Must be off

I have to get going a bit earlier these days becuase I have started walking to work.

More anon, strollers!

Good

I am completely delighted to announce that my foot appears to have healed to the extent where it will tolerate 10 min on the elliptical. Upright! Weight bearing! Pulse >150bpm! Not the stupid effing exercise bike! Ok ok I went home and cried with relief. Whatever. Can world domination, or even just sweet sweet exercise outdoors, be far off?
More anon, swingers!

It swings back and forth, you see! What did you think I meant? :P

On the up and up

It's that week at the gym where I've put everything up. Workouts are a) much harder and b) much shorter because a) = fewer reps/shorter cardio. That lovely slight DOMS. Is that weird? Never mind.
Progress! I'm. Loving. It.
More anon, iron-pumpers!

Dauntless

So. How are you all? Summer is hanging on gamely over here, or perhaps autumn is starting off superbly, all warm sunny days and clear sweet-scented nights. Last weekend was the Labour Day long weekend so we went to the lake, and to an art show, and to the beach, and caught up with friends... it was just lovely. I hope you're all doing things that lift your hearts.
But anyway. As you may recall, my doctor had her secretary ring me a few weeks ago to tell me that the MRI  had revealed 'nothing serious', except a suggestion of (some word I didn't know) - with a strong subtext of I told you you didn't need an MRI now shut up and go away. That, as you may recall, was wh I did the parkrun and completely trashed my plantar fascia.
Last week I finally stopped sooking and took my very sore foot to my Very Good Physio, long may he reign, who heard this tale of woe, asked how soon after the MRI I did this foolish foolish thing,  and winced. A bad sign. What should have been emphasised by this doctor's secretary person was that, despite the fact that the foot did not require surgery, it was by no means uninjured, and still needed conservative physio treatment and care. Now I am back in my ugly arch support shoes *insert weeping bitterly emoji* (at least summer is nearly over), spending a fortune on strapping tape, and hip-hitching like it was my job. I'm looking for a new doctor.
I'm pretty sore and pretty angry and pretty disheartened.But never mind.

All is not lost. I'm at the gym 4-5 times a week, and riding my bike, and swimming and doing my exercises and going for foolishly long walks on the beach because I'm so effing sick of being inside all the time. And our beach is pretty bloody gorgeous.

I've decided that my word for the year is DAUNTLESS
You can BE DAUNTLESS even while feeling completely daunted, I'm sure. There's no rule.

More anon, anchors aweighers!

Good news

The Spousal Unit has started coming to the gym with us! Yay!

More anon, frolickers!

You know that feeling

there's a feeling, not the best feeling in the world but certainly not the worst....when you
have been sick all week (stupidly tenacious sinus infection I Will Best You)
even took a half day off (???!!!???!!!)
work ->bed-> work -> repeat
then you get drugs
and you start feeling a tiny bit better
then you drag your weary arse to the gym becuase it's been three days quelle horreur
and you start your light short workout
and you say to yourself, this is too hard, I'm not up to this yet, I'm so very tired. I want to stop.
and you say to yourself, just keep going a little bit longer
just a little bit longer
just a minute or two longer
then your cardio is done
and the weights, well you can sit down for most of them
and you finish it. 
And you're so very very tired and you go home to bed again.
You know that feeling?
I do.
It's wonderful.

More anon, indomitables!
And by the way, third commenter on my last post - I've bumbled through more than half a century of life without having spells cast on my behalf so I won'r be starting now. Thanks for offering though!

Stepping back

Hi Blog! Not long time no see! I have found this last week to be amazing in that a bit of perspective, aka a big rant/vent/sook, can just hose everything down and make it possible to keep on keeping on. Look for the nuggets. What did I do?
Pond slime (nutr1bullet spinach smoothy) breakfasts: 4
Piano practice: 5
Swim: 1
Gym: 4
Cycle to work: 2 (I've had a sinus infection and the drugs make me sooo sleeeepyyyyy)
Foot: pretty much buggered still, bastard, but
Physio exercises: 7. So there.

Marking it off every time I do something that's part of the "Make Life Better" plan is so satisfying. I'm so chuffed when I make a gate!

More anon, zooper-doopers!

Dancing with the black dog

Hi Blog! Long time no speak! But in my own defence, let me tell you that I was actually waiting for a little short run of good stuff , progress, forward movement......not just whining about endless  #firstworldproblem mostly minor yet difficult baddish stuff on and on ad infinitum ad nauseum problems and disappointments. Well there hasn't been a break. Life is good! We live in a beautiful place in a comfortable attractive house (more so lately, owing to our current Colin and Justin obsession)! Noddie and J are sparking on six! Work is gratifying and lucrative! I caught up with several dear old friends over the school holidays! I worked half days to spend time with Noddie! It's been a lovely summer and I've worn shorts and sandals most days! It was my birthday on the weekend!
Which makes The Other Stuff seem minor. But it's not, to me. I'm so grateful for all my blessings and by being able to contribute to the world. And....now for the whinge
Since last we spoke
I tripped off a curb in the same fucking sandals that I was wearing when I trashed my ankle last time, and trashed it again. It's taken until last week, so 2 months of swelling/pain/worry/sadness/scans/arguments with doctors, to establish that it is not torn, only ???, so at least I don't have another reco in my future. But no running, only walking, much cycling (including the stationary bike at the gym), and much pain, which has obviously affected my gait and referred itself into a flare up of my old mate plantar fasciitis, which I made much worse on Saturday by giving in to the temptation to run 1 min: walk 1 min the last 2k of parkrun becuase I am so. sick. of being such. a fucking. crock. Now I am limping horribly, icing 3x daily, taped up the wazoo and have 2 injuries to try and fix, becuase I self-destructively gave in to temptation for that 10 minutes. I'm a bloody genius.
Also over Christmas, I stopped being a doormat/yes-girl to my family and expressed my displeasure that, after 15 years in a row of us hosting Christmas and moving heaven and earth to meet everyone's needs so we could all get together, "the only day she (my sister-in-law, 5 hours' drive away) could have it (the (ahem)'family' Christmas)" was the day she knew we couldn't get there. Naturally that went down like a ton of bricks. Without going into the gory details, for we have done that and are working hard to Let. It. Go., I doubt that I'll ever bother to contact that part of the family, or my younger brother, again. Kind of a relief in hindsight to finally really come to grips with what your family is really like (and not so bad really, nothing terrible, but completely different values from ours. They are how they are and good for them), but pretty effing painful in process.
Worst of all, J and I had a massive, massive row, to the point where I slept in the spare room a couple of times and was thinking of moving out. Yep, that bad. Once again, nothing terribly bad in the big scheme of things - no violence or infidelity or anything of that kind - but a complete game changer. Very very fortunately, we got to see a fantastically skilled marriage counsellor who has put us back on a good track. As a couple and as a family we are communicating better than we ever have. I'm so happy about that. But still.
I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm not sleeping well. I feel shut down and a bit numb a lot of the time. I haven't even got the energy to be angry, which is probably a good thing! I basically ate and drank my way through Christmas, which behaviour, you will be happy to hear, has now been STOPPED, and I am back to moderate-with-occasional-emotional-eating.  I'm sad about my appearance, especially my weight. I'm sad about my lack of fitness and about how my weight's affecting my injuries and hence my ability to work out and hence my weight/fitness hellooooo vicious circle. I feel defeated and as though life has got the better of me. For the first time in my life, I don't see the point of making plans or striving for things - especially physical/health goals. Don't be optimistic. Don't look forward to doing new things or making changes or achievement. It'll all go wrong (see 'yoga', 'dancing', 'couch to 5k'). Just do stuff, one day at a time. Just do.
So that's what I'm doing. Noddie and I go to the gym 3-4 times a week. I ride my bike to work most day s - only about 10 min each way but still, every little bit helps, and it's fun! I do my hip exercises, and play the piano, and go swimming once a week. I write all this down because every little stick is a victory over despair. When I get 5 and the diagonal stick makes a gate, I'm a rock star! In a bold move, I've just (yesterday) started writing down booze-free days. Oooh. How many stick gates can I build this year?
I'm glad no one reads this any more - what a bloody sook I am! But I needed to write it down. I'm sorry. It's all been in my head all this time and it has to be kept somewhere else.  I've decided I'm going to write a post most weeks, just talking about what exercise I've done and how fun it was. It's on my list now! See, I told you, life is good. I just have to live it better.
More anon, dancers!

Keep moving

I've been lacking resilience for 'extras' - having to fix the internet, questions from the accountant etc etc - but pressing on pluckily. Realising you're not going so well is the first step to managing, well der.
Calf raises, knee squeezes (so the quad and the patella will play nicely) and hip hitches aplenty have led to pain-free walking - no running as yet becuase I am a sooky unfit sook - and I am going back to dance class tonight! Woot!
I've lost 2.5kg and hoping for more, in spite of the unfortunate episode of overwhelmed-face-stuffing on the weekend. I'm using VLCD shakes for two meals on work days - do not frown so, gentle reader! I need to shift lard so I can exercise and be happy and shift more lard. This is a temporary thing until I am light enough to exercise at a useful intensity without injuring myself all the time.
I'm so excited to be going back to dance. Fingers crossed it doesn't piss the knee off!

(totally our class)

More anon, high-steppers!

that escalated quickly

...as the kiddies ay these days!
Since last I wrote, so many things have happened!
I adulted my calf injury like a mad thing and it healed well.
I started running, very gingerly.
We went to Espiritu Santo on Vanuatu, which was heaven. You should go.
I started dance classes, which were the best fun!
I did something bad to my knee, which was extremely upsetting
A couple of extremely upsetting personal things happened, but I'll be ok. All is well at home, which is the main thing!
I went to pieces for a week. If you'd bought shares in a tissue company you'd be doing well right now.
I went to my dour magician physio, who says it's patella femoral syndrome, which he is well acros.
I am doing many exercises and have sorted out my bike.
I am visualising going to the pool and not being irritated by dickheads. No success there yet.



Next week I'm allowed to run, very very gingerly.
Noddie starts at her new school on Monday. She worked super hard all on her own for two years and won herself an academic scholarship. We are so excited and very proud of her.
So it's been not all good but now it's all good.

 Glamour shot

In the tank

It's been an exciting few weeks at Chateau LBTEPA!
All of a sudden I have found myself with enough oomph/energy/backbone - not a wishbone any more! - to do what I've known I needed to do for a long time. Let's not kid ourselves: there is no such thing as Just Do It. You can't just walk out the door and run a marathon. You have to start where you are, and if where you are is without the wherewithall to challenge your dear husband's emotive eating behaviours or your own let's-treat-overwhelmedness-with-wine! stupidity, then that's where you start. You have to do what you can do - go to the gym, walk after dinner with the offspring, drink more water, and definitely make sure you have your medications every day. If you can't do All The Stuff, then do the Stuff you can manage.
Then one fine, magic, wonderful day, you will wake up and know that you can do The Hard Stuff, at least sometimes. You can be assertive with the Spousal Unit - food is not love and not every meal has to be a feast - and you can insist on smaller portions and leave food on the plate at dinner. You can have a vanilla chai latte or a cup of hot grass clippings herbal tea when you're watching tv of an evening. Wine-and-telly is a habit; unhelpful habits can be subbed out for better ones, if you have enough in the tank to concentrate on them.
Well VROOM VROOM my friends!!

More anon, rubber-burners!

Over and out!

Over the nasty bug, over too many clients, over tiresome (people who shall not be named), over just feeling crappy all week...and out the door with my big girl and our two furry girls!

Did I mention that Spring is here? I don't care if it's still freezing and raining and blowing a gale half the time. If the plum trees are out, summer is coming!

More anon, blossoms!

You know you're out of shape when too many downward dogs give you a wrist injury *sad face*
However, one-legged squats and imaginary skipping practice continue apace. It's clear that I will have to add REGULAR swimming to The Plan.
Onward!

Imaginary skipping

So far, 'operation virtual walking mate' with the lovely Shauna has been WONDERFUL. I hope she's not getting bored with my burbly messages - please do tell if you are, darl! - but I'm finding her friendly and good-hearted accountability to be such a boon. I'll walk in the rain at 8.30pm because I told her I would go today. It's leading to better problem-solving, too. I've split 'operation get up earlier' from 'operation do something sweaty every day' becuase it wasn't working. Failure is discouraging. You have to start where you are. AT THE MOMENT I can get up fifteen minutes earlier and stagger around blearily in my dressing gown, but not get up an hour earlier to go for a walk. I am currently able to make time and energy to exercise after work. Redefine the problem, and win at everything!
.....imagine what this post would be like if I'd already had the coffee I'm going to have in a minute... scary.......
I went back to yoga again yesterday. I'm still rubbish at it and still hate it, even more so when I didn't get there super-early so ended up in the spot where the warm air from the ceiling heater blew right on to me. Downward facing drippy sponge woman, that was me. Ack. However, I am starting to understand what's going on in class now. Even though I can't do it. So that's progress.
In other (ahem) "very exciting" news, I can do 25 single-leg calf raises in a row now. I can now also do imaginary skipping without pain! Imaginary skipping is for people who can't safely be given fast-moving ropes. Ask me how I  know.....

You can find ANYTHING in a g00gle image search....

More anon, hoppers! (that's my next goal)

Bend it like... the tin man

I cannot describe to you how much I disliked yoga. It was hot (not hot yoga, just a warm room) and muggins here didn't have any water. It was difficult. I felt sick because I very foolishly had my lunch at 3.30 pm - trap for young players there! I didn't know what was going on and the teacher had a very thick Chilean (?) accent so I couldn't understand her very well unless I concentrated so hard that I fell out of my (ahem) 'pose'. I was watching the clock from 6.05, thinking about when I could possibly legitimately make a run for it, until 6.50, when we got to lie on our backs with our eyes closed. I was in the back corner next to an uber-lithe 20-something yoga goddess who could do headstands, and then I noticed that I had on odd socks! I didn't even realise I owned odd socks! #socialdeath #ohtheshame
I could do some of it, though. At various points I was quite surprised when I could do things!
It is a sad but unavoidable fact of having Let Yourself Go that you have to feel utterly crap for quite a while before you feel good and strong again. So back to yoga tonight I go! I have promised the lovely Shauna that I will. Ewwwwww why did I do that? Still, an LBTEPA's word is her bond. I have water, didn't have much lunch and am ready to sink into the warrior pose.... More anon, creakers!
*Update: Neither vomit, flatulence nor undignified falling marred my practice! I only started glaring at the clock at 6.15! Progress! Woot!

Peer pressure

In exciting news, Team LBTEPA has united with our favourite 'ranga, the Fabulous Shauna to be Virtual Walking Mates! The twenty-first century has arrived! Shauna pootles dreamily around scenic Scotland; I drag my crabby backside out of bed at 6.30 and stomp around the wetlands listening to birdsong and frogs; we message each other 'well done darl you're a bloody legend!'; and a good day is had by all. I'm disappointed to report that the adult hip hop/jazz dance class I had planned to attend this term - no, really! - sold out before I stopped sooking and got around to enrolling. That'll teach me. Next year I will have my pants on baggy and my cap on backward! However, I am going to a yoga class instead! Move over Gumby! More anon, adventurers!

Pigeon is better than duck, or how to amaze your bum

It's been almost a month since I posted last. There has been much afoot (hahahaha), including many calf raises, including single-legged (!), and two weeks on the road to dance eistedfoddau about the state. It all went much better than last year, owing to the absence of feral troll teachers, toxic duo partners, and their vile, vile mums. I went to pieces a bit - it's crazy! Over the years when everything WAS going to shit, and Noddie and The Spousal Unit were in real trouble, I could take anything and keep going. Now, when everything is actually FINE, the slightest thing, like an extremely minor (but uncalled-for) ticking off by a bitchy dance teacher from another part of the state, who I'll probably never see again, sends me into a flat spin. I am quite the socially inept stress mess these days. Oy karamba. Oh well, I'm sure it will pass.
But overall (after I calmed down) we had a good time, the motel was just luverly (with a spa, mmmmmmmmm), Noddie danced beautifully and brought home lots of lovely bling, and we caught up with my dear friend the Mighty Emma and her eight week old daughter Queen Alice. We believe that Princesses lack ambition.
I also went to the Dour Physio, prescriber of calf-raises. He pointed out that when I walk or run I have duck feet, pointed outward.  Hello, torsion! Hello injury! If my feet are pointed straight forward, it feels to me as though they are pointed inward like pigeon toes. Hello new hobby! I walked 10km on the weekend, pigeon-toed (ish), and my bum muscles were amazed. I went so fast! I also went swimming on Sunday!!!!!!! I love swimming. I'm going to blog whenever I go to the pool - hello peer pressure!

More anon, flappers!

Pop!

....is the sound of both my calf and its grade 2+ (?) strain = 3-4 weeks no running/minimal walking/cycling donotaggravateit!! = no half marathon in July. Lesson learned: don't let optimism lead you to make non-cancellable hotel bookings bugger bugger bugger way to rub it in. It is also the sound of my happy little bubble of progress toward my Big Scary Goals. Bugger bugger bugger. Mood: discouraged but determined. I've taken down my marathon medals from the bedroom wall and given all my old 'one day I'll get into them again' clothes to the Red Cross. If I drop some lard I'll get new ones.
This is my life now and that's how it is.

(picture not to scale :P)

All core and glutes and upper body, all the time. I may even go swimming one of these days. I haven't pulled out of the Melbourne half yet, because I can get a refund until the end of August. I can't cancel that hotel either. Bloody optimism!
Of course, it's not all bad!

Gratuitous topless red hot spunks - blessings: counted!
More anon, gym bunnies!

Be where you are

I've realised I'm in the 'really crap at it = sucky and discouraging ' part of returning to actual really real running i.e. longer than a minute at a time. Alas, this is an unavoidable part of getting to 'looking forward to doing/enjoying it because I'm quite good at it now'. Currently sucking up: 2.5km will cause a calf niggle which will take a week to settle. Solution: run 3min/walk 3min. That's more than I was doing anyway. Be where you are!
Also: turn my back on my glutes for a second and they skive off. Slack bastards. We are arguing about single leg bridges at the mo'. I'm winning.
Currently not sucking up: as much wine as I used to! I reckon I've dropped it by almost half the last two weeks! Go me! If some lard shifts as a result of this, that should help with my calf too.
Also:

I said I would do three sets of ten by the end of May, and I DID.
What awesomeness are you up to?
More anon, hoppers! (I can do that too now yay!)

two steps forward

Quite exciting times, LBTEPA fans. Quite exciting. I ran all the way around the lake near the fancypants gym I go to on Wednesdays!!!! Without stopping!! It was like that Rocky movie! I was a bloody superstar! I ran non-stop for 25 minutes again on Sunday too. I was beyond chuffed. I've been keeping up the gym too - I'm feeling good, doing all the good-life stuff like filing and crochet and playing the piano. My sleep is quite poor/broken, which is a pest but I'm getting enough overall. It's all good.
Yesterday after work I started out around the lake again. It was cold, and I shuffled off feeling a bit stiff. About half way around, my stupid #*&^$% bastard calf GRABBED like a tiger was biting it. #$%& me it hurt. I kept going, although I had to stop and swear stretch a few times. I was having that twenty minutes of sweating, by golly. Then I went to the fancypants gym and crossly pushed heavy bits of metal around, becuase that is the LBTEPA way. Today I'm walking like the tin man. #$%& me my leg hurts. Stupid thing. Deep heat, ibuprofen and rest.
Today's g00gling: calf strengthening and glute activation. Not quite back to the drawing board, but a slight-ish change in focus.

More anon, bun-burners!