of seven didn't work out, for reasons including I chose spending time with my family over the gym, my mother-in-law's nursing care was unacceptable so I had to storm up to the hospital and Sort It Out, I wanted to keep going and finish a craft project I've been mucking around on fifteen minutes at a time for months, and choosing to work late so I could have a full day off instead of spending Friday in the office. One of the workouts didn't happen at all (shame! shame!), but on the other days I did something else. I wasn't a failure at all! I was only calling myself that! (slaps forehead, says 'duh!'). It's not as though I'm training for anything in particular - anthing si enough, for the moment! Duh!
I had another 'duh!' moment this week. As my five faithful readers know, LBTEPA is partial to a sherby. I know it's the reason I've gained so much weight, but somehow not-getting-any-fatter wasn't a good enough reason to not indulge. Being lardy with no clothes that fit just made me sadder and want another drink! I know, I know.... lame lame lame. My weight is, however, a clear factor in the slowness of my rehab, and the other day it occurred to me that every day without alcohol is a day closer to racing again. OMG! See? Duh! Uber-duh!I don't know how long it will work, but I plan to ride that rattler as far as it goes.
More anon, hobos!

10

November 18th 2003

How blessed and lucky we are :)
Happy birthday Noddie!

quick question

Oh my but I have SUCH  lot to write - so many (ahem) 'profound' thoughts to record for posterity!
But today I have a question for you, my five faithful readers.
Just suppose you were a heavyish middle-aged-ish Very Slow Marathoner who had A Big (and very expensive) Dream of running an amazing race in a Magic Kingdom on the other side of the world. Suppose you worked hard and saved up and trained and dreamed of little else for a couple of years. And just suppose fate cruelly snatched that Big Dream from you by way of a last-minute injury, while still obliging you to travel across the world and keep a stiff upper lip while your nose was rubbed in what you couldn't have.Suppose you did this with as good grace and as much gratitude as you could muster, becuase life isn't all about you, and returned home, and got on with life, and then had another injury, one that sometimes seemed endless. Sometimes you wondered if you would ever get your athletic life back again, ever. And always, always, you got on with stoically mourning that Big expensive Dream on the other side of the world.
Then suppose you had travelled several hours to celebrate the birthday of a someone who you would have considered one of your dearest, closest, have-your-back-no-matter-what friends, with whom you have shared many trials and tribulations over these fifteen years and to whom you speak regularly. During conversation at this dinner party it came up that she herself was going across the world to run at the magic kingdom next January. Seven weeks from now she will be wearing those three medals that you so longed for. 
She'd never heard of the race until you told her about it.
It sold out in August  and she has only mentioned it to you yesterday becuase someone else made a comment.
She's extremely well off and could afford to do any race on the ****ing planet if she wanted to.
She's done two half marathons and one full to date.
Now suppose that some time over the next frozen day you decide that, whilst acknowledging unreservedly that she has every right to go wherever she pleases, you don't need people like that in your life.
Question: do you tell her you never want to see or hear from her again and she sure as F*** better not wear her Team SD shirt to run Goofy, or just very determinedly and politely (for that is the LBTEPA way) let the friendship go?
The vote here at chez LBTEPA is tied. I'm torn, but leaning toward the latter approach. You?

More anon, cogitators!

The penny drops

Team LBTEPA had a brilliant time in Sydney.

 It is impossible to stop looking at the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge. Stunning.

  

 285m up? Makes for a better view!

I *heart* Manly Beach!
Since returning from Sin City your heroine has ventured into other unknown territory, to whit: the colourist's chair at the hair salon! You may henceforth refer to me as Bluey

I'm not used to it yet and still a bit iffy about what it does to my skin tone, but everyone else likes it.
Which leads me to the very loud 'clunk' you may have heard from these parts recently.
It's just sunk in (don't ask why - okIoveratelastweekandthe2kgIlaboriouslyshedhavemadetheirwaybackonindoublequicktimebastards) that I will have to think about everything I eat. All. The Time.
Which means no more winging it - gotta plan, gotta shop, gotta think days in advance about who's home and how many of us there'll be and what we'll be doing and how much cooking time I'll have...ewwww. Tiring and boring even to think about. I'm hoping desperately assuming this feeling will pass, and I'll become happily fascinated by food? Anyone else experienced that?
It also means paying attention to my feelings. All. The Time. No banishing anger and how'mIgunnagetallthisdone panic and weariness and soreness with sugar and carbs. Ewwww.
But you know what? I was reading a blogthe other day and suddenly, bugger the penny, the fifty cent piece - no, the doubloon! - hit the floor with a clang so mighty it woke the dogs.
LBTEPA OWNS HER STUFF.
I OWN THIS SITUATION. It doesn't own me.
Get me a hot steaming mug of HTFU and my food diary.

 more anon, Pepys!

Heading North

what with the Man Of The House away in Melbourne with his parents it's been a matter of squeezing in workouts where I can - two hours between clients is enough time to finish notes, eat, get to the pool, run on the spot at the deep end for half an hour SO FUN. NOT, and return my appearance to the understated elegance so important in my work hahahaha but really, smelling of chlorine simply wouldn't be the thing. I called in my last babysitting markers with Mum (and promised her Foxtel when she gets to the nursing home) so I could hit the gym tonight. I began my session with a consummate demonstration of Rowing Machine Epic Fail, 44 seconds slower than on Sunday for the same distance and RPE (Rate of Perceived Effort - it's all jargon all the time at the gym you know, must fit in!). SO FUN. NOT. But then there were nice clanky machines to heave around and really not that many mirrors. And the music's not bad. I like to keep up with what the kiddies are listening to.
Unfolded washing situation is becoming dire. J's half of the bed is completely covered!  I'll have to set the alarm early tomorrow so we have things to pack for Sydney! I've never been there (don't faint) and am looking forward to it very much despite the craziness it's taking to get there.

More anon, fast talkers!

Yay for everyone!

It's two years since my last race - Melbourne marathon day!  Yay to all my friends rebuilding their running lives! And yay to the bloke from our tri club who came 58th overall at Kona today! Yay!
J is in Melbourne with his Dad because his mum is in hospital there. It's all a bit of a worry. I'm here at home having spent a very unpleasant spell in front of the mirrors at the gym. Yeah yeah yeah the truth hurts etc etc. But I did surprise the hot young personal trainer with my rowing machine awesomeness, so that's something. He said we might need to count calories to get the results I want, and I said if that's what it took I'd change what I want. I keep a food diary and I'll adhere to the dietary guidelines he has given me, but my head is just about exploding with all the other **** going on in my life at the 'mo; putting a numeric value on my food is not only against my principles but Just Too F***ing Much right now. I feel so overwhelmed that if I didn't have to fold a cubic metre of washing, kid-wrangle and get the place sorted for the work week and (possibly; see 'sick m-i-l', above) a trip to Sydney next weekend, I'd crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. Don't say ' so just don't fold it' - we were in such a hurry yesterday to get out the door to drive 2 hours to get J his gear so he could go to Melbourne with his parents that we just pulled the washing off the line and dumped it all on the bed.
*Update: I pushed it into baskets on the floor. It can wait.
But I digress.
My goals for the next few months
- do a chin-up
- the Big Bay Swim
- to not have to buy any more work pants in my current (bigger) size. I have a drawer full of hardly-worn dacks!
- get my shoulders flexible enough to join my hands behind my back better than this bloke can

How was your weekend of awesomeness, comrades?

Stuff that shouldn't have upset me but sort of did

At the personal training intro session on Sunday I found out lots of new stuff.
I weigh 92 kg on the gym scales
My upper arms are too big for the gym blood pressure machine. They had to get the medical one out of a special bag in a cupboard.
My blood pressure is 135/85 (about 10 points higher on both systolic and diastolic than last time it was checked)
I seem to have shrunk by 3cm since I was 18
My biological age is apparently 61
I can stop myself from crying in public if I have to.
I drink too much tea. I didn't even know that was possible.
Almonds will probably work better for me as a snack than cashews do.
My trainer wants me to count calories. I am not going to. Food is not numbers.
I can only manage 2 minutes at a time on the elliptical, but if I rest for 30 seconds I can do it again nine more times. 
Still, as the wonderful Lisa points out, "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."  (Arthur Ashe)
This all seems very daunting and overwhelming to me, but feelings are not actions. My actions will be about conquering this mountain of unhelpful habits and bodily weakness.
What's the biggest mountain you've ever climbed?

More anon, karabiners!

More anon,

ODTAA

In the interests of not being All Whingeing All the Time I refrained in my last post from mentioning that I took a misstep on Tuesday morning and my back has been giving me absolute curry ever since. It hurts to walk, it hurts to roll over in bed, it hurts to move suddenly, and it hurt like **** to sit for four hours in a bus on our long-planned school holiday trip to Melbourne and walk around Sovereign Hill and the aquarium for two days. Thankyou anti-inflammatories is all I'm saying. The physio said it was all related to the Wobbly Pelvis of Doom, OF COURSE. Prescription: stupid exercises, stretching, and a good dose of HTFU. I'll start my personal training on Sunday as planned, only about 1000000000000 steps further back than I hoped.
But still, worse things happen at sea.

 

More anon, me hearties!

Spoke too soon

So your heroine trotted off to the physio to get some advice about the dodgy achilles so the personal training could all go smoothly and appropriately and she could aim for her goals in a sensible and medically appropriate manner.
You know this is going to end badly, don't you? *cue sinister Jaws-type cello music*
He was very thorough. Damn him (only not really). Tight calves, tight lower back - nothing escaped his eagle eye. Nothing. Especially not the (sing it with me, kids!) horribly unstable pelvis! Yes! Again!
So.
The Plan Is This
Many many reps of stupid tiresome lame-arse what sort of loser can't do that tremendously helpful leg-wiggling exercises designed to finally properly stabilise the Wobbly Core of Doom.
Pool running! Yay! Not.
Rowing machine and cycling! Yay! Really.
No walking or standing (gunna be great fun at the Zoo with Noddie tomorrow. That's what drugs are for)
No running. Well der.
No swimming. There goes my ****ing awesome goal that I was so happy about. ****.
Another day, another setback, eh?
But if there's anything at which LBTEPA excels, it's having a big sook and then getting through setbacks. Bring. It. On.

More anon, big-bang theorists!

The Short Version

I've had about 5 goes at writing this post but I keep getting all show-offy with aren't-I-clever writing and then run out of time and then it's 2 days later and everything's different. So here goes: speed-blogging!

I ummed and errr-ed about a personal trainer.
I went to the gym and to the pool a few times. Nothing bad happened. I have started to feel stronger and more energetic. I like this.
I still can't run. 10 steps on the treadmill and my achilles carries on like a ratty toddler . This is messing with my head. I dreamed I had to have surgery on it nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
but I digress
When J was away for work or working late I sweated it up on the exercise bike and did my core workouts at home (I'm up to Kona 2001 !).
I got a quote to have a cleaner for two hours a week, and decided I could go to the Cook Islands for a week for that kind of money so I'd do it myself*.
I was very ambivalent about this personal trainer thing.
I should be motivated enough to do it myself. What if they're sorry for me or think I'm a whinger? I sound like a whinger to myself! What if it IS too hard to get fit again? What if I can't do it? What if I FAIL?It's a lot of money (not as much as that cleaner though, sheesh!). Is it being a big la-la to want a middle aged lady trainer so there's no possibility of being judged or condescended to by the young hot bloke PT?
On Sunday I put on my togs and packed my pull buoy and towel and goggles and a big heavy pile of ambivalence into my gym bag and headed off. If this young hot bloke PT is on duty at the gym after I've done my laps, I said to myself, I'll talk to him. That way I've talked to all of them. I don't have to make up my mind today.
So I did my laps.
He was on duty.
I start on Sunday!
I'm all excited! I'm a bit nervous and extremely ambivalent (see above; also he's "very strong on nutrition" which could be (ahem) 'a challenge'), but I'm excited! I even have a goal!

More anon, sweaters!

*We ARE going to Cook Islands for a week, in March! Whee!

lemme 'splain

no - ees too much. Lemme sum up.

I am very much aware and grateful that overall I have an awesome life. I am lucky. I am capable and determined and well-resourced. My blog is where I put all the bleaty shit that I need to stop swirling around my head and dragging me down so I can force myself to put on my togs and go to the pool or get out the door for yet another aborted run or stand in front of those bastard mirrors at the gym or line up the 2000 Kona replay and hop on the stupid boring go-nowhere but it'll-have-to-do-when-J-is-working-late bike.
I'm REALLY SAD about how unfit I am and how heavy I am and how all of that plus the ankle reco and the niggly shoulder from the crutches and the painful achilles and the b**** who switched my body-shame up several notches adds up to making rebuilding my fitness a bloody big job, and not one that be approached with have-at-it balls-to-the-wall gung-ho derring-do. Guts and glory won't work here. I have be patient. Take my time. Slow slow slow. Sucking it up. Always sucking it up. Seeing myself in photos and not cringeing. Walking around Melbourne and not going into shoe shops or running shops and squashing the that-used-to-be-me sadness when I see all the runners - and Melbourne is a great place to run; there are runners everywhere. Trying to not feel like a complete failure for some stretches, a few pushups and some core work at 8.45 pm becuase that's all I can bring myself to do after all the day's stuff is done. Sucking up the sadness and shame and doing it. Smiling and staying in touch with my good generous happy-for-you self when everyone else is celebrating their running groups and their 10ks and their tris. Sucking it up when the task seems so very big and feeling good again seems so very far away.
I have thought of a personal trainer, but I need someone who understands very very slow rehab of an overweight (obese if you ask the always accurate and helpful BMI) middle aged endurance athlete. I don't know whether there's anyone around here like that. I need a miracle man* who won't rush me 'cause you know,  you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. I'll go to the gym and ask today though. You never know.
I know what to do.
I'm not going to give up.
I will feel strong and fit again one day. If it's medically possible I will run another marathon or several and swim long distances and do triathlons.
I am sucking it up even though the task seems so very big and feeling good again seems so very far away. Almost inconceivable

My name is LBTEPA   you killed my father. prepare to die and I am fat and middle-aged and injured and I am not ever giving up.
More anon, swordsmen!
*or woman

keeping on

even my stretches and core work and a few pushups are better than nothing

Rubik's rehab

is what you call it when everything is so weak and unbalanced that overdoing one thing a teeny bit creates problems elsewhere, to whit: I have a sore achilles tendon. Bugger. Dr G00gle has told me to rest and NSAID like it's my job so  running is off the schedule again. *pout* Still, there's always y0utube: an absolute angel of a person has uploaded every single Kona Ironman special since 1992! Awful hair, high-cut togs and riding through T1, and of course the Ironwar - me and my exercise bike are So There!
Noddie and I are back to the Big Smoke to see her dermatologist at the Children's Hospital on Friday, as the side effects of her psoriasis medication are unacceptable. We'd already planned to see Bang Crash Tap on Saturday so we are just staying up another night. The Zoo, St Kilda Beach, the theatre andpossiblysomeshoppingIadmitnothing Here We Come!!

Gastro

Another one for the ODTAA* files. Bleh
*One Damn Thing After Another 
More anon, acronymers!

4.35

why, you ask, is our heroine blogging at 4.35 a.m? It's becuase I can't sleep. And why is that, you ask? What a lot of sticky beaks you are! LBTEPA is currently not running amok in the land of nod (as opposed to running amok in the Land of Noddie as I usually do hahahah I am so funny) becuase the steroids she is taking for the newly-formed polyps in the Sinuses of Doom only work as painkillers for the first two or three days, after which their function appears to be to cure encephalitis lethargica, in the wee small hours at least, and make your face all red.  I am using a radical state-of-the-art treatment (involving more [disgusting details omitted] than my five faithful readers need to know about) to dissolve the polyps so I shouldn't have to have more surgery but it's early days yet blah blah bleat bleat.

The LBTEPA Department of pre-dawn musings is also running hot becuase I have decided to post more often and I have been getting caught in the it's a bit antisocial to spend so much time in the study when J likes to watch tv together in the evenings thought-that-doesn't-really-make-proper-sense (mind you last night we watched Arrow, a fascinating exploration of moral grey areas (ahem).

The way to be who you want to be is do what that sort of person would do, so I am Using My Time Wisely, blogging and drinking hot milk and honey rather than lying awake with a headache, hot in the face and furious about the election.
Last week I trundled off the the Big Smoke to meet with the sinus surgeon (boo!), and also the ankle surgeon, who never wants to see me again! Yay! Yes, five months post surgery,  All Is Well with the LBTEPA ankle. It'll be weak-ish and swollen for another few months and of course my rebuilding into the Amazon we all knew and loved must be patient and take into account the extra weight I'm carrying blah blah blah yay yay yay I'm all better!!!!!!! And how good is running??And riding your bike? And swimming?!!! I. Love. It. All! But I digress.
Whilst in Melbourne I was lucky enough to dine with the lovely Cilla, which was a hoot. We spoke of deep things and ate fashionable food at a groovy restaurant by the river. I used to go there Back In the Day (I did have a day, really), only it's moved (confusing!) and is kind of ironically we-dare-you-to-say-we're-not-the-same groovy now, which I found hilarious. That could also have been the wine. I admit nothing. I played hooky got the later train back on Friday arvo so I had time to buy some shorts that fit me right now (see: extra weight, also: live in country town = B1g W is exciting that's so sad) before sashaying artistically along to soak up the Australian Impressionists in France. Ankle all better, new shorts and all cultured up - what could be nicer?
It's about time for the stupid wattlebird that sits in the tree outside our window to start its first-light squawking (its other name is the STFU bird) so I think I'll go back to bed now. I have a quiet day at work and I plan to talk the boss into letting me have a swim (she's strict but I can usually get around her :P)
More anon, sleeping beauties

Enough about THAT

LBTEPA's five faithful readers will be pleased to learn that she has officially Let It Go. Mind you if I see that old besom when I'm out and there's a handy semi roaring by it could well be a different story. People shouldn't be gratuitously nasty, but I have gained 15 kg which does put me into the fat category, no denying it. These things happen. So if people see 'fat', that's accurate. If they see 'fabulous and beautifully dressed' or 'brave and determined' as well, then they're paying proper attention and good for them. And if they don't, f*** 'em.

Oh my friends, so many cool things have happened since last I posted! now that I am allowed up and down ladders again (yayyayyay!) the last outpost of soul-sucking donkey beige has finally been banished from my house.

Noddie went to Book Week as Cleopatra, becuase I reckon the window of opportunity to muck around with crushed velvet and rickrack is closing fast so I'm going to make the most of it

My physio has told me that it's over between us!! WOOT!!! Yes, I have been sent out alone into the cold cold snow (as it were), aka I'm better enough to be let loose without supervision. WOOTWOOTWOOT!!! Of course I must be patient and cautious blahblahblah but I can pretty much do what I want now, which means no more deep water running ever ever EVER.
I'm either swimming, riding or running five or six times a week - I feel almost like a real athlete again! Such A Great Feeling. My current favourite quote:

'training is like fighting a gorilla. You don't stop when YOU"RE tired. You stop when the GORILLA is tired'

Since I've been 'signed off' medically I've been able to walk Noddie to school again, which is not only a really nice mum-kid time but another 8-10km a week on the legs.  My fave 'new' motivational strategy is probably so blindingly obvious that you clever chaps out in the interwebs do it without even thinking about it, but I will share it anyway: put the gear on early! If I plan to go swimming after I walk Noddie to school, then I'll wear my togs and some fleecies for the walk. If I plan to run before lunch on Sunday, then as soon as I get home from church I'll strap myself into the sports bra. It's mildly embarrassing to change out of exercise clothes when you haven't actually exercised. Every bit of incentive helps, don't you think? Mind you a master procrastinator could find herself at 2.30 in the afternoon still in her togs and fleecies with barely enough time for a swim before the afternoon school run. I admit nothing.
What quotes inspire you? And what 'tricks' do you use to get out the door to exercise?
More anon, empresses!

....and a lovely day to you too, b****

I was out running this morning - more on the general state of awesomeness of things in another post; suffice it to say I've had a lot of extra washing of exercise clothes to do lately  - and had stopped to stretch my calf when an old lady in a motorised wheelchair thingy trundled up
Doing that'll cost you a lot of money she said
Pardon? quoth I (all I could think of, in my innocence, was this top comes from Kmart - but little did I know...)
Well you've obviously spent a lot of money putting on all that weight and now you're going to waste it
*brief pause whilst images of her being trampled beneath a ravening mongol horde flit through the dumbfounded LBTEPA noggin*
You're very rude. Go away.
Well good luck to you anyway dear
*sound of teeth grinding as only LBTEPA's superb upbringing prevents her from pushing the old harpy under a passing ute*

 I've spent the day catching sight of myself in windows and wondering is that what people see? I feel a bit unsettled. It'll wear off, I'm sure, but I was just so gobsmacked at her thoughtless nastiness.
Bitch.
I'm going to the pool tomorrow in my fierce new black togs. Anyone of normal eyesight and judgemental mind can SUFFER.
Roooaaarrrrr!!!!!

More anon, khans!

things that make you go hmmmm

....struggling with this a little bit at the moment...
but staying patient and working hard, for that is the LBTEPA way. Run 1 minute, walk 1 minute. 30 minutes, twice a week. Pool, bike, weights. Little and often is how I will get strong again.
I had this fab plan that from now on I am going to get up early and work out becuase trying to summon the oomph for a bit of righteous sweating at 8.30pm is more than I am up for at the 'mo. So last night I slept horribly badly, but I went out for a (ahem) 'run' this morning did you see that? "for a run" all casual-like as though that was some normal thing wow anyway because I decided that fresh-aired and exercised and tired and crabby was better than just tired and crabby. While I was out I met the old bloke I always used to high-five back in the good old days. We were very pleased to see each other.
After this morning I would also like to thank the town planning gods for making it almost compulsory to plant plum trees as street trees. Avant gardeners (hahaha I am so funny) like my Mum think they are ever so passe, but they call to me happily that winter is over. Spring is coming!

 More anon, blossoms!

One day

I kept it all on the straight and narrow for 11 days. Walking, swimming, running (squee! running!!), cycling after dark with my flashing light clipped to my shorts - flashing my bum just doesn't sound right, does it? - becuase the day's crazy left 8.30-9.00 as the only free time...it all happened for eleven days straight becuase I made it happen. And it was good. Then yesterday I took Team LBTEPA out for dinner to celebrate the new business - which I absolutely could not run without them - hitting an amazing financial milestone astonishingly quickly, and the exercise didn't happen.

Today, my five faithful readers, it will. I'll help Noddie with her piano practice and fold the washing and finish my case notes and THEN I WILL WALK.
Eleven schmeleven I say
rrrrROOOAAARRRR!!!!!

More anon, Pleistocenes!
*EDIT: I DID IT. Case notes went unfinished and the washing is still blocking the laundry door in a big tiresome pile, but I went out and walked. Let the next streak commence

well there's not much happening here Bruce (2013 edition)

Well there’s not much happening here, Bruce, the crowd is getting a bit restless….but hang on – what’s that?
Look Tim – a sight we didn’t think we’d see for quite some time – a heartwarming sight – a sight built on determination and courage....
Please stop talking such bullshit Bruce - now listeners, from the broadcast box here we can just see through the tunnel leading into the stadium – the crowd have just got the feed on the big screen and they’re rising to their feet screaming in delight as a small figure...
What? What? Who is it? What’s she doing?
...a small figure, dwarfed by this mighty stadium, the site of so many dreams and triumphs…..
if you don’t tell me right now Tim I will biff you one
...she’s lifting her knees
...her shoulders are back and her head is held high
...she’s breathing easily and grinning from ear to ear, oh this is an emotional moment Tim
here’s a hanky for you Bruce now get on with it

...it’s LBTEPA

....and she’s RUNNING!!!

oh this is a great day Bruce, such a happy day, a day we thought might never come.... give me that hanky


and the crowd goes wild!!!!!


More anon, invincibles!

falling through the week

Gosh that went by quickly. Since last we spoke I packed for Melbourne, lunched with a friend and roared off to the big smoke with the family, all whist feeling like death warmed up but only very slightly, found a kind and helpful walk-in doctor with a charming and helpful receptionist ah, I remember helpful doctors and charming receptionists, those were the days..., shopped for new boots in Acland Street becuase I ACCIDENTALLY no really left mine at home and I'm all about problem-solving, dozed the afternoon away while the Very Strong Antibiotics I was prescribed becuase I was Really Very Sick (see this raised middle digit, mean stupid doctor I saw on Thursday? It's for YOU) started to work their magic, dined at a restaurant with a magic tree in the middle of the dining table

see?

brunched with The Mighty Emma who was by some miracle in the same city at the same time, attended the thea-tah (totes hilair, darls), zoomed back home, saw my clients for the week and sketched out the barest semblance of looking after Noddie and the Spousal Unit whilst spending every possible moment as rugged-up and close to horizontal as could be managed. Ask me how I know that the Bad Mother Police don't come if you give your kid re-heated spinach rolls for tea two nights in a row.
I was going to cancel my physio appointment  becuase I've done bugger all - it is hard to do core work when your head nearly falls off when you move it, and cardio is tricky when you're coughing up stuff the consistency of blu-tac (too much information? Sorry) blah blah blah excuses excuses - but then I thought I could use the session to get back onto the right track - as a re-set button, if you will. Luckily my physio combines sternness, no-more-excuses-please and kindness in the nicest possible way so I didn't cry.
Now LBTEPA is vertical again, thanks to the miracles of modern doctors who actually give a shit enough to listen medicine, and The Plan is This: another streak! If I keep it up for four weeks, I reckon I'll be a Person Who Exercises again, as opposed to my current identity as a bleating, carb-powered couch cushion. I'll be riding that endorphin train, my friends, and my resting heart rate and lung capacity will be back on that road to righteousness. It'll be great. It's going to happen. You watch.
In the spirit of Yoda

exercise Every Single Day for the next month I will.
....mind you

.....I'm so confused....
but in the meantime, tally ho!!! Charge!!!!!!!!!!
What are your bold plans for the next season?

More anon, metaphor-manglers!

well

DR: if your job exposes you to the public you can get a cold every two weeks, and if your colds are susceptible to developing into painful viral sinusitis, that's just the luck of the draw. A referral to an immune specialist or your sinus surgeon won't change that. There's nothing we can do until there's green or yellow mucus. Except maybe panadol.
LBTEPA: Oh. Thanks (I'm polite).

I can imagine

So: yesterday, a very brisk walk (by my current standards) in a well-lit, even-surfaced area sans Noddie, hoons and the stupid dog. All good although sadly puffed by the end.
Today I Went To The Gym! My body image issues, shame and sadness and I may have had a little sniffle in the car before I went in but I was soon BOUNDING AWAY ON THE ELLIPTICAL WITH MY HEART RATE AT 145 OMG HOW GOOD DOES THAT FEEL? so I forgot about it all, to the point where, when the whippersnapper gym attendant asked me how I was coping(!)* I replied, fine thank you, and how about you?**
Then I played this song at full blast all the way home while I had a big happy sook. Note to self: either stop being so emotional or keep tissues in the car

After my last post, I was reminded of something very important by  the lovely K, one of my five faithful readers. I am getting stronger. I will run again. My athletic life is not over. My head sort of knew that, but I just haven't been able to imagine it.
Now I can.
And I have. It's 454 days until next year's Melbourne Marathon. I'm going to do it.
More anon, dreamers!
* I explained to Noddie that some people see a fat middle-aged woman dripping with sweat and assume that she is struggling, but this is basing a conclusion on insufficient data. She hates that bwahahahaha
** given that it was his first offence I have spared his life

a minor setback

I was all set to be all happy and excited about Day 1 of Marathon training, aka being allowed to go for a walk, until I tripped over our stupid dog because it was dark and Noddie and I and the stupid dog were walking beside an unmade road and some stupid hoon was bearing down on us and I'm not as nimble as Steven Bradbury.

Now the ankle is a bit bruised and swollen and it's a bit painful to drive. I didn't twist it though so I Am Not Worried Or Upset At All nononononooooo. I just have to be very patient and careful for a bit longer.
More anon, last men standing!

Want want want

Soon, my darlings, soon there will be a post that doesn't start with my foot hurts and my chest and sinuses are horribly infected and I feel like a limp dishrag but I'm being patient and I'm sure things will get better. I swear there will.
But all is not a vale of tears in the existence of LBTEPA. Ice and antibiotics are working their magic, and Day 1 of Marathon Training surely cannot be far off. And *squeals and girly handflaps* GUESS WHAT ??? I WENT FOR A RIDE ON MY BIKE ON SUNDAY!!!!! I was going to ride to the pool to do my superfun(not) workout but then Noddie wanted to come and then she wanted to keep on riding and then when we went home 20 minutes later (twenty whole minutes oh how the mighty have fallen eh?) the infected-chest headspins decided to kick in so I had a rest instead. But you have to start somewhere, no? And OHMYWORDHOWFUNISRIDINGYOURBIKE??????? It's pretty scary to feel so weak and have so very far to go to get back into any sort of shape, but I'm starting to feel as though I might be up for it.
You know what I want? There's a rail path that crosses the highway about 10km from our house. I want to be able to run there and back most weeks.I want to be able to swim 2km without feeling it the next day and be able to ride my bike for a couple of hours without thinking about it. I want to feel cheerful and strong and not get sick so often. And I want some of this.

Not the beer - I'm Dry this July, as you know (It's going very well, thanks for asking! Could you spare a fiver for a good cause?  Just click here) - the bling! How nice is that Gold Coast bling?
I said to the Spousal Unit the other day that I probably won't do the Gold Coast Marathon again becuase it's in July and I get sick a lot in the winter which messes with my training and my head - but then I saw this year's medal and the WANT really kicked in...oh my....soooo cool.....none of that outrageous same-sized medal with different paint and ribbon BS that Melbourne pulls.
But I digress.
I know what I want. There's a very long way to go - I haven't walked more than 2km for months, 400m is my limit in the pool and I mentioned my epic first bike outing...le sigh.... As my five faithful readers know, tThe LBTEPA method for getting what you want is keep working and keep smiling. It's worked for me a lot of the time, so I'm going to stick with it. All I have to do it get the foot and the sinuses and chest to co-operate and we're good as gold!
What do you want? And how do you plan to get it?
More anon, froth-heads!

ABCI

This weekend Noddie and the Spousal Unit and I had our long-awaited and super-fab trip to the big smoke during which we went to the zoo, Sandown racetrack for J to do his stunt driving course, and to the Museum to see the Afghanistan Treasures, which were absolutely stunning and very moving and should be seen by everyone. We ate yummy Chinese, Greek, Vietnamese and Italian food in buzzy, delicious-smelling restaurants, and went shopping in Smith St, and generally had a happy and satisfying time.

I'd love to be posting all about how I've been diligently adhering to the LETTER of my rehab and I do feel very very bad that I haven't, but I have been cruelly struck down with yet Another Chest Infection (So Over It- this post's title should be AFCI). Keeping the New Job and the family going whilst remaining upright and smiling (for, as you know, that is the LBTEPA Way) has taken almost everything I've had. I've not missed more than two days in a row blah blah blah excuses excuses so I'm hoping the physio gives the all-clear to cycling and maybe the elliptical, even some walking...how nice will it be to be Allowed Out....?

Hope you are all well - what have you been up to?
cheers (with ginger beer)

She's at it again

Yes, LBTEPA is drying out for a month (and a long month too, none of this namby-pamby February nonsense [which is Not Going To Happen because my birthday, wedding anniversary and summer are in February and quite frankly in summer charitable self-denial doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell against the lightly-clad, slightly sweaty juggernaut that is warm-weather hedonism]) for charity, health and a challenge to the currently rather flabby LBTEPA self-discipline. As my five faithful readers know, I am fond of a sherby, so this will be A Good Thing in many ways. In the spirit of tightrope-walking across Niagara Falls in a blindfold because it's Just Not Hard Enough otherwise, I will also add a No Bleating clause to the deal - I whinge about choosing to refrain from communing with my good friends chardy and bubbles on any form of social media whatsoever, I match whatever's been donated. Whaddya reckon?
Click here to guilt me into keeping at it donate money for support services for adult cancer patients. I'm off to the pool now. It's a quiet time of day and the lifeguards could do with some amusement. I live to serve.

More anon, splashers!
(and don't forget to click!)

Head-spin

I went to the physio the other day, as you do, and I was telling her about the amusement I provide to the lifeguards with my endless wading and hopping and deep water running with a pool noodle that looks like a waggy yellow tail
and she said
they'll be laughing on the other side of their faces when you cross your next marathon finish line
.
.
.
and I said, do you really think I'll do another one?
and she said briskly (she's a brisk woman), there's no reason why not. It's healing beautifully and has a great range of motion. Once you can hop you can start cycling and running, and that shouldn't take more than another three weeks
.
.
.
It. Was. Good. News!
I was literally speechless. All I could do was shake my head and try not to get all teary (see 'brisk', above)
I can't remember the last time I've had good ankle news. I had quite a lot of bad news, as you know, and recently some pleasantly hopeful and even promising news. Good news! I'm not sure I know what to do now! Can I summon the energy or even remember how to be  happy and gung-ho and hopeful and disciplined? I shall give it a crack though. You watch.

More anon, space cowboys!

Scout's honour

I'm taking this as my motto today

Feeling a bit discouraged about my athletic life (at the moment consisting of deep water running with a bit of wading thrown in, plus getting sicker and sicker (stupid chest infection Will Not Go) and heavier and heavier, which is a drag hahahaha did you see what I did there?) but Not Giving In. For that is not the LBTEPA way.
What's your motto? Why?
More anon, smilers!

Complicated and intense

That was intense. And complicated.
A good day, though, and an important day. 

 

The survivors' club. Relieved and exhausted smiles.

It was well done. Thanks for saying so.

So glad we all made it through in one piece

 

I'm still really churned up. I feel like bursting into tears a lot. I think all the sadness and worry that had to be desperately squashed down so I could keep everything going is starting to bubble out, now that it's safe. I'm fine though. Just happy and so so tired. I'm ready for the next adventure now.

More anon, glitterbugs!