Beautiful

The surgeon is happy because the scar/swelling etc is all looking 'beautiful' (hmmm wonder what Mrs Surgeon looks like). It's kind of diagonally under the ankle bone - not where I thought it was, and a bit bigger than I expected.
I'm happy because my new fibreglass cast is much more solid, snug, and comfortable than the plaster. 5 more weeks, then when I return to see the surgeon I have to bring a shoe to wear home.
*And Jenny, I'm going to wear these.

Honestly Jeanne, I have barely moved this week. It's not far from the couch to the kettle.

Storm in a teacup

So the damn cast gets looser and looser and I lose my footing and trip and twist my foot inside the cast and it hurts like absolute #$%!! all day.
sh*t
sh*t
sh*t
sh*t
(that looks quite pretty with all those dear little asterisks, doesn't it?)

Off to bed now. Not so cranky tomorrow. It will be all better in the morning.
WEDNESDAY: I rang the surgeon's office. I'm seeing him tomorrow. That's good.

day 5 on planet hoppy

Feeling well enough to think about picking up my knitting needles today; have also learned an extraordinary amount about termites from an SBS documentary so I will be well prepared if ever stuck in the desert without antibacterial agents. I also learned how to pronounce chitin (the stuff insect exoskeletons are made of), which pleased me. Hey, it's my life.
I have been watching the live feed from Ironman Coeur d'Alene. I am utterly enamoured of that stuff. I get all teary when people run across the line with their kids or their parents. People who have had the guts to dream big and go after it - they put goosebumps on my arms. I want to be like them.
Speaking of which, pop over to Iron Benny's and Wil's blogs RIGHT NOW and congratulate them on their races this weekend.

For the first three days I was home from hospital I read back-to-back recovery-from-medical-disaster memoirs; suddenly I went utterly off that genre and have gingerly picked up Slow Fat Triathlete. That and some crappy detective stories should do the trick. A little bit of inspiration and some mind candy. I think it'll be a while before I feel like this, or this. Plenty of time.
What do you read to inspire you?

Hoppity

It seems my clever strategy of writing "NOT THIS FOOT!" on my good ankle was successful.

The surgeon reattached the ligament and removed a floating piece of bone (ewwww). No fusion or graft. Such a relief.
The first two days were absolutely f#$%ing excruciating, but everything is much better now.
Still a bit weary and dopey. My saintly Mama is staying with us and has taken Noddie on her Saturday Train Adventure as J is at work. I want to be like her when I grow up.
Plan "No dishes for me, mwahahaha!" still working well.

Thanks 100000000000000000000000000000 times for all your supportive comments and thoughts. I got all blinky when J brought them in for me to read. *wipes eyes again*
More anon, sleepyheads
oh, that's just me :)

SPOUSAL COMMENTS

Hi guys, Spousal unit here!!!!
At last access to the blog has been gained. Hours of searching for hidden passwords?? (I wish i had the patience)
NO I was given said password and strict instructions to inform everyone
of the outcome of todays surgery.
Well it goes like this:
After giving up precious hours of sleep I dropped off the good lady at
7.30am (no beds available at this time) so she gets to wait in the day surgery.
The operation went very well, it was the best case senario, where only stretching
and stitching back was required. The only minor hiccup was a 10cent piece of bone
found floating around, which was promptly removed. When I last saw the patient
she was about to self administer a dose of morphine (she said it was for the pain,
with a big grin on her face!!)
All being well she may be home tommorrow.
I certainly hope so, the dishes won't wash themselves.
Till next time we meet,
this is the spousal unit signing off!!!

Cranky for Australia!

Sche·ma
A diagrammatic representation; an outline or model.
A pattern imposed on complex reality or experience to assist in explaining it, mediate perception, or guide response.

I don't have a schema for this! I like schemas! I want a schema!
I have no idea what it will be like.
Like when I did my first half-marathon.
Or when I went into labour.
But not.
And they both worked out ok.....kind of...

I have only your wonderful support , fast healing, and a habit of optimism (I knew cultivating that would come in handy). I need nothing more. Just as well since it's all I have, no?

I am Olympic-standard cranky today. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
(In an optimistic, well supported way).


The surgeon's receptionist tells me I'm 'fifth on the list' (coo er hospital talk how flash) and I'll be 'done before lunch'. Hmmm.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back to a computer. I'll get the Spousal Unit to let you know how it goes.
Why are so many 'crutch' jokes popping into my head?


More anon, comrades.

Logic need not apply

I still cannot really get my head around the fact that I am voluntarily walking into a hospital with the intention of allowing my foot to be cut open. This makes no sense to me, yet I am still going to do it. I am deliberately subjecting myself to pain, temporary disability and significant inconvenience. What sort of nong am I? Don't answer that!
This endless wrestling match between logic and fear is quite distracting. Frontal lobes versus brain stem. Homo sapiens against australopithicus. I have been utterly unimpressed by my level of cheerful stoicism (why is there no abstract noun for frantic?), and as for moderation - all I can say is if you bear even the slightlest resemblance to a glass of wine, cheese, rice crackers or bread, then for your own safety, run, don't walk, away from me. Gentlemen may wish to look away here - it appears I am dealing with PMS as well as terror-induced loopiness. Great.
There's a wierd compulsion to do all the things I won't be able to after Thursday - swimming, walking with Noddie, hopping on a train, driving my car - although, strangely, not cleaning the bathroom or stocking up on groceries. I am over the casserole thing too, thank goodness. It struck me that if our situations were reversed, the Spousal Unit wouldn't be thinking he should clean the house from top to bottom or lay in supplies. I was acting as though I don't trust him to look after me. That's pretty disrespectful, and untrue. Understanding in my heart that I will get all the support I need has made all the difference.
Three sleeps to go.

So how's next Wednesday for you?

*
Good news! No cracks or chipped-off bits of the talus bone, just bruising!
Bad news! No lateral ligament! Only smeggy little scraps o'nothing!
I am having a reconstruction next Wednesday. The surgeon will either find the ends and stick them together, or get another bit from the back of my foot and use that to fix it all up. After the surgery I will be in plaster for six weeks then do 3-6 months of rehab before returning to full bionic-woman status.

I am speechless. Bamboozled, horrified, thunderstruck, floored.

Must. Make. Lists.
Long black and lemon tart, STAT! (strange, I don't feel better...)
Return library books.
Get new ones. Or would it be better to not get new ones as I don't know how long it will be before I can drive?
Ask surgeon how long before I can drive.
Thank heaven J hasn't sold the station wagon yet b/c all our other cars are manuals.
Go to chemist.
Try and work out what to have for lunch.What do I want for lunch? I don't know!!!
Make casseroles - yes, casseroles, that's the ticket! We need casseroles!
Slap self on head, try and get a grip.
Ring surgeon and ask questions I forgot this morning (although when I enquired how many of these procedures he'd done, he looked me in the eye and said it was his first go ever. I really had to kill him. Do. Not. Mock. Me.) **
Decide whether this is an opportunity to build character and severely cut down drinking.
Decide to decide later.
Look on bright side
- I heal fast
- Upper body workouts!
- I'll finish the rug I'm knitting
- winter is a good time to be in plaster, not too hot

Decide lists are stupid idea.
Feel sad.

*these are not my boots. They symbolise some cheerful-type positive-thinking BS
**He's actually done 2-3 ankle reconstructions a week for about ten years. JUST AS WELL

Don't try and tell Noddie...

that she's not a princess

that there's such a thing as going too fast

or that it's too cold to go into the water!

Happy Queen's Birthday :)

Reminders

A couple of things: thanks so much for all your dietary advice. I have embraced it wholeheartedly and feel much better now. Dan Murphy's also thanks you.
I am not allowed to ride my bike at all even with non-clip pedals because of the twisting out and the taking my full weight on my foot when I stop. Once I have finished this latest round of antibiotics, (and depending what the surgeon says next week, sigh ) I can get back on my exercise bike and in the pool. Oh, how I am looking forward to that....

As I float, determinedly zen-like, atop the seething sea of frustration that is my bacteria-infested, unstable-jointed, six-weeks'-wait-for-ethics-approval (W.T.F?) existence, I thought I would share some of the things I keep around me to remind me what's important. These are in a row on my study wall.

My Mum gave me this poster when I was in about year 10. It says "Rise above the ordinary". It's a bit tattered from being carted around and stuck up with pins and blu-tac all these years, but it reminds me that I can live by my ideals and follow my dreams.

This photo is of Chris Grant, former captain and game record-holder of my beloved Bulldogs. The wording is "Loyalty- we make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give".

Isn't this brilliant? It's a replica of posters displayed in London during the Blitz. I saw it on the beautiful DG's blog and had to have one. It makes me laugh and reminds me to cheer the heck up!

I also have this on my fridge, but that's neither here nor there.

What inspirational things do you keep around you?

That's Mrs Cranky to you

1.45 pm saw the surgeon
2.15 pm had xrays
2.40 saw the surgeon again
- definite ligament tear, which should have responded to treatment by now
2.45 made appointment for MRI to check out possibilities
- bruised bone?
- cracked bone?
- cracked off piece of bone?

(Short pause while LBTEPA indulges in extensive profanity)

SO
Friday night - MRI
Thursday week - surgeon again
NO
running
riding on my real bike (because of clipping out)
buying shoes and stuffing my gob with shite
YES
swimming
exercise bike
complaining

BETTER NOT TO TALK TO ME. I AM IN A VERY BAD MOOD.

More positive, solution-focused, blessing-counting stuff ANON. NOT NOW.

ABC

Another
Bloody
Cold!
I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS! I am a HEALTHY person! Germs, bugs and lurgi of any shape, size, or persuasion can just BUGGER OFF! Since the spectacular failure of project "go on, exercise while you're on antibiotics, you'll be fine!", I am resting like billy-oh - and turning into a ball of lard in the process, alas, but what can you do? NOT run a 10km on Sunday week, that's what. Meh.

I'm getting excited about the new training plan I have made up, even though I'm not sure when I'll be able to start (*sigh*). It's pretty basic - endurance ABC, if you like. Weeks one and two will be 2 runs, 2 swims and 2 cycles of 20-30 minutes each. Baby steps. Every second week I will add 5 minutes to the sessions. After 8 weeks I'll review, and start doing more targeted stuff, depending on my goal races for spring and summer. As a means of staying fired up in this exercise limbo, I've been reading Endurance Athlete's Edge and The Woman Triathlete. Chock-full of fat-free goodness, both of them. I might even buy the second one. I also finally got around to reading It's Not About the Bike - do you know, I always thought Kristin Armstrong got the rough end of the stick when they split, but now I think she may have had a lucky escape.....

As for last week's succumbing to the siren call of shoe-temptation: Katy is right, I am hopeless. I hope feeling so bad about my failure of backbone (even though I didn't end up buying anything) will innoculate me against the demon ebay for some time. I CAN manage my paltry life stresses without retail therapy. I can!
And I CAN stop eating any carbs that aren't nailed down.
And I CAN stop giving myself extra drinkies becuse I'm feeling a bit dismal. Yes I can!

We got 2 new goldfish yesterday. Noddie named hers Pish.

Surgeon tomorrow.

More anon :)

what I have learned from ebay

Alas! I was outbid! Oh well. I'm simply not prepared to pay more than $50 for a pair of shoes I haven't tried on, no matter how gorgeous they are.

Humour me here, but I think Ebay is a lot like life (see, I have moved on from when ebay was life...)
There's a lot of stuff out there - have fun looking at it!
Decide what you REALLY want.
Have a plan (you knew I'd say that).
Decide how exactly much you are prepared to give for this particular thing.
Give it everything you've got - draw the line when you reach the point where it is costing you too much.
If it doesn't work out the way you planned, there was nothing more you were prepared to do, so no reason to be unhappy. You did your best. You were true to your principles.
There will always be other red shoes.

That countdown timer is giving me the pip; it's actually 4 more sleeps until the surgeon. NOT that I am sweating on it AT ALL, nooooooooooo not me....

More anon, philosophers!

Feet of clay

I know, I know, I said no ebay for 2 months, and it's only been 4 weeks ( a huge personal best, BTW), and no shoes until I've had 25 AFDs, and it's only been 3, but who could resist these darlings?

(or these, but I actually need them and they're much cheaper direct from the US so it doesn't count).

No jokes about shoes being my achilles heel, please - far too corny (CORNY, geddit? hahahaha, gosh I'm SO funny...) I'm back on the wagon now, I promise!



I'm meeting my new thesis supervisor tomorrow.
I have decided to believe that the surgeon will do all the scans and then decide I don't need surgery after all, or
the scans will reveal I need a ligament repair rather than a full reconstruction, or
it will all go superbly well and I will heal marvellously quickly.

more anon, Imeldas!

Thawed

I've come out the other side of the frozen feeling that gripped me after Thursday's news. I couldn't work out what that feeling was - I just felt frozen and heavy and so very tired. I spent a fair bit of time just sitting down. I definitely wasn't being stoic or cheerful - sorry chaps, I just couldn't do it, I lied like a rug in my last post. Those thoughts at the end were just what I wanted to be thinking. I wasn't catastrophising or wallowing in the self-pity pool (not that there's anything wrong with that!); I was just...frozen.
Then I recognised it.
Oh f#$%, now I have to be brave again dammit.
Brave meaning stoic and organised and diligent and positive and making sure the people who love me aren't too bummed by my circumstances. Brave meaning getting my head around things and accepting them.
It's not that I didn't/don't want to do these things. I do, and I will. It's just accepting that here is really, yes, another hurdle life has thrown down that I have to jump.
Please don't think I'm claiming heroic-struggling-through-adversity status or anything. This is not life-threatening to me or my loved ones. I won't lose my livelihood. My thesis supervisor is leaving and I will be getting another one. There has been no improvement in stability or soreness after 8 weeks of diligent rehab on my ankle. It's f&%*ed. I wouldn't be surprised if it needs surgery (rest assured Jeanne, I'll be getting more than one opinion). That's all.
Of course my inner adolescent is howling in self-centred protest - why me? Not again! this isn't faaaair! Of course I am extremely dark that just when I am finally ready to lay down a solid winter of training my stupid ankle turns on me. Ok, I turned on it, but this is my reality, thankyou.
But there's no point in working myself up when I don't know anything concrete yet. It's a waste of energy. I am getting very practiced at hushing those hysterical voices so they don't wear me out.
I see the surgeon on Tuesday week and should find out about my new thesis supervisor around then too. Until then I'll just try and float along on top of it all.



Oh, and probably drink too much and complain a lot.

More anon, my ducklings!
BTW I reset my star counter to zero. It's time to cut the b#%%s*&$ . 1 AFD = 1 star. 25 stars = new shoes.

no discernible endpoint

What to say, what to say?
So I went to visit with my thesis supervisor and he told me he’s leaving in three weeks. After all the insincere oh good luck to you don’t worry we’ll sort everything out it will be fine conversation was over, hmm said I to myself, I think I’ll go for a swim.
Uni pool - closed
Off to the library
Hmmm I said to myself I don't feel like studying today, I think I’ll toddle off to my usual pool
Oooo I thought, gosh my ankle is stinging
Hey, I meant to go to the physio this week for a checkup!
Hmm said the physio as he twisted my ankle around
There’s no discernible endpoint here.......
(that’s bad)
Never fear, you can run for years and years on an ankle this unstable, as long as you tape it all the time! No worries whatsoever about the Melbourne half in October!
But what, I enquired, if you want to run every Melbourne half for the next 40 years?
Hmm said the physio
Here’s a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon. You might need a reconstruction.


......



Stoic cheerfulness being the LBTEPA way
- If there is a good time for your thesis supervisor to bugger off, this is it, as the ethics application is in but the data collection and analysis have yet to start
- a fresh perspective on the project could be the making of it
- I can still run swim and ride until this is all sorted out
- I might not have to have surgery anyway
- I have health insurance
- my ankle will end up stronger than before no matter what happens
- there’s plenty of sparkling shiraz in the rack

Stay tuned..............

Now I suppose I'll have to get one of those countdown doovers

Damn you, online entry! How many more times will I rue my impulsivity? How many days left until October 7th?

This thing has A CUTOFF TIME AT 11KM!
If I make it, I get to do a lap of the MCG!!!!!!!
I can pretend I'm Kerryn McCann.

I feel faint.

MUCH more anon, big dreamers.

Back away slowly

If I were you I'd be retreating as fast and as far as possible from the cesspit of infection that is Chez LBTEPA, spraying disinfectant as I went.
Noddie's sniffle has progressed to a fruity cough, although that didn't stop her riding her little bike all the way down our hill to the creek yesterday, and along the path and back (but not up the hill. She's not stupid). Her bike has trainer wheels; I fear what will happen when they come off because I already had to run to keep up with her! She's such a game little thing - after we got home she flaked it on the couch for a good hour.
J has a nasty cold which of course means he thinks he can loll about watching TV while grunting monosyllables, and I have a stupid infection requiring antibiotics. After I finish this post I'm off to G00gle whether I should be training this week. I usually follow the "above the neck" rule but I don't know how that goes with antibiotics... It's a good thing we are all healthy and recover quickly.

You would really be far better off nipping over to visit geekgirl, Simlin and Nancy and congratulate them on their great races this weekend!! Well done all of you!

In closing, I'd just like to say WOOF WOOF WOOF!

more anon, diehards

Sniffly Saturday

Noddie has had the sniffles and a cough the last couple of days so we have put in some solid sessions of Playschool in front of the new heater - the latter, BTW, which has usurped my electric blanket as one of my top three favourite things in the house, along with my mp3 cause it makes me run, and the computer because that's where all my friends live. I never said I wasn't fickle.
I am steadfastly defying any viral invasion with echinacea, patented cold remedies, vitamin C, plenty of water and sleep, and exercising as though The Schedule was the Gospel. So far so good.
Just wanted to share a really nice moment with you - I was running this morning (oh how casually she writes that!) when the sun came up, and I was all washed in gold! My elongated shadow was my playmate in that fiery, gorgeous world. It was a moment of joy and it's made me smile all day.
I'd best be orf - it's playdough time, woo hoo! I might let Noddie have a go later.
More anon, strivers :)

Make 'em laugh

How to make people laugh
- overdo it on the bike in February
- rehab shins, calves and achilles in March
- sprain your ankle really thoroughly in April
- rehab that
- run twice in 10 days as your only preparation for a hilly two-loop 8km
- forget your 5/2 run/walk plan; run all the way!
- walk around again with your kid
- imbibe injudiciously most of the afternoon
- sit down at your desk most of the next day
- attempt to walk down stairs while people are watching
Voila - helpless giggles from the assembled throng!

Maaaaaaaaate........
Ow ow ow ow
I haven't felt this much of a dill since....um....
But....
I don't care! It was a SPLENDID day! And after the bike last night and the pool this morning I am much better! And my medal is in my pocket because it makes me feel happy!

Does swimming in the morning make you hungry? It's not long since lunch and I could gnaw my own arm off.

more anon, carb-cravers!