They're good and I like them. I fully intend to pursue them with vigour and pep.
However, they've been discarded in favour of uncontrollable crying and an overall feeling of intense weariness for a moment - a short moment, I hope - while I get my head around the phone call from the sports doc telling me that my ankle isn't going to get better by itself and will only stop Hurting All The Time after some (I hope highly trained) bloke has a rummage in its innards with sharp implements and I spend 3 months rehabbing it Very Carefully.
Three. Months.
Feel free to wince, goodness knows I am as I see the words I've just typed.
Maths aren't my strong point but even I can work out that even if I could have the op done in the next few weeks (thankyou, incredibly fortunate set of life circumstances that have enabled me to afford private health insurance) that won't leave three months before we go on holidays to Japan where we will be doing a lot of walking (did I mention we're going on holidays to Japan in March? Sometimes I think I should just rename this blog 'sooking about first world problems' and be done with it) which leaves us in April, which plus three months leaves us in July, which given that I've barely raised a sweat in anger in the last year pretty much leaves 2013 f***ed, athletically speaking.
It's sort of a relief to have the verdict. There will be no more hoping and pretending to be optimistic and pretending to be fine about being so unfit and so heavy and pretending not to be bothered by the pain and pretending not to be so worried and sad and pretending not to be so angry and pretending everything is ok and pretending and pretending. Sort of a relief. But actually Not Really A Relief At All In Any Way. The axe has fallen and here we are.
I've got nothing today. No 'ok, this is how it's going to be, I'll...(insert impressive, gritted-teeth plan for intense and dedicated self-improvement) and everything will be fab. Nothing. I'm tired and I'm sad and tomorrow the sun will come up and I'll do something.
And as I said in a message I left on the mighty Emma's phone this morning, we'll run together again one day. We will.
More anon, friends!
P.S. Hey, I've just realised that this date last year was when the Goofy challenge was run! Yay for January 9th!!
NOT.
PS please don't say anything along the lines of oh well, at least now you'll be getting some answers etc etc. I can't look on the bright side today. I'll do it tomorrow, I promise. Or the next next day
7 much-appreciated comments:
Sometimes it's OK to just be sad. Go and have a good cry and a bucket of wine xxoo
and maybe throw in some retail therapy :-)
Ask your primary doctor if there is anything he/she recommends for this feeling sad stuff. Mine suggested St Johns Wort. I just started taking it, so the jury is out, but there might be something like this or something else that you can take to elevate your mood.
Wow- that is shit Al, but having such a long time before the surgery means you have a long time to make sure your recovery is perfect, ie, if you think you have gained weight, then time to become a swimmer (or whatever you can do) and lose it so that when you are doing rehab you are at a good weight to make it easier on your recovering ankle.
Mark Blackney did my ankle and he was super- hope you have someone similar to do yours.
(it really is shit Al, but I am struggling not to give you the cliches that you don't want to hear).
Sara
Sorry to hear your upsetting surgery news! I feel for you really. I've been limping to some degree since February 2012 when I tore my meniscus. I ended up having surgery in July but I'm still hobbling every day - it sucks and I'm with you! Good luck.
You could always stay home from Japan... and give me your ticket :D
Btw I've tagged you in a meme if you want to play along.
This sucks, in a impressive fashion. If only ankle injuries that prevent running happened to people who don't love to run.
I'm sorry I missed your call, I was in the middle of an ocean. We will run again together. Or, we'll swim (ha! I've had my swim for the year. Very pleasant. Snorkels and fish to look at.)
Emma
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