no - ees too much. Lemme sum up.
I am very much aware and grateful that overall I have an awesome life. I am lucky. I am capable and determined and well-resourced. My blog is where I put all the bleaty shit that I need to stop swirling around my head and dragging me down so I can force myself to put on my togs and go to the pool or get out the door for yet another aborted run or stand in front of those bastard mirrors at the gym or line up the 2000 Kona replay and hop on the stupid boring go-nowhere but it'll-have-to-do-when-J-is-working-late bike.
I'm REALLY SAD about how unfit I am and how heavy I am and how all of that plus the ankle reco and the niggly shoulder from the crutches and the painful achilles and the b**** who switched my body-shame up several notches adds up to making rebuilding my fitness a bloody big job, and not one that be approached with have-at-it balls-to-the-wall gung-ho derring-do. Guts and glory won't work here. I have be patient. Take my time. Slow slow slow. Sucking it up. Always sucking it up. Seeing myself in photos and not cringeing. Walking around Melbourne and not going into shoe shops or running shops and squashing the that-used-to-be-me sadness when I see all the runners - and Melbourne is a great place to run; there are runners everywhere. Trying to not feel like a complete failure for some stretches, a few pushups and some core work at 8.45 pm becuase that's all I can bring myself to do after all the day's stuff is done. Sucking up the sadness and shame and doing it. Smiling and staying in touch with my good generous happy-for-you self when everyone else is celebrating their running groups and their 10ks and their tris. Sucking it up when the task seems so very big and feeling good again seems so very far away.
I have thought of a personal trainer, but I need someone who understands very very slow rehab of an overweight (obese if you ask the always accurate and helpful BMI) middle aged endurance athlete. I don't know whether there's anyone around here like that. I need a miracle man* who won't rush me 'cause you know, you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. I'll go to the gym and ask today though. You never know.
I know what to do.
I'm not going to give up.
I will feel strong and fit again one day. If it's medically possible I will run another marathon or several and swim long distances and do triathlons.
I am sucking it up even though the task seems so very big and feeling good again seems so very far away. Almost inconceivable
More anon, swordsmen!