The real world

Well this will be a challenge. On FB this morning, all keen and enthusiastic, I posted that I would "do a bike session, weights and 400 words of my literature review today". Ah, charming, naive optimism....
Since then:
I had to fling off the slouchy study duds, transform myself into a vision of casual competence and zoom into town for some weak coffee and no cake (we ate out last night: I don't need any extra extras today) because I forgot about a work morning tea;
I have had a horrid tummy-ache and just want to lie down with a hot water bottle;
and the Spousal Unit was unable to countenance a picnic by the creek near our house on "his day off", (sing it with me all you mums and wives, how nice one of those be?) instead believing it essential to drive half an hour to a nearby beauty spot for a 'nice lunch' of (admittedly delicious) pizza by the water.
Now it's a quarter to four, I still want to go to bed and the word count is at 50. Chateau LBTEPA is an enthusiasm- and motivation-free zone. Will "Find A Way" be the answer?? Or will Finding a Way today mean just Letting It Go?
More anon, makers-of-no-appreciable-progress-who-for-no-fathomable-reason-still-refuse-to-throw-their-hands-in-the-air-and-say-f#$% it! We must stick together, we hardy few!

Find A Way

How patient you are, my five faithful readers! Even though blogging is on my List O'Joy, this week I was unable to overcome my resistance to it and JFWS. I did buy some new shoes on eb@y though....(slaps self on head for digressing AGAIN)
I'm always impressed by people who devise new years' resolutions and themes and This Is Who I am This Year super-words and uplifting mantras. I have often tried to come up with one, but to no avail. I've waited and waited for inspiration. You have to be patient with these things. And The Phrase has to be just right. Neither too fearsome, strident or exacting, nor too much airy-fairy New Age hippy BS. I'm a cranky, country-raised Australian protestant, I don't do that sh$t.
No excuses? Too harsh (ditto No Fear). I'm all about excuses (and terrified bleating), and then cunningly evading or clambering over them on my way to what I want
JFDI? Language! Also, the Words have to help with stuff like getting me out of bed at stupid o'clock - and telling me to JFDI at that hour would likely elicit the response SFO! (Shan't! F* Off!)
Make it so, number one? Not being bald, possessed of a Shakespearian baritone nor in charge of a heavily armed space ship, this wouldn't do. I do try to boldly go whenever possible, though. But still. Not quite right.
Cede Nullis? Yield to none is a favourite, and the motto of my football team, who utterly failed to adhere to it this weekend. It looks like another long season. Sigh. But I digress.... it just wasn't right. Nothing seemed to sum up what I'm trying to do.
Then, as I was re-reading my last post, a phrase leapt off the screen and burrowed its way into my noggin.

FIND A WAY

Perfect! This phrase is like a ladder to see over obstacles and annoyances and a telescope to see my Big Dreams in the distance. It's so handy and easy to use! The Spousal Unit tiresomely sleeps in so I can't go for my ride before church and I'm sailing with Dad after lunch? Find a way! Set up the trainer in the living room and do half the session before and half after! J starts work at 06.00 so I can't run early? Find a way! Run after dinner on a full stomach ergghhh oh well the kms got done. Can't concentrate on writing my lit review? Find a way! Do the bits I can do. Write for 10 minutes. It's an imperative - Find a Way! - and an affirmation of my capability and purpose - I can and I will find a way. You don't have enjoy it or feel motivated either. Just Find a Way.
You're right, it probably isn't the answer to everything, but at the moment it's helping me see past the sick kid and spousal shift work and stubborn extra lard and self criticism and doubt to how cool and filled with happiness life really is.
Hey, I had to tell you about the most awesome Big Dreamer ever! A bloke is celebrating losing his job by selling up everything and travelling the world running 52 marathons - in different countries - in 52 weeks! His race videos are terrific and very funny. Get over to runlikecrazy dot com and cheer him on!
In other news, I'm never letting the Spousal Unit near eb@y again without supervision: he's just bought a boat! Mind you it's probably safer than letting him out fishing on his own - he fell in the river last time. The boat's name is Mad Dog, so J is Captain Mad Dog and Noddie is First Mate Mad Puppy. I'll let you work out my crew name. Bwahahaha.
More anon, tiara-fanciers!

Sunday seven, with extra added Realness

Blogging twice a week is on my List O'Joy but I keep putting it off. It's the same with a lot of things that I enjoy. I don't always put them off by doing Important Things either, like the 3000 words I have due next Thursday, arrgghh. Faffing, shillyshallying, lollygagging....you name it, I'll do it. Who knows why? Who cares? The thing that works best for me is to notice the resistance, acknowledge it, then Get the Heck On With It. So here goes
1. I literally threw my resistance to the winds yesterday at the start of my run along the river with Mum *waves* hi Mum! As we started, I said out loud all the I hate this, this is a stupid idea, I'm so bad at this I don't know why I bother thoughts that I run through like a big banner at the start of every single run. And you know what? Once they were out there, they were gone!
2. Yesterday the Spousal Unit had an afternoon off. This is A Big Thing. The store not only had to be built, staffed, stocked and opened, but also Grandly Opened, involving bouncy castles, sausage sizzles, Humphrey Bear and Shannon Noll. The managers have been working insane hours - we have a photo of J by the door so we know it's him when he comes in. But it's all done now, and we can start to find out what normal life is like here. Yesterday afternoon we went down to the river and sat in the dappled shade, enjoying the sunshine and the breeze and the trees and the water. Noddie and J fished and I read my book. J and I toasted each other - this is why we came here. We did it!
3. As promised in my last post, it's time for Extra Added Realness! I would like to do - and, in the context of my Real Life, am prepared to have a red hot go at training for - both the Gold Coast and Melbourne marathons this year. Melbourne is of course the Big Dream. I'll make a decision about GC on the basis of how my long runs are going when the early bird entries close, or if there aren't any (I can't remember), by May 1st. If I'm not confident of at least three 30+km runs then I'll do the half.
4. To my lovely commenter P: I want to do the Run Melbourne half for four reasons. I love the course and don't really care how long it takes me to trudge around; it'll be a chance to catch up with Melbourne friends; it's a celebration of another year passing since my ankle reconstruction; and the medals are really nice.
5. More Realness (ewww): I'm not physically or mentally comfortable with my weight at the moment. I don't like thinking about my weight. It a) doesn't seem in tune with my beliefs about health, eating and body image in this unreal, sexualised, retouched-image-bombarded world of ours and b) is BORING. But there you go. I also like to feel comfortable in my skin rather than bloated, and to fit into my clothes. I like to feel disciplined. I'm not eating intuitively at the moment, I'm eating - and DRINKING - out of habit. I really, really dislike writing down what I eat but I'm going to do it for one week just to get myself eating more consciously. I need to get out of my comfort zone to get back into my comfort zone, if you see what I mean. The link is to my new theme song!
6. Now that the Spousal Unit will be home more often, The Plan Is This: minimum half an hour of cardio - run, bike, swim - four times a week plus a long run plus two lots of weights. No excuses. I Will Find A Way. I'll have to start getting up early again sing it with me people, eewwww but I can suck up those first few minutes of OMGWTFImustbeINSANE because I'm doing this to get what I want. I WANT MORE RACE BLING!
7. My dear friend and partner in Stupid Determination, the splendid Mrs Wombat, has sprained her ankle badly and will be off her feet for quite a few weeks, booo! She's feeling pretty low, poor lambie, so send her some "hang in there" thoughts, will you? We were talking about the movie she was watching from her sickbed, Run Fatboy Run.
Mrs W: I like him, he's not a real athlete, just persistent like us
LBTEPA: We ARE real athletes. And we're bigger, so that makes us MORE real!
Mrs W: True.
More anon, reality-biters!

Getting real, part one

I'm writing this to put down some things that have been swirling around in the ol' noggin. It's much easier for me to see things clearly if they're in front of me in black and white. This is my study break, though, 'cause I went through my uni notes last week and discovered I have 3000 words due in week 4 - next week! Eek! I need to Smarten Up my study habits quicksticks.
My dear old Tiresome Cheery Friend popped back on the weekend, bless her, to talk me through this wretched cold.
LBTEPA: oh woe, oh woe! My throat hurts and my voice sounds funny; there's gunk when I cough and my joints ache! Oh woe! All Is Lost!
TCF: Hi darl! What's up?
LB: Thank God you're here! I have a cold!
TCF: and you're freaking out because...
LB: I can't exercise! I've tried working out through a cold before and it always goes horribly wrong!
TCF: and this is a problem becuase...?
LB: that's it for my marathons this year! Oh woe!
TCF: petal, just take a deep breath. You're not Wimping Out and Ruining Everything. You're being sensible and managing your health. It's going to be ok.
LB: this must be all my fault somehow
TCF: no no no no my duckling. We were going to try and let that kind of thinking go, yes? This bug is going around! You'll recover quickly becuase you're really healthy and you look after yourself. What's really going on here, LB?
LB: (in a small voice) when my joints ache I'm scared I'm getting chronic fatigue again.
TCF: oh my friend - that is a scary thought! But trust me. This is Just a Cold. It's not a punishment for anything. It's not the end of Big Dreams 2010. You're okay. Everything is going to be okay. What say we take this week to be very kind to ourselves, start our new job and get properly better before we get stuck into the Next Big Plan?
LB: Good plan!
I *heart* my TCF.
- I also *heart* my List O'Joy. Lists are usually about Shoulds, stuff that we include in our lives to get invisible brownie points or ticks on the Worthy Person Scale. I don't need that stuff reinforcing my issues - but I love lists! So I decided on a different approach: what did I want my life to look like, and what would a person with that life do on a regular basis?
My List spans a week now. I do still have daily lists, but they are filled from the L O'J, as well as that other unpredictable stuff that always pops up. It has stuff like clean bathrooms/mop/vacuum - but they're on the list because I like to have a clean house. It has things like exercise, drinking 1.5l water and Alcohol Free Days for the same reason: not because I Should, or as reminders of deficiency, but because I want a strong healthy life.
The joyful sparkly little things like doing my nails and playing the piano (I'm a crap beginner but I have fun) and blogging and knitting have their places on the List. It's too easy to "forget" those things, or put them off or not give yourself permission to "waste time" on them. Their absence makes life such a beige place. I will not have a beige life!
I don't have a set number of things I "have to" complete, either. Life is how it is. The List O'Joy isn't pass or fail. In the frame of my wife/mum/student/employee Reality, it's a colour-by-numbers of the rainbow life I want.
And the other things I've been thinking about? I'm a bit hesitant to write them down here just yet. Maybe I don't want to properly get my head around them? In any case, All Will Be Revealed in my next post. It will have extra added Realness as I Face Up to Things and Knuckle Down. Can you do those things simultaneously? We shall see...
More anon, contortionists!

Meh

I have on my List - the new kind of List that I use these days to make life full of cool amazingness, the List O' Joy, if you will - of which more later, for reasons which will become apparent - to write in my blog twice a week.
Had I written here this week, the content would have had to be heavily edited by the Anti-Grumpiness Censorship Board. In summary
- I was looking forward to the Run for the Kids very much. I even felt reasonably prepared!
- the Spousal Unit was working such insane hours and was so tired and stressed that it became clear that my swanning off to party in the big smoke from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday night (leaving our over-excited, ahem, cherub in the care of my dear mother, who Has A Life) would not be the Right Thing. Booooooo!
- I made other plans and agreed to do other things
- but I was VERY disappointed.
- Especially when it turned out that J wasn't working on Sunday after all!
- So I mapped out a nice long run to do on my own - see all that nice riverbank? So pretty! - and my kind Mum agreed to mind Noddie.
- but now I've woken up with a chesty cough, a temperature and a dodgy tummy, and ditto for poor little Noddie. No two-hour sweatfest in the sunshine for me today. If the panadol kicks in, maybe a session on The Trainer O' Boringness.
Meh.
As I posted on FB, LBTEPA has decided to just sit with her feelings about the Run 4 The Kids snafu and just be........just be BLOODY GRUMPY.
Many thanks to my kind, philosophically-minded encouragers - but sometimes you just have to let feelings happen and pass in their own time. I'll cheer up later.
I'll have a good day anyway - I hope you do too!
More anon, acceptors of imperfection!

When Lists Attack

After my post the other day, one of my lovely commenters commented (as they do) well, JBWS then! So in the pleasantly coinciding interests of pleasing others and doing what I want, here goes.
Today has been a testament to the fact that things do improve if you let them. I woke up a few times last night with horrid horrid dreams involving a perfectly nice high school reunion which turned into a nice walk in the country and ended with one of my classmates - for whom, in waking hours, I have nothing but positive thoughts - being mauled by a lion. Ewww. So then I turned off the alarm because after those horrid lions I couldn't bring myself to think about 5.30. So then I woke up hating myself because I would now never have time to do everything I needed to do today and would let everybody down and was clearly incorrigibly lazy and utterly lacking in character. This is probably WTMI ( you've been warned!!) but bring on menopause, I say. PMS head-messing sucks. And then I walked Noddie to school and realised I was not only wearing my oldest tracksuit pants the horror!... but it gets worse but that they were inside out. So I was a bad mother with no personal standards as well. I think I got away with it though: we were talking about self-limiting beliefs and how they applied to the fact that Gran would be walking her to school every Tuesday from next week when I start my new job. Then I rang my Mum to tell her I couldn't crew for Dad this afternoon (clearly a bad daughter). It turned out that he'd decided not to sail today, (yay!) and also that she too had a long list of Things To Do. Our lists were similar in one key respect: they contained the word "RUN".
It's a short word, run. Three little letters, but just dripping with nuances. It was the thing we each wanted to do most and knew we'd feel good about afterward. It was the thing we'd be most disappointed (and judgemental of ourselves) if we didn't do. And we'd both structured our days so it was the thing we were least likely to get time to do. Without our even noticing, it had become our lowest priority.
Huh?
So we went for our run right then. It was enjoyable and we were happy and now we're both having A Good Day doing all the Important Stuff.
I hope you are too.
More anon, voyagers!

JBWS

stands for Just Bloody Write Something! It's funny, I want to write more and I even think of things to write about, but then any excuse, anything - emptying the dishwasher (yes, we have them here), folding the washing - will stop me. But there's a new kind of magic in LBTEPA-land these days, oh yes there is. It does involve a Plan, of course it does, and list, oh so many lovely lists, of course it does, but it's all about Doing What I Want as well as all the Have To's. These, by definition, do have to be done, of course; they're part of real grownup life, but they - along with my massive talent for faffing about, shillyshallying and lollygagging - have been eating my best life. This is unacceptable. The Plan is This:
....would you believe it? The phone just rang: my Mum's popping over for a cuppa! She's fine and so is the jeep, but the taxi she ran into isn't! This is a job for the good biscuits if ever I saw one.
Later: Mum is 100% fine, just dark about having to pay the excess on the insurance. She passed on an invitation to friend's birthday party too, so I must go and get changed.
More anon!

Light headed

I have printed out this picture and stuck it up in my study

Well blow me down with a feather if ranting about having issues and taking them on with a whip and a chair (whilst fetchingly clad in a tailcoat and topper) hasn't cleared my head beautifully. They haven't gone away, of course, but (at the moment at any rate) I am the Boss Of Them. I feel very light, somehow. I keep thinking of the phrase angels can fly becuase they take themselves lightly. I'm laughing more, and sleeping better too. Mind you, this could be because I've dragged my whingeing backside through the first three weeks of OMG how did I get this unfit I've lost everything I'll never get fit again regular workouts, which Always Suck, and now I'm in that pleasant phase again of feeling stronger and fitter and as though I actually want to exercise becuase it's What I Do. This happens every single time I have a layoff - I always hack out the first three or four weeks, convinced All Is Lost, and I always get to a point where I start to feel good again, and I'm ALWAYS surprised. And then I always think it's funny.
In other news:
OMG OMG OMG I GOT A JOB!! Even though this move is something I am very happy about, and Noddie and J seem to be thriving, I've felt curiously removed, or displaced, if you will. Or even if you won't. I think it's becuase I don't know who anyone is - I didn't Know Everyone where I used to live, but I recognised people from my street or the shops and the school and even had some school mum friends. But here I'm adrift. And with that feeling went a doubting that anything else from the old world was still true - had I ever actually had a job before? What could I actually do? I dutifully looked in the paper each week until I found one that seemed to suit who I used to be. Maybe...maybe.... Luckily I was able to fake confidence for long enough to put together an application that got me an interview for a little part-time job as a counsellor at a TAFE , and flimflam through the interview well enough for them to offer it to me. It may have helped that when when they said so, have you anything you'd like to add? I said please give me this job, I really want it and I think I'd be good at it. I didn't quite hug their knees and beg but it crossed my mind. I start in two weeks.
I tell you what, my ducklings, it is a fine thing that, thanks to the mighty Emma and her book recommendation I always do everything Emma tells me, I have regained my ability to see things (my bottom and thighs) as they really are (PERFECTLY FINE thank you very much), or spending the ENTIRE MORNING trying on ugly and ill-fitting jeans might have done my head in. I was moments away from chucking a massive wobbly in the main street when fortune smiled on me and I found some which do justice to my shapeliness. I bought two pairs. I almost didn't use this picture as it was captioned "finding the perfect jeans for an imperfect body". GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! and also WTF???? My body IS perfect! It's the only one I have; it's mine; and I love it!! I won't have it called names!
More anon, lovelies

WTF am I thinking?

May I say, I am Not Thrilled with the way what/whoever is running my brain is going about it. Normally I wouldn't share these intimate maunderings with you, my five loyal readers, for fear of seeming self-indulgent and lame, but a) I thought someone else might read this and find it useful and b) it's my damn blog and as will be become clear, I need to stop listening to the imagined opinions of others. You well-adjusted confident types you know who you are should stop reading here and come back next post.
My perspective is all out of whack. Since mid-October I've passed all my assignments and exams, bought a house, dealt with the Spousal Unit working away all week, maintained Noddie's six-year-old world including birthday parties, dance concerts, end of school and Christmas at our place, packed up our whole place and unpacked it again in the new house, painted two bathrooms, a loo, a bedroom, a hallway and a living room, taught Noddie to ride her boogie board and tie her shoelaces and got her settled at tap dancing classes and school, started uni and a TAFE course, applied for two jobs and got an interview for one (it's on Wednesday, wish me luck!!), and cooked prawn and sweet corn chowder and a proper vegetable pie with a blind-baked bottom and a pastry lattice top. I ROCK, no?
But get this: foremost in my mind, blotting out all of the hard work and coolness of the last five months with its ludicrously inaccurately inflated proportions, is the fact that I've gained 5kg. Eleven pounds. That is pretty much all I have been thinking about in those 2 a.m. wake-and-fret fests. That one thing is the criteria by which I have been judging myself. That is MESSED UP and I'm NOT STANDING FOR IT. I have a Plan, my friends, and The Plan Is This: next time I teeter on the edge of that "weight gain => lazy/disorganised/unworthy/unhappy with my whole self" slough of despond, I'll grab the list of everything I've done, everything I've ever done in my whole life if necessary, and recite it, over and over and over again if I have to. These extra kgs are one thing. I'm doing something about them becuase I like to be able to wear all my clothes and feel comfortable in my skin. But they're not everything.
I have another question for whoever's in charge of the LBTEPA thought schema: what's with all these comparisons? Some of my good friends are really in the training and racing zone right now, pulling out 20km here and 6min/km there with insouciance and no hip soreness. I am so happy for them! I really am - but their hard work and achievements make me feel sick about what I'm not doing. I'm fearful of imagined failure and jealous of their support networks and their apparent confidence. My feet and heart are heavy with this needless burden. As of now, I PUT IT DOWN. We are women trying our best and cheering each other on. My friends are gifts!
Brain, could you make a note of the fact that NOT everything is about me? Today I was talking to a lady at my church, generally a dynamo whose conversation consists of tales of good works and improving activites. She remarked how this very hot sticky weather makes her feel like a complete dishrag - and I realised that my sloth this morning was not becuase I am a big sooky la-la lacking any discernable self-discipline. It was the weather! Must every explanation be a smothering glop of self-criticism? Hmmmmmmmmm?
I find myself thinking "I couldn't do that...." and "I'll never be able to .....". I've been too scared to go to the local tri-club training becuase I'm so slow and heavy, and I almost didn't enter the Run for The Kids because I didn't want my running friends to see me with five extra kgs! WTF IS THAT ABOUT? It's as though everything about me and anything I've ever done is meaningless in the face of being a bit lonely and a bit lardy. It's as though part of me thinks my value is associated with my weight!
THIS IS RUBBISH. My issues exist. Nothing to be done about that. But now I have recognised them for the insidious, joy-sucking harpies that they are. Let me don my tall silk issue-taming hat and my red frock coat, and pick up my whip and chair. I may have to live with them, but I'll make those little b#$!ards sit up and beg, by crikey I will. THEY WILL NOT WIN. I am LBTEPA and I DREAM BIG. I have entered the Run for The Kids and will finish, uninjured, if it takes me all day. I might even front up at the local tri club on Wednesday - I promise nothing.
Thanks for listening as I've faffed on about all this. I feel better already.
More anon, comrades!

perfect ten

I'd like to thank the Spousal Unit for becoming the Spousal Unit ten years ago today. You're ace, S.U. *mwah*

Huffy

To: LBTEPA
From: your knee
Subject: WTF were you thinking?
This is to protest in the strongest possible terms against the behaviour listed below, in which you have been engaging in the most cavalier and devil-may-care fashion.
- "forget" to stretch
- ditto core exercises
- gain weight
- work out with weights on what can only be (very charitably) called the most casual and inconsistent basis
- suddenly start running exclusively on unstable surfaces. Yes, yes, the river is pretty, but a sandy path requires more motion control than we're used to.
- spend a lot of time in the surf. Yes, yes, preventing Noddie from sailing to Tasmania is important, but sand and waves are hard on the knees
- suddenly start riding your bike outdoors. On the road. Up hills. Yes, yes, it's beautiful here what with the paddocks and the river and the view and all, but a little bit more little by little would be helpful. Are you picking up a theme here?
- climb up and down ladders and crawl on the floor with paintbrushes for days on end. Yes, yes, the house was a sea of blah and had to be Dealt With, but really. I don't know why you were so surprised when we jacked up.
In view of the circumstances, i.e. the chaos and excitement of the move, and the fact that you took us to the physio and have been diligent about following her exercises and training advice, we are prepared to let you off with a warning in this case.
Don't let it happen again.
Sincerely etc etc

More anon, tibia tenders!

painting lessons

As I have mentioned, when we moved into our nice new house it was a sea (a swamp?) of BEIGE. I. Don't. Like. BEIGE. I do like painting, so BEIGE's days were numbered.
Painting can be quite the philosophical experience, you know. Listen to music, fill the tray, wipe the roller.... all very meditative. I will share with you now, if I may, the Wisdom of the Fumes.
1. There's no hurry. It doesn't matter if it takes all day, or two weeks. If you know what you want and keep at it, you'll get there.
2. Some things just aren't that important. If people think less of you for something as small as getting paint on the light switch, they're not your friends.
3. Being careful is important. However, sometimes it's more conducive to your happiness to not be too fussy.
4. You can't kid yourself that you like something when you don't. It won't take. Better to do something about it.
5. It's ok to want things to be different.
6. Don't panic if it looks wrong at first.
7. Wait until you can see the whole thing before you decide whether it's a disaster.
8. Sometimes something you'd never have even thought of turns out to be a really good idea.
9. Changing your world takes a fair bit of work, but it's very satisfying and easier than you think.
10. Painting the living room is a good way to celebrate your birthday. Riding a very long bumpy slide down a hillside five times with a tummy full of prawns and champagne is a new one for me, but I can feel a tradition coming on...........
More anon, Rembrandts!

Thursday

Hello there! I write to you, my five faithful readers, from the rural fastness of my (almost) fully assembled, unpacked, unfolded and organised new home. It's nice here. I hope you are all well and enjoying this lovely summer weather, unless you're from the other hemisphere, in which case *snicker*
So much has happened at the new Casa del LBTEPA that I hardly know where to begin.
1. Here is a really truly true Public Service Announcement. As my five faithful readers well know, my sinuses and I have a very special relationship. I hate them; they turn on me at the slightest provocation. Taking them to live in the dusty, pollen-y, smoky (from bushfires) country was possibly not the best idea. In an effort to function I started taking some OTC sinus pain medication that I've had before. I was taking it as infrequently as possible, not even close to the maximum dose. I was finding the unpacking and looking after Noddie a real struggle and was even worried I was falling back into clinical depression again. And then..... I was about to slurp down a couple more of these sinus pills, when I noticed on the package in teeny tiny letters that people taking antidepressants should consult their doctors before using this stuff. Hmmm, I thought, I'm not on ADs but I am feeling more and more thoroughly and pervasively gloomy with every passing day. I don't think I'll take any more of these. So I didn't.
Well let me tell you, my five faithful readers, it was like a switch being thrown. Within 24 hours I was my old irritatingly cheerful bundle-of-energy self. With a face that feels as though it's full of acid, yes, but I'm working on that with stuff that doesn't suck all the joy out of life. So - yes, I have finally got to the point - if you have sinus problems in summer and experience any sort of lowered mood, check what you're taking. Those things are poison to me and they might be to you too.
2. In a sensational piece of serendipity, a friend of mine needed a new home just as we left our old place. Tenants, anyone? We're so thrilled - they're no-BS people, old hands at renting and happy to tell us what we need to do to be good landlords.
3. One of the most fun things about moving house is that you can throw out all your old scruffy tea-towels and get nice new matching ones. Ditto bath mats.
4. Mum gave me a tape measure and matching stanley knife, all covered in roses so the Spousal Unit won't take them to the Shed O'Doom from whence nothing returns. Yes, there's one here too.
5. I love my tape measure. I have a lot of stuff on my walls, and in this house it's perfectly straight, and aligned to perfection.
6. We seem to have acquired two new dogs. They are exact replicas of our previous dogs, but don't bark at the next door dogs or pull washing off the line!
7. When we moved in, every single room in this nice big house was BEIGE. I hate beige. Hate. It. since Noddie started school on Monday I have painted her room pink and purple, as requested - with butterflies! It's too cute! - and the bathroom, en suite and loo pale yellow. They look smashing. Next week I'll transform the front living room from a blah approximation of cosy to a white chocolate den of yumminess. I'm not doing it tomorrow because the job involves unpacking three large bookshelves, and I do need to start organising the filing cabinet some time. Although it might be a good beach day............
8. Noddie has become a complete daredevil on her boogie board. I love going to the beach with her. She's a legend.
9. The view from our front verandah is a few rows of houses and then rolling hills.
10. I live five minutes' walk from the river track. Seeing the sun come up as you run beside the water is exactly as perfect as it sounds.
11.Rain smells so good here. I'm going to go and sit on the verandah for a while before I go to bed.
So when are you coming to stay? Hop on the train, we'll pick you up from the station!

More anon, future guests!

Phew

So here we are.
2 containers of stuff on a BIIIIIIIG truck
500000000000000 boxes, about 90% unpacked
25 trips to the shops to get storage stuff - whoever thought it was a good idea to have no drawers in a walk-in wardrobe? But then, I do have a walk-in wardrobe *beams*
1 new hat for 1 day at the races
1 seven hour round trip back to Melbourne to bring our dogs to their new home
0 exercise. This WILL change TODAY
Feeling a bit like a duck - smooth and unruffled on the surface.......
More anon, paddlers!

Transitions

It's nice and quiet here this morning. The Spousal Unit and Noddie have gone to the hardware shop to get some new toilets (or I think that's what they said). It's cooler today, thank goodness. We were staying cheerful in the heat, of course - we're lucky, we have air-conditioning - but getting really tired. There's been a lot going on.
J's nanna's funeral was on Friday. She was 91 and I didn't know her very well, but it was a sad day.
1. If your mother was a member of a church for fifty-four years, refusing to have a religious service because you're "not comfortable with religion" is LAME. It's not about you. ( J's parents were not involved in this decision, btw)
2. Having the funeral on the other side of the city, effectively preventing her church friends from attending, is thoughtless at the very least.
3. I've told J that, should I predecease him, no-one involved in the service is to have fascinatingly elaborate hair, and if there are any Helen Steiner Rice poems read, I will come back and haunt him. No offence, they're just not my taste.
4. If you were forced to pick, a stinking hot day for a funeral is better than a rainy day.
5. A summer funeral is a wardrobe challenge, but if you could wear an outfit to a nightclub, it's not appropriate for a funeral. We know you're young and hot, but once again, it's not about you.
6. The nasty remarks you make about your nephew's wife organising a service at your mother's church for her friends after the interment will be repeated back to her. She will think you are sad. But every single member of the family showing up to that service was a Good Thing. Very well played.
7. Funerals make people go a bit mental. J's family are really a very nice lot.
We are in a world of boxes, paper, tape and permanent markers at the moment. When Noddie bounces into our room each morning at WTFtimeisit o'clock and announces how many days it is until the moving truck comes (today, Sunday, four), we cringe. Still, we're muddling through.
1. PMS is a bitch and a master of totally wrong and unfair timing. At least I know why no carb in the house has been safe.
2. Champagne might not be the answer, but it helps pass the time until you work it out. I am trying my best to be sensible, but looking forward to being settled again so I can work on my dysfunctional coping strategies.
3. The week before you move 300km IS the best time to get back into a daily exercise habit. It's been hard at times - and MASSIVE THANKS to our darling neighbour for minding Noddie while I went for a run - but I've felt so much better for it.
4. Pack the scales early. You don't need to be thinking about how lardy you've accidentally become.
5. Things pass. Gloom passes, feeling overwhelmed and unsupported passes. Accepting and naming and sitting with the feelings, challenging irrational thoughts - it works. As does just getting on with it. A packed box is a beautiful thing. Anger passes. Biting my tongue is a gift to myself as well as the Spousal Unit.
6. You can't take too much Rescue Remedy. Trust me, I'd know if you could.
7. I don't know how people move house when there's no sport on TV.
8. Noddie and the Spousal Unit are cool and I'm lucky to have them.
9. This, the only un-wrapped picture left in the house, is our motto for the move.
10. New shoes fix everything.
More anon, my lovelies! See you on the other side of the state!

Straight Up

I was going to wrap this post about my plans for 2010 in reflections and cogitations and the difference between goals and aspirations.... and how I'm scared to write them down becuase they are pretty difficult to make failure-proof....and that would have taken me another week to craft into a big slab of pretty words which are actually just talking-about-myself-instead-of-getting-on-with-it...........
but that's all just BS and pandering to my paralysing fear of the Failure Monster.
My goals for 2010 are
1. lose 8kg
2. finish the Melbourne Marathon again
2a. depending on what kind of work I find when we move, do the full marathon at the Gold Coast.
Better get on with it, eh? I'll just have another cuppa first

More anon, full steamers-ahead!

Happy Old Year!

Hi there sports fans! How the heck art thou? Have you been keeping well? Did Santa do the right thing? We here at Chateau LBTEPA have had a splendid Christmas, thanks very much *beams* Definitely one of the best.
We had our traditional Christmas eve fish and chip picnic, on the living room floor becuase it was bucketing down outside, then watched theMuppet Christmas Carol movie. Noddie slept in until 7.30am, God bless her, so we were woken to the strains of "oh, wow! Mummy! Daddy! Look what Santa brought me!" The good Saint somehow knew her shoe size and tastes; to my knowledge she hasn't taken off her sequinned slippers except to go to bed. After church my brother came over and we went to the park for a not-very-grand-but scrumptious lunch of barbecued tiger prawns and warm roast pork and caramelised veges spread on crusty rolls.
Brother had to go to work becuase the big sweety had swapped his morning shift with a divorced colleague so he (the colleague) could see his kids). We each - Noddie under the strongest possible protest - had a nanna nap before my other brothers and sisters and the inlaws arrived for dinner. Everyone brought something so I just provided dessert (Christmas pudding and white christmas, mmmm instant hyperglycaemia) and a festive tree for the annual present madness. We were sad that my dad wasn't well enough to travel so we were missing him and Mum, but it was lovely to see my aunt and uncle who haven't joined us for the last couple of years. We talked and laughed and ate and opened presents and ate and laughed some more.
I wasn't going to mention my present from Noddie here, but I thought it might make Emma laugh. Father Christmas was also good enough to bring me a very good quality print of one of my favourite paintings. I'll get it framed for my birthday in February.
Apart from that
- I'm unemployed! I finished up at work on Christmas Eve. I felt really sad about leaving and on and off still do. There was no card, no cake, no nothing , way to value your staff, eh? - but I'll always be grateful for the opportunity to connect with those thousands of callers, and of course for my massively skilled, funny and compassionate colleagues.
- I'm sleeping like a brick for at least an hour each afternoon and then perfectly well at night! If this keeps up I'm getting my iron and thyroid tested, this is ridiculous.
- I'm really really disappointed to not be racing the Olympic distance tri I hoped to do in two weeks. Three or four forty minute training sessions a week for the last couple of months won't cut it, and we may be moving house around that time as well. We hope. Don't ask.
- As the magnificent Kathryn pointed out, that b#$%* the Motivation Fairy never ever shows up when you need her, i.e. after an extended scoff-fest and exercise layoff. YOU have to do it yourself, damnit. YOU have to say, well, I've put the demands of family ahead of my health and exercise needs for a few weeks, and that was the right thing to do. But now I need to climb Mt Too Busy, Mt Too Hard and Mt I've Got So Lardy This Feels Yucky and fly the twin banners I Can and I Will.
- We gave J a GPS for his birthday yesterday. He loves it.
- I got home all sticky and sweaty and grinning like an idiot from my run today that I just took the time for even though there were 10000 things I could have been doing, and it wasn't just because our friends were forcing, er, helping the Spousal Unit to clean up the back yard and fix the gutters.
- I'm going into the city tomorrow for breakfast with Debi! Social anxiety be damned (I've already planned what to wear) - I love meeting blog friends! And it'll be a beautiful hot day.
- Do you make resolutions? Do you have any goals for 2010? I have some in mind but am a bit scared of the Failure Monster.
More anon, revellers!

Ding dong merrily on high

I love Christmas. It's a bit mental this year what with the Spousal Unit being away during the week and having to move 300km in a week or so - probably why I completely forgot two lots of interstate guests, good thing I haven't put the spare room bed on the nature strip yet, eh? - but Good King Wenceslas didn't whinge about chilblains and Caspar, Balthazar and Melchior weren't grizzling about camel chafing! Joy to the world, my lovelies!
I was getting a bit overwhelmed by it all but then my Tiresome Cheery Friend popped by to share some holiday bonhomie, and I decided to just enjoy it all. Key word: DECIDED. As I say to Noddie all the time (poor child), you decide what you think about things. You decide whether you see all the good things around you or only the bad stuff. YOU DECIDE.
So I am having a splendid time going through my cupboards, chucking stuff out, ok ok mostly J's stuff and putting things in boxes. Tonight I'll be thoroughly enjoying myself packing the quite startling number of ornaments in my house, recalling all the stories attached to each object - oh, and watching Hogfather and eating mince pies! I have to make my Christmas pudding too - I was going to use my usual recipe but I've packed my cookbooks, oops.
You know how sometimes your brain turns on you and tries to convince you that since you've put on a bit of weight lately you're so utterly lazy/hopeless/completely lacking in any sort of /charm/moral fibre/personal worth that you'd best eschew the glam frock and shroud yourself in baggy dowdy black? Oh, you don't? Well anyway, that was where I was on Friday night -almost hyperventilating with anxiety about what to wear to my work party (flash CBD bar) and CR bash (Y&Js). I had to channel my wonderful friend Mary Sunshine who wears whatever she jolly well pleases and always looks AWESOME. I took a few deep breaths and prepared to pretend to be my fabulous self. I didn't have to fake it for long - I had a brilliant time at both parties in my short blue dress and heels and caught the last train home. What a high-stepper! I was a bit sad when I thought someone had stolen my sunglasses at the CR party, but my friend found them! Another win!
Next morning J and I did a power shop (all Noddie's presents in 45 minutes) then had a family outing into the city. J hadn't been to the Hari Krsna restaurant so Noddie and I took him there for lunch and then a trip up the Eureka Tower, which was really fun. On our way we came across the AC/DC exhibition at the Arts Centre. Three words: Too Much Fun! More words: Go And See It! Oh my but I was weary after all that and my large Friday night, so it was nap time for LBTEPA before we trotted off to friends' for dinner. Let's just say it wasn't Noddie who fell asleep on the way home.
Sunday was another lovely day; Sunday school in the morning so Noddie could get her prize, then friends over for dinner before the church carol service. I love singing carols - it's like breathing joy! And I've been practicing in the car on the way to work so I could do all the high parts, such fun! Noel! Noel! Born is the King of Israel!
In health and exercise news.... ummmmmmm........I'm working out almost every day but feeling aimless without a specific race goal. Snacking like the offspring of a pacman and a combine harvester isn't helping either. I'm feeling uncomfrotable and bloated and cross with myself. The time has come, people, to Reverse The Slide.
My interim goal weight is 75kg. Now the Plan Is This. I nicked it from the mighty Duane, who is living by the credo WWAID? - What Would An Ironman Do? My Plan is WWASKPD? What Would A Seventy-Five Kg Person Do? She'd eat toast at home for breakfast rather than getting a coffee scroll on the way, and would eat her homemade soup for lunch instead of a focaccia. She'd exercise daily and drink a lot of water. She'd enjoy Christmas food and drink, but in moderation. As shall I!
Now, all I have to do in the next couple of days is finish up at work, make the pudding and Christmas biscuits with Noddie, buy the Spousal Unit's present and wrap the last two left undone, and do the bare minimum of housework to render the place habitable when the rellies roll in on Christmas afternoon. We'll start the day with NODDIE'S PRESENTS FROM SANTA (don't think she doesn't know how many sleeps there are to go), then church, an elaborate picnic, including a mountain of prawns mmmmmmmm in the park with my brother and finally the family talk-, eat- and present-fest.
And you? How do you celebrate? Do tell!
Have yourselves a merry little Christmas, my friends.
Peace on earth and goodwill to men.

As simple as that

*waves at new commenter* you are SO RIGHT - swimming in the sea IS bliss. Cold, salty, rough, tiring BLISS.
I hadn't been looking forward to the Brighton swim because I've done perhaps 8km in training since April. Also it had got mixed up in the feeling-sorry-for-myself miasma through which I have lately been stumbling. You know the drill... I've put on heaps of weight and lost all my fitness since the marathon, I'm not racing triathlon this summer, poor me AND I feel like a blob. Silly! Silly! I know! I know!
From that pity-party I segued to a cunningly disguised bit of FIGJAM, a la "well I don't really feel like it, but since I can do it and I know lots of people who'd love to be able to do it, I should do it, it's almost my duty!" Can anyone say watch out LBTEPA, you'll put your back out carrying around all that EGO?

Luckily I must have tripped over it and fallen back through the wormhole to reality at some stage. What was really happening ? I got to swim the Brighton 4km, that's what! I love that swim! I look forward to it for weeks, training or no training. Simple as that!

I didn't sleep well on Friday night, the old wake-up-every-hour-so-as-not-to-miss-the-alarm thing, but in the morning I felt happy and excited. Sleep schmeep. My bag was packed, my nails were red, and the swim didn't start until 9am so I didn't have to leave until 7. Too good!
The swim course at Brighton is a bit tricky. The beach runs north/south. You head out diagonally from the start to the first marker buoy, then turn left (north). This is the shoreward side of a long narrow rectangle, which you do twice before swimming back in. The weather at Brighton is always rubbish. The last two years it's been windy and pouring rain - which actually flattens out the swell a bit, and it's a beautiful feeling floating in a white world of rain and sky. This year we were handed a six-to-eight-foot swell and a strong southerly current. It was mad! I was literally swimming diagonally the whole time just to stay on course. The swell was so high I had to wait until I was carried to the top to see the next buoy, or even my horizon marker, and in the time it took to sight I'd be carried off course again. I was constantly correcting - riiiiide to the top, check, veer back, do it again. The waves just rolled and rolled and rolled, uuuuuuuuuuup and doooown, uuuuuuuuup and dowwwwwn. Depending on the direction you were swimming it felt as though you were falling or swimming uphill. People were vomiting and DNFing from motion sickness.
Chugging along at the back, of course, I was oblivious and having THE BEST TIME EVER. It was glorious. I got pretty tired pretty early (see "amount of training since April") but that was a blessing in a way becuase once it was clear that There Would Be No Speed, I just melted into a rhythm that I could keep going forever. Life became the water and my thoughts. My mantras. Catch, catch, (reminding me to concentrate on the front of my stroke) touch, touch (= touch my thumb on my thigh, reminding me to keep my stroke long), kick, kick....up and down and on and on.
At the 2km mark I sucked down the gel I'd stashed in my wetsuit leg. Mine is knee-length so no contortions were required - but may I say, even vanilla gel + seawater = major bleh! The wind was picking up and so were the waves. It became more difficult to stay on course. The most important thing was not to fight the water. Just roll with it, slide off it, let it do its thing, and keep correcting.
I was so happy out there, just swimming. That was what life was all about. At one stage the sun came out and the water glittered like diamonds. It was so beautiful my eyes filled with tears. I found myself murmuring, thank you, God, that I should have such a life and get to do these things. It felt as though I was floating in infinity, just me and the waves and the glittering sunlight.
I almost didn't want to go in - but only partly becuase then my favourite swim would be over. There was also the absolute bitch of a southerly side-sweep to contend with. I felt as though I was inching toward my sight markers; first the lifesaving club roof, then the bathing boxes. They were pretty but I could have cared less. Finally I could see the finish banner. The current kept trying to pull me away from it but I kept on reaching and rolling and catching and kicking until my hand touched the sand. Done.

*grins*

As simple as that.

More anon, blessing-counters!

Lucky

I get to swim 4km in the sea this morning :)
I CANNOT TELL YOU how much I have been looking forward to this.
Training schmaining, prepared schmepared. I won't swim my best time, but I'll HAVE the BEST TIME.
*grins like an idiot*
In other news, things - house settlement, moving plans/progress, J's work, end-of-year school/church stuff - are just MENTAL. But in a good way.
More anon, aquanauts