Can it have been three weeks already?
Too right it can.
Three more weeks until the cast is OFF!
And what have I done in these three weeks? Sweet bugger all, that's what. I.AM.FED.UP.WITH.MYSELF.
Wait a minute, hang on.....
While I was debating whether to enable comments on this post, aka whether I would pathetically beg for sympathy and encouragement, I flicked over to G00gle Reader (have you set one up yet? Maaaaaate, how convenient is it? I waste so much less time flicking through blogs wondering if certain people have posted YET - this means YOU Sparkdriver, don't you DARE close down your blog!)
and Iron Wil had written yet another inspiring and thought-provoking post.
She wrote about how being mean to yourself because you haven't measured up to whatever standards you were aiming for, for whatever reason, makes you feel as bad and confused as when you were a kid and other kids were cruel to you and you didn't know why.
SO. TRUE.
I emailed back to her that I think people with very high expectations of themselves actually need to learn how to be friends to themselves (some lucky buggers may be able to do it naturally, I hate them LOL), and to remind themselves to stay on the KIND side of the "I'm doing my best and that's ok" vs "try harder and stop making excuses" divide.
Lately more than ever, I fall on the latter side. It's a constant tightrope of questioning - am I doing my best under the circumstances, or am I being lazy and slack? I wonder why it's easier to call myself mean names than to admit I'm not superwoman?
I'm not lazy. I do waste shameful amounts of time on the internet. I'm stuck on my thesis and scared of what will happen. I'm disappointed my spring and summer will be spent rehabbing and base-building instead of racing. My job is nebulous, unsupervised and unsupported. I'm 7kg heavier than I'd like to be. These things don't make me lazy or stupid or bad. They just are. Being mean and angry to myself about them isn't helping.
Nor is the wine-and-chocolate cure, alas! Although I'm more than willing to keep working on it :) Never say die, that's me!
I used to have a rule that I'd never say things to myself that I wouldn't accept from another person. I should go back to that, no? But.... if I stop trying to bully myself into action and start being kind to myself, I'll have to feel the fear, the shame, the sadness, and the helplessness ....bugger, eh? Oh well, friends help each other through these things. I will be a good friend to myself. I might as well, I'm stuck with me!
My other problem is I hang around with too many of you indomitable never-say-die types LOL. Never change, I can't do without you!
More anon, philosophers
This post bears no resemblance whatsoever to the one I was planning, but writing it has made me feel a lot better
13 much-appreciated comments:
Thanks LBTEPA, I needed to hear this. I've been beating myself up lately over my running and my eating.
Thanks for the tip on Google reader. I'm going to check it out.
Love the rug.
wow! i got all distracted from your post by that gorgeous feather rug and forgot what i was going to say - how creative!
We all have highs and lows, but I like to think of life as like floating down a river. You go with the flow and when you are at peace and in tune with that, you are maximizing every day's potential. Eventually, we are all going to end up downstream, but we do have some control over where the boat is in the stream.
I luved your last comment by the way. Thanks you!!
-- Aristotle-Wes
Great post! You are worthy of being nice to yourself!
i like that rule. my NOD says she has to be mean to herself in order to motivate herself. i disagree. i think you should be mean to everybody else!...no wait, i meant to say, treat yourself like you are you're best friend, cuz in the end, you're the one who cares the most about you.
did that make any sense??
:)
I heard a song and I thought of you. Isn't it amazing how we can think about individuals just by their blogs??? Anyway "I've got a plan" by My Friend the Chocolate Cake. That works on so many different levels - and is a cool song too!!!
I agree with you, and thanks for the great post. I find myself on both sides of the fence.
You nailed it, as always. The eternal Dilemma. (By the way at first I spelled dilemma wrong and blogger spellcheck changed it to deliriums! Which is true too!)
"Nor is the wine-and-chocolate cure"
Oh crud, another brilliant idea crossed off my list. Darn it!
the nice thing about starting over is that you run such short distances, you can focus on changing habits. oh, and you can run any time.
Ahh, it's no fun picking on myself, I don't retaliate.
Heal well!
Hope your leg is feeling better. I use bloglines to monitor the blogs I have been following- and they are all starting to add up!
I will try to be nicer to myself- but I like to shout at myself a bit- even though it doesn't seem to be working!
Same here, I so needed to read this today, to learn I'm ok and not superwoman and I'm doing well and enough. I'm my biggest enemy too.
Speak about thought provoking posts, this is one and I learned again today to like myself even if I fail. You got 7kg's to loose, I'll double that!
"It's a long way to Tipperary it's a long way to go..."
"Pack all your troubles in your own kit bag and smile, smile, smile ..."
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