Sunday seven

1. Re: my last post. As my five faithful readers will attest, I am all for complaining as a rule but lately I have been getting totally bogged down in my own whingeing. I have been tangled almost to a standstill in my own doubts and pains and struggles - hence my 'ignore it and it will go away' strategy. I will keep you posted.
2. a self-limiting rehab exercise program* is mind-bending. It's really really hard not to worry all the time or to get a bit obsessed about missing a day of stretching/strength/core. Progress is excruciatingly slow and difficult to maintain a focus on. I have been able to wear wedges to work a few times though! Seriously, apart from, you know, missing Goofy and not being able to walk without pain or exercise pretty much at all for three months, yes apart from those small things, the worst thing about this injury is not being able to wear heels. I know: Me = Shallow. It's very difficult to Sweep About The Place Fabulously in flat mary janes!
3. I didn't realise how much I enjoy a nice sweaty McSweatfest mmmm cardio until I couldn't do it. I've realised that running and cycling/the bike trainer are some of the very few activities Noddie can't/won't interrupt. A marathon is 42.2km of peace and quiet.
4. I am really struggling with Noddie's behaviour at the moment. The urge to dive into the chardy to make the feelings of helplessness and anger Just Go Away is strong, but I am keeping things within civilised limits most of the time
5. I've recently read Julie and Julia and it is ruining my life. In the last week alone I have made my very first cheesecake, a successful banana cake (!!!), home-made singapore noodles with crumbed tofu and a pumpkin and prawn risotto 35 minutes of stirring, anyone?. I'm consulting Nigella almost daily. What has happened to me?
6. I think I might go a bit Steampunk this winter.I am lusting after this coat. But then again I am bidding on these (a pair of them. Not just one). My town needs me to wear these! (Really. You haven't been here).7. I want to do the Gold Coast Marathon on the first weekend of July this year. There. I said it. It's out now. I don't know whether the rehab will happen fast enough for me to rack up the ks, but that's what I want.

More anon, galloping gourmets!

*weak core muscles = wobbly hip = leg torsion = actually feeling foot tearing as I run or ride ewwww. If I don't get it right I literally cannot overdo it.

Don't say it

This was originally a completely different post about how I don't wanna (engage in any disciplined, goal oriented behaviour, basically). Be grateful my trembling finger never connected with the 'publish' button - it was a sooky la-la whingefest to horrify even the most hardened of my five faithful readers. But not on the internet = never happened. Phew!
I recently read Marshall Ulrich's book Running On Empty, which I found much more interesting and moving than I expected. In it he tells the story of a gifted young Russian mountaineer who was cut from his nation's Everest Team for commenting, once, that his hands were cold. Later in the book Ulrich comes back to the story and makes the point that the way you get strong and attain your goals is by refusing to give attention to your own moods and complaints. Focussing on what's wrong uses energy that you need for other things. Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it. Can't do anything about it? Ignore it - becuase option b is giving up. Mind you he ignored injuries and pain to a level that is completely bonkers and also quite dangerous, but essentially I like his thinking. Mojo schmojo. Motivation? A luxury.
I want to be strong.
I want to have lots of energy.
I want to be able to run a long way.
I want to do more marathons and triathlons and be that person everyone at work thinks is a bit odd but who has happy animated conversations about running and triathlon with other odd people.
I know what to do to get what I want. I'm writing this sitting on the verandah looking at the rain pouring down so hard I can barely see across the road, but I do know what to do.
More anon, super-soppers!

the best thing

about everyone in the family having a yucky achy sore-headed exhausted lurgi is that now I can be sure that a)I'm not just lazy with no mojo and b)it's not the chronic fatigue coming back. It's interfering with the rebuilding of my fitness, but that's temporary.
More anon - when I get the unbelievably cranky Noddie off to bad later I may indulge in some utter soppiness about the Spousal Unit, to whom I have now been happily married for 12 years and one day. He's a top bloke and I love him to bits.

up and down and up and down

Some days I'm all, ok, let's DO IT!! yeah!! and some days I'm dragging myself around like I'm made of lead, missing workouts and sleeping like a brick. This starting from (well behind) scratch thingo is haaaaaaardddd. Good thing I am PATIENT, CHEERFUL and OPTIMISTIC, yes?
Now I must stop wasting my precious last weekday off before my placement starts - SO EXCITED about that! but also very scared of how rushed I will be - and take 2 of our three computers to the shop to discuss why they have mysteriously stopped playing dvds (the pc) and working at all (the big laptop). I can't be expected to do a bike workout without anything to watch! Well really.
More anon, dazzlers!

Good stuff

- spending a WHOLE HOUR hour ON MY FEET sweating (walk/running) with NO soreness next day. There were times in January when I said to the Spousal Unit that I didn't believe I would ever run again, let alone aim for another marathon one day. I could just about cry with joy thinking about this.
- not whacking myself on the noggin with 'I used to be able to...'
- appreciating the small gains for what they are - 10 pushups at a time instead of eight! Yay!
- realising that I'd lost my purse arrgghh, remembering I'd probably left it at McDonalds when I got a coffee the day before oh no!, then finding that someone had handed it in. Yay! People are great.
- realising that I do not want to be the sort of person who rants about rude unhelpful phone companies on effbee before I did it
- working out how to close our cash passport from our holiday. I am so clever.
- getting up the nerve to ask favours from the scary exec managers of clinical services and allied health. I am so brave.
- remembering that even the ability to feel happiness is a gift that we take for granted. I AM SO LUCKY.
More anon, super-troupers!

You are getting sleepy....

It appears that here at Chateau LBTEPA we have been either bitten by tsetse flies or annoyed a wicked fairy. Since I got back on the exercise horse I could sleep for Australia, 8+ hours at night, zzzz-ing through the alarm and nana nap events included. But I'm sticking with it. Luckily I've been able to squish in workouts in the evenings. When my placements start and I'm working 5 days a week I will be renewing my relationship with 05.45 and I'm not looking forward to it. We've never got on.
So far the Great Habit Overhaul - which may be confusing to my five faithful readers since I believe I have forgotten to mention it here, apologies - has had less than stellar results. To be entirely truthful, which is of course the LBTEPA way, my birthday party on Friday was a food-and-drink fest so epic that it will be spoken of in awe-struck tones for generations. Everyone had a good time - I certainly did - but my body spent the weekend mumbling huh? what? I thought we were getting back in shape? Oh well. These things happen.
Now it's time to bite the bullet, knuckle down and give sustainable behaviour a crack. I've officially gained 10kg since I met the Spousal Unit, which while of course not diminishing my awesome fabulousness in any way, is not a trajectory that aligns with my long-term (Mad Old Lady Doing Awesome Things) plan.
Yeah yeah yeah you say, *smothering a yawn* we've heard THAT before........and you have, too. I don't know why This Time Will Be Different - and maybe it won't - but as the lovely DG's husband Dr G said, you only have two choices:
1. Try your hardest and give it a red hot go, or
2. Give up!
Has to be Choice #1 really.
I am starting to feel stronger, physically and also in terms of remembering not to mindlessly scoff food that I don't particularly want (hello after-dinner Cadbury Roses!). I'm starting to think of my core/weights sessions as just something I do rather than in a desperate/sad Must Do This It Will Fix My Foot way. I even got out the bike trainer yesterday and had a nice sweaty workout watching Normann beat Macca in 2006, but my foot is a bit niggly this morning so I might have overdone it *makes sad face*
So the year is six weeks old. My favourite thing about 2012 so far is what a good mood I'm in pretty much all the time. It makes me realise how much of the last couple of years I spent in a grit your teeth and grind your way through it state of mind. Cheerful is much nicer. Next project: make it last!
How's your year going? What have you been up to that is adding lustre to your fabulous life?
More anon, ducklings!

45 degrees

Two days from now trumpets will ring from the ramparts of Schloss LBTEPA to celebrate my forty-fifth birthday and I have to say I. Am. Not. Pleased. Forty five is such a dour-sounding number, and completely foreign to the prevailing zeitgeist of energy and optimism! Forty-five...forty-five...forty five. No. Don't care for it.
The other day I indulged in a moment of oh my gosh I'm forty-five that's MIDDLE AGED and what have I done with my life? Then I thought, what have I done with my life in the last five years?
- travelled to Vanuatu and the US
- finished 5 marathons and some half marathons
- had my ankle reconstructed, sinuses re-bored, depression and pneumonia
- finished my honours and almost finished my masters in psychology
- made the big move to the country
- stayed married to the wonderful J, done my best with my dear Noddie and made some wonderful friends
- started to establish a career in my chosen profession
When you put it like that, that's not too shabby really! Yay!
The more eagle-eyed of you will have noticed that in 2012 I AM-------------------------->
PATIENT
CHEERFUL
OPTIMISTIC
I really do need to practice these things, otherwise this rehab would be doing my head in. I do core and strength sessions on alternate days. I walk/run or swim nearly every day. The walk/run is walk for 5 minutes, run 100 steps, for 40 minutes. I 'went long' on Saturday hahahahahaha - yes a whole hour! Go me! Knowing when I've overdone things is pretty straightforward too - it only takes two or three steps with poor biomechanics (= poor core/hip control) for my foot to literally start to tear ow ow ow. Stabbing with broken glass anyone? So far there's only been one day when I've abandoned an outing and sulked home. I am patient, I am cheerful, I am optimistic......I'm off to work out how much casual birthday barbie food to buy for 25 people.
More anon, champers at the bit!

Come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab

While we were travelling I wrote some notes in the back of the Trip Diary what? you don't keep a Trip Diary? How else would I ever remember IDREAMOFJEANNIE lane in Cocoa Beach, or the letterboxes shaped like giant fish? about What I Will Do When I Get Home.
- muesli for breakfast
- core or strength workouts daily
- haven't got time to stretch, haven't got time to run
- walk/run or swim every day.
When I wrote them they were a wish list. A wow I wish I was the kind of person who could do that stuff thing. I don't mind admitting I went away feeling very down, very weak and a bit hopeless. Well no S#$& Sherlock, say my five faithful readers. I couldn't see myself as being an athlete, so the idea of doing stuff that athletes do was incomprehensible.
But over the month we were away I left that feeling behind somewhere - possibly in the Disney World gift shop with my cool sunnies. Darn it. I liked them.
By the time we left Kona - did I mention we stayed in KONA? On ALI'I DRIVE??? Squeee! - I was fired up again!
Kona is fabulous - it's an athlete's town, for sure, but a paradise for fanciers of coffee, icecream and beer as well. You should go there at once. Really.

Very good beer.

Kailua bay, full of clear warm water, coral, beautiful fish and hot blokes swimming really fast.

Now we're home, the feeling has lasted! I feel energised and optimistic. So far I've stuck to the WIWDWIGH list and I'm feeling good. I'm feeling stronger already, which is the best feeling in the world. While we were away Noddie decided she wants to be a vegetarian and I have been supporting her with that (although I eat fish); maybe that change is contributing to my happy mood? I don't know and I don't really care. I'm riding this wave while it lasts! I know this year will be busy what with finishing two placements and writing The Thesis aarrgghh but I have a feeling that it will bring lots of good things too.
I do have a Secret Crazy Goal as well (OF COURSE), but more on that later.What are YOU looking forward to this year?
More anon, lion dancers!

Orrighty

As soon as I finish this cup of tea, Operation "I know there's an athlete in here somewhere" will commence!
More anon, yellow brick road followers!

I was right

Team LBTEPA's Big US Trip continues apace. We have swum with manatees - the most wonderful experience! - and eaten Key Lime pie in Key West, which is an absolutely top place. You should go there as soon as possible. Tomorrow we go snorkelling in Marathon Key - how could I resist? - then maybe a day trip to Miami (better get myself a white jacket and some reflecting shades), then off to Cape Kennedy for some rocket science. After that we are Kona-bound, for snorkelling and volcanoes and a run along Ali'i drive (I hope)!
I was right. It did absolutely break my heart to walk around Disney World and see all the runners with their Goofy medals. I didn't begrudge them their bling for one second - I know how hard you have to work to even think about Goofy - I was just so sad that I would never get one. I'd consoled myself that I might at least walk through the magic castle but when I got there it was blocked off. I don't like to upset the Spousal Unit and Noddie so I went and looked at the moat and pretended I had something in my eyes. I sat next to a Goofy runner on the bus back to the airport and I ended up telling her my sad tale; she asked had I been along to watch any of the races and then interrupted herself, no, you wouldn't have, it would be much too sad.
Four days later my heart is still broken but at least the sharp pieces aren't stabbing me every time I think about The Big Dream That Died.
On that note: today in Key West, we walked and walked and walked for five hours (it's a brilliant place, you should go there Straight Away) and MY FOOT DIDN'T HURT. For the first time since October I spent an entire day without feeling as though there was a piece of glass in my shoe. This is A Good Thing. A Very Very Good Thing.
More anon, buccaneers!

Goofy times

Travelling update: Disney World is INSANE (but in a pretty and very well-ke pt way). The stage shows and 3D shows are BRILLIANT. The place we are staying is comfortable and friendly and fun and there's plenty of more than acceptable food. We've overcome our confusion at the upside down light switches and the sweet bread and have learned to speak very slowly and clearly so people can understand our exotic foreign accents. Despite being cross-eyed with tiredness after flying from Honolulu via Denver, we went to the Magic Kingdom the first night we were here to see the parade and the fireworks. It was magic. So beautiful. We're going back in daylight tomorrow to hit some more rides (and quite probably buy another t-shirt).
It's very very hard to be around people wearing Donald Duck medals (for the half) here, and I expect it will be harder tomorrow when I see people with all three of the Goofy medals, but I am, as always, keeping the old LBTEPA chin up, riding the heck out of roller coasters with Noddie, and refraining from eating chips.More anon, bigears!

My bad

as the young'uns would say.
I have been a slack, slack blogger, but in my defence I have been busy - since last I wrote I have
- hosted Christmas lunch
- spent time wth my brother, s-i-l and 3yo nephew down for the holidays
- thrown a 50th barbecue for the Spousal Unit. Happy birthdy darl!
- found an eleventh-hour house-sitter (phew!)
- finished up work for the year
- cleaned the house to within an inch of its life
- packed for the three of us to go away for a month
- made the #$%! cash card work by sheer force of will
- celebrated new year's eve with friends in Melbourne
- started the new year with a swim and ended it 38 hours later IN HONOLULU
- sipped tea and looked out over Honoluu from our 36th floor balcony
- visited Pearl Harbour, Waikiki Beach, Iolani Palace, and the Bishop museum
- eaten my bodyweight in Korean food, sent 10 post cards and bought far too many t-shirts
In addition to this, I have come up with the theme for 2012. If I was the type for retrospectives I would have to sum up 2011 as the year of wallowing. A bunch of mild-to-moderately crap stuff happened, certainly. My foot is nowhere near better. But things got me down. I got very very down. After my foot got hurt I Just Gave Up.
Well NO MORE. I will continue with the strength/core work. If swimming is what I can do then I will swim. I will get better. I am dreaming of a slow 100m on Ali'i drive in two weeks' time but it doesn't seem at all likely. A walk might have to suffice. Cross your fingers for me.
So the theme?
2012 is hereby THE YEAR OF NOT WALLOWING.
And not eating chips.
We are about to get the shuttle bus to the airport to catch the redeye to Florida via Denver so I'd better go.
More anon, gallivanters!

To my five faithful readers

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Wonderful

The most wonderful thing happened the other day. I woke up one morning and I'd stopped feeling ashamed of my body. Yes! After 30+ years of wrestling with self-shame, self-blame and not good enough, I finally accept my whole self. I cannot believe how nice it is to see my belly in the mirror and not judge myself for it. Harsh thoughts do flit along from time to time, of course, but now I notice them and think, oh yes, I used to buy into that s#$*. I don't struggle with them any more. I just let them be and they get bored and slink off.
It's a strange time for this to happen, being as I'm at my heaviest ever and unfittest for years. But it's good. Being kind to oneself is so restful! It means I can buy a couple of one-size-larger t-shirts for my holiday so I'll look nice and be comfortable, without self-judgement or justification. I look at my slightly-too-small clothes now and feel mildly irritated that my outfit choices are more limited than is completely convenient, rather than diving into the I am such a lazy loser pool and having a good splash.
But how did this happen? you ask, (as well you might). I've been actively challenging my thoughts about size for quite a while, since I realised that nearly every day began with an upended bucket of harsh as I stood on the scales or saw myself as I dressed. This is not how I want to live. Nor is successful weight-control = personal worth an attitude I wish to pass on to my beautiful Noddie.
Initially I was much more successful at changing my thoughts about others than those about myself. I recall my physio commenting that my podiatrist could stand to lose some weight. Could he? I asked. Hadn't you noticed? he said. My reply was, I don't look at people that way - and I was happy to realise that this was true.
I was determined to cultivate a more peaceful and loving way of being. I kept noticing my self-critical, self-hating thoughts and allowing them to pass. I kept being kind to myself and reading great blogs and thinking new thoughts that were in line with my values.
And then one day I woke up and I knew that I was completely ok.
I don't think this means I will never actively seek to lose weight again. The habits that led to this weight gain are not particularly conducive to good long-term health , nor are they compatible with endurance sport. But the difference now is that regardless of what happens as a result of my efforts or where I am in the change process, I will not be ashamed. I will never "fail". I will always be good enough, no matter what.
And so will you.
Merry Christmas, darls!

We were in the travel agent yesterday becuase we're GOING TO AMERICA IN TWO WEEKS OH MY GOODNESS HOW EXCITING! The agent has just come back from Disney World so was telling us all about how sensational it is and which rides we NEED to go on (Noddie and I are complete ride-heads so we are MADLY excited). Then she gave us a brochure with a map and photos of the Magic Castle and I thought I won't be running through there and I could have just laid my head down on the desk and howled. But I didn't. And the bright pink (Noddie's) and bright red (mine) suede passport covers (with diamantes!) have arrived and I've worked out how to transform dvd files into avi files so we can watch them on the new teeny laptop. So all is well.
But if ONE MORE PERSON says but you'll be able to do it another year or there are other races or you're still going to America anyway, aren't you?, I'll, I'll just....I'll just hang my head and say, that's true. You're right.
In other news: I have heaved myself off the Couch o' Self-Pity and been doing a bit of cycling out in the fresh air and sunshine. I've really enjoyed it, but every time I go my stupid foot gets horribly painful and takes 2-3 days to settle down again. Bloody upsetting. I've belatedly realised that riding a bike on the road is biomechanically completely different from working out on the bike trainer HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, so it's back to watching other people run while I spin away indoors. This trial-and-error method of rehab is doing my head in. My physio seems to be a great diagnostician but really crap at treatment. He just told me to 'strengthen my core' (umm, HOW?) and 'let pain be your guide' to returning to running. This is NOT as specific a set of decision criteria as I would normally use. He said he doesn't need to see me any more and that it's up to me and the podiatrist from now on. WHAT? I do not feel confident about managing this on my own yet. I worry all the time that what I'm doing is a waste of time, or even making things worse.
But you know what? Now that I've realised that this feeling of not knowing what to do and having no-one to help or guide me is part of the deep sadness of this whole situation, I can start to dig my way out of this pit. I've pinched a core/strength program from the mighty Erin and modified it so I can do it most days. I've been swimming, and my poor bike Minerva is back on the trainer in the study. It doesn't matter if I feel worried or lost. I CAN DO THIS.
Now must be off and start making another Christmas cake because the one I made last week was of such a magnificent melting richness that we have already eaten a fair bit of it.
More anon, yuletiders!

Truthful

Since I saw you last I have completed
3x sessions of stretching/core exercises
1x swim
2x bike rides, although my foot hurts after them which is a worry.
1x 2km walk with no foot pain. 2 whole kilometres. How the mighty fall, eh?
Daily epic battles with don't wanna and maybe later and how did I get so weak so quickly, this is awful why don't I just stop? So far it's LBTEPA 3, bleating 0.
No sense of "I'm baaaack, baby!" as yet, although I live in hope. I've noticed that the nice feeling of permanent slight muscle fatigue has returned. Progress is progress.

I've sort of been feeling as though I should apologise to my five faithful readers for all the bleating of the last few weeks. I do know that it's not really 'serious' or the end of the world that I can't do Goofy. We're going to Disney World and swimming with manatees and looking at volcanoes, for heaven's sake! But the other day I read a Woody Allen quote where he said I don't get angry, I internalise it and grow a tumour and I thought, that's why I have my blog. Sometimes I need to write stuff down to see its shape and to put it in a space outside my head. I like having lots of readers and comments and so on, but if I have to choose between that and writing something I need to write, well sorry darls and do pop by when you're next in town. This is where I practice being kind to myself, so I can do it on the hop out in the real world when I'm failing at being perfect.
Anyway just wanted to say that.
This afternoon is the tri club Christmas barbie. I haven't raced all season of course. I have been really dreading showing up to anything, all lardy and slow as always but without Goofy awesomeness to protect me. I'm still going. Fear is not a reason to pike.

More anon, sweaters!

It wasn't yesterday; it was three days ago. But this time I mean it. I do.
It's so hard though. Much harder than I remember.
I just must keep reminding myself that I've done this before. Climbing over flab and weakness and inertia and doubt is always miserable in the beginning.

I will post on Tuesday with a truthful report.
More anon, scriveners!

Not so bad in the grand scheme of things

SCENE: a physiotherapist's treatment room
LBTEPA: soooo (feigning unconcern)...roughly how long do these things usually take to resolve?
(a pause ensues, during which LBTEPA wishes she hadn't asked)
Physio: well it's one of those how long is a piece of string things, but usually between four and six months. Sometimes a lot longer.
LBTEPA: Oh.

Thinks: Ohhhhh-kaaaay......Right. Jolly good.
Thinks: I. NEED. BUBBLES.
Thinks: I'm sad

SOME TIME LATER:
Thinks: Righto. Time to HTFU and get in the stupid pool.
Thinks: I'm sad

More anon, adventurers!

Yay

Rehab instructions:
- lie on back
- activate core muscles BUT NOT ABS no no noooo that's what people with WEAK cores do
1. raise bent knee slightly x10
2. raise straight leg slightly x10
3. with knees together and both feet on floor, raise buttocks slightly x10
- repeat x 2/daily x 2 weeks
- consciously activate core with every single step you take feel unco-ordinated and tired
- wear flat mary-jane shoes all the time becuase they'll hold your orthotics feel frumpy, also shallow: so many people have far worse problems than missing their pretty shoes
- be constantly aware how unbalanced and painful it still is to walk feel disheartened
- hope to goodness you'll be ok to walk around disneyworld four weeks from now feel worried
- wonder if there's any point booking accommodation for Gold Coast next year feel sad
- pretend you're not bothered. There are Christmas-happy tap-dancing kids and blokes with broken ribs to look after!* Plannning and wrapping and preparing and packing to be done! Insouciance-R-Us! Yay!
- remember that mince pies fix everything

mmmmmm........... mince pies...............

more anon, yuletiders!
*J barrel-rolled his go-kart last Sunday. Can anyone say LUCKY BLOODY ESCAPE? I have asked him to not do it again, or at least wait until I am not watching.

Lost in space

Apart from the rehab exercises, I haven't broken a sweat in, ummm... counts under breath five days. I don't feel like it. I don't even miss it. I feel odd - not bad or unhappy or anything, just a bit numb and lost. As though I'm floating. Ridiculous self-indulgence is all it is. I need a bloody good smack upside of the head. Count your damn blessings and get off your sorry arse, woman!
And another thing - we're going to America in four weeks (!!!!) and I'm not that excited. Mild interest about sums it up. I don't think I actually believe it. Any of it. I really do need a good smack upside of the head.