Roughly this time yesterday I sat in the car park outside the surgeon's rooms and cried. The cast was off and the surgeon was happy because everything was 'normal" and 'progressing well'. This? Normal? This scaly, wrinkled, scarred, swollen, painful thing, that wouldn't bend? Another week on 'crunches' - progressing well? Another week feeling like crap because I have to ask people at work to carry my tea. Another week without my car (stupid sports clutch). And another week that I can't push Noddie on the swing at the park, when I promised her I'd take her today.
I drove around aimlessly for a little while, bought some petrol, thought about what I'd have for lunch (at 10am). Putting things off. Finally I pulled into the swimming pool car park. I didn't want to go in. I'd been keeping myself bouyant through the whole time in the cast by imagining this day as triumphant, strong, back-to-normal. Now my folly had risen up and slapped me and I was crushed.
But I went inside, on my crutches.
And I took my horrid scar and revolting scaly leg to the edge.
And I jumped in.
the most beautiful feeling in the world
Mmmmmmmmmmmhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
It was magic. Magic, I tell you. Mmmmmmmm......
Then I swam 5 x 100m - that's all - and nearly puked. It's going to be a long road back. :(
After the best standing up, no fuss shower ever, I hobbled painfully back to the car and cried again. The Spousal Unit copped it big time when he rang to see how I was, poor treasure - but I did tell him that I knew these feelings of sadness and disappointment and shame were temporary and would pass if I gave myself some time to process them. Not fun, but true.
Later in the day my physio took a look at the mess and described it as 'beautiful' - what is it with these medical people? Swimming is excellent for flexibility so I can do that. Lots of exercises and stretches. I can do that. He wants me on crutches for a week, gradually increasing weight bearing, to make sure I develop a properly balanced gait and not a limp. I can do that. Not all the time, either, just when I'm not at home. I can do that. Back to see him next week to see how I'm going on our 12-weeks-til-running plan.
Guess what I did when I got back to the car? (*hint - more hankies in the wash). And I talked myself down from a large block of turkish delight to a can of diet lemon squash. Woo f#$%ing hoo.
I took Noddie to the park and pushed her on the swing.
Then we all went out to dinner to celebrate and had a lovely time.
This morning my swim was a bit better. The bruising is down and my skin is presentable, thanks to sorbolene and my loofah.
11 much-appreciated comments:
But it is off!!!!
Bless your heart!!! You will be jumping off the couch before you know it!
Chin up babe!
I agree (were here at the same time YM).. This too shall pass.
I had tears welling up in my eyes. Totally felt your disappointment. :(
Poor sausage.
Well, it's not like taking the cast off a porcelain doll. What good is it going to do if you jump back in and re-injure yourself. I know its not easy, but we want you back for good, LBTEPA :-) So, we'll suffer, and cry, and over eat, and curse for you, but you must persevere. Don't thank us. We're all nice like that :-)
Chin up, peaches! It's all moving in the right direction, even though it feel like standing still. Before you know it, you'll be walking a couple miles at a time and then running and then looking back and saying (blogging), "hey, remember when I cried in the pool parking lot about my shrivelly ankle? Gosh, that seems like forever ago...". And then you'll head out for a romp with Noodie and it will escape your mind for good.
All in due time. Keep your chin up!! :)
oh that was sad. and you were in shock, for heaven's sake! and still went out and swam!!
personally, the thing i am most impressed with is the forgoing of the turkish delight for a can of DIET ANYTHING.
you rock.
you'll be back stronger than ever. you just watch.
:)
That, my dear (and I mean all of it) is *serious* progress, well done!!!
ohhhh! i just want to hug you comrade. onward, like you say xxox xxox xxox
You poor thing... you've been through so much with that foot, and yes, I know what you mean about doctors and medical people. It's like they have some perverse sense of humor!
Hang in there... you're doing great.
*hugs*
And the BEST part was that you DID push Noddie on the swing!!!!
give it time. i can say that. you know i can.
and i hear from medicalpeople that my scar is "beautiful'. all the time. if this is beautiful, what does a crappy one look like?
it does loosen up fast than you think. just swim and pool run. trust me.
oh yeah, and shave.
kneed the scar area with vitamin e. or ask if you should. i had to.
I think Celeste will agree with me when we say you gotta come and live in Perth and join us on bike rides!!! Ya feel me! Come and do your uni work here etc. and we'll find hubby a job some how and Noddie can play with my little man etc. See it's all worked out already.
You are making progress and it counts, baby got to crawl first remember!
Thanks for your comments on my blog, it's always great to see you over .. and btw Celeste and I think your blog is great!!
Post a Comment