The Short Version

I've had about 5 goes at writing this post but I keep getting all show-offy with aren't-I-clever writing and then run out of time and then it's 2 days later and everything's different. So here goes: speed-blogging!

I ummed and errr-ed about a personal trainer.
I went to the gym and to the pool a few times. Nothing bad happened. I have started to feel stronger and more energetic. I like this.
I still can't run. 10 steps on the treadmill and my achilles carries on like a ratty toddler . This is messing with my head. I dreamed I had to have surgery on it nooooooooooooooooooooooo!
but I digress
When J was away for work or working late I sweated it up on the exercise bike and did my core workouts at home (I'm up to Kona 2001 !).
I got a quote to have a cleaner for two hours a week, and decided I could go to the Cook Islands for a week for that kind of money so I'd do it myself*.
I was very ambivalent about this personal trainer thing.
I should be motivated enough to do it myself. What if they're sorry for me or think I'm a whinger? I sound like a whinger to myself! What if it IS too hard to get fit again? What if I can't do it? What if I FAIL?It's a lot of money (not as much as that cleaner though, sheesh!). Is it being a big la-la to want a middle aged lady trainer so there's no possibility of being judged or condescended to by the young hot bloke PT?
On Sunday I put on my togs and packed my pull buoy and towel and goggles and a big heavy pile of ambivalence into my gym bag and headed off. If this young hot bloke PT is on duty at the gym after I've done my laps, I said to myself, I'll talk to him. That way I've talked to all of them. I don't have to make up my mind today.
So I did my laps.
He was on duty.
I start on Sunday!
I'm all excited! I'm a bit nervous and extremely ambivalent (see above; also he's "very strong on nutrition" which could be (ahem) 'a challenge'), but I'm excited! I even have a goal!

More anon, sweaters!

*We ARE going to Cook Islands for a week, in March! Whee!

lemme 'splain

no - ees too much. Lemme sum up.

I am very much aware and grateful that overall I have an awesome life. I am lucky. I am capable and determined and well-resourced. My blog is where I put all the bleaty shit that I need to stop swirling around my head and dragging me down so I can force myself to put on my togs and go to the pool or get out the door for yet another aborted run or stand in front of those bastard mirrors at the gym or line up the 2000 Kona replay and hop on the stupid boring go-nowhere but it'll-have-to-do-when-J-is-working-late bike.
I'm REALLY SAD about how unfit I am and how heavy I am and how all of that plus the ankle reco and the niggly shoulder from the crutches and the painful achilles and the b**** who switched my body-shame up several notches adds up to making rebuilding my fitness a bloody big job, and not one that be approached with have-at-it balls-to-the-wall gung-ho derring-do. Guts and glory won't work here. I have be patient. Take my time. Slow slow slow. Sucking it up. Always sucking it up. Seeing myself in photos and not cringeing. Walking around Melbourne and not going into shoe shops or running shops and squashing the that-used-to-be-me sadness when I see all the runners - and Melbourne is a great place to run; there are runners everywhere. Trying to not feel like a complete failure for some stretches, a few pushups and some core work at 8.45 pm becuase that's all I can bring myself to do after all the day's stuff is done. Sucking up the sadness and shame and doing it. Smiling and staying in touch with my good generous happy-for-you self when everyone else is celebrating their running groups and their 10ks and their tris. Sucking it up when the task seems so very big and feeling good again seems so very far away.
I have thought of a personal trainer, but I need someone who understands very very slow rehab of an overweight (obese if you ask the always accurate and helpful BMI) middle aged endurance athlete. I don't know whether there's anyone around here like that. I need a miracle man* who won't rush me 'cause you know,  you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. I'll go to the gym and ask today though. You never know.
I know what to do.
I'm not going to give up.
I will feel strong and fit again one day. If it's medically possible I will run another marathon or several and swim long distances and do triathlons.
I am sucking it up even though the task seems so very big and feeling good again seems so very far away. Almost inconceivable

My name is LBTEPA   you killed my father. prepare to die and I am fat and middle-aged and injured and I am not ever giving up.
More anon, swordsmen!
*or woman

keeping on

even my stretches and core work and a few pushups are better than nothing

Rubik's rehab

is what you call it when everything is so weak and unbalanced that overdoing one thing a teeny bit creates problems elsewhere, to whit: I have a sore achilles tendon. Bugger. Dr G00gle has told me to rest and NSAID like it's my job so  running is off the schedule again. *pout* Still, there's always y0utube: an absolute angel of a person has uploaded every single Kona Ironman special since 1992! Awful hair, high-cut togs and riding through T1, and of course the Ironwar - me and my exercise bike are So There!
Noddie and I are back to the Big Smoke to see her dermatologist at the Children's Hospital on Friday, as the side effects of her psoriasis medication are unacceptable. We'd already planned to see Bang Crash Tap on Saturday so we are just staying up another night. The Zoo, St Kilda Beach, the theatre andpossiblysomeshoppingIadmitnothing Here We Come!!

Gastro

Another one for the ODTAA* files. Bleh
*One Damn Thing After Another 
More anon, acronymers!

4.35

why, you ask, is our heroine blogging at 4.35 a.m? It's becuase I can't sleep. And why is that, you ask? What a lot of sticky beaks you are! LBTEPA is currently not running amok in the land of nod (as opposed to running amok in the Land of Noddie as I usually do hahahah I am so funny) becuase the steroids she is taking for the newly-formed polyps in the Sinuses of Doom only work as painkillers for the first two or three days, after which their function appears to be to cure encephalitis lethargica, in the wee small hours at least, and make your face all red.  I am using a radical state-of-the-art treatment (involving more [disgusting details omitted] than my five faithful readers need to know about) to dissolve the polyps so I shouldn't have to have more surgery but it's early days yet blah blah bleat bleat.

The LBTEPA Department of pre-dawn musings is also running hot becuase I have decided to post more often and I have been getting caught in the it's a bit antisocial to spend so much time in the study when J likes to watch tv together in the evenings thought-that-doesn't-really-make-proper-sense (mind you last night we watched Arrow, a fascinating exploration of moral grey areas (ahem).

The way to be who you want to be is do what that sort of person would do, so I am Using My Time Wisely, blogging and drinking hot milk and honey rather than lying awake with a headache, hot in the face and furious about the election.
Last week I trundled off the the Big Smoke to meet with the sinus surgeon (boo!), and also the ankle surgeon, who never wants to see me again! Yay! Yes, five months post surgery,  All Is Well with the LBTEPA ankle. It'll be weak-ish and swollen for another few months and of course my rebuilding into the Amazon we all knew and loved must be patient and take into account the extra weight I'm carrying blah blah blah yay yay yay I'm all better!!!!!!! And how good is running??And riding your bike? And swimming?!!! I. Love. It. All! But I digress.
Whilst in Melbourne I was lucky enough to dine with the lovely Cilla, which was a hoot. We spoke of deep things and ate fashionable food at a groovy restaurant by the river. I used to go there Back In the Day (I did have a day, really), only it's moved (confusing!) and is kind of ironically we-dare-you-to-say-we're-not-the-same groovy now, which I found hilarious. That could also have been the wine. I admit nothing. I played hooky got the later train back on Friday arvo so I had time to buy some shorts that fit me right now (see: extra weight, also: live in country town = B1g W is exciting that's so sad) before sashaying artistically along to soak up the Australian Impressionists in France. Ankle all better, new shorts and all cultured up - what could be nicer?
It's about time for the stupid wattlebird that sits in the tree outside our window to start its first-light squawking (its other name is the STFU bird) so I think I'll go back to bed now. I have a quiet day at work and I plan to talk the boss into letting me have a swim (she's strict but I can usually get around her :P)
More anon, sleeping beauties

Enough about THAT

LBTEPA's five faithful readers will be pleased to learn that she has officially Let It Go. Mind you if I see that old besom when I'm out and there's a handy semi roaring by it could well be a different story. People shouldn't be gratuitously nasty, but I have gained 15 kg which does put me into the fat category, no denying it. These things happen. So if people see 'fat', that's accurate. If they see 'fabulous and beautifully dressed' or 'brave and determined' as well, then they're paying proper attention and good for them. And if they don't, f*** 'em.

Oh my friends, so many cool things have happened since last I posted! now that I am allowed up and down ladders again (yayyayyay!) the last outpost of soul-sucking donkey beige has finally been banished from my house.

Noddie went to Book Week as Cleopatra, becuase I reckon the window of opportunity to muck around with crushed velvet and rickrack is closing fast so I'm going to make the most of it

My physio has told me that it's over between us!! WOOT!!! Yes, I have been sent out alone into the cold cold snow (as it were), aka I'm better enough to be let loose without supervision. WOOTWOOTWOOT!!! Of course I must be patient and cautious blahblahblah but I can pretty much do what I want now, which means no more deep water running ever ever EVER.
I'm either swimming, riding or running five or six times a week - I feel almost like a real athlete again! Such A Great Feeling. My current favourite quote:

'training is like fighting a gorilla. You don't stop when YOU"RE tired. You stop when the GORILLA is tired'

Since I've been 'signed off' medically I've been able to walk Noddie to school again, which is not only a really nice mum-kid time but another 8-10km a week on the legs.  My fave 'new' motivational strategy is probably so blindingly obvious that you clever chaps out in the interwebs do it without even thinking about it, but I will share it anyway: put the gear on early! If I plan to go swimming after I walk Noddie to school, then I'll wear my togs and some fleecies for the walk. If I plan to run before lunch on Sunday, then as soon as I get home from church I'll strap myself into the sports bra. It's mildly embarrassing to change out of exercise clothes when you haven't actually exercised. Every bit of incentive helps, don't you think? Mind you a master procrastinator could find herself at 2.30 in the afternoon still in her togs and fleecies with barely enough time for a swim before the afternoon school run. I admit nothing.
What quotes inspire you? And what 'tricks' do you use to get out the door to exercise?
More anon, empresses!

....and a lovely day to you too, b****

I was out running this morning - more on the general state of awesomeness of things in another post; suffice it to say I've had a lot of extra washing of exercise clothes to do lately  - and had stopped to stretch my calf when an old lady in a motorised wheelchair thingy trundled up
Doing that'll cost you a lot of money she said
Pardon? quoth I (all I could think of, in my innocence, was this top comes from Kmart - but little did I know...)
Well you've obviously spent a lot of money putting on all that weight and now you're going to waste it
*brief pause whilst images of her being trampled beneath a ravening mongol horde flit through the dumbfounded LBTEPA noggin*
You're very rude. Go away.
Well good luck to you anyway dear
*sound of teeth grinding as only LBTEPA's superb upbringing prevents her from pushing the old harpy under a passing ute*

 I've spent the day catching sight of myself in windows and wondering is that what people see? I feel a bit unsettled. It'll wear off, I'm sure, but I was just so gobsmacked at her thoughtless nastiness.
Bitch.
I'm going to the pool tomorrow in my fierce new black togs. Anyone of normal eyesight and judgemental mind can SUFFER.
Roooaaarrrrr!!!!!

More anon, khans!

things that make you go hmmmm

....struggling with this a little bit at the moment...
but staying patient and working hard, for that is the LBTEPA way. Run 1 minute, walk 1 minute. 30 minutes, twice a week. Pool, bike, weights. Little and often is how I will get strong again.
I had this fab plan that from now on I am going to get up early and work out becuase trying to summon the oomph for a bit of righteous sweating at 8.30pm is more than I am up for at the 'mo. So last night I slept horribly badly, but I went out for a (ahem) 'run' this morning did you see that? "for a run" all casual-like as though that was some normal thing wow anyway because I decided that fresh-aired and exercised and tired and crabby was better than just tired and crabby. While I was out I met the old bloke I always used to high-five back in the good old days. We were very pleased to see each other.
After this morning I would also like to thank the town planning gods for making it almost compulsory to plant plum trees as street trees. Avant gardeners (hahaha I am so funny) like my Mum think they are ever so passe, but they call to me happily that winter is over. Spring is coming!

 More anon, blossoms!

One day

I kept it all on the straight and narrow for 11 days. Walking, swimming, running (squee! running!!), cycling after dark with my flashing light clipped to my shorts - flashing my bum just doesn't sound right, does it? - becuase the day's crazy left 8.30-9.00 as the only free time...it all happened for eleven days straight becuase I made it happen. And it was good. Then yesterday I took Team LBTEPA out for dinner to celebrate the new business - which I absolutely could not run without them - hitting an amazing financial milestone astonishingly quickly, and the exercise didn't happen.

Today, my five faithful readers, it will. I'll help Noddie with her piano practice and fold the washing and finish my case notes and THEN I WILL WALK.
Eleven schmeleven I say
rrrrROOOAAARRRR!!!!!

More anon, Pleistocenes!
*EDIT: I DID IT. Case notes went unfinished and the washing is still blocking the laundry door in a big tiresome pile, but I went out and walked. Let the next streak commence

well there's not much happening here Bruce (2013 edition)

Well there’s not much happening here, Bruce, the crowd is getting a bit restless….but hang on – what’s that?
Look Tim – a sight we didn’t think we’d see for quite some time – a heartwarming sight – a sight built on determination and courage....
Please stop talking such bullshit Bruce - now listeners, from the broadcast box here we can just see through the tunnel leading into the stadium – the crowd have just got the feed on the big screen and they’re rising to their feet screaming in delight as a small figure...
What? What? Who is it? What’s she doing?
...a small figure, dwarfed by this mighty stadium, the site of so many dreams and triumphs…..
if you don’t tell me right now Tim I will biff you one
...she’s lifting her knees
...her shoulders are back and her head is held high
...she’s breathing easily and grinning from ear to ear, oh this is an emotional moment Tim
here’s a hanky for you Bruce now get on with it

...it’s LBTEPA

....and she’s RUNNING!!!

oh this is a great day Bruce, such a happy day, a day we thought might never come.... give me that hanky


and the crowd goes wild!!!!!


More anon, invincibles!

falling through the week

Gosh that went by quickly. Since last we spoke I packed for Melbourne, lunched with a friend and roared off to the big smoke with the family, all whist feeling like death warmed up but only very slightly, found a kind and helpful walk-in doctor with a charming and helpful receptionist ah, I remember helpful doctors and charming receptionists, those were the days..., shopped for new boots in Acland Street becuase I ACCIDENTALLY no really left mine at home and I'm all about problem-solving, dozed the afternoon away while the Very Strong Antibiotics I was prescribed becuase I was Really Very Sick (see this raised middle digit, mean stupid doctor I saw on Thursday? It's for YOU) started to work their magic, dined at a restaurant with a magic tree in the middle of the dining table

see?

brunched with The Mighty Emma who was by some miracle in the same city at the same time, attended the thea-tah (totes hilair, darls), zoomed back home, saw my clients for the week and sketched out the barest semblance of looking after Noddie and the Spousal Unit whilst spending every possible moment as rugged-up and close to horizontal as could be managed. Ask me how I know that the Bad Mother Police don't come if you give your kid re-heated spinach rolls for tea two nights in a row.
I was going to cancel my physio appointment  becuase I've done bugger all - it is hard to do core work when your head nearly falls off when you move it, and cardio is tricky when you're coughing up stuff the consistency of blu-tac (too much information? Sorry) blah blah blah excuses excuses - but then I thought I could use the session to get back onto the right track - as a re-set button, if you will. Luckily my physio combines sternness, no-more-excuses-please and kindness in the nicest possible way so I didn't cry.
Now LBTEPA is vertical again, thanks to the miracles of modern doctors who actually give a shit enough to listen medicine, and The Plan is This: another streak! If I keep it up for four weeks, I reckon I'll be a Person Who Exercises again, as opposed to my current identity as a bleating, carb-powered couch cushion. I'll be riding that endorphin train, my friends, and my resting heart rate and lung capacity will be back on that road to righteousness. It'll be great. It's going to happen. You watch.
In the spirit of Yoda

exercise Every Single Day for the next month I will.
....mind you

.....I'm so confused....
but in the meantime, tally ho!!! Charge!!!!!!!!!!
What are your bold plans for the next season?

More anon, metaphor-manglers!

well

DR: if your job exposes you to the public you can get a cold every two weeks, and if your colds are susceptible to developing into painful viral sinusitis, that's just the luck of the draw. A referral to an immune specialist or your sinus surgeon won't change that. There's nothing we can do until there's green or yellow mucus. Except maybe panadol.
LBTEPA: Oh. Thanks (I'm polite).

I can imagine

So: yesterday, a very brisk walk (by my current standards) in a well-lit, even-surfaced area sans Noddie, hoons and the stupid dog. All good although sadly puffed by the end.
Today I Went To The Gym! My body image issues, shame and sadness and I may have had a little sniffle in the car before I went in but I was soon BOUNDING AWAY ON THE ELLIPTICAL WITH MY HEART RATE AT 145 OMG HOW GOOD DOES THAT FEEL? so I forgot about it all, to the point where, when the whippersnapper gym attendant asked me how I was coping(!)* I replied, fine thank you, and how about you?**
Then I played this song at full blast all the way home while I had a big happy sook. Note to self: either stop being so emotional or keep tissues in the car

After my last post, I was reminded of something very important by  the lovely K, one of my five faithful readers. I am getting stronger. I will run again. My athletic life is not over. My head sort of knew that, but I just haven't been able to imagine it.
Now I can.
And I have. It's 454 days until next year's Melbourne Marathon. I'm going to do it.
More anon, dreamers!
* I explained to Noddie that some people see a fat middle-aged woman dripping with sweat and assume that she is struggling, but this is basing a conclusion on insufficient data. She hates that bwahahahaha
** given that it was his first offence I have spared his life

a minor setback

I was all set to be all happy and excited about Day 1 of Marathon training, aka being allowed to go for a walk, until I tripped over our stupid dog because it was dark and Noddie and I and the stupid dog were walking beside an unmade road and some stupid hoon was bearing down on us and I'm not as nimble as Steven Bradbury.

Now the ankle is a bit bruised and swollen and it's a bit painful to drive. I didn't twist it though so I Am Not Worried Or Upset At All nononononooooo. I just have to be very patient and careful for a bit longer.
More anon, last men standing!

Want want want

Soon, my darlings, soon there will be a post that doesn't start with my foot hurts and my chest and sinuses are horribly infected and I feel like a limp dishrag but I'm being patient and I'm sure things will get better. I swear there will.
But all is not a vale of tears in the existence of LBTEPA. Ice and antibiotics are working their magic, and Day 1 of Marathon Training surely cannot be far off. And *squeals and girly handflaps* GUESS WHAT ??? I WENT FOR A RIDE ON MY BIKE ON SUNDAY!!!!! I was going to ride to the pool to do my superfun(not) workout but then Noddie wanted to come and then she wanted to keep on riding and then when we went home 20 minutes later (twenty whole minutes oh how the mighty have fallen eh?) the infected-chest headspins decided to kick in so I had a rest instead. But you have to start somewhere, no? And OHMYWORDHOWFUNISRIDINGYOURBIKE??????? It's pretty scary to feel so weak and have so very far to go to get back into any sort of shape, but I'm starting to feel as though I might be up for it.
You know what I want? There's a rail path that crosses the highway about 10km from our house. I want to be able to run there and back most weeks.I want to be able to swim 2km without feeling it the next day and be able to ride my bike for a couple of hours without thinking about it. I want to feel cheerful and strong and not get sick so often. And I want some of this.

Not the beer - I'm Dry this July, as you know (It's going very well, thanks for asking! Could you spare a fiver for a good cause?  Just click here) - the bling! How nice is that Gold Coast bling?
I said to the Spousal Unit the other day that I probably won't do the Gold Coast Marathon again becuase it's in July and I get sick a lot in the winter which messes with my training and my head - but then I saw this year's medal and the WANT really kicked in...oh my....soooo cool.....none of that outrageous same-sized medal with different paint and ribbon BS that Melbourne pulls.
But I digress.
I know what I want. There's a very long way to go - I haven't walked more than 2km for months, 400m is my limit in the pool and I mentioned my epic first bike outing...le sigh.... As my five faithful readers know, tThe LBTEPA method for getting what you want is keep working and keep smiling. It's worked for me a lot of the time, so I'm going to stick with it. All I have to do it get the foot and the sinuses and chest to co-operate and we're good as gold!
What do you want? And how do you plan to get it?
More anon, froth-heads!

ABCI

This weekend Noddie and the Spousal Unit and I had our long-awaited and super-fab trip to the big smoke during which we went to the zoo, Sandown racetrack for J to do his stunt driving course, and to the Museum to see the Afghanistan Treasures, which were absolutely stunning and very moving and should be seen by everyone. We ate yummy Chinese, Greek, Vietnamese and Italian food in buzzy, delicious-smelling restaurants, and went shopping in Smith St, and generally had a happy and satisfying time.

I'd love to be posting all about how I've been diligently adhering to the LETTER of my rehab and I do feel very very bad that I haven't, but I have been cruelly struck down with yet Another Chest Infection (So Over It- this post's title should be AFCI). Keeping the New Job and the family going whilst remaining upright and smiling (for, as you know, that is the LBTEPA Way) has taken almost everything I've had. I've not missed more than two days in a row blah blah blah excuses excuses so I'm hoping the physio gives the all-clear to cycling and maybe the elliptical, even some walking...how nice will it be to be Allowed Out....?

Hope you are all well - what have you been up to?
cheers (with ginger beer)

She's at it again

Yes, LBTEPA is drying out for a month (and a long month too, none of this namby-pamby February nonsense [which is Not Going To Happen because my birthday, wedding anniversary and summer are in February and quite frankly in summer charitable self-denial doesn't stand a snowball's chance in hell against the lightly-clad, slightly sweaty juggernaut that is warm-weather hedonism]) for charity, health and a challenge to the currently rather flabby LBTEPA self-discipline. As my five faithful readers know, I am fond of a sherby, so this will be A Good Thing in many ways. In the spirit of tightrope-walking across Niagara Falls in a blindfold because it's Just Not Hard Enough otherwise, I will also add a No Bleating clause to the deal - I whinge about choosing to refrain from communing with my good friends chardy and bubbles on any form of social media whatsoever, I match whatever's been donated. Whaddya reckon?
Click here to guilt me into keeping at it donate money for support services for adult cancer patients. I'm off to the pool now. It's a quiet time of day and the lifeguards could do with some amusement. I live to serve.

More anon, splashers!
(and don't forget to click!)

Head-spin

I went to the physio the other day, as you do, and I was telling her about the amusement I provide to the lifeguards with my endless wading and hopping and deep water running with a pool noodle that looks like a waggy yellow tail
and she said
they'll be laughing on the other side of their faces when you cross your next marathon finish line
.
.
.
and I said, do you really think I'll do another one?
and she said briskly (she's a brisk woman), there's no reason why not. It's healing beautifully and has a great range of motion. Once you can hop you can start cycling and running, and that shouldn't take more than another three weeks
.
.
.
It. Was. Good. News!
I was literally speechless. All I could do was shake my head and try not to get all teary (see 'brisk', above)
I can't remember the last time I've had good ankle news. I had quite a lot of bad news, as you know, and recently some pleasantly hopeful and even promising news. Good news! I'm not sure I know what to do now! Can I summon the energy or even remember how to be  happy and gung-ho and hopeful and disciplined? I shall give it a crack though. You watch.

More anon, space cowboys!

Scout's honour

I'm taking this as my motto today

Feeling a bit discouraged about my athletic life (at the moment consisting of deep water running with a bit of wading thrown in, plus getting sicker and sicker (stupid chest infection Will Not Go) and heavier and heavier, which is a drag hahahaha did you see what I did there?) but Not Giving In. For that is not the LBTEPA way.
What's your motto? Why?
More anon, smilers!