It all ends with joy

Extra added bonus! This post has been fitted with convenient headings so you can choose which bits interest you!
1. Musings on blogging.
Why have a blog? Attention? Loneliness? Wanting to make friends? To connect with people and express myself? To make my goals more real and myself accountable? To celebrate life with like-minded others?
Are you a bit obsessive about your comments? I'm so lame, I sometimes even get a bit huffy and hurt when I don’t get ‘enough’
Neurotic LBTEPA:(whines) why don't they liiiiike me?
Stable LBTEPA: (sarcastically) of course, I forgot, no-one has anything else to do but comment on your blog, which is the centre of the Universe!
*slaps self on head, tells self to Get A Grip*
All utterly adolescent of course, and even more so when I realise it’s actually that ‘people will reject me if I’m not nice/good/ positive and if I’m rejected I will DIE’ thought pattern talking. I have struggled with this stupid reaction most of my life, but at least I recognise and challenge it now. Ah, maturity, eh? The other bloggy struggle I have is how much to disclose. Various life experiences have taught me that it’s dangerous to let people know when you’re feeling vulnerable, but then that leads to a bullet-proof façade which provokes either admiration or hostility - never support - along with trying to cope with everything alone, isolation and depression. I’ve been down that track, girls and boys – it’s not a good way.
It’s always a fire walk, isn’t it? Online as well as in the non-virtual world. You have to reach out to connect with people, but reaching out is scary 'cause you might not encounter kindness. I actually think it’s less of a risk in the blog-sphere, because people who blog have chosen to reach out and are more likely to be honest and supportive because that’s what they want for themselves.
Do you ever wish you didn’t think so much? I want to find the self-doubt switch, turn it off and RIP that bastard out of the wall. I think the answer is to work out the purpose of my blog. Getting that clear in my mind will help me feel more at ease about what I’m writing. For some reason I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable and scratchy in my skin lately, so anything that makes life more peaceful will be a blessing. Or maybe I should just HTFU* and write.
2.Training.
Even without running and with no specific event goals (for moi, tres weird) this has been a good training week. In my mind I’ve committed to doing that 4km swim in December (will have to check the Spousal Unit’s roster and my training progress before I hand over the cash) so I’m seeing all my lunchtime laps as money in the bank. I am utterly in love with riding my bike so every outing is a treat, especially since I think I have finally nutted out the right seat position.
3. Joy.
Did I tell you I’ve switched my car radio to the classical station? I spend about 6 hours a week driving and it occurred to me not long ago that I HATE COMMERCIAL RADIO – annoying announcers, stupid ads, unpleasant doof-doof music. I’ve no idea why it took me so long to think of doing something so simple that punctuates my day with beauty. Since then, I’ve been looking for other unconsidered habits that I might change to put more joy in my life. I need more fresh flowers, more bike rides, more bright colours, more singing. What about your life? What can you change to give yourself more joy?

Coming Soon - end of October wrap-up! Ooooh I bet you can't wait......
More anon, philosophers.*Harden The F#$% Up - a very popular acronym on the very scary hardcore triathlon forum in which I occasionally lurk.