and I quote

crikey I'd better get scribbling like a lunatic if I'm to be able to tick off two 'blog' boxes on The Chart. It's day six of the 'no sugar' Febfast thingy I'm doing. Unfortunately I've just realised I'm doing it wrong! My approach is to refrain from cake, jellybeans, chocolate, soft drink, honey, stewed fruit, flavoured yoghurt, biscuits, etc etc etc. From my reading of the challenge website and also an article in today's paper, that is uber-wimpy and not nearly hardcore enough. These people are giving up everything that has any sugar at all in it! Bread! Sweet chili sauce! Milk! Sorry if people want their donations back....but feel free to donate if you would like to. It's for a good cause.
Now this is absolutely not a 'weight loss blog', but my five faithful readers will be aware that I have been saddened and frightened by the amount of lard I am currently carrying. I decided not to even try running until I shed 8.5kg, so as to try and preserve what's left of my knees. So it was with great satisfaction that I noted a 1.5kg loss when I weighed myself this morning. Once a week only, chickies, I promise - keeping an eye on things but not messing with my own head too much. With the help of my food log - oh, the number of times I must have grazed mindlessly, I find myself turning to the pantry all the time - The Chart - I'll split my exercises into 3 10-minute blocks if that's all the time I have, so ardent is my desire to Tick Another Box - and the Great Sugar Shake-up, I'm feeling better than I have for ages, and also the most hopeful. Hope is good.

clever, yet profound...

More anon, scribblers!

I must remember this

Observant readers will note that this list appears to have been screwed up in a rage (and possibly thrown into a bin) before being smoothed out and put back on the fridge (possibly in a rather embarrassed fashion). To sum up (there is too much to explain) I cracked it with myself for not doing my exercises and briefly indulged in a F***-this-I-hate-myself-I-give-up moment. Then I had An Amazing Thought which I believe it is my duty to share with my five faithful readers:
THE WAY TO STOP BEING LAME IS TO STOP BEING LAME. Get On With It and You'll Feel Better.
Fan.Tastic. Life changing. Captain Bloody Obvious, true, but at the time (and still) it felt like a thunderbolt or a lightbulb or something.
I've been practising another small life-changer recently. See this?

Yes, it's Reece Witherspoon, and yes, I love her shoes, but one thing I have noticed in pretty much every photo of her in 'off duty mode' is that her chin is up. She walks with her head raised and is usually smiling. After I noticed this, I started noticing how often I drop my head when I'm not feeling super-sprightly. Down goes the chin, down go the shoulders, off-balance goes the gait and stomp stomp stomp I'm waddling like a hippo instead of sharing my radiance with the populace at large. Since I realised this, I've been taking care to Fake iT Til I make It  and walk like I bloody own the place. It feels good!
More anon, striders!

B2B

Back to basics it is! I have a chart!

The chart idea arose from my insistence that Noddie practice her dance and instruments over the summer holidays, and us using the charts so she could manage her time herself, 'cause I'm lazy. I then realised that I had better walk my talk, dammit, so I made myself one too. The 'can't let her get ahead of me' motivation has been quite compelling.
It was all thrown out the window while we were on holidays on The Ghan.It was like being in a movie - unbelievably privileged and flash.  If you get a chance to go do! It's such an experience, and the scenery as you traverse the nation from top to bottom (hard to even conceive!) is ever-changing and amazing. Not to mention the food!

This was the first course of breakfast! So naturally I came home with a little bit more extra lard, and then we had a couple of bits of bad news which I dealt with by eating and drinking, and then ....I started logging my eating. I have been absolutely staggered by the amount of little stuff I shove in my gob when I'm not thinking! LOts and lots of little stuff = not-so-little LBTEPA. Standing back and identifying what I'm actually feeling when I am about to stuff said gob has been enlightening too - it's pretty much always 'I can't manage this, it's too much, no-one will help me'. Sadness and fear, those old faves. I have to keep reminding myself that these worrying times will pass, that the Spousal Unit is better now, that now is not then when it was all going down and I really did have to keep the family afloat all by myself. All is well, I can tell myself. All is well. Step away from the pantry.
I must tell you , my five faithful readers, about the book I've been reading - a towering work of staggering genius which has changed my life! Not, I hasten to assure you, the latest Haruki Murakami, which irritated me no end, but The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances, by the genius cartoonist of The Oatmeal. His slim volume is absolutely chockers with wisdom, and wit, yet it was one small paragraph quite near the end which resonated like a temple bell next to a hangover. 30 minutes, the writer states forcefully, is just a little bit more than 2% of your day. If you're not willing to hang in there for 2% of your day to feel better, then you don't deserve to feel better! Ooh, I said to myself, he has a point there. And nearly every time I think that, out the door I go. So it's starting to come together, a little bit. Now I have to go and change my bike tyre. I'll let you know how it goes!
More anon, carolers!

much better

well, that was awkward
good thing I got rid of that horrible cesspit of whining
- yes, what's still here is the 'un-whiny' bit - ack!
So how are you all? Kicking goals from what I can see of the book of face. Brilliant!
and so inspiring
I too have been kicking goals
not Peter Daicos left footed wrong-sided how-did-he-do-that? sneakers, but goals nonetheless. Little easy set shots. Walking 3 times a week. Want 4, working on it.
Weights, core, physio 3 times a week. Ditto.
I've even been out on my bike, coo er gosh
yes that's how far down I'd got, don't judge, even two bike rides are a cause for celebration here
often a bit sore and achy
so many niggles, so many internal freakouts!
but that's how it it
A turning point was when I consciously engaged with the thought that avoiding feeling weak/slow/fat was interfering with my expressing my values of health and fitness
HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!
had to find my own way there, though. I'm an experiential learner, me
I make a decision every day to accept these feelings so I can do what I need to do to get stronger.
I'm feeling stronger! I feel leaner although the bastard scales (and pants) don't agree
oh well
Next time I will tell you about my Secret Weapon. It's Fab!

setback

We are all sick as very sick dogs. I  have finally got to the dr and got some drugs so I can start to get better -don't get me STARTED on how much I hate that dr, I decided I hated him so much I hoped he got a nasty ant bite on his leg (I know) so the last week has been a bit drag self to work come home go to bed. Plus late night at the hospital with poor Noddie with a 4o degree temp, poor little thing.
But still - I've done my weights 4X, and I'm going for a walk today. I'm planning on doing the 5k walk at Metung next week and thinking about doing the tri the week after that. I was very struck by a story on effbee about a quite lardy woman doing her 1st tri aged 50+ - and how nicve everyone was and what a lovley time she had. I was talking to the Spousal Unit about how much the shredding I got when I tried to get the Athena division up in the Gatorade still affects me - I am literally scared and also deeply ashamed about exercising in 'public' at my current size. I must work through this. I do hate it when people like J and K say 'it doesn't matter, no-one judges you' because they do. They DO. They feel sorry for you or pity you or are outright rude and that makes it harder no matter what someone who's never been attacked thinks. But it won't stop me.
Cheers!

small steps

hi there blog
long time no speak but not long time no act5ion
since last we spoke I have started near-daily weights and physio (5-6 times a week so far!) and a walking program - up to 4*20 minutes this week. I struggle with thoughts of how lame this is, but I'm using visualisation to counteract this - I walk the way I used to - and will again - run and conncet with that postive feeling while I walk. My mantra is strong, tall, happy! I've made some stupid drinking decisions but they have now ceased. Jeff is helping me much more which is great. He's finished work which is wonderful in one sense - he's happy and relaxed and I'm not having to run the entore show all alone - but also a bit stressful to be The Breadwinner. I'm staying mindful and as I say now these stupid behaviours have been changed I should start to lose some lard soon. I feel stronger already and that's where I have to start. Pity about this bloody chest infection but the thing about light weights is I can do them even when I just want to go to bed.
I have a wonderful new plan, blog! In POrtland (where my dear friend Belinda lives, as it happens) there is a marathon each November. This marathon has an early start for walkers and an 8 hour cutoff..... It's now my Plan to do this marathon next year. Bring. It. On.
see you soon :)

lift

daily - physio exercises, roller, food tracking, light weights
20 min cardio x5
I want to be this person
I will be this person

Merrily we roll along

up to 30 min on the trainer yay
down to 95.2 this morning - MUST KEEP CONCENTRATING
so proud of myself yesterday at the house of indecisiveness (Bill's) - told them what we were having incl a tub of mixed veggies, & didn't eat any fried stuff
I CAN DO THIS
I have to do this
it's ridiculous to think I can't
I was even thinking of joining WW online - then I thought, I know what to do, really.
less fried food => being more bossy about what we eat (= sucking up that J is being infuriatingly lame lately. :(
less booze => soda water cordial first = less thirsty afterward
also mustn't drink disappointment
why is Mum being so horrid about me having nice clothes?
Happy that Emma is about to race again but also gutted :(  her 'two years injured' included two marathons!
doing hip exercises like a dervish. No stopping me!

back again

7/8/14
95.9
saw Kerry yesterday. She's given up drinking bc she prefers no tummy rolls
a good example to us all
chest pain = costochondritis from persisting in wearing bras from 15kg ago
how embarrassing
16E now bugger me
I've taken down most of my cardies and bought a couple of pretty new ones and some jeans that fit
determinedly not feeling ashamed
sort of
enjoying back on MInerva on the trainer up to 25 min now

what?

2/8/14
96.7?? F****. I feel so sad today
walk around the wetlands w/ w had to voltaren achilles afterward
hated everyone at the market who wasn't fat and could walk
20min on the bike trainer. determined to not stop in the middle go me
didn't finish the bottle :)
I bet J loses heaps of wet
it's a start
3/8/14
same weight f***f***f***f***f***f***
better start tracking food again
so hard when Jeff keeps bringing cheese and bikkies to the living room
please don't say 'just don't have any'
sinus douche
stretch
20min bike
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK
5/8/14
standing at work now my foot's hurting like it did in 2011 this is MESSING WITH MY HEAD
feeling trapped and terrified, what can I do when my stupid body is so fragile??
deep breath
get a grip womansheesh
you've pretty much got your health
and help
and determination
and it's a beautiful day
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK

it's all going to be ok

yes it is
I'll find a way out of this

Physio vist

catastrophically weak glutes = soe knees, sore back, sore achilles, sore feet
SSDD
a couple of exercises to do incessantly
calf raises and foot bcak 45degrees thingies
no running skipping minimal walking - mustn't aggravate the achilles
swimming - get this - no reason why not
shitshitshitshitshit
I could f***ing kill Bhaumic

onward!!!

off the grid

so we've gone private. I need to have my pathetic lame struggles and tiny tiny little steps toward my real life (not this lardy weak easily puffed sore pile of crap) in private not always presenting a positive face and also not expecting/appearing to want affirmation and encouragement. I'll just do this thing and then get back out there
this unutterably boring blog will be used to record the establishment of my new habits, and the shedding of my lard. 
Goal is 76kg
so
29/7
95.5
no exercise
sinus douche
didn't have a drink after the guests left
30/7
95.4
core workout and stretching
forgot balance
sinus douche
one glass of wine
bloody cheese and bikkies I need to learn to say no to J
31/7
95.6
sinus douche
balance core stretch
1 glass of wine
2 pieces pizza
1/8
95.8 bloody pizza good thing I didn't have 3

oh well

sms to the spousal unit and the Mighty Emma: withdrawn from Melbourne 10k not going to happen achilles not cooperating.

Emma, in her Mightiness, has asked me what would happen if I did 'give up' (as has crossed my mind of late, I cannot lie). My answer: if I gave up I could stop being so disappointed all the time (ok my sms to her had a swear word in it) I could give up trying to be hopeful but knowing underneath there's not a lot of evidence for anything going well. I sometimes wish I could give up but I can't and I never will

oh well.
Standing at work, stretching and core every day, off to a new physio on Friday .
It's just the road I'm on. What can I do but keep walking?

Friends by my side of course :)

No dramas, just stuff

I'm only writing this becuase one of the Improving Habits I am working on is to blog more. The topic should really be "SS,DD", but then again, reflecting on that - that this is all just stuff that happens, no point getting in a tizzy about it - makes it easier to keep things in persepctive, does it not?
Our heroine feels as though she is treading water and not making any progress at anything much, owing to
- the everlasting, ever-tedious chronic sinusitis + bonus bouts with local lurgis
->interrupted sleep -> hard to 'make time'
->low energy/general crapness
- father-in-law in and out of hospital
->even more  challenging to establish a routine
-> a stressed-out Spousal Unit
->who copes by bringing home chocolate
- and of course work/Mumming/housekeeping.
SSDD, really. I told you!
It's all just stuff to manage, but having no fitness base is a pest. I just can't seem to get any sort of run on to build myself up. But I am finding a way.
Improving Habit of the week is to be very conscious of my urge to go out/get takeaway when I'm tired. I've noted it and resisted it well so far, possibly becuase I've been reframing it as saving up to go away next year. It's all what you call things, isn't it?
Improving Habit for the coming week is to be very conscious of what I eat during arsenic hour (5.30-6.30pm). The bikkies and cheese can start to relax.

More anon, philospohers!

big smoke, little steps

a lovely visit to the big smoke for the dermatologist with Noddie last week included the zoo, the art gallery, shopping with my sister, lots of yummy not-like-in-our-town food, a ferry ride across the bay, and scienceworks. Now we know everything about black holes! We did a fair bit of walking, comparatively speaking, despite the winter wind, and I summoned the willpower to emerge from the spa at the hotel and wobble into the gym for stretching and core work. I wanted to (ahem) 'run' but the legs weren't playing after our (ahem) 'long' walk. The trouble with being physically weak is the body just Won't. Keep. Up. aka, patience is everything.
On Sunday I did go for a real live fair dinkum 'training run' - a planned and executed bit of exercise aimed at an event. So what if it was walk 2 min run 1 x8? I smsd a few friends I was going so I wouldn't sook out. When they kindly asked how it went I had two answers: a great start! and if I thought they were all going to be like that I'd give up on the spot. Both true. Next day the bastard achilles were a bit grabby but they're better today so I'm going again after work. I was just talking to Noddie and we agreed that getting up early(ish) this morning and doing my exercises and not running is much better than staying in bed dozing and not running. Noddie's a lovely child.

More anon, arty-farties!

and another thing

There's a 1.5k swim held every September in the cooling pond for the power station about 2 hours from our house. I've always wanted to do it and then always forgot about it until the weekend it's on and we're always busy/it's sold out/I haven't trained and etc etc. THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT. WOOT! Too. Much. Fun.
It's not a nuclear power station so I won't glow in the dark afterward *pouts*

on a related note, here's to giant-killers!

possibly the most exciting post ever

Guess what? I've entered the 10km at the Melbourne Marathon in October!!!! I have A Goal! Something to Aim For! I might end up running 30s walking 2min30 for two hours while cross skinnyfasts gallop past me yelling abuse (it's all on the same course) but I. Don't. Care.
It. Is. So.On. On like Donkey Kong. In like Flynn, that's me.
I am So. Over. not racing. You know what I've been doing wrong? Forgetting that 'how can I do it?' is always better than 'can I do it?'
I'm going to have to get a bigger Team Stupidly Determined shirt made.

(I don't know that I'd call it 'courage' exactly...)

More anon, excitables!

ok enough

I don't care if I have to lie down after every rep I am going to do my core exercises and skipping today so there
More anon, wobblers!

and then...

our heroine was poleaxed by the disgusting phlegmy lurgi that has felled an estimated 30% of LBTEPAville and nothing has happened since, except tracking food and standing while using the pc. Bleah.
More anon, germ-sharers!