that's just silly

*crackling radio noise*...sports commentators fade in.....
aaaaand in a verrrry disappointing loss of form after a solid and consistent first half, LBTEPA has dropped the ball, yes, dropped it and it's rolled right away into the corner. This is inexplicable, she doesn't even seem to be looking for it, she's just wandering around gloomily with a complete lack of focus, what a disappointment for this capacity crowd.....oh this is such a shame Phil, she's cracked like a walnut in this tough stage.....

But wait! In yet another astonishing reversal of form, LBTEPA has found the ball and picked it up - she has turned the corner, lifted her game and is back in town! In the greatest comeback since Lazarus she's come out snarling, taken a good hard look at herself, and had a red hot go! She's got back to basics, dug deep, and is just happy to get the four points*. She's moving with purpose, and the cheerfulness we have come to expect! Well Michael it just goes to show a slump isn't a life sentence. Go LBTEPA go!

and the crowd goes wild!

More anon, barrackers!
*Let's see how many Coodabeen Champions footy cliches I can work into this.

Unusual fauna sightings

My living room, 6.10pm Friday night.
We were watching The Tour, as you do (surely you do? But there's an angry and devious peleton! What's not to love?) as it zoomed across the windswept Camargue, when Noddie called out excitedly.
Look Mummy, lots of emus! Lots of pink emus!*

More anon, ornithologists!
*Now she thinks 'flamingo' is the funniest word ever

Missed it

My very first post was on Monday July 17th 2006. Happy New Year!

* sorry about deleting the last post. I decided it was both too personal AND too boring

J and the giant killer

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS THE WORD PHLEGM. NOT MINE, BUT DISGUSTING NONETHELESS.

Sit down before you read this - but my poor Spousal Unit has actually taken himself TO THE DOCTOR because he feels TOO SICK TO GO TO WORK.
I know, I know.....I'm as astounded as you are.
He rang me earlier to tell me he has bronchitis and a chest infection and has to take super-mega-antibiotics and stay home from work (under the lovely soft fuzzy new blanket mmmm) for two days.
Oh, how I laughed. In hurt tones he enquired, why do you titter so? (yes we do talk like that, shut up). I replied, well....

I really wish that I ever ever said "I told you so" ('cause I never ever do*) because I've been saying for ten days that green phlegm (I warned you) and a cough and a temperature mean you're SICK and you should go to the DOCTOR, so IF I ever said "I told you so" then this would be the perfect time, but I don't*, so I'm laughing at you instead.

And he laughed too. Poor lambie.

I am fine, thanks for asking (touching wood and chugging vitamin C). Noddie has the sniffles but I saw on Dr Phil (I said shut UP) that they're meant to have 8-10 colds a year (???) so she's underachieving badly and this is a chance for her to catch up. All ill-effects from the baked-potato incident have passed and I'm enjoying being back at work, which surprises me. I have composed a rude letter to the Glad garbage bag company pointing out that their product is supposed to be WATERPROOF, or is it just me who thought that? I'll be double bagging my foot from now on. Oh, the thrills, eh?

More anon, adventurers!

*This IS true. I think "I told you so" is a very unhelpful and sometimes destructive remark. I make heroic efforts to ensure that it never passes my lips despite, as you have observed, considerable provocation.

Would you like food poisoning with that?

Next time we have lunch at a shopping centre food court I will embrace the greasy and the sauce-covered and eschew the madly healthy baked potatoes with tabouli and POISON mushrooms.
Urrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.
Back to bed now.

Smile smile smile

I had SUCH a good time at the Melbourne Coolrunning midwinter drinks on Friday night! They are the nicest, friendliest, funniest, most encouraging bunch of intimidatingly fit, fast and lean overachievers with whom it has ever been my pleasure to quaff numerous sherbets. Reports of my dancing on the table are exaggerated. I was particularly pleased to meet the lovely Morsey at last *waves*. She ran a 10km PB this morning so get over there and swamp her with comment love :)
In other news, do pop over to Duane's blog and congratulate his daughter Kelly on her first triathlon. Go Kelly go! Duane inspires so many people and I am sure he is bursting with pride at Kelly's effort.

Tomorrow I go back to work, eek!

Half way

Can it have been three weeks already?
Too right it can.
Three more weeks until the cast is OFF!
And what have I done in these three weeks? Sweet bugger all, that's what. I.AM.FED.UP.WITH.MYSELF.

Wait a minute, hang on.....

While I was debating whether to enable comments on this post, aka whether I would pathetically beg for sympathy and encouragement, I flicked over to G00gle Reader (have you set one up yet? Maaaaaate, how convenient is it? I waste so much less time flicking through blogs wondering if certain people have posted YET - this means YOU Sparkdriver, don't you DARE close down your blog!)
and Iron Wil had written yet another inspiring and thought-provoking post.
She wrote about how being mean to yourself because you haven't measured up to whatever standards you were aiming for, for whatever reason, makes you feel as bad and confused as when you were a kid and other kids were cruel to you and you didn't know why.
SO. TRUE.
I emailed back to her that I think people with very high expectations of themselves actually need to learn how to be friends to themselves (some lucky buggers may be able to do it naturally, I hate them LOL), and to remind themselves to stay on the KIND side of the "I'm doing my best and that's ok" vs "try harder and stop making excuses" divide.
Lately more than ever, I fall on the latter side. It's a constant tightrope of questioning - am I doing my best under the circumstances, or am I being lazy and slack? I wonder why it's easier to call myself mean names than to admit I'm not superwoman?
I'm not lazy. I do waste shameful amounts of time on the internet. I'm stuck on my thesis and scared of what will happen. I'm disappointed my spring and summer will be spent rehabbing and base-building instead of racing. My job is nebulous, unsupervised and unsupported. I'm 7kg heavier than I'd like to be. These things don't make me lazy or stupid or bad. They just are. Being mean and angry to myself about them isn't helping.
Nor is the wine-and-chocolate cure, alas! Although I'm more than willing to keep working on it :) Never say die, that's me!

I used to have a rule that I'd never say things to myself that I wouldn't accept from another person. I should go back to that, no? But.... if I stop trying to bully myself into action and start being kind to myself, I'll have to feel the fear, the shame, the sadness, and the helplessness ....bugger, eh? Oh well, friends help each other through these things. I will be a good friend to myself. I might as well, I'm stuck with me!

My other problem is I hang around with too many of you indomitable never-say-die types LOL. Never change, I can't do without you!

More anon, philosophers

This post bears no resemblance whatsoever to the one I was planning, but writing it has made me feel a lot better

Another thrilling installment

Mum and I went a bit mental last winter in the feathers yarn section of Spotlight and this is what happened.

As always, I took the "why make it small and tasteful when you can make it BIG and LAIRY?" approach. But mmmmm it's so cosy....

In other riveting news, I discovered that my thumb drive is washable!
Yes, this immobility thing is getting a bit old....
So why do I seem utterly incapable of getting to grips with my thesis?
Sigh....

Lame humour

Hahahahaha, lame, geddit? Oh I am just so funny......
Just remember next time you say, I could do that standing on one leg, you're probably right.
Unless it's emptying a large vase of flowers or getting washing off the line.
Today I am taking Noddie on our Saturday Train Adventure to the city. By myself. On one leg.
Huge thanks to the friend who blithely changed her pre-surgery promise of spending today helping me with my tearaway 3 year old (J is working) to coming over at 5.30pm with her boyfriend to cook us dinner. NOT!
But Noddie and I Will. Have. A. Good. Day.

The dining area at Southern Cross Station overlooks the tracks! What's not to enjoy?
*LATE EDIT* Noddie and I had a super outing. My Bulldogs and J's Magpies got up in thrillers. Friend and BF came over, cooked a delicious meal and we all had a lovely evening talking and laughing. Sickening, aren't we?

A happy day

I had a very happy day yesterday. I've been thinking whether to write about this but it was so important that I want to remember it. It's a bit more personal than usual so feel free to tootle off and come back when normal programming resumes later this week.
The Spousal Unit (hereafter referred to as TSU as he features heavily in this story) and I had A Talk. About a Serious Issue (SI) in our marriage. It's not really important what the issue was. I defy any Aussies reading to not hear Kath from Kath and Kim when they see the word "Issue". Mwahahah.
But the thing is, yesterday I felt as though TSU was really listening to me, and he didn't feel as though I was having a go at him. This probably happens 100% of the time for you clever-pants blissful-union types. TSU and I have to learn everything the hard way.
A few months ago I felt that, although we were trying as best we could, we were approaching a bit of a crisis. The SI was slowly starting to poison things. We weren't really unhappy, but we weren't as happy as I thought we could and should be. Even worse, we had a couple of massive blues which were so hurtful that I started to question whether TSU was who I thought he was. I was starting to get really worried about things. I'd tried and tried to explain my point of view but TSU didn't seem to want to, or know how to listen. I felt lonely and unsupported and I didn't know what to do. Then after one particularly horrid row, it struck me that he might be feeling the same way I was. Maybe he was being mean and defensive because, despite all my efforts to the contrary, he felt unsupported and lonely too?
I didn't want to think this. I wanted to stop trying and thinking and being generous. But not really. I really wanted Team LBTEPA* to be a team again.
What to do? What to do?
Not meaning to sound all Dr Phil here - what the heck, let's go there, shall we? I had to suck it up and see what I'd done to help create this situation. Recognise it, take it on board then try and change it.
So I wrote TSU a poem about how I was sorry I'd taken the easy road of seeing the bad instead of seeking the good. Stuff about how it was harder to make someone feel as though you have her back no matter what the situation, harder to let someone know that his wellbeing is the most important thing to you, harder to let someone know you're always on her side - and that from now on I would do the hard thing rather than the easy one. And I superimposed it over a nice sepia photo of us and hung it up in our bedroom (on his side of the bed LOL).
TSU isn't a 'talking about the relationship' bloke, but he did mention how the poem made him feel happier about things. Since then I've made a point of talking about Team LBTEPA more and reinforcing how happy I am to be in it with him.
I think my being incapacitated has helped too as TSU has had to man up, organise things and manage Noddie in a way he's never had to before. He's learning on his feet and doing a sterling job, BTW. Like anyone, he loves feeling competent and important and needed. Maybe he didn't get to feel like that enough before.
Which leads us to last night and The Talk. We both felt safe, comfortable and as though we were approaching a shared issue from the same side. And suddenly the SI wasn't so bad.
As I said, you blissful types might say, well duh! But we had to learn our own selves that if you don't focus on what's important it can start to slip away. And if your hearts are open you can get it back.
It's a happy day.

(from our fridge)

More anon, troupers!

*Team LBTEPA came into being when we toured Italy in 2002. We had our own little cheer and handshake, to be used when things were especially hairy (eg lost in the outskirts of Modena in the dark) or especially cool (eg upgraded to a suite). Names have been changed to spare your nausea at our mushiness.

Hoppity 101

Things to remember:
Lose 10kg
Do lots of upper-body work
NOTE: do this BEFORE you have to cart your lard around on crunches (as Noddie calls them).
Leave the packing tape in the bathroom (to do up the garbage bag over your cast when you shower).
Put scissors near towel, clothes etc so you can get the bag off after the shower.
You can bite through packing tape if you have to.
Don't try and do anything in the dark. There WILL be something to trip over.
The Naked Gun movies are hilarious.
Watching more than one at a time makes your brain hurt.
Don't pack away your bling - leave it hanging up where you can see it to remind you that being an athlete is a state of mind, not just activity.
Have a book at each sitting-down spot (kitchen, loo, couch, bed) so you don't have to cart them around.
A ham, cheese and tomato sandwich and a cuppa takes six trips to the fridge.
There's no hurry.
Having Noddie away at Nanny's for a sleepover and J away working on our rental house was lovely and peaceful.
I'm so glad they're back.

Beautiful

The surgeon is happy because the scar/swelling etc is all looking 'beautiful' (hmmm wonder what Mrs Surgeon looks like). It's kind of diagonally under the ankle bone - not where I thought it was, and a bit bigger than I expected.
I'm happy because my new fibreglass cast is much more solid, snug, and comfortable than the plaster. 5 more weeks, then when I return to see the surgeon I have to bring a shoe to wear home.
*And Jenny, I'm going to wear these.

Honestly Jeanne, I have barely moved this week. It's not far from the couch to the kettle.

Storm in a teacup

So the damn cast gets looser and looser and I lose my footing and trip and twist my foot inside the cast and it hurts like absolute #$%!! all day.
sh*t
sh*t
sh*t
sh*t
(that looks quite pretty with all those dear little asterisks, doesn't it?)

Off to bed now. Not so cranky tomorrow. It will be all better in the morning.
WEDNESDAY: I rang the surgeon's office. I'm seeing him tomorrow. That's good.

day 5 on planet hoppy

Feeling well enough to think about picking up my knitting needles today; have also learned an extraordinary amount about termites from an SBS documentary so I will be well prepared if ever stuck in the desert without antibacterial agents. I also learned how to pronounce chitin (the stuff insect exoskeletons are made of), which pleased me. Hey, it's my life.
I have been watching the live feed from Ironman Coeur d'Alene. I am utterly enamoured of that stuff. I get all teary when people run across the line with their kids or their parents. People who have had the guts to dream big and go after it - they put goosebumps on my arms. I want to be like them.
Speaking of which, pop over to Iron Benny's and Wil's blogs RIGHT NOW and congratulate them on their races this weekend.

For the first three days I was home from hospital I read back-to-back recovery-from-medical-disaster memoirs; suddenly I went utterly off that genre and have gingerly picked up Slow Fat Triathlete. That and some crappy detective stories should do the trick. A little bit of inspiration and some mind candy. I think it'll be a while before I feel like this, or this. Plenty of time.
What do you read to inspire you?

Hoppity

It seems my clever strategy of writing "NOT THIS FOOT!" on my good ankle was successful.

The surgeon reattached the ligament and removed a floating piece of bone (ewwww). No fusion or graft. Such a relief.
The first two days were absolutely f#$%ing excruciating, but everything is much better now.
Still a bit weary and dopey. My saintly Mama is staying with us and has taken Noddie on her Saturday Train Adventure as J is at work. I want to be like her when I grow up.
Plan "No dishes for me, mwahahaha!" still working well.

Thanks 100000000000000000000000000000 times for all your supportive comments and thoughts. I got all blinky when J brought them in for me to read. *wipes eyes again*
More anon, sleepyheads
oh, that's just me :)

SPOUSAL COMMENTS

Hi guys, Spousal unit here!!!!
At last access to the blog has been gained. Hours of searching for hidden passwords?? (I wish i had the patience)
NO I was given said password and strict instructions to inform everyone
of the outcome of todays surgery.
Well it goes like this:
After giving up precious hours of sleep I dropped off the good lady at
7.30am (no beds available at this time) so she gets to wait in the day surgery.
The operation went very well, it was the best case senario, where only stretching
and stitching back was required. The only minor hiccup was a 10cent piece of bone
found floating around, which was promptly removed. When I last saw the patient
she was about to self administer a dose of morphine (she said it was for the pain,
with a big grin on her face!!)
All being well she may be home tommorrow.
I certainly hope so, the dishes won't wash themselves.
Till next time we meet,
this is the spousal unit signing off!!!

Cranky for Australia!

Sche·ma
A diagrammatic representation; an outline or model.
A pattern imposed on complex reality or experience to assist in explaining it, mediate perception, or guide response.

I don't have a schema for this! I like schemas! I want a schema!
I have no idea what it will be like.
Like when I did my first half-marathon.
Or when I went into labour.
But not.
And they both worked out ok.....kind of...

I have only your wonderful support , fast healing, and a habit of optimism (I knew cultivating that would come in handy). I need nothing more. Just as well since it's all I have, no?

I am Olympic-standard cranky today. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
(In an optimistic, well supported way).


The surgeon's receptionist tells me I'm 'fifth on the list' (coo er hospital talk how flash) and I'll be 'done before lunch'. Hmmm.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back to a computer. I'll get the Spousal Unit to let you know how it goes.
Why are so many 'crutch' jokes popping into my head?


More anon, comrades.

Logic need not apply

I still cannot really get my head around the fact that I am voluntarily walking into a hospital with the intention of allowing my foot to be cut open. This makes no sense to me, yet I am still going to do it. I am deliberately subjecting myself to pain, temporary disability and significant inconvenience. What sort of nong am I? Don't answer that!
This endless wrestling match between logic and fear is quite distracting. Frontal lobes versus brain stem. Homo sapiens against australopithicus. I have been utterly unimpressed by my level of cheerful stoicism (why is there no abstract noun for frantic?), and as for moderation - all I can say is if you bear even the slightlest resemblance to a glass of wine, cheese, rice crackers or bread, then for your own safety, run, don't walk, away from me. Gentlemen may wish to look away here - it appears I am dealing with PMS as well as terror-induced loopiness. Great.
There's a wierd compulsion to do all the things I won't be able to after Thursday - swimming, walking with Noddie, hopping on a train, driving my car - although, strangely, not cleaning the bathroom or stocking up on groceries. I am over the casserole thing too, thank goodness. It struck me that if our situations were reversed, the Spousal Unit wouldn't be thinking he should clean the house from top to bottom or lay in supplies. I was acting as though I don't trust him to look after me. That's pretty disrespectful, and untrue. Understanding in my heart that I will get all the support I need has made all the difference.
Three sleeps to go.

So how's next Wednesday for you?

*
Good news! No cracks or chipped-off bits of the talus bone, just bruising!
Bad news! No lateral ligament! Only smeggy little scraps o'nothing!
I am having a reconstruction next Wednesday. The surgeon will either find the ends and stick them together, or get another bit from the back of my foot and use that to fix it all up. After the surgery I will be in plaster for six weeks then do 3-6 months of rehab before returning to full bionic-woman status.

I am speechless. Bamboozled, horrified, thunderstruck, floored.

Must. Make. Lists.
Long black and lemon tart, STAT! (strange, I don't feel better...)
Return library books.
Get new ones. Or would it be better to not get new ones as I don't know how long it will be before I can drive?
Ask surgeon how long before I can drive.
Thank heaven J hasn't sold the station wagon yet b/c all our other cars are manuals.
Go to chemist.
Try and work out what to have for lunch.What do I want for lunch? I don't know!!!
Make casseroles - yes, casseroles, that's the ticket! We need casseroles!
Slap self on head, try and get a grip.
Ring surgeon and ask questions I forgot this morning (although when I enquired how many of these procedures he'd done, he looked me in the eye and said it was his first go ever. I really had to kill him. Do. Not. Mock. Me.) **
Decide whether this is an opportunity to build character and severely cut down drinking.
Decide to decide later.
Look on bright side
- I heal fast
- Upper body workouts!
- I'll finish the rug I'm knitting
- winter is a good time to be in plaster, not too hot

Decide lists are stupid idea.
Feel sad.

*these are not my boots. They symbolise some cheerful-type positive-thinking BS
**He's actually done 2-3 ankle reconstructions a week for about ten years. JUST AS WELL

Don't try and tell Noddie...

that she's not a princess

that there's such a thing as going too fast

or that it's too cold to go into the water!

Happy Queen's Birthday :)

Reminders

A couple of things: thanks so much for all your dietary advice. I have embraced it wholeheartedly and feel much better now. Dan Murphy's also thanks you.
I am not allowed to ride my bike at all even with non-clip pedals because of the twisting out and the taking my full weight on my foot when I stop. Once I have finished this latest round of antibiotics, (and depending what the surgeon says next week, sigh ) I can get back on my exercise bike and in the pool. Oh, how I am looking forward to that....

As I float, determinedly zen-like, atop the seething sea of frustration that is my bacteria-infested, unstable-jointed, six-weeks'-wait-for-ethics-approval (W.T.F?) existence, I thought I would share some of the things I keep around me to remind me what's important. These are in a row on my study wall.

My Mum gave me this poster when I was in about year 10. It says "Rise above the ordinary". It's a bit tattered from being carted around and stuck up with pins and blu-tac all these years, but it reminds me that I can live by my ideals and follow my dreams.

This photo is of Chris Grant, former captain and game record-holder of my beloved Bulldogs. The wording is "Loyalty- we make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give".

Isn't this brilliant? It's a replica of posters displayed in London during the Blitz. I saw it on the beautiful DG's blog and had to have one. It makes me laugh and reminds me to cheer the heck up!

I also have this on my fridge, but that's neither here nor there.

What inspirational things do you keep around you?

That's Mrs Cranky to you

1.45 pm saw the surgeon
2.15 pm had xrays
2.40 saw the surgeon again
- definite ligament tear, which should have responded to treatment by now
2.45 made appointment for MRI to check out possibilities
- bruised bone?
- cracked bone?
- cracked off piece of bone?

(Short pause while LBTEPA indulges in extensive profanity)

SO
Friday night - MRI
Thursday week - surgeon again
NO
running
riding on my real bike (because of clipping out)
buying shoes and stuffing my gob with shite
YES
swimming
exercise bike
complaining

BETTER NOT TO TALK TO ME. I AM IN A VERY BAD MOOD.

More positive, solution-focused, blessing-counting stuff ANON. NOT NOW.

ABC

Another
Bloody
Cold!
I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS! I am a HEALTHY person! Germs, bugs and lurgi of any shape, size, or persuasion can just BUGGER OFF! Since the spectacular failure of project "go on, exercise while you're on antibiotics, you'll be fine!", I am resting like billy-oh - and turning into a ball of lard in the process, alas, but what can you do? NOT run a 10km on Sunday week, that's what. Meh.

I'm getting excited about the new training plan I have made up, even though I'm not sure when I'll be able to start (*sigh*). It's pretty basic - endurance ABC, if you like. Weeks one and two will be 2 runs, 2 swims and 2 cycles of 20-30 minutes each. Baby steps. Every second week I will add 5 minutes to the sessions. After 8 weeks I'll review, and start doing more targeted stuff, depending on my goal races for spring and summer. As a means of staying fired up in this exercise limbo, I've been reading Endurance Athlete's Edge and The Woman Triathlete. Chock-full of fat-free goodness, both of them. I might even buy the second one. I also finally got around to reading It's Not About the Bike - do you know, I always thought Kristin Armstrong got the rough end of the stick when they split, but now I think she may have had a lucky escape.....

As for last week's succumbing to the siren call of shoe-temptation: Katy is right, I am hopeless. I hope feeling so bad about my failure of backbone (even though I didn't end up buying anything) will innoculate me against the demon ebay for some time. I CAN manage my paltry life stresses without retail therapy. I can!
And I CAN stop eating any carbs that aren't nailed down.
And I CAN stop giving myself extra drinkies becuse I'm feeling a bit dismal. Yes I can!

We got 2 new goldfish yesterday. Noddie named hers Pish.

Surgeon tomorrow.

More anon :)

what I have learned from ebay

Alas! I was outbid! Oh well. I'm simply not prepared to pay more than $50 for a pair of shoes I haven't tried on, no matter how gorgeous they are.

Humour me here, but I think Ebay is a lot like life (see, I have moved on from when ebay was life...)
There's a lot of stuff out there - have fun looking at it!
Decide what you REALLY want.
Have a plan (you knew I'd say that).
Decide how exactly much you are prepared to give for this particular thing.
Give it everything you've got - draw the line when you reach the point where it is costing you too much.
If it doesn't work out the way you planned, there was nothing more you were prepared to do, so no reason to be unhappy. You did your best. You were true to your principles.
There will always be other red shoes.

That countdown timer is giving me the pip; it's actually 4 more sleeps until the surgeon. NOT that I am sweating on it AT ALL, nooooooooooo not me....

More anon, philosophers!

Feet of clay

I know, I know, I said no ebay for 2 months, and it's only been 4 weeks ( a huge personal best, BTW), and no shoes until I've had 25 AFDs, and it's only been 3, but who could resist these darlings?

(or these, but I actually need them and they're much cheaper direct from the US so it doesn't count).

No jokes about shoes being my achilles heel, please - far too corny (CORNY, geddit? hahahaha, gosh I'm SO funny...) I'm back on the wagon now, I promise!



I'm meeting my new thesis supervisor tomorrow.
I have decided to believe that the surgeon will do all the scans and then decide I don't need surgery after all, or
the scans will reveal I need a ligament repair rather than a full reconstruction, or
it will all go superbly well and I will heal marvellously quickly.

more anon, Imeldas!

Thawed

I've come out the other side of the frozen feeling that gripped me after Thursday's news. I couldn't work out what that feeling was - I just felt frozen and heavy and so very tired. I spent a fair bit of time just sitting down. I definitely wasn't being stoic or cheerful - sorry chaps, I just couldn't do it, I lied like a rug in my last post. Those thoughts at the end were just what I wanted to be thinking. I wasn't catastrophising or wallowing in the self-pity pool (not that there's anything wrong with that!); I was just...frozen.
Then I recognised it.
Oh f#$%, now I have to be brave again dammit.
Brave meaning stoic and organised and diligent and positive and making sure the people who love me aren't too bummed by my circumstances. Brave meaning getting my head around things and accepting them.
It's not that I didn't/don't want to do these things. I do, and I will. It's just accepting that here is really, yes, another hurdle life has thrown down that I have to jump.
Please don't think I'm claiming heroic-struggling-through-adversity status or anything. This is not life-threatening to me or my loved ones. I won't lose my livelihood. My thesis supervisor is leaving and I will be getting another one. There has been no improvement in stability or soreness after 8 weeks of diligent rehab on my ankle. It's f&%*ed. I wouldn't be surprised if it needs surgery (rest assured Jeanne, I'll be getting more than one opinion). That's all.
Of course my inner adolescent is howling in self-centred protest - why me? Not again! this isn't faaaair! Of course I am extremely dark that just when I am finally ready to lay down a solid winter of training my stupid ankle turns on me. Ok, I turned on it, but this is my reality, thankyou.
But there's no point in working myself up when I don't know anything concrete yet. It's a waste of energy. I am getting very practiced at hushing those hysterical voices so they don't wear me out.
I see the surgeon on Tuesday week and should find out about my new thesis supervisor around then too. Until then I'll just try and float along on top of it all.



Oh, and probably drink too much and complain a lot.

More anon, my ducklings!
BTW I reset my star counter to zero. It's time to cut the b#%%s*&$ . 1 AFD = 1 star. 25 stars = new shoes.

no discernible endpoint

What to say, what to say?
So I went to visit with my thesis supervisor and he told me he’s leaving in three weeks. After all the insincere oh good luck to you don’t worry we’ll sort everything out it will be fine conversation was over, hmm said I to myself, I think I’ll go for a swim.
Uni pool - closed
Off to the library
Hmmm I said to myself I don't feel like studying today, I think I’ll toddle off to my usual pool
Oooo I thought, gosh my ankle is stinging
Hey, I meant to go to the physio this week for a checkup!
Hmm said the physio as he twisted my ankle around
There’s no discernible endpoint here.......
(that’s bad)
Never fear, you can run for years and years on an ankle this unstable, as long as you tape it all the time! No worries whatsoever about the Melbourne half in October!
But what, I enquired, if you want to run every Melbourne half for the next 40 years?
Hmm said the physio
Here’s a referral to an orthopaedic surgeon. You might need a reconstruction.


......



Stoic cheerfulness being the LBTEPA way
- If there is a good time for your thesis supervisor to bugger off, this is it, as the ethics application is in but the data collection and analysis have yet to start
- a fresh perspective on the project could be the making of it
- I can still run swim and ride until this is all sorted out
- I might not have to have surgery anyway
- I have health insurance
- my ankle will end up stronger than before no matter what happens
- there’s plenty of sparkling shiraz in the rack

Stay tuned..............

Now I suppose I'll have to get one of those countdown doovers

Damn you, online entry! How many more times will I rue my impulsivity? How many days left until October 7th?

This thing has A CUTOFF TIME AT 11KM!
If I make it, I get to do a lap of the MCG!!!!!!!
I can pretend I'm Kerryn McCann.

I feel faint.

MUCH more anon, big dreamers.

Back away slowly

If I were you I'd be retreating as fast and as far as possible from the cesspit of infection that is Chez LBTEPA, spraying disinfectant as I went.
Noddie's sniffle has progressed to a fruity cough, although that didn't stop her riding her little bike all the way down our hill to the creek yesterday, and along the path and back (but not up the hill. She's not stupid). Her bike has trainer wheels; I fear what will happen when they come off because I already had to run to keep up with her! She's such a game little thing - after we got home she flaked it on the couch for a good hour.
J has a nasty cold which of course means he thinks he can loll about watching TV while grunting monosyllables, and I have a stupid infection requiring antibiotics. After I finish this post I'm off to G00gle whether I should be training this week. I usually follow the "above the neck" rule but I don't know how that goes with antibiotics... It's a good thing we are all healthy and recover quickly.

You would really be far better off nipping over to visit geekgirl, Simlin and Nancy and congratulate them on their great races this weekend!! Well done all of you!

In closing, I'd just like to say WOOF WOOF WOOF!

more anon, diehards

Sniffly Saturday

Noddie has had the sniffles and a cough the last couple of days so we have put in some solid sessions of Playschool in front of the new heater - the latter, BTW, which has usurped my electric blanket as one of my top three favourite things in the house, along with my mp3 cause it makes me run, and the computer because that's where all my friends live. I never said I wasn't fickle.
I am steadfastly defying any viral invasion with echinacea, patented cold remedies, vitamin C, plenty of water and sleep, and exercising as though The Schedule was the Gospel. So far so good.
Just wanted to share a really nice moment with you - I was running this morning (oh how casually she writes that!) when the sun came up, and I was all washed in gold! My elongated shadow was my playmate in that fiery, gorgeous world. It was a moment of joy and it's made me smile all day.
I'd best be orf - it's playdough time, woo hoo! I might let Noddie have a go later.
More anon, strivers :)

Make 'em laugh

How to make people laugh
- overdo it on the bike in February
- rehab shins, calves and achilles in March
- sprain your ankle really thoroughly in April
- rehab that
- run twice in 10 days as your only preparation for a hilly two-loop 8km
- forget your 5/2 run/walk plan; run all the way!
- walk around again with your kid
- imbibe injudiciously most of the afternoon
- sit down at your desk most of the next day
- attempt to walk down stairs while people are watching
Voila - helpless giggles from the assembled throng!

Maaaaaaaaate........
Ow ow ow ow
I haven't felt this much of a dill since....um....
But....
I don't care! It was a SPLENDID day! And after the bike last night and the pool this morning I am much better! And my medal is in my pocket because it makes me feel happy!

Does swimming in the morning make you hungry? It's not long since lunch and I could gnaw my own arm off.

more anon, carb-cravers!

Happy Mother's Day

This will be short because I'm pretty tired, the Bulldogs won in a thriller, and I had to spend the afternoon with my m-i-l so I've had a couple* of sherbets.
*ok, more than a couple. But for the best possible motives.
I love my Mum. I do my best to be a good Mum to Noddie. I had a magnificent example.

It was a beautiful morning that turned into a golden day. Mum was stoked with her 4km time; my 8km was slow but I was happy with it, considering. Noddie was a complete legend doing the 4km walk, although we spent some time being 'trains' - Lara was the driver, Mummy was the weary carriage and Daddy was the engine, pulling us all up the steep bits! My ankle is tired and a bit painful but not at all sore. Phew.

Now if you are lucky enough to have your Mum nearby, go and hug her and tell her you love her.
More anon, my friends.

Noddie's very first race number

*wipes tear from eye*
I'm so proud.

Tweaking

Firstly, get thee hence to Wes’ page and shower him with praise for finishing his very first triathlon!!
Secondly, THANKS for all your comments; as you know, I LIVE for attention LOL.

An ebay-free existence is weird. I am quite horrified at how much time I spent trawling for size 10 red shoes and size 14 wrap/crossover tops!

So, LBTEPA, how are you getting on with your stars, I hear you ask? I didn't hear you ask? Oh well...... you may want to skip this next bit...up to you of course...
In my tweak-it-‘til-it’s-perfect way, I have amended the criteria somewhat.
- physio exercises and stretches every day. No calf raises, no star.
- as far as possible, cheerfulness! I feel so very flat lately that this is a hard -but clearly important - habit of mind to maintain.
- eat like a lean person – start when I’m hungry, stop when I’ve had enough. Food as fuel and pleasure not anaesthetic against agitation or anger.
- no impulse buys. This is a bit complicated, but I have decided that one lunch and one coffee each week is ok. No earrings unless they are astonishingly fabulous AND better than the ones I am wearing, no lipstick, and NO beads! Mmmmm…beads…….
- un-stupid drinking. You know what I mean.
Nothing too hard, nothing too easy. Everything is aimed at longer-term goals – lose weight, throw a lifebouy to my plummeting mood, smarten up my finances, recover from this injury stronger than before etc etc – but gives me immediate rewards. I can have a star if I judge that I've put in a fair dinkum effort on all these things.

I am NOT talking about running because I am SULKING. My ankle has been all sore and sting-y and unpleasant since Saturday and I am going back to my physio tonight so he can tell me everything is normal and it’s ok and I didn’t do anything bad to it.

For the last four or five Sunday nights, I have put my swimming stuff near the door ready to go to the pool before work next morning. And for the last three or four Mondays I have got out of bed at the usual time and shamefacedly put my swimming bag back in the wardrobe.
Yesterday morning ........
*drumroll*
I got up early and went swimming! It was just lovely!I like this photo so much I put it up as the wallpaper on my work pc

What small victories have you had lately? Go ahead, talk yourself up! You deserve it!

More anon, back-patters :)

3 things

1. I am eschewing ebay because I have been using it to soothe myself when I'm agitated or despondent at uni or work. That's not what it's for. It's for reaffirming my status as a bargain-finder of legendary repute.



2. I made this for Noddie yesterday and felt all sentimental because I can remember my Mum making me a sock puppet. I'm sure I didn't call mine Daniel though.





3. I went for a run this morning.
*beams; exudes glow of quiet satifaction*

The things you learn...

If I was one of those impressively athletically successful people my blog would be bursting with impressive workouts, graphs and race reports.
If I was one of those madly keen weight-loss champions my blog would be full of recipes, charts and profound thoughts on my relationship with food.
If I was one of those wonderfully philosophical parents, my blog would be an oasis of reflection, learning and adorable family anecdotes.
Tough luck on you guys, eh? If that level of focus and excellence is what you're after, click on a few of my 'good reads' - those people are a source of inspiration to me every day. And you are too. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you write in my comments, I really can't.
I digress.
I like to have goals. Now that I am temporarily without them, I have realised that having things to look forward to that excite me, that involve effort and measurable improvement, is one of my great pleasures. It's been really hard just waiting patiently for my ankle to heal. I want to plan, and train, and get excited! I have not run even once yet. I'm a bit scared - ok, ok, petrified out of my mind - of what will happen when I do. BTW it's not fear that's stopping me - like the lovely Jeanne, I await, and await, and await medical permission to hit the footpath.
One thing I am really looking forward is the Mother's Day run. I urge anyone who's never done it to show up, do something for breast cancer, and enjoy an amazing, beautiful experience. It's such a tremendous atmosphere, I just love it. My plan is to run 3min walk 2. After my Mum does the 4km and I've finished the 8, we will meet up with J and Noddie and do the 4km walk - Noddie's second race as an official entrant!! I've got her an event t-shirt and she'll get her own bling too. I know I should use my powers for good and not evil, but I want her to be as hooked on big races as I am, mwahahaha...
In the "Why can't the new things we learn about ourselves as we get older be all good?" category:
I am an impulse buyer when I am under stress.
I didn't know this. I'm usually a really disciplined shopper. But the siren call of my four letter friend - no actual shopping, no actual money - has ensnared me. When I worked out how many clothes I've bought in the last three months I cringed. In a beautifully-dressed way. But still.
So the plan is this.
NO EBAY FOR TWO WHOLE MONTHS. That should be long enough to bring that nasty habit to its knees. Roaaaaaaar!

More anon, Scrooges!

That'll teach me

If you need the word 'smegged' explained to you, the best thing to do would be to get a dvd of the utterly hilarious BBC series Red Dwarf.
For those who must know now, a brief explanation: the word is used in much the same way as other vulgar euphemisms. Some examples: 'smeg off!'; 'can't be smegged'; 'this smegging piece of smeg still doesn't work, even after I've wasted the whole smegging evening reinstalling the smegging operating system'.
Research has found no ascertainable connection with expensive kitchen appliances.
As far as conjugation goes, you can bung it in pretty much anywhere. Mostly it just makes you sound like a bit of a half-back flanker, as I have helpfully demonstrated. Don't say I never do anything for you.

Now do let's LET IT GO, and talk about me instead.
My star tally is up to ten, which means that my eating/ drinking/ spending/whingeing have been on track for well over half the time. This is good.
My research proposal, ethics and funding submissions have been slapped into submission and handed in on time, despite my having to reinstall my stupid computer's operating system.
And best of all, my hop count has also reached ten! Not long now until we are free again, my pretties ...not long now....

more anon, barnstormers!

Acting As If

Positive? Moi? Why thanks darls!
It's been hard to write lately because I have been feeling so up and down.
It might all seem relentlessly positive; that's because that's the mindset I am trying to create for myself. Underneath there's always that little voice....
I am so sad that my ankle hurts and feels weak and unstable
I'm talking big about the Mother's Day run but I am NOT confident about doing it
Hurting myself again would be really bad
When did my waist turn into a beanbag?
Do you really lose all ability to lose weight when you turn 40? That WAS sudden!
I hope I'm not hurting myself with my new cleat position
My house is a mess
I feel like such a failure

I can't live like that. Boring, waste of energy, unattractive...you fill the gaps
So the plan is this...

I am Acting As If these are true

I am strong and healthy and I heal well.
I am lean and I drop weight easily.
I am determined and capable.
I am cheerful, and always look on the bright side.


I know it makes for boring posts, but it gets me by.
And by Acting As If, I will Make It So.

I coudn't be smegged vacuuming yesterday so I moved all the furniture around instead :) My house is still dusty but much more chic.
On our Saturday Train Adventure today, I took Noddie up the Rialto Tower. I love being up high!

Important stuff.

I think one of the very important things ANZAC day teaches us is to apply some perspective to our small troubles, and to give thanks for our blessings. We can all do with more of that.
Lest We Forget.


I am cross with myself because my stupid ankle is a bit tweaky after I didn't-even-roll-it-just-lost-balance-off-a-curb yesterday during Noddie's and my 6.5km Epic Adventure Walk to Daddy's Work And Back. It took us about 3 hours, what with detours through Secret Parks, stops to turn Teddy's pram into a train (Noddie's obsession du jour; at least when it was a train she didn't want to leave it behind in someone's front yard), a sausage-in-a-roll picnic in Bunnings' car park, and we've-counted-twenty-houses-so-it's-time-for-another-bikkie breaks. Gosh that kid is a trouper. I was so proud of her I nearly cried.

I've been feeling a bit fed up all this week, for no real reason, but am remaining true to the LBTEPA code of stoic cheerfulness and have earned a few more stars. Hey, you remember I was fancying myself as a bike guru? I cannot BELIEVE the difference moving my cleats back 1cm has made!! Oooh I felt so strong and powerful as I trundled along on Minerva yesterday! And guess what? I think the mothers' day fairy might be getting me a biomechanical bike fitting! Bliss!*does excited girly hand flap*

Best be orf now chaps, as I have to get something vaguely resembling a 2000-word research proposal done by tomorrow afternoon.

More anon, bibliophiles!

We're baaaack!

Minerva and me, we're back on the road, bay-beeeee! Woooo hoooooo!
My wonderful physio, he of Infinite Powers of Healing, has Spoken. And he has Said that Minerva and I may once again ride out through the land. And the people (well, me) rejoiced!
He also said when you can hop you can run. People with IPoH make obsure pronouncements like that. But don't you worry boys and girls, hop I shall.... Project Skippy is underway as we speak - I'd tell you about it, but the details are so top secret I'd have to kill you... well actually they're so boring you might die, involving as they do tiresome and repetitive exercises on steps. Moving on.



So Minerva came in from the back verandah and was dusted with a baby wipe and had her tyres pumped up. Then I rode her dowwwwwwwnnnnnnnn the big hill we live on to see if I could remember how to use the flicky-flicky gears (I could), then uuuuuuuupppp the big hill we live on to see if it was any easier than last time (it wasn't puff puff pant pant). Then off we went out into the wind and the fresh air and the spits of rain and I felt more alive than I have for weeks. *beams*
Now my glutes are tired, but that's good because it means I'm actually using them now LOL. Three guesses as to how I overused my calves so badly *pouts*. Life is so full of possibilities for biomechanical error, isn't it? My ankle feels a bit sore from twisting my foot to unclip, which is a bit of a worry, but I will think about it later. Since I'm fancying myself as a bit of a bike guru these days (hahahahahahaha) I'm going to move the cleat on my right shoe back about 5mm to see if it fixes the unbalanced feeling when I pedal. Tres fascinating, no?
My next post may be from gaol as the Spousal Unit has been giving me such SERIOUS 'tude* about picking up after himself lately that I may have to have him taken out.

More anon, bipeds**
*Ooooh I am so scary and gangsta LOL
**and a big hello to any quadrupeds who may be reading as well! Everyone is welcome at Chez LBTEPA, we're not picky AT ALL

and on a more cheerful note,

'cause cheerfulness is our raison d'etre here at chez LBTEPA...*

check out my new poster boy for the slow, the lardy and the proud. What a legend! Be inspired by his big dream here!

More anon, trundlers!
*By this I mean no disrespect whatsoever to those affected by the Virginia Tech tragedy. It's just how I cope with the world.

Rant, interrupted

I was going to have a rant about this (alleged) despicable, contemptible behaviour - even in football there has to be a line which players have too much self-respect and humanity to cross -
but then I heard about the dreadful tragedy at Virginia Tech, and I didn't have the heart.

When you go out, smile at the next person you see.
Let someone in before you in the queue or the traffic.
Ask a stranger who looks upset if she is ok.
Hug your beloved spouse and child and tell them you love them.
Speak out when the basic humanities are disrespected.
Always choose to be kind.

Love one another.

Star light, star bright

If my whiny evil twin was in charge today this post would be all
My ankle is a mess
It hurts to walk, it’ll be forever until I run again or even get on the bike
Why do I f#$% everything up all the time
It will take eons to get fit again
I nearly weigh The Number again and I don’t care,
Why don’t I care? Because I am lazy and I suck
No wonder I have no friends/am so fat/have such awful clothes etc etc
Oh woe is me, oh woe!
(and you, my dear long-suffering readers, would be saying, there she goes again…)
But
That crybaby sooky-arse la-la has been banished to the sleepout, and I am running the show, mwahahaha!
And I have A Plan!
Like my poor Bulldogs (another football team for you, Wes) I need to get Back To Basics. What things are contributing to the downward slippery-slope of sloth and lardiness? What can be done about them?
Currently, pain + inactivity + other stresses = helplessness = eating and drinking and whining.
There is little to be done about the first two for the moment, as activity is pretty much restricted to what my ankle will take, which is not much. Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation and Patience. And Stretching. So that would be RICEPS. Or PRICES. Anyway. On to the rest of the sorry equation.
I know what works for me in terms of motivation and habit change. Small changes. Failure-proof, a-bit-hard-but-not-too-hard goals. Regular small rewards. What can I do that will give me all these things? Aha!
*drumroll*
Star Stickers!


I knew you'd be impressed.....

In order to get one of these little treasures on my calendar, I must
- stretch and do my physio exercises
- STOP when I realise I’m eating from tiredness or anxiety or anger
- Seek the support I need from J.
- challenge ‘it’s no use, you may as well give up’ thoughts.
- not more than one alcoholic drink, and most importantly
- strive for cheerfulness!!!

Don’t laugh – actually, laugh if you want to, it’s not your motivation that has gone AWOL! This will be the magic that transforms the LBTEPA universe!! So far (three days into the experiment) “Star Days” have made me smile as I rebuild my physical and mental strength. I *heart* my star stickers!

More anon, twinklers!

the horror, the horror

Let it be stated at the outset that I have nothing but admiration for those plucky souls who are publicly taking charge of their own health on The Bigge$t Lo$er. Nor would I presume to criticise those people who find the program inspiring - everyone is entitled to her own opinion, and yes, sometimes something is edited in that is quite moving. The show repels me on the grounds that it seems to me superficial, voyeuristic, emotionally manipulative, discouraging and occasionally dangerous in its advice. Not to mention that "...we'll find out after the break..." shite....aarrgh...come orrrn AJ, you're a legend, why are you doing this?
So imagine my dismay when, after eight years of blissful cohabitation, I found that my dear Spousal Unit - friend of my bosom* and helpmeet in life's vicissitudes - had turned to the dark side. He cannot miss his daily B L fix. I could not be more appalled if he'd taken up smoking, started voting for Our Glorious Leader or ditched his beloved Pies for the northern code. What to do? What to do? Luckily a) that show is on at Noddie's story time so I have a legitimate excuse for leaving the room, and b) it can't be on for much longer, surely....
but then , J has gone back to the gym this week for the first time in four years. So what do I know?
In ORN (Obligatory Running News - all the coolest blogs have it, just ask Wes) ...errr... there isn't any. The floppiness of my rainbow-hued ankle has concerned my physio to the extent that he is treating it like a grade 2 sprain.That's me on the exercise bike for the next two weeks at least. No permanent damage, though. No worries. Nothing worth getting upset over, no?
Upset, no, appreciative of quantities of champagne, yes....

I am lying. I'm a bit upset. My heart has cracked a little bit, the way it does when the universe gives you ar wee reminder of its haphazardness. But not to worry. As Noddie would say, these things happen.

LBTEPA'S ATTITUDE FOR APRIL = cheerful and stoic.



More anon, hippety-hoppers!

*He just read this over my shoulder and said, "I'll say, rwowr!" Pervert.

what not to do on your holidays

DO go to the races with your family

and have a lovely time

DO NOT trip over and alarm your dear mother while running

IF YOU MUST have a cold bath, make sure you have a classic to read and something nice to drink

DO apply a compression bandage after icing a bruise. It works a treat and I am almost all better today :)

DO empty your pockets before getting into the bath :(

Goodbye, my little red companion!

*TUESDAY MORNING*
It works again!

Hi ho, hi ho

..it's off to work I go....
The bowels of the uni library are my home for today, as I avoid dirty bathrooms and crumb-y rugs and unpacked weekend bags, instead facing up to unread articles and an unwritten research summary. Wait! What's that?
*NEENAWWNEENAWW!!! NEGATIVITY ALERT! NEGATIVITY ALERT!*
If I was to hear Noddie bleating like this (unlikely, although her vocabulary is increasing - she was in the back yard 'helping' the Spousal Unit hang out the washing when she pointed at his Shed O'Shite and told him it was disgraceful hahahaha...suck it up, J, cos she's not wrong...) I would ask her, how can we say that in a cheerful way?
Hmmmm...
I think I have my head around my thesis argument, I just have to write it down. I can do that.
Tomorrow we're going to Mum and Dad's for the weekend.
My achilles tendons, shins and calves are ever so pleased with all the stretching they are getting, so I have been able to run three times this week!
*short pause for happy dance*

Hot cross buns exist.
On Sunday we rejoice in the resurrection of love and hope.
What's not to be cheerful about?
Bugger, grumbles LBTEPA's whiny twin, I was looking forward to feeling miserable all day...

Now *whistling (and inflicting all my dear readers with an irritating earworm)* hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

Have a very happy Easter everyone :)

Maybe mojo, and an experiment.

I seem to have plummeted through March with an unpleasant splat. But the new month has imparted some new positivity and energy. I believe I might find my mojo soon!
This shin/calf/foot thingy has provided unexpected learning – constant niggly pain makes me HUNGRY! As does being Slightly-Under-Par. I am ATTRACTING WELLNESS GODDAMMIT! Aches and sniffles and cough, FEAR ME, and BEGONE! (It's a little known fact that being an Evil Overlord IS the most effective way of Attracting stuff). Given that I am generally the headcold Bleatmeister, refusing to give any quarter to being S-U-P was an interesting experiment – I ran and exercise-biked and took Noddie to the Aquarium and did housework, and the s-word (sick…shhhhh!) was never allowed to cross my mind. Mind you I did chugalug echinacea and panadol and vitamin C, but that was for wellness. You see? Hey, it kept me amused.
How do you all keep yourselves from diving into yummy stuff when you’re S-U-P? All words of wisdom gratefully accepted! (I’m picturing a SWAT team surrounding the house - step away from the hot cross buns LBTEPA…nice and slowly…)
More anon, dominators! mwahahaha!

happy dance for Katy

Get over to Katy's blog straight away and join in the communal "WOOO HOOO!" as our favourite transplanted Texan is allowed to run again! Go Katy go!
Not much news here. Running - slow & short (but in a good way). Cycling - (clasps hand to forehead dramatically) oh, oh, how I miss my proper bike, my beloved Minerva - but the exercise bike gets me tres sweaty, and that has to be good, no? Remedial massage - ow f$%& ow f$%& ow f$%* ow f$%* ow f$%&! (but in a good way). Eating - all over the place, but maintaining somehow. Thesis - well....(short pause as LBTEPA curls into a ball and rocks back and forth). Social life - had lunch with the lovely and wise Kathryn to hand over my Run For the Kids t-shirt. I know she will do it proud, the lucky duck. She's been working hard for a good run - pop over to her blog and wish her luck for Sunday!
Today I am thankful for Michael Phelps' sublime swimming...28 strokes for 50m freestyle, swoon.... although I didn't realise he really has webbed feet!
I am also thankful for the constant entertainment provided by the outfit choices of the chickybabes at uni.
more anon,

How do you get a pikachu on a bus?

You Pokemon! I know, I know...I'm sooooo funny....

Some dross from my tea-powered Brownian motion random-thought-popper-outer*.

Treadmill running is way harder than outdoor running and makes me want to puke, but having my mp3 player up loud enough to drown out the doof doof makes me feel hardcore.
You can lose all your condition in two weeks - NOT YOU JEANNE!!! You run marathons!!!You'll be fine!!! But me...sheesh...if I was a pokemon I'd be Jigglypuff.

Thankyou from the bottom of my heart to J's employer for changing his roster so he starts at 09:00 instead of 07:00 and I can exercise at 06:15 not 05:15. 'Cause it is all about me.
Running short distances very slowly now means I will be able to run longer distances faster (hahahaha) later. Now a round of applause for Captain Obvious.
I will never never ever fail to stretch and warm up before a run ever again.
I am going to do things that make me impatient now so I can be one of those mad 90 year old bats who make people shake their heads and say, "she's doing what"?"
I never cried on a physio table until I had a remedial massage on Thursday.
I didn't know my response to excruciating pain was thinking "F#$%!" a lot of times.
Losing weight seems to be really hard and kind of depressing at the moment.
It worries me that I enjoy the windows media player display when I'm on my exercise bike too much.

Today I am thankful that my Mum, my sister and I are going to the swimming tonight!! Woo hoo!

more anon, amphibians

*It's not impossible that I read this at too impressionable an age.

Let us draw a kindly veil

I drove to Bendigo through the darkness, singing along to happy upbeat songs. I was ready to throw myself onto the mosh pit of my blog friends' social effortlessness and be carried along by their sparkle and insouciance. I wrapped my fears in my new dress and my hot red knee-high boots that J gave me for my birthday and sashayed into town.
But then there was too much noise, too much smoke, too many people, just a bunch of stupid stuff - nothing at all to do with the fine women I had driven so far to catch up with - and little Mrs "I wish I went out more and had more friends" just panicked. Lame sooky la-la "I don't-like-this-I wanna-go-home". So I bailed out. Sheesh. What a (insert descriptor-of-lameness here).
I got a taxi to my car and slept for a couple of hours. Then I drove home, listening to the cricket. It was an exciting game.

Don't worry, my head is full of all the criticisms my friends will be too polite to make.
Let's never mention this again.

*MUCH LATER* I DON'T KNOW WHY BLOGGER TURNED OFF THE COMMENTS!! IT WASN'T ME!!

If I only had the nerve...

*Please note: for full effect, the following should be read in a particularly nasal and whiny tone*

Life would be so much less tiring if I wasn't scared of things.
I'm scared to run on my poor sore feet and shins, even though the physio told me I can, and HAVE TO.
But I'm going to the gym to run on the treadmill in about 10 minutes when J gets home.
I'm scared to go to the Bloggers' sleepover in Bendigo tomorrow night - I don't know anyone! And what will I wear? You haven't seen these girls! They are gorgeous!
But it's all organised and J is razzing me for being a la-la so I have to go.
I'm scared about being six weeks behind in my thesis.
And the only thing I can do about that is dive into the library whenever I can and f#$%ing well get that f#$%er done. I WILL do well in spite of those useless bastards messing me around.
So of course there is a plan; it'd just be easier if I could get my shoulders down from my ears (*sigh*).
Today I am thankful for Noddie playing hide-and-seek with a little girl while I was queuing at Medicare, as until recently she would have told the little girl she didn't like her and to go away LOL.

More anon, yellow-brick road followers!

What I do in my spare time

Context: I started the year thinking my thesis would be about the contribution of catastrophising thought patterns to the functionality of chronic pain sufferers. Then my supervisor offered me a project looking at the functional MRIs of the urge to cough. Cool! thought I, and started reading and writing and popping into the lab.
Cut to last Friday: my lab supervisor realised that I have a job and can’t actually devote every waking moment to the project. Comment: I’m a mature-age, part-time student, and a parent, and neither supervisor thought to ask how much time I have available?
Cut to this morning: after a complete WOFTAM* discussion during which what has been blatantly obvious since last week was thrashed to death for the sake of the lab supervisor’s feelings, I have no thesis topic. Comment: heck, it’s only six weeks into term. No worries! Hahahahaha!
~ short pause whilst LBTEPA regains a grip~
My uni supervisor and I meet tomorrow to work out a new project. It’s a Very Good Thing I am quite bright and extremely hard-working, isn’t it?

Insight: on the way to work from this meeting I was seized by the strong urge to self-medicate with a long black and some lemon-curd tart (mmmmm lemon curd tart….) But then I thought about the feeling I was trying to hide from. It wasn’t anger or despair or hopelessness, but sadness from the fact that I had to make a choice which precluded other choices.
You see, the cough project would have been the chance of a lifetime if I wanted to pursue a career in research. And as cool and fascinating and flattering to my self-esteem as that would be, I don’t. My long-term plan is to qualify as a clinical psychologist and move to the country. My priorities are my family, my studies, my health and my work, in that order. That’s how I organise my life. It would be wrong to spend every waking moment for a year in the lab (even if I wanted to) when Noddie is only three years old and J keeps getting promoted at work and needs my support. So it is the chance of a lifetime, but someone else’s lifetime. That kind of sadness – regret? - isn’t painful enough to need to be flattened with even the yummiest looking lemon-curd tart (mmmmm lemon curd tart...).
So I had a very nice soy latte instead, and bought a cool vintage shirt for $5 which has been complimented by every single person in our fashionista-laden department.

And tonight I will take my creaky shins and knees out for their first run in ten days. Scary, but I'm game.

More anon, strivers
*Waste of F#$%ing Time And Money

Dude....

Goals for the day:
1. Get the washing in before it rained - 19 shirts and 23 pairs of undies (almost the Spousal Units's and my entire supply) usually summons a downpour. TICK!
2. Do something, ANYTHING toward my thesis (DON'T ask about the messing-with-my-head BS that is happening with THAT because I AM ATTRACTING HARMONY goddammit). TICK!
3. Do my stretches. TICK!
4. Put "3" instead of "2" in my AFD chart. So far so good :)
Late update: TICK!
Today I am happy about watching Finding Nemo with the Spousal Unit and Noddie. All together now..just keep swimming, swimming, swimming....