How to run a marathon

In a way, this is the best time before a marathon. The Marathon Death Star's tractor beam has you in its grip and you are drawn inexorably toward Race Day. Apart from drinking water until you slosh, mainlining echinacea and vitamin C because of all the inconsiderate people who insist on coming to work and coughing Bastards!, and eschewing heels the ultimate sacrifice! - nothing can be done that hasn't already been done. It's quite peaceful really, although I feel a bit sick when I think about actually covering 42.2km, which is a frightfully long way when you think about it, which is why I generally don't, under the cutoff time, which is a terrible worry and another thing not to think about.
Lists are a help, of course, aiding as they do in LBTEPA's raison d'etre, Making A Plan. So for the edification of any aspiring Very Slow Marathoners who might have stumbled across this blog (and the amusement of any lost skinnyfasts), let us open the vaults and reveal a couple of LBTEPA's Helpful Lists.
4 days out - what you really should have done already.
- quite a bit of running. If you haven't got around to this I'd really think hard about giving the whole thing a miss for the time being. My training is at the lower end of the distance spectrum and includes a lot of cross-training because Goofy is my goal and injury management is more important to me than time at this point, but it has been systematic ALL HAIL THE SCHEDULE and as consistent as I could manage. A Very Slow Marathon entails a long time alone with your poor sore body and your poor tired head, so you need to get used to that. If any of your long runs have been train crash/ sufferfests, then you will start the race knowing you can slog it out if you have to. There are different ways of Respecting the Distance, but they all include Do The Long Runs.
An aside - in another some people will really never get it moment at work the other day, we were talking about the ash cloud from the Chilean volcano and how I was worried we mightn't get to Queensland if it comes back and the flights are grounded again (so far so good, fingers crossed please chaps) when someone asked wouldn't you be a bit relieved to have an excuse not to run? I think I mumbled something about how I'd paid my entry and was looking forward to getting some more bling, but after some reflection and inept mental arithmetic, I realised that what I meant to say was I've run almost 700km in training for this and the only this that would stop me getting to the bloody start line is an Act Of God. AND I want some more bling.
- practiced your hydration and nutrition plan ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY HYDRATION AND NUTRITION PLAN! Without food and drink of appropriate quantity and digestibility, the VSM experience can get very ugly very quickly. The LBTEPA VSM Fueling Research Program prescribes water (carried in a waist belt) every ten minutes or so, and a gel every hour. I use Endura gels because a) I've never had either the sugar shakes or GI problems with them and b) they're Australian made and owned so they are not only cheaper but virtuous, and I'm all about cheap virtue hang on I think that came out wrong.
- thought about pacing. I write PATIENCE on my hand lest I shoot off like a bottle rocket and fizzle out as quickly. The Plan for VSM#4 at this stage is run 3 songs: walk 1 until 32km and then decide whether to swap to run 2km: walk 2 minutes. In the interest of Slowness Freakout Avoidance I am contemplating running sans watch as I only use it to know ehn to have my gels and every 7km would work about the same. Your thoughts?
- come up with Plans B, C and D. Plans B and C are for when the Race Gods have got up on the wrong side of the bed, they're not feeling the love and neither are you - in short, it's Just Not Your Day. I'll be carrying ibuprofen and asthma spray. D is for DNF. It's helpful to have decision criteria for walking off the course: mine are inability to breathe, or a joint injury FINGERS CROSSED AGAIN CHAPS!
- decided what you are going to wear and tried it while running at least once. If it doesn't fit, chafes, or rides up - in short, fails to enhance your fabulousness - you don't want to find out on race day. There will be photos, you know!
- tamed or at least securely corralled your demons. The long runs will have helped with this, as you have proven to yourself that you can keep moving through a cloud of I'm so slow, what a loser, I'm so fat, I'm a joke, everyone is laughing at me, why do I bother with this I'm not going to make the cutoff. If you haven't already, now is the time to give those buggers the finger and tell them see you on Sunday afternoon, fellas, at which time you will have a nice big shiny new piece of bling with which to dazzle them and entice them back to their dark lairs, for a while anyway.
- practiced smiling for the finish. Finishing a marathon is one of life's wonderful experiences but your face will be very tired let's face it your entire body will be very tired and you don't want to be all hunched over and scowly as you thunder down the chute to the deafening applause of the admiring crowd. Another bonus of practising that ol' finish line grin is the amusement it provides your neighbours to see you smiling and waving at nothing and no-one at 10am on a Saturday. LBTEPA Inc. is nothing if not community-minded.

What to do in the last 4 days
- drink drink drink then drink some more
- if anyone asks you how your preparation is going, tell them. It is fascinating and they are actually very interested. Even when they back away or feign death.
- finalise marathon playlist and make sure 1p0d is charged
- write encouraging messages on gels. Any thoughts for me?
- pack and travel
- do race nails
- pick up race pack; attempt to refrain from purchasing unnecessary fripperies at the expo
- meet up with imaginary internet friends to eat pasta and desperately pretend that, as a Multiple Marathoner coo er gosh eh you are not so scared you can hardly speak
- pin number on at least four times, aiming for maximum aesthetic pleasingness
- think ohshitoshitohshitwe'reallgoingtodie approx. 100000000000 times
- remember to breathe


More anon, champers at the bit!

I don't know

All is confusion here at Chateau LBTEPA. Let me share with you my current conundrums, or, to put it another way, Things I Don't Know
- whether my sinuses you just knew those little buggers would be involved somehow are waking me up at night and distracting me during the day because a) there's a lot of smoke around at the moment or b)they're gearing up for a major hurt-fest a week out from VSM#4 when I have training for work all week and won't be able to get to the doctor.
- why the dogs stole my makeup bag out of my handbag and took it out into the back yard to play with. I do know that they were very lucky that they didn't chew it up or damage any of the contents. Bad dogs!
- why I have a tummy ache. Poor sleep? Nerves? Too much fibre? Some horrific and inevitably fatal ailment I've stupidly ignored?
- whether to wear my new shoes during VSM#4 or cross my fingers that the old ones have 42.2km of cushioning left in them. The new ones are exactly the same model as the other ones but they feel slightly (and infuriatingly) too big. Could it be the colour? Are yellow things bigger than red things? I don't know! I'll give them one more run with an extra insole and then decide.
- whether the ash cloud from the Chilean volcano will even let us get to Queensland next week. In some ways it's be a relief but let's not hop on that train.
- why I am beating myself up so badly lately. Yes, I'm disappointed that the 2.5kg I painstakingly whittled away over 5 weeks has been regained in 2, but this Does Not Mean that I am a slack lazy spineless disgusting cow who has Ruined Everything with her gluttony. It means that I will have to a) carry more lard than I wanted to around the course next week when I'm worried about making the cutoff, le sigh, and b) concentrate harder on what I eat and drink if I am to carry less lard around the next 42.2. It also means that I must dig out that useful tome "I am not my thoughts: Wrangling the negative self-talk monster" and start practicing again.
But LBTEPA, cry my five faithful readers, can all be shrouded in doom and gloom? What do you know?
I know the LBTEPA Way, my friends. That's what I know. So The Plan Is This:I don't care whose mojo, I'll get some from somewhere....
More anon, my treasures!
(photo is from Randy Marthins' FB album Postcards from the curb)

Yesterday

I was going to have a blah blah blah wallow in self-loathing about how I'm forty-four for F#$%'s sake, I'm too old to be diving into a plate of salt and pepper squid and too many bubbles no matter how upsetting a day was, no wonder I haven't lost much weight blah blah blah, subtext "encourage me! Cheer me up! Tell me it's all ok and keep trying! "
But that's bullshit. It was a horrid day. J was extremely worried and upset by something that happened at his work. We defaulted to our dysfunctional stress response. I didn't live up to my own standards and I feel miserable now.
But know this, my friends: the best thing about yesterday is that it's gone. The best thing about today is that we get another go at doing things better.

More anon, horizon-gazers!
Photo is from Randy Marthins' FB album Postcards from the curb

12 days

~In which LBTEPA learns that some people will never get it~
The other day at church, someone I know asked me how the marathon training was going. I mentioned the Great Niggly Hip Freakout and she replied, oh, any excuse to get out of running.

*insert gobsmacked silence*

In other, less bewildering news, there are less than two weeks to go until Very Slow Marathon #4. Flights, hotel and car are booked and paid for. The pre- and post-race dos are organised. The new shoes are being run in. That familiar, distracting, slightly sick feeling at the thought of spending the better part of a working day sweating for a(n admittedly awesome) bit of bling is back; LBTEPA's nearest and dearest are being kind, which is good.
The obligatory taper headcold is also having a red-hot go at settling in but I am fighting back with sleep, veggies, vitamin C, panadol, and the Best Sinuses Money Can Buy. If all else fails, my doctor now has a letter from my surgeon along the lines of give her the damn antibiotics you idiot.
Panic-merchant LBTEPA is of course Freaking Out (it is taper time, after all) about not getting all the runs done but Zen LBTEPA is consoling her with the thoughts that a) all the Long Runs got done Woot! Woot! Yay!!! and b) this winter has not been marred by never-ending Bastard Sinus and Chest Infections - training has, in fact, been quite consistent overall.
My weight is giving me the irrits. Despite actually concentrating on what I'm eating and drinking far more than interests me, it's more erratic than would even be explained by Female Stuff. Given that I am getting on a bit I think I might go and have all those annoying Female Stuff-type checks when we get home, as well as the Bastard Thyroid too It'll turn on you as soon as look at you, that one.
I've been giving a lot of thought to The Playlist (see "distracted", above). I make a new one for each marathon - doesn't that sound grand? I still find it hard to get my head around the fact that I've done three already! - for exactly the cutoff time. Six and a half hours of No Worries Darl, Just Keep Going and You'll Get There. The following faves list provides (a possibly disturbing) insight into LBTEPA's Happy Little World of Running.*
Deborah Conway - It's only the beginning
Marcia Hines - I've got the music in me
Paris Wells - Let's get it started
Grease soundtrack - Greased lightning (describes me so accurately ROFL)
Theory of a deadman - I hate my life
Joey Scarborough - Believe it or not
Big Bad Voodoo Daddys - I wanna be like you
Janis Joplin - Take another piece of my heart
Skyhooks - Livin' in the 70's
Barney Stinson - The awesome song
Harry Secombe - Battle hymn of the republic
Flogging Molly - Worst day since yesterday
De-lovely soundtrack - Blow Gabriel blow, and of course
Anastasia - Paid my dues
That's probably enough for now, even for my five faithful readers, bless your tolerant hearts. What are your 100% reliable, solid gold firing-up tunes?
More anon, boogie-meisters!
*They're all on Yotu&e but I'm too lazy to link them, sorry.

Madness

I told you the taper madness had set in early. I pulled up a bit sore from my EPIC long run on Monday (they're all epic, just ask me) and just trundled around my mid-week run yesterday morning.
Just to digress, as you do - how cool is it when you actually manage to string together a few weeks of consistent training and not get sick or busy or injured *makes warding-off-evil-eye gesture*, and you get fitter? I love how that works!
So anyway, there I was, a bit sore in the glutes and quads and taking stairs a teeny bit carefully. Nothing dramatic. But by late afternoon my left hip - not the hip that got all crabby after I had Noddie and has required extensive mollycoddling ever since, not the one I expect to crack it with me, nooo, not that one - was whingeing big time. Ow ow ow. As is the LBTEPA way, I did The Sensible Thing. I stretched that hip, stretched it like Gumby I did, and iced it and gave it ibuprofen.
As also is the LBTEPA way, I FREAKED OUT. Someone I actually know (Hi Katy!) "toughed out" hip pain and ran the Hawaii marathon with a FEMORAL NECK FRACTURE that's REALLY BAD, btw. She hasn't run since! Clearly, I was also suffering from a femoral neck fracture!! And unless I let go of my long-held dream of conquering the Gold Coast (the LBTEPA way includes overdramatising as a free service) this was clearly also my future!!! Not to mention wasting thousands of dollars in airfares and becoming morbidly obese within days!!!!Aaarrgghhh!!!!!
The management of the LBTEPA Hostel for the Temporarily Insane would like to thank the kind physio at the clinic where our heroine works for pointing out that a tight iliotibial band was a far better fit for the symptoms described, for suggesting a number of excruciating yet helpful exercises in order to loosen said area, and for not laughing too much.
Taper madness is a cruel affliction and one we should be aware of for our own and others' sakes. Other symptoms include
- obsessively reading and re-reading marathon books and blogs
- obsessive daily weighing and plunging into gloom at how much lard I will be carting around
- overt hostility toward any individual who might be harbouring germs
- actually paying money to do this. OhdearohdearohdearwhatwasIthinking?
- really thinking hard about buying one of these (the hoodie, not the bloke although he is a bit of all right)
There is very little that can be done for the sufferer other than making soothing sounds when s/he appears agitated, allowing her/him to watch Marathon Challenge and Run Fatboy Run over and over again, and taking his/her credit card away.
More anon, wanderers in the poppy fields!

D.O.N.E.

Last long run = 32.5km along the rail trail in the drizzle.
15 minutes faster than last week = maybe I'll make the cutoff after all
Thanks to Mum for company for the last 6km.
Thanks to J for getting the ice,

(I think. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)

for the note on the fridgeand for the pie afterward. Mmmmmmmm!
I can feel some knitting by the fire coming on......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

stupid o'clock

It's stupid o'clock on a public holiday. J is snoring softly, as I expect is Noddie after our Big Trip to Melbourne for my nephew's engagement party on Saturday night. It's about 3 degrees outside, and foggy. I have a camelbak, my 1p0d and some gloves and I AM GOING TO DO THIS LAST LONG RUN.
More anon, putters-on of brave faces!

Fascinating running minutiae

I like running. WARNING! WARNING! CAPTAIN OBVIOUS HAS BEEN SIGHTED IN THE VICINITY!
I find it very interesting and I think about it a lot. At this stage in a marathon "campaign", if you will pardon the conceit, I think about it to the exclusion of almost all else. Four weeks to go means it is almost the end of the "build" - there is only one long run left. I can see the taper, ah, the blessed blessed taper, from here. Mind you when I get into the taper I usually hate it because I get very worried and irritable and very hungry. I've worked quite hard this winter to shed a bit of lard so I can start this marathon at close to the same weight I was last year.
A digression: this whole weight loss thingy is is a constant philosophical conundrum for me. I believe that weight does not equal attractiveness, character or worth. I am a constant (and strident, ask anyone) advocate for health measures based on actual health (eg blood sugar, blood pressure, cholesterol, resting heart rate) rather than a lazy-arsed bullshit extrapolation - I'm talking to YOU, BMI - based on specious correlations and society's desire for an outgroup that it is politically correct to vilify. GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (see "strident", above).
But then again, go and pick up something that weighs 4.5kg, the amount of weight I gained after my sinus operation last summer. Then think about carrying it 42.2km when if you cut out a few unnecessary and relatively unnoticeable kilojoules - I'm talking to YOU, extra helpings and too much wine - you wouldn't have to. I worry about being hypocritical, but my feet are thanking me after my long runs.
Segueing neatly back to running did you see that?, I've been reading the Best Book EverI'm aware that it's been criticised as only suitable for dilettante non-respecters of the distance and that no Proper Runner would dream of toeing the line with fewer than eight days or 1000km/week under his or her belt. The program is specifically for first-timers and there's heaps of info about stretching (I did read about that somewhere before I think, I forget), nutrition, injury prevention etc etc. They're mad for mantras and I have been trying some out. These days keen observers on the rail trail might hear amongst the rushing river and birdsong a puffed and panted I run tall (reminding me to lengthen my spine and not slump forward), I run loose (reminding me to drop my shoulders and use my core), I run strong, I run straight. The last one is because if I don't pay attention my feet swing in arcs like an ice skater instead of a nice efficient straight line. I had a lightbulb moment about this the other week. When one is blessed with substantial knee and thigh acreage such as that which I possess, and you want your feet to go in a straight line, your knees must touch while you run! *slaps forehead* Well dip me in axle grease and call me slick, eh?
The main theme of the book is that the only way to fail-proof your first marathon - and who wants to fail after you've covered 42.2km? - is to not have a time goal. I like this. The assumption, though, is that if you've hung one piece of marathon bling around your neck and get all fired up for more, you'll want to go faster.
I've been thinking about this, and have come to the conclusion that I don't want to do it that way. It suits me much better to approach every marathon as though it's my first. In a way, each one is, because I've had massively different stuff going on for each one. Time goals (apart from make the cutoff) don't fit in with my other marathon goal, don't spend four months (plus race day) freaking out. Taper insanity is excluded from this of course. I went there a bit early this time - yesterday I completely changed my nutrition and hydration strategy (it worked beautifully btw). I know! Madness! And I'll be breaking in some new shoes this week too!
More anon, daredevils!

Here's to the future

For once, the fascinating daily minutiae at Casa del LBTEPA is not about DRAMAS or PRESSURE or just-managing-to-pull-off-the-almost-impossible-at-the-last-minute. I've got some work to do on my last stats assignment, I'm a bit behind with my case notes and there are two long runs to be got through before VSM#4 ohsitohshitohshitwe'reallgoingtodie. But at this stage it appears that if I keep plugging along and avoid anyone who might harbour a lurgi there will be time for it all. It's a nice change from frantically squeezing it all in around my primary duties of spousing, mumming*, working etc etc.
In other news:
The Spousal Unit did one of those workplace health checks, and his results were Not All They Should Be. His waist-to-hip ratio, blood sugar, cholesterol and blood pressure only just squeaked in under the Get Thee to a Quack Forthwith range. I am quite pleased by this, in a way. Unlike my good self, most of my family and the majority of my friends, the Spousal Unit does not actively manage his health, diet, exercise etc. He has always had active jobs and relied on that to keep him in good nick. He doesn't like being careful about food - does anyone? I don't, but it's one of the things I'm prepared to suck up on my way to being a mad old lady who does crazy energetic things. This is a major long-term goal of the LBTEPA Corporation, and what's more I don't intend to do it alone.
But I digress. I was quite pleased by J's Slightly Alarming health results because finally, finally, instead of chirruping you need to look after your health over and over like a demented parrot, I can say you need to look after your health BECAUSE....and wave the results sheet in his face . Oh frabjous day!!
Working out the right exercise for the Spousal Unit was a bit of a puzzle. J walks all day at work, on concrete, so he wants to sit down afterwards, which is fair enough. He is a homebody who works stupid hours so he doesn't really want to go to the pool or the gym either. He loves watching tv as well. Clearly an exercise bike was the answer! Sitting down + tv + regular cardio = happy J and happy LBTEPA.
JFDI is the LBTEPA Way, as my five faithful readers know, so we went out last Friday and bought him a bike. It was really funny. We tried all the equipment in the shop and took so long about it that when J remarked that we didn't need to actually buy anything, we could just pop in there every lunchtime for a workout, I think the young sales person thought he meant it! We spent a bit on the thing but I justified it as about the cost of a couple of specialist visits in a few years if he doesn't do anything now. It has beepy buttons and readouts and a heart-rate thingy and a comfy seat and weighs a ton (but is on wheels) and I had to completely reorganise my study to fit it in but I was going to do that anyway so it's all good.
J loves it. He does his workouts every day and writes them all down and seems to be sleeping better and feeling more cheerful. I may be imagining these things as it's only been a week. I'm very happy anyway.More anon, long-range forecasters!
*I actually meant parenting, although I'm not averse to a bit of medieval seasonal play-acting should the opportunity arise

A satisfying conversation

~In which LBTEPA's best self does not appear~
Last Saturday I was on my way back along the trail working my way through 30km when a couple of perky types breezed past me. I knew one of them vaguely from the tri club and the post office (I live in a small town) but not the other one. They were moving well faster than me of course, everyone does but I was feeling ok so there was a bit of "Hi!" "Hi!" and I thought nothing of it.
About an hour later, near the end of the trail, the two women breezed past again. "Hi!" said I again. I'm known for my originality. Keep going! said the one I didn't know.
There was a pause as I took this in.
Keep going???Keep going??? I left home at 5.30am! GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! thought I, but said nothing, only waved (breezily). It seemed the thing to do.
Not long afterward I reached the end of the trail where the two breezy types had stopped (ha!) and were stretching. It happened that it was time for one of my walk breaks so I stopped as well, and said
Nice day for it
Yes, it's good to be finished isn't it?
I'm still 5km from home, but I'm looking forward to getting there (see? Still breezy. Not aggressive At All)
Oh! How far have you done?
Umm, I'm running at the Gold Coast in five weeks so I'm doing some long ones now (see? Not showing off At All)
Are you going up for the marathon?
Yes
Are you doing your first full marathon up there?
Umm, no, this'll be my fourth now
(thinks: bwahahahaha, I'll give YOU keep going!).
(notes faintly startled looks, feels extremely smug)
How about you guys?
We're training for a half marathon next weekend!
Oh, are you doing Traralgon? Wow! That'll be great! Have fun!
(thinks: aww, your first half, how sweet).
Better get this finished now, bye!
Bye!

Please note: LBTEPA's Evil Twin has been coaxed back into her cage with tea and toasted sandwiches. Indiscriminate mental rantings at perfectly nice encouraging strangers have now ceased and normal blog service will resume shortly.

More anon, comrades!

Not being one to complain (stop laughing!) I am just going to say how happy I am to have sent off the second draft of my literature review to my supervisor after an 11-hour revise-a-thon yesterday b/c she only sent it back last Thursday - she's expecting, poor lambie and has been a bit off-colour - and the Spousal Unit was working on the weekend and I had to go to Melbourne on Sunday to see my Dad, who is recovering wonderfully thank you God, and the sinus surgeon (all good-ish, just some pesky stuff but we are on to it) and didn't get back until Monday night and had to work on Tuesday morning. Tomorrow when I get it back I'll deal with whatever needs to be fixed up and hand it in. Then all I have to do is my stats exam.
Oh, and train for this pesky marathon thingy I have signed up for and bought plane tickets and booked a hotel......
Look, it is what it is. I've been a bit sad that my (ahem) "readership" has dropped off (grandiosity anyone?) but at least now that not many skinnyfasts read my burblings (hi Wes! Hi Mark! Hi Paul!) I'm not going to get lectured that I'm not respecting the distance because I have fish and chips for tea every Friday and my life ate some of my long runs. And some of my mid-week runs. And a little bit of my cross-training. 42.2km is going to happen on the third of June. It's going to be slow. It's going to be quite painful at some points. But that's ok. You do your impressive, well-organised, amazing 42.2km and I'll clap as you go past. I love seeing really good runners. They are so strong and well-trained and beautiful. But I'm not them, and I am going to do my underdone, slow, cheerful marathon my way.
Mind you this calm could wear off at any time and the AAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHH OMG oshitohshitohshitwe'reallgoingtodie monster could jump out of my head at any time. You have been warned.
More anon, day-trippers!

Well they SAID

There was all this stuff all over the interwebs (so it must be true) about how the end of the world was on this weekend so I thought what the heck, I may as well lash out seeing as it's all puffs of smoke/long white smocks and wings/oblivion from now on - and then some charming WatchTower sellers came around and said it wasn't this weekend after all! But I've already taken the tags off and moved the buttons so I'm keeping it. More anon

Dear Diary

Dear Diary
Last Tuesday I ran out of my thyroid medication. I was a bit disorganised that day no! you cry so I didn't get around to looking in the basket on top of the fridge for the script until Wednesday and realised I didn't have a refill left. Bugger I said, for the rest of the week wasn't looking filled with clear space to go the the drs and get a new one. Then stuff happened, as it does, and I forgot about it again. On Thursday I drove my parents three and a half hours to Melbourne so my Dad could have a heart procedure, just a keyhole thingy, no dramas. Or so we thought cue sinister music dun dun duhnnnn.....
There were three huge blockages and the valve is more buggered than they expected so poor Dad will be having A Triple Bypass and Valve Replacement! Cue wide open eyes and horrified gasp! Well of course we knew that was going to happen said my saintly yet sometimes quite annoying parents, he was far too crook for it to be fixed with stents, we were expecting this and it'll all be fine. They're old no offence Mum, they know heaps of people who've had OPENHEARTSURGERYAARRGGHHH and are now prancing about like young gazelles. That's all very well, say I, but this is My Dad!!!
I love my friends. One post on EffBee and I was inundated with stories about how their Dads/Uncles/Inlaws/friends at work have had OPENHEARTSURGERYAARRGGHHH and are now prancing about like young gazelles. A running friend of mine is actually a cardiac ICU nurse hi DG!!! and she said most of her patients who have had OPENHEARTSURGERYAARRGGHHH are now prancing about like young gazelles and Dad will feel much better really soon. Which is good.
It was pouring on Friday and Dad looked pretty crook all the way home so it was a bit of a strain, especially for Mum b/c I like to sing when I'm driving. Dad's a bit deaf so he was spared. I remembered to ring the Spousal Unit and get him to pop in to the Dr and order a refill for my thyroid medicine because they won't do it over the phone. I had planned to do my long run on Saturday morning, but instead we got stuck into the housework so the house was pleasant and welcoming again. Noddie and I had a massive row about how like an irretrievably spoiled brat she was choosing to behave, and I did a bike workout while J took Noddie to tap dancing. He did the shopping while he was out and came home with some mouth-watering prawns that he made into a delicious curry for tea. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm!
4.45 am came around really quickly on Sunday. I set out in my cool hat with the light in the brim, my camelbak, 1p0d, gels, gloves, the lot. I could tell pretty early it wasn't going to be one of those 'effortless' ones where you just float along (do you ever have them? You do? Bully for you *sulks*) but I'm pretty good at getting the not-super-fun ones done by now. I just felt strange. The curry made plain its displeasure at being awoken and shaken about at such an hour, but there are plenty of trees along the trail and it wasn't really too bad. It was more that I kept going hot and cold for no reason. After a while I felt almost separate from myself. It wasn't like normal tired and leg-weary at all. I was eating and drinking to The Schedule. I was going even more slowly than usual yet still moving! How does she do it? At 18km, all I could think was that I had to sit down. I. Had. To. Sit. Down. So I did.
Yes.
I. Sat. Down.
There are nine Benches O'Temptation on my 30km route. I do an out-and-back so that's 18 little moments of enticement to be given the finger before trudging gamely on. Never, ever before, not once have I stopped and rested on one. I didn't this time either - there wasn't one in sight so I sat on the ground. Just sat there. It was like a strange dream, where I was moving like cold honey and had no choice about it. When I got up again I had no run left. It crossed my mind that a Real Runner would be all Brave and Keen and walk home to Get the KMs On The Legs. After about a nanosecond I gave that idea the flick and rang my mum because the fam was at church. It seemed to take a long time to walk back to the highway. Mum's Jaguar is really comfortable.
Notes to self:
a) don't expect your thyroid medication to kick in overnight
b) DON'T RUN OUT OF THYROID MEDICATION SCRIPTS YOU IDIOT
c) The Spousal Unit's prawn curry is yummy but contra-indicated prior to long runs.
More anon, livers-and-learners!

Oh, come on

Surely I wasn't the only one who looked at this on the bookstall at the market and saw "The Race Leader"?
More anon, slightly-obsessives!

Exceptional restraint

The mind of the female, married, employed, studying, be-offspringed endurance sport afficionado is a complicated place. Take the weekly long run, for example no really, take it, I don't want it hahaha oh no I can't believe I did that sorry. Say, just for example, your would-be Very Slow Marathon runner plans, say, 28km as her long run for the week. This will require well over four hours away from the house. Her kid is seven so can't be left alone for too long and must be in bed by eight pm lest all hell breaks loose on the morrow. It is not the right-thinking VSMr Way to treat her parents or inlaws as free last-minute babysitters who exist to take up the slack on her lack of forethought. The VSMr's husband might be starting/finishing work any time between 6am and 9pm, on any five of seven days. Her only guide to this is a crumpled and scribbled-on roster on the fridge, which is about as accurate as my footy tipping. She also must fit in two mid-week runs, at least two cross-training days and a rest day here and/or there. The latest mid-week run must be two days before the long run. The long run Must Be Done becuase it's 8 weeks until VSM#4 and I was sick last week. It's mother's day on Sunday, which means a 10k, but that can be a trudge-fest if necessary. I'm on a seven year streak of mother's day bling. I'll crawl if I have to. Uni is Just Too Horrible to Mention but is another time-piranha.
To be precise Noddie's new favourite phrase, awww my time management is a sudoku in sanskrit.
So when I spoke to the Spousal Unit yesterday (Thursday) and at the end of the conversation he casually mentioned that he had changed his Saturday shift from a 10am (doable if I leave at Stupid O'Clock) start to a 7am (You're F#$%ing Joking) start, I restrained myself to remarking (in stern tones) that this was EXCEPTIONALLY INCONVENIENT, rather than swearing aloud, bursting into tears or leaving the office and driving home specifically to dong him on the noggin with a wok. I thought that was rather well done.


More anon, Carthaginians! We shall find a way, or make one!

Evolution

This time last year I would have kept going on that run on Saturday morning, and suffered and suffered and suffered and got a lot sicker for my stupidity. The year before I would have spent a lot of energy blaming myself (not being in perfect health all the time is solely and completely one's own fault, no?) and on oh why? oh why? oh woe! oh woe!
This year I'm just irritated and a bit gloomy about being sick for so long, and doing what I can when I can. So go me! Yay! (I think).
In other news:
Project You Don't Want to Have to Admit You Stuffed Up, Do You*? has been going well, with only one confessional sms required in the first seven days. The ante is slightly up this week (hint: chocolate and wine, crikey) but I'm up for it. LBTEPA's crack team of Multivariate Statisticians continue to toil gamely away at the Impossible Assignment, aka OMG I'm Going to Fail*, albeit with frequent breaks for refreshing wallows in the self-pity pool and looking at shoes on the interweb. But Progress Has Been Made*, and that's the main thing. I keep reminding myself that once this b@stard is handed in there's no more course work, and (ahem) "only" two placements and my thesis to do before I am a Proper Psychologist who will finally get paid Proper Money.*
So. Onward! 2-way ANOVA here we come.
More anon, sparklers!

*The Ethics Committee of LBTEPA Institute would like to assure readers that No Capital Letters Were Harmed in the Production of This Post

Because this year I am an athlete, not a hero

You'll be so proud:
Friday
Most of the day - sore face, a bit wheezy, slightly raspy throat. It's a smoky day, it's nothing
8pm - get everything ready for the morning's long run
10pm - tell Spousal Unit I don't feel well. I'm sure I feel better in the morning
10.15 pm - bed
Saturday
1am, 2am, 3am, 4.15 am - wake up and check the clock. I still feel a bit crook, oh well when I get up I'll feel better
5.15 am - get up, get dressed drink tea, eat bread and vegemite etc etc. Think about ventolin and panadol for my poor sore head and tight chest
5.55 am - hit the road
6.05 am - think about ventolin and panadol
6.10 am - go home, go back to bed. There will be other runs.

*accepts rapturous applause*

More anon, big-picture thinkers!

True confessions

Eight-and-a-tiny-bit months from now I am going to
- fly for 15 hours with an 8 year old
- spend 3 days in Honolulu
- fly for fourteen more hours(two flights)to Florida
- get my race packet at a massive expo I've seen photos, it's scary
- walk around a theme park all afternoon
- do a half marathon
- walk around a theme park all afternoon
- do a marathon
- walk around a theme park all the next day
- spend three more weeks touristing and having a splendid time
The eating and drinking habits currently being practiced at Camp LBTEPA do not support these plans. Your heroine would like to point out that she does not consider her weight per se to be the issue. Instead, LBTEPA wishes she could in all honesty describe herself as a poster girl for strong and fit and fabulous, but alas, cannot. She would have to put her hand up in answer to "who feels bloated and tired and heavy?" Although it may sound cool to live by the motto if you can't be a good example be a dire warning, quite frankly this sh*! is getting old woot woot woot Lent is over!!!!!
It's time to smarten up.
Yeah yeah yeah, you say, politely concealing either a yawn or a contemptuous smile, we've heard this before, Mrs All Talk No Action. What's so different about this time?
To be quite truthful: I don't really know.
I'm still going to have the same life, family, job, studies and marathons to manage. I'll still be me, mood swings and what's the point I give up pour me some bubbles and all. But what other options are there? Give up? Not an option! Seeking a healthy, sustainable way to live is the LBTEPA Way, and that's all there is to it. Long Happy Life R Us.
Noddie and I were watching a dvd of the 2007 Ironman World Championships onya Macca! while I did my bike workout I know, that poor child. She said she wants us to do an IM together when she's old enough. I'll be 55 when she's 18. So there's that. Then there's OMG not very long at all oh dear oh dear until Gold Coast, Melbourne, Goofy...... I hope there'll always be another Big Thing on the horizon, and there's no reason why not....if I take care of myself.
Just between you, me and the other four faithful readers, there is one big difference this time. My secret weapon = accountability. Don't worry, I won't be spilling my guts on the interweb and begging your forgiveness! (Ewww. And Not Your Job). A kind friend of mine from the non-virtual world has agreed, God bless her, that if I stuff up on my (not very difficult) weekly goals, I must text her and confess. No BS. No excuses.
Eeek!
I can feel a new phase coming on............

more anon, rainbow seekers!

Things pass

The longer I do Very Slow Marathons and other Glacially Slow Endurance Sports, the more I learn that the the title of this post is true. There's a thread on a running forum that I grace with my presence from time to time, along the lines of "how do you maintain a positive mindset during your long runs?" Keen Helpful Types have provided advice such as run with friends ,vary your route, never run with music becuase it stops you Communing With Nature, run with music, ogle local hotties, remind yourself that every step is making you fitter and stronger and getting you closer to your goals etc etc etc. God Bless their enthusiasm and their little wicking socks.
My answer? I DON'T.
Expecting your old mate LBTEPA to be in a positive frame of mind for the entirety of her long runs is about as realistic as imagining her willingly buying a white car with automatic transmission or leaving the house without lipstick. Not. Gunna. Happen. Recipe for disappointment. Just as a side topic, I find 'low expectations' to be a very helpful strategy in many situations. One is often pleasantly surprised.
Which leads me neatly to Saturday's long run. I don't know whether it was becuase I was coming down with something although you'd think I'd be used to THAT by now LE SIGH or whether I'd actually managed to string together a reasonable week of training prior to the run, but I was a bit leg-weary quite a bit earlier than usual. Like 5kms in. Bugger, I thought to myself, this is gunna be a toughie. And I was right (cue sinister music dun dun dun daahhhhhh).
As devotees of the LBTEPA Diaries will recall, I am lucky enough to run along the rail trail and be uplifted as I sweat by the beauty of the early morning sky, cows, trees, the music of the birds and frogs etc etc. That stuff doesn't always work, you know. If you're really stuck in a head full of I'm so slow, why do I bother, I'm a joke, I'm so fat, what a loser, I hate this, I'm so slow, why do I bother sometimes all the charming cows and delightful frogs in the world can't get you out.
No! you gasp, as well you might. However did our heroine make it through?
She sucked it up, that's how. After trying coaxing (come on, cheer up, you can do this), bullying (FFS* you big la-la stop being such a baby) and reframing (which only works when you know what? this isn't so bad isn't A Lie) - I came to the conclusion that this was just how it was going to be today. Oh well. A cranky noggin and tired legs does not equal stop and go home. Elementary, my dear Watson. Just Keep Going is a case of mind over matter - I hated every step, wanted to stop oh so badly and wished with all my heart that I had a less stupid hobby, but I didn't really mind so it didn't matter. I just kept going and going and going, drinking my water and having my gels and eventually I realised that I was feeling a bit less terrible. Mind you I was very happy when I rang my Mum and she agreed to run the last 6km with me, preventing me from lying down on the path refusing to move or ringing the Spousal Unit for a Lift Home Of Extreme Lameness. If she hadn't got a sniff of the barn and taken off 1km from home, thereby obliging me to chase her, I mean she's 72 for heaven's sake I have some pride we might still be friends.
Lessons from Saturday's 24km:
24km is a long way but slow people get there the same way fast people do - one step at a time.
Realising that you've done this before and didn't die is helpful.
Things pass if you let them.
Even if they don't, you can still Just Keep Going.
Mums are grouse even when they make you run (ahem) 'fast'.
Ice baths cannot be accurately described by persons who have foresworn swearing for Lent*.
More anon, scholars!
*thought-swearwords don't count

Remember

- whatever it is you're struggling with, someone you know will be doing it far better than you and really easily and banging on about it on effbee and/or their blog, which will also be much nicer, cooler and have lots more comments than yours.
- do not take this personally.

So what's happening with all of you these days? I'd love to be thrilled by the awesomeness of your lives!

More anon