Bad mother

I wouldn't know, of course, but I expect a good mother probably enjoys being with her screaming arguing crying child and lots of good mothers with flattering haircuts and seventeen of their screaming arguing crying (but nowhere near as awful) children at a 5th birthday party with no grown-up food (or drink) at her friend's large spotless house. A good mother's house is never such a squalid hovel that the only solution after coming home from her friends' large spotless house is to burn said hovel - and the mulcher in the living room (I kid you not) - to the ground. While being screamed at and kicked attempting to remove a prickle from her child's foot, she never COMPLETELY loses her temper and smacks said child really hard, then spends the rest of the day hating herself. She's written her Christmas letter, done her tax for the last two years and does not gaze with longing at the chardy at 3pm, wishing it was 5.59. Nor is her solitary ray of happiness (apart from a morning swim) the beautiful effectiveness of her new bagless vacuum cleaner. She can think of something other than pizza for dinner, and no doubt sleeps well too. As I said, I wouldn't know.
Today is a new day THANK YOU GOD. Baked-bean jaffles and tea are my friends. After Sunday school we'll have a practice on the birthday bike and paint Noddie's new bed, then Daddy will come home from work and we'll put up the Christmas tree. Or maybe they can put up the tree and I'll go for a ride...or do the tax...or write the Christmas letter....
More anon, temporary teetotallers.

It didn't rain

Race report: Gatorade 1 St Kilda
Distance: 2km run (subbed for swim)/20km/5km
Time: 1.45.39
Rating: Happy
I started writing a longish race report about how this was all so slapdash and underprepared compared with last year but still fun etc etc but it was sooo very boring I nearly nodded off. Here is the short version. No need to thank me, I'm here to help.
Night before: lots of rain and wind and oh crap it’s 8am, my wave starts at 8.10 and I’m still at home dreams.
Race day: windy, my word it was windy. But not raining. Phew. Warmer than expected; bag of extra clothes unnecessary (although a warm jersey on the bike made this cold la-la feel good). Panic! Friends who picked up my race packet lost it! Thankyou organisers for making all well. Phew again. Run/ride/run: so not my forte – after 500 m I was 100m behind the pack with all my mates, ahem. Sigh.
T1 – almost forgot to put my bike shoes on!
Riding into that #$%&!!$! wind made me grateful for every single winter ride I did and every single gear Minerva possesses, and that’s enough about that (except for the gusts blowing me sideways – however did the skinnyfasts stay on?). Mantra: stupid song turn ‘em over turn ‘em over turn ‘em o-o-ver. You're glad you weren’t there, trust me.
T2: another record for slowness, how do I do it?
Run: oh my, doesn’t that old familiar lead-legged stumble take you back? Still, there was the fearsome headwind as a distraction. So nice looking forward to the turnaround. Mantra: stupid song pick ‘em up, pick em up turn ‘em o-o-ver…don’t knock it, it worked for me.
Huge thing: I ran all the way without stopping. Very proud of that *beams*.
The last km I took everything I learned at the Gold Coast half and ran as hard as I could, harder than I thought I could, my legs were hurting and I was gasping but I wasn’t going to die and I wasn’t going to stop either. This is new for me. It’s kind of fun in a strange way. Finishing a la Wes is so fun too – put your hands in the air like you just don’t care and give that chute what for!
Nutrition Plan all hail the mighty nutrition plan: Nailed It.*
Bling: yep. 2nd place Athena

Tip for beginners: noting the name of street where you parked avoids riding about aimlessly wondering whether your car has been stolen.
After lunch we took Noddie to the park to practice on her new bike. Sprints anyone? Oh my poor legs....

More anon, sleepyheads
*Nutrition Plan: Pre race- banana and cuppa. Liquid breakfast an hour prior. Gel at start. Bike: full bottle of endura. Run: gel at first water station. Gatorade afterward. KFC for luch. What?

Weather report

Mum took Dad home yesterday to continue his recovery. Such a relief for them.
I was lucky enough to bump into a fellow blogger who works at the hospital - thanks for your kind words Linda, it was so nice to see you *mwah*

Now, if I may, I draw your attention to this:
Melbourne Current Conditions

• Current temp: 11.2°C
• Recorded min: 8°C
• Recorded max: 15°C
• Feels like: 9.0°C

• Humidity: 74%
• Rainfall since 9am: 7.0mm
• Wind: SSW 59km/h
• Wind gusts: 85km/h

Sunday - Rain
Min: 11°C Max: 17°C

For my non-celsius readers, that's stupidly f#$%ing cold and windy and bloody wet. Just BTW: hello? did anyone realise this is November? and SUMMER starts in 8 days? Sheesh.
I was just sitting in the living room watching hailstones the size of peas smash against the window, and I was secretly very glad that tomorrow's triathlon season-opener has had the swim cancelled. I'd have been ok, because I am LBTEPA who Fears Not The Waves hahahaha, but riding and running in the wet and cold is so much more pleasant if you don't start off soaked and freezing, don't you think?*
And I get to race - did I mention that? I GET TO RACE!!

More anon, stalwarts!
* How do you like my (utterly false) insouciance? Convincing?

Once upon a time....

....there was a princess called Noddie. It was her birthday. She was FIVE!!
After that, lots and lots (maybe even twenty!) aunts and uncles and Mummy and Daddy's friends came over and everyone had a good time. The End.

More anon, party people!

Phew

My parents live about 300km from Melbourne. Last night the phone rang at 10.20pm. It was my Mum, saying my Dad had been airlifted to the Alfred Hospital and was in the trauma centre with a fractured skull and bleeding on the brain after being struck by the boom of another yacht during a race yesterday. Mum had to organise some things and wouldn't be coming down until today. I went to the hospital straight away, arriving at about 11pm. My sister C came in at about 1am and we sat with Dad until morning, holding his hand and talking to him. Even though he was unconscious most of the time, drifting in and out, we just wanted someone he knew to be there. When he finally did awake, he was very disoriented but could recognise us and move all his limbs, which the nurses and registrars told us was a good sign. C went home to her place to meet Mum and bring her into the hospital. I stayed with Dad, who was getting more responsive and restless. After a while my brothers arrived, and then Mum and C. The neurologist told us that the bleeding and swelling were minor and that Dad would require a lot of rest to allow the fractures to heal. No surgery. Very strong likelihood of a full recovery. Phew.

I got home at 2pm and had a short nap before Noddie's kinder concert. Now we are preparing for her (somewhat pared-down) birthday party tomorrow. We've got to stop inviting everyone we know to these things. I'm feeling a bit shaken and very tired, but so very thankful.

The reason why*

Can I be blunt? This winter was a bit of a pain.
I was sick. I ran sick. I got sick in Queensland. I got sick at my old job. I started my new, terrific, stressful job and got sick again. Noddie went to kinder and got sick and the Spousal Unit went to work and got sick and I got sick again.
I found out you can train like it was your job and run your heart out but sometimes it’s just not your day. I found out you can’t outrun or outride severe bronchitis. I found out (again) that some things cannot be toughed out. I found out I’ve been paying a lot of money to wear shoes made for lapsed-arched pronators when I’m a high-arched supinator. I found out that I had severely underestimated my quite astonishing capacity for self-pity and whining.
I didn’t do anything I wanted to. I didn’t run a full marathon or the Melbourne half. I didn't set a PB at the Gold Coast. I didn’t ride the Bay in a Day. I didn’t give up drinking. I didn’t lose lots of weight. I didn’t train consistently. I didn’t bravely rise above it all and set a good example to inspire others.
I whinged. I bitched. I grizzled and moaned and carried on and cried and wallowed. I got fed up. I threw my hands up. I arked up. I jacked up, I gave up. And then I got up.
I learned stuff this winter. I learned to run hard. I learned to suck it up and cheer for others doing what I wished I was doing. I learned about disappointment, and I learned about friendship.
I ran 6km non-stop today. I got an interview for the very competitive Masters in Clinical Psych that I really want to do next year. It's Noddie's birthday on Tuesday, and let me assure you that her Princess party will be spoken of with awe down the ages.
And you know what? Next weekend, I GET TO RACE.

I GET TO RACE.

More anon, blissful grinners
*The wonderful Lisa wrote a very thought-provoking post on this recently. Thgnks for the insight my friend

Spelling

Can I send a big *raspberry* to people who don’t get hayfever? I hate you all.
Really over ‘ladyproblems’ and the way they f#$% with my moods.
Also Noddie isn’t sleeping well = I’m up three times a night. Sigh.
Not drinking or eating too much though, hurrah.
Kindness is the key – to others and myself. Work, love, exercise, laugh! And not whinge
You all have a lovely weekend *blows kiss to the world*more anon, mood elevators!

Whingeing my way to success

I was just looking at the distance tallies in my sidebar

Jul - Swim none Bike 80KM Run 29km stupid #$%$!!*&! bronchitis
Aug - S4800m B358KM R 35KM clearly still thought I might be able to manage the Bay Ride hahahahaha
Sep - S4400m B103KM R22KM
Oct - S10000m B 161KM R 55KM
Nov (to date) - S3000m B48km R 19km
More anon, pluggers-away!

how to have a good weekend

Saturday morning
- drink tea, eat toast, feed Noddie toast
- do washing, empty dishwasher, clean kitchen etc
- go for a run. Feel as though balance and endurance might slowly slowly be returning
- watch Noddie have fun at her swimming lesson. Feel happy because last week she refused to get in and was never going back again.

- have a splendid time at the Whittlesea show. Eat a melt-in-your-mouth steak sandwich, admire yet be faintly worried by the ingenuity of local children yes it is made of what you think it is and buy the completely unnecessary yet fabulous pink coat I have lusted after for the last three years

- share the Last Ever Bottle of our favourite tipple they've stopped making it! Oh woe, oh woe and alas! with the neighbours.
- refrain from fighting with exhausted feral child (my own), good thing I've been studying non-violent communication I can tell you
- eat pizza
- watch 10 seconds of tv
- zzzzzz
Sunday morning
- drink tea, eat porridge with apricots, feed Noddie toast
- rush out for a bike ride before the wind came up
- take Noddie to church for Sunday school
- accidentally reveal inability to believe in the resurrection of the body (no wonder the angels hid my book)
- see - in real time, thanks lronman Iive! - my friend Wes fulfill his dream of finishing Ironman! Huge congratulations to you Wes!
- drive to Brighton to swim at the sea baths as a bit of a hit-out before a couple of events I have coming up
- wish I had a long-sleeved wetsuit
- remember how very very much I love swimming in the sea, even when it's cccccold
- fly our new kite and make sandcastles with Noddie and J- eat fish and chips by the beach in the car in the pouring rain and before you say anything, it is superfluous chips that I am avoiding. F&c chips don't count.
- refrain from fighting with exhausted feral child, good thing I've been studying non-violent communication I can tell you
- watch 10 seconds of rugby
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Tomorrow will be very strange indeed - I haven't worked on Cup Day since I was at uni and my exams were in the second week of November. Double time will just about make up for it though, mwahahaha. Go Moatise!

I love my new hat

More anon, millinery fanciers!

positive

Noddie is off on a Proper Kinder Excursion (in a bus!!), and not being one of the in-crowd mums (too tall, too cranky, not related to anyone, would rather stick my finger in my eye than wear visible lip-liner) I am sitting in a silent messy house with a mountain of jobs to do before 1pm. This is usually the time I go to pieces and get all gloomy, waste a lot of time on the internet, then hate myself the whole rest of the day for not taking advantage of this window of No Interruptions. But not today. Today I have a List! I love lists! Lists save me from my scatterbrained waftiness and make it all about getting stuff done. They bestow satisfying crossings-out and silence the it’s not fair I always have to do everything mumblings. Mmmmmmm…….lists……
Item 1. Write a blog post.
Sometimes my blog is about what I think (usually the whingeing bits) and sometimes it’s about what I want to think (the bits pinched from other people’s blogs). Well, today I’ll lock in ‘B’ for $25,000 please Eddie.
Iron Geekgrl Misty wrote about patience, how you’re going to be a year older next October anyway so you might as well get started on things that will make your life better even if they take a long time. What’s the point of training when I’m always going to be slow and heavy? The point is that summer will come whether I train or not. Patiently building up my fitness and whittling away my lard will mean I have much more fun in February. Misty made another point about patience that any of us who race can take with us (you well adjusted types probably do this already. Smart-arses): the finish line will still be there whether you beat yourself up about your performance or not. And if you miss the cutoff or get injured and they pull you off the course, there will be other finish lines. Patience. It’s really a mindset of abundance, isn’t it? I like that. There will be enough. There is enough. I am enough.
The mighty Duane reminded me of something else. This winter I’ve been getting more and more negative in my self-talk (lazy, don’t try hard, so slow I wonder why I bother, lurgis my own fault because I don't take proper care of myself, a tragic drunk, a bad mother, terrible taste in shoes etc etc). I wouldn’t let anyone else put me down the way I have been doing to myself! Not wanting to get all 0prah on you, but words are powerful. They can serve me or hinder me. It’s time to be like Duane and get some positive statements out there.
I like getting up early.
I work hard.
I am the best mum and wife I can manage
I don’t eat chips or chocolate, or drink during the week.
I am a swimmer and a runner and a triathlete.
Come on summer, I’m ready! This is right near my parents' place. See why we want to move there?
More anon, manipulators of cosmic forces!

I meant to tell you, I bought a book about how to hear angel messages because the hairdresser told me to (as you do), then I couldn't find it so I thought the angels must have hidden it because I was so skeptical about the whole thing. Then the Spousal Unit found it under the couch.

duck broken

These are exciting times at Chateau LBTEPA. The RSPBEB* has cleared up at last; I've strung together a few weeks of consistent exercise and my word I am feeling better for it; and last but not least, I've finally overcome the siren lure of the doona and done an early morning workout. It was unfortunate that whiny LBTEPA came along for the ride:
I hate this, it's freezing
Be quiet, at least we got out of bed
but I'm reeeally collllllld
pedal harder. Isn't this envigorating?
Envigorating my lardy posterior. I wish I was still snuggled up warmly next to the Spousal Unit. We must be mental
No you don't. This is quite nice really....
no it isn't
...and we're half way there now, time to turn back
Holy smeg, this head wind! It's freezing!Since when do we have southerlies in October?
Please stop whingeing
(mutters sulkily) oh all right then.
I've broken my duck, and I can't wait to go out again.

More anon, keensters!
*Rotten Stinking Pig Bastard Everlasting Bronchitis

Told

Given that it has been pointed out to me* that I 'should look at the big picture' because 'it's not the end of the world' to miss out on a bike ride, and also how 'silly' it is to be so sad about the bike ride when the 19y.o. sister of a friend has come out of remission with leukaemia and has only weeks to live, I don't have much to say today.

My gratitude blog has been unlocked, yay! And our computer is fixed! I was ready to throw it out the window but seeing as all my friends live in it I couldn't do that. It wasn't the modem either, it was some weird code thingo that took the sensationally helpful and patient support person an hour to work out. I really cannot recommend our ISP provider highly enough.
For the next couple of years I am going to plan and train for events but not actually cough up the shekels and hope involved in entering them until the last minute.
I'm going down to the ride expo site this afternoon to cheer in Secret Sara, who as we speak is making her way around the Bay. You go girl! It's mild today but I am wishing the wind away.
UPDATE: Secret Sara blitzed it, riding so fast she finished before we even got there! Huge congrats, mate

More anon, blessing-counters
*the Spousal Unit is a bit of a dickhead sometimes

stranded!

Our modem has turned up its toes and shuffled off this mortal coil. See you when its replcement is installed :)

Marathon Sunday*

aka if you can't join 'em, cheer for 'em
aka it's far better form to hand out refreshments and yell encouragement than to sulk on the couch at home feeling jealous and disappointed
If I'd been running, which I really really wanted to do - and which I WILL be doing in 09 - then I wouldn't have been part of the great Coolrunning cheersquad - our motto: what we lack in numbers we make up for in enthusiasm - and wouldn't have spent the morning with the lovely Secret Sara (sign painter extraordinaire), Pink Lady, Kylie and Davo, waving our streamers and yelling at people to remember, you're a marathoner! and think of the medal! Noddie wouldn't have been doing thisor this(or this)I really really wanted to go the after-race do and catch up with some of my lovely imaginary internet friends but I couldn't, especially after Noddie behaved perfectly the whole five and a half hours we were there but was asleep in the car within minutes of setting off for home. I had a brief Pouty McSulkfest but am over it now. Huge HUGE congratulations to everyone who toed the line on such a hot windy day. I hope the jelly snakes and icypoles helped.

More anon, cheerers from the sidelines!

Automaton

I started a new blog as a convenient spot to write down my 'ten things I'm grateful for' every couple of days - and blogger thinks it's a spam blog and has locked it until a real live person has reviewed it and decides that I am not a spambot!! I've never been perceived as a possible threat to the workings of the internet before. How thrilling.

Things have been a bit nuts here. Saturday really started when I worked until 11pm on Friday night - instead of leaping nimbly from the couch o' slumber to work out, cook, vacuum etc I slept in until eight o'clock (bliss) and then lingered over a cuppa and a magazine until nine, when it was time to pick Noddie up from her sleepover at Nanny's (see bliss, above) and go to J's Nan's 90th birthday brunch. The rose of the sleepover is not without thorns, however: Noddie always stays up late and is Over Excited, not the best for a crowded noisy gathering of rellies. The brunch dragged on and on and we got home again at quarter to three, giving me an hour and three quarters to transform the place from its usual squalor to a vision of loveliness in readiness for the gathering of the clan in honour of my Mum's 70th birthday. I also had to make and decorate a cake worthy of my esteemed mater, and tend to the horribly ill Spousal Unit (barking bronchitis. We expect to be quarantined by the Biosecurity Health Response team shortly. We are looking forward to it). It's a good thing daylight savings didn't start until Saturday night so no-one saw that I hadn't even vacuumed (shock horror). Guests: 12, including the in-laws. Drinks: several. Party: great fun.
On Sunday morning I hosed the place out, propped the Spousal Unit on his recliner in front of some car racing, and went out with Noddie to catch up with a friend of mine down from Sydney. After lunch and a bit of gazing at Art Deco masterpieces, Noddie hit the wall with a splat and slid down it with an ugly smear. To be fair, the exhibition should have been labelled "unsuitable for children": after all, what is a platform with a chair on it but an invitation to climb up? And there wasn't really any harm in her crawling under the jewellery cases, they looked perfectly sturdy.
Then it was Monday, and the work and kinder week began. I'm putting together the jigsaws of Masters applications for next year, which is taking a bit of time - I'm applying for three courses, which means getting certified copies of three sets of eight pages of academic transcripts plus my passport, plus three statements as to why I'm applying for these courses. Because I want to and you're near my house is about 291 words short. Good thing I'm an accomplished bumph-spouter, no? Then I had to line up academic and professional referees to sing my praises on multiple bits of paper (stamped addressed envelopes attached). Let's just say there's a lot of unfolded washing piling up. But I have been exercising. Every day. Go me!

More anon, folk in a flurry!

Doublethink

Now that the rotten stinking pig bastard everlasting bronchitis seems to have buggered off altogether touching anything wood within reach and I am back to regular exercise - yay! yay! - I'm having to manage a mad kind of doublethink. You see, I am currently as weak as an asthmatic kitten and as slow as a drunk slug. Let's not mention the Return of The Lard. All the gains from all that work last summer and autumn have evaporated. Gone. I'm frustrated and discouraged. *frowns/pouts/feels depressed*

ALERT! ALERT! Bleating and wallowing in self-pity imminent! Intiate evasive action! Activate doublethink!

But what is doublethink, you ask? Avoid those unsightly wrinkles, dear reader, and knit not your brow. Doublethink works like this:

1. Eradicate all memory of how effortless things used to be, how 2km or 40km or 15km were just ordinary swims, rides or runs. Pine no more for those dear dead days. That was then, this is now. Suck it up.

....while simultaneously.....

2. Remember how very good it felt to be that strong, and know, somewhere deep down, that I can get back there. Remember how consistent effort works. Remember that it does work.

See? Tooooo confusing - like a speeded-up game of table tennis that is only visible at the very corner of my eye. But it's helping me get out the door each day. Lumbering will change to ease, 17km/hr will become 25. 1000m will become a warmup. Patience, grasshopper.

Unrelated: the chappie who cut my hair today (whom I had not previously met, and who did a smashing job BTW) asked me if I believed in angels. He told me they have messages for me. He seemed otherwise perfectly normal. This is by no means the only angel-themed strangeness to happen lately. Hmmmmmm.

I've been writing a list every day of ten things I'm grateful for. It's changing me.

More anon, cherubim!

10 things I am grateful for

as I sit here after my first ride in weeks
(in no particular order)
- My new, extremely fetching hibiscus-patterned bike jersey
- Nice warm arm and leg warmers
- The wind I was riding in today, because it made me feel strong and brave
- The vivid red geraniums someone has planted along the bike path
- My darling Noddie and the Spousal Unit
- Pink painted nails Noddie and I did while we were having a picnic on the verandah
- Enough money to pay the bills (and buy pretty bike jerseys)
- The hilariously gratuitious key-change in the song "Love Really Hurts Without You"
- The dear, kind souls on the Coolrunning Depression thread who are so quick to rally around a mate having a rough day.
- My stinking rotten stupid pig bastard everlasting bronchitis seems to have finally buggered off (touch wood) so I can start to shed some lard and think about fun things to do this summer. More anon, keepers-at-it

Hooray for holidays

We don't muck around here at Chez LBTEPA when it's school holiday time.
On Monday we got new shoes and took the train and the tram to the beach to paddle, eat icecream and make sandcastles. Yesterday we fulfilled Noddie's long-held ambition and rode on a purple train to Bendigo, to meet up with blogger Royalty - the magnificent Beckie! What pleasure to spend a day in the sunshine with her. Next time we will stay longer.

Tomorrow we are going to the Show. We love holidays.
This week I felt an unfamiliar and astonishing sensation - I had some perceptible energy. Energy! I tell you what, this stuff is ace! If this keeps up, next week I am going to start getting up early again. Maybe even think about some exercise! Oooooh!

More anon, gadabouts!

Lots of things

I can't really blog properly at the moment. My head is full of everything. It's bordering on overwhelming, yet far too boring to put out into the ether
Hope everyone is well. Take care and see you soon

Party time

J had the day off yesterday and Noddie was home sick with him so they spent the day getting ready for a party! Just a party because Noddie thought it would be a good idea. Great fun! They made a cake and fairy bread and blew up balloons; we ate cheese and biscuits, and dip, grilled prawns and chocolate fondue, all by candlelight - how cool! Then we sang along to daggy 80s music (from Mummy's ipod) and played Noddie's instruments and danced and generally had a lovely time. Noddie decided she was having an upsy-down sleep, requiring her pillow to be placed at the foot of the bed - most disconcerting when I went in there later to check on her.
My darling Doggies did the right thing last night - goodbye Swans, mwahahahaha! So what if we get a shellacking from the Cats next week, they have been lay-down misere favourites for the flag since round one. My boys played sensationally and that's enough for me. Anyway, we might win!Severely undermining my belief in the power of vitamin C, zinc and wishing things away, I have awoken this morning still coughing and achy all over. Enough is enough - enough worrying, enough feeling ashamed and a failure, enough scoffing ibuprofen to get through workouts, enough bleating. Enough bloody everything: I am Officially Out of the bay ride. I am more unbearably disappointed than I can express, but enough of that too.
Now we are off to Noddie's swimming lesson where she will show her teacher that she has mastered the freestyle arm stroke (although it was funny watching her doing it all backwards), and then to buy some Dora sandals. I don't remember promising these but apparently I did.

More anon, Springtime frolickers!