Then I recognised it.
Oh f#$%, now I have to be brave again dammit.
Brave meaning stoic and organised and diligent and positive and making sure the people who love me aren't too bummed by my circumstances. Brave meaning getting my head around things and accepting them.
It's not that I didn't/don't want to do these things. I do, and I will. It's just accepting that here is really, yes, another hurdle life has thrown down that I have to jump.
Please don't think I'm claiming heroic-struggling-through-adversity status or anything. This is not life-threatening to me or my loved ones. I won't lose my livelihood. My thesis supervisor is leaving and I will be getting another one. There has been no improvement in stability or soreness after 8 weeks of diligent rehab on my ankle. It's f&%*ed. I wouldn't be surprised if it needs surgery (rest assured Jeanne, I'll be getting more than one opinion). That's all.
Of course my inner adolescent is howling in self-centred protest - why me? Not again! this isn't faaaair! Of course I am extremely dark that just when I am finally ready to lay down a solid winter of training my stupid ankle turns on me. Ok, I turned on it, but this is my reality, thankyou.
But there's no point in working myself up when I don't know anything concrete yet. It's a waste of energy. I am getting very practiced at hushing those hysterical voices so they don't wear me out.
I see the surgeon on Tuesday week and should find out about my new thesis supervisor around then too. Until then I'll just try and float along on top of it all.
Oh, and probably drink too much and complain a lot.
More anon, my ducklings!
BTW I reset my star counter to zero. It's time to cut the b#%%s*&$ . 1 AFD = 1 star. 25 stars = new shoes.
10 comments:
Drinking always helps, I say as I finish the beer that I grabbed when I realized there is a very strong likelihood that I will finish LAST in my first triathlon next saturday. But for you, I hope you get answers soon - it sounds like you've been struggling with this injury for a long time! "NO discernable endpoint"- that's such a deep statement (as an American of course it sounds like our mess in Iraq!)
No one can be cheerful and stoic all the time. Hope all the news is good and you get an even better thesis supervisor.
I love the new star counter! Good luck at the surgeon- hope he is fantastically knowledgeable and looks like George Clooney.
oh man! i don't think anyone should have to be stoic with all that happening. i remember Gareth's PhD supervisor left and it was bloody traumatic, so with your injury TOO!? you deserve a nice drink or a door to kick or someone to punch! xx
Well, we'll just have to wait and see how it goes. You handle it any way that makes you happy. We're here for ya :-) I'll drink a few with ya tonight. You'll probably need to be drinking early in the morning there, but that's OK with Aussies, right? ;-)
Cool star counter. I like it.
Sorry for being a Slack Driver lately. I will blog about my foot shortly.
Promise!
What to say? "I understand" seems like such a cop out - but I really feel like I understand. I'm struggling with study and injury too!! Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to give up. And I KNOW it WOULD be easier to give up, but I would never be happy with that decision. So I keep plodding away, and will continue to do so.
you know me, i'll all for premature depression and misery! it's such a time saver!
We're with you ALL the way, no matter what, my friend.
:)
i screwed my ankle and it sucks! no more dancing! but i am hoping things will look up when i lose weight.....hopefully!
Whining and wining has got me through many a bad moment in the past...
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