*WARNING: LSAP (long self-absorbed post) AHEAD*
How many times can I say it? – you people are the BEST. I do appreciate your thoughtful responses and shared experiences enormously. They have certainly informed my New Plan (‘cause you know I do like me a plan….)
This might sound a bit defensive but I want it out there – I have never even been close to drink driving, OR not being able to look after Noddie. I am a self-critical catastrophiser so I have been worrying about what might happen if I continue along this path. A long time ago I read a post on a weight loss blog where the writer (in the middle of a huge weight-loss journey) had found herself irritated by a colleague who was stressing about having 5 pounds to lose. Bah, 5 pounds? she thought. Try having 50 pounds to lose – and then she thought.…what if I’d started worrying at 5 pounds? What if I’d said here’s the line, that’s enough? That’s my thinking about this drinking issue. It’s a small-ish problem now, with the potential to become very serious if I don't do something about it. The line is here.
Now the plan is this......
Feel. The. Feelings.
Ooooh, profundity, so early in the day! But what does it all mean?
I was particularly affected by Angel and Jeanne asking me to look at why my drinking is creeping up, and what I am using it for. It's clear to me that I often use it – and other, possibly more socially acceptable, yet equally inappropriate-when-abused activities (Hi ebay! Hi rice crackers!) – to avoid my feelings. Agitation, anxiety, anger, frustration, fear – why not put something in my mouth? Hey presto - instant calm! Instant finally-getting-one-f%&*ing-second-to-myself! Instant comfort!
I am always inspired by the magnificent Duane. He has written that since he stopped medicating himself with food he has cried more than he has in the last decade – but he’s also happier than he has been for ten years. In his honour I tried an experiment yesterday. Whenever I felt edgy or tense, I sat with it for a moment and puzzled out what the feeling really was. Named it. I experienced it instead of making myself tired pushing it away. If it was illogical I challenged it (why on earth would J be angry because it took longer than I thought to drop Mum at the station? And if he is, so what?). And I felt better. Every time. All day.
That’s the plan for now. Whenever those ‘trigger feelings’ hit, I will take the time to FEEL them. That way my actions will be my choice rather than mere reactions to unpleasant stimuli. I’ll see where that takes me.
I promise the next post will be chock-full of amusing anecdotes about the inadvisability of teaching your small child the words ‘flatulence’ and ‘inevitable’. And possibly ravings about how much I enjoy driving my car now I don't need crutches any more...and swimming........... mmmmmmmmmmm swimming.......and a picture of my chart with more boxes crossed off....
You have been warned.....
More anon, lab rats!