I was ***ing shattered. Could barely stop crying. It took me right back to that weekend, limping around Disney World, trying to enjoy it and not ruin the fam's holiday. It took me back to when I found out how my ****ing ***** of an ex-friend had stabbed me in the back and all the intimacy and trust and sharing we'd had in our friendship over (at least) the last year had been a big fat lie.It took me back to people looking at me in that what a stupid thing to be upset about way, and other people smirking and saying 'really, it's quite funny' when it bloody isn't and never will be.
But I've moved past that frightening, sad, missed-a-step phase now. I'm still absolutely filthy, and appear likely to remain so but I'm stepping back and looking at things.
So here's what I learned from Goofy.
Sadness lasts a long time and can pop up and ambush you
You miss your past strong healthy self like you miss a loved one
Manning up and holding it together is very good discipline but sometimes it makes people thinking you're not hurting as much as you actually are.
Losing a huge dream makes you very afraid to have other dreams or even move very far from the absolute present.
I'm scared of curbs
Some of your friends are selfish lying ****ing *****es and there's nothing you can do about that.
It's a very long way and costs a great deal of money to travel to Disney World. I still ant to do Goofy. I want those medals! But I can't see justifying it financially - and I can't see any linear connection between where I am now and being able to run any meaningful distance either. All I can do is pretend, in as cheerful, disciplined and mindful a way as possible (although I confess there have been some monumental failures with regard to the first two this week), and do what the physio says. Activate the core! Swimming's been taken off the table, btw. Boo. We're staying in a block of flats in Brisbane (did I tell you we're on holiday in Brisbane this week? Brisbane's fab!) so, in the absence of a treadmill on which to walk (only while adjusted to the highest incline though) I have been climbing the 10 floors of stairs each day.Go me!
I have to get out of this fearful place. I have to start looking ahead without flinching. But how? Any thoughts?
What big dreams are you chasing?
3 comments:
I have a few thoughts. None of these are easy, but I think they will help you
1) Practice Forgiveness. For the sake of your own emotional well-being, you need to forgive that person who upset you by doing the race. Forgiveness will allow you leave that behind so it stops stealing your joy.
2) Set and Celebrate Intermediate Milestones. Looking out on the horizon toward a BHAG (big hairy audacious goal) can be intimidating, overwhelming, and downright depressing. Don't look quite so far out there right now. Look forward to running again. Running a 5K, 10K, etc. Or whatever milestones you can set. And CELEBRATE when you achieve them.
3) More of What Makes You Happy. I know there are other things in your life that make you happy. Whatever those things are, do more of them. Let the Happiness seep in so the Sadness can take a back seat.
Like I said, not easy things to do, but I think they will help. *HUGS*
Poop, it ate my comment.
It's ok to be sad. Acknowledge feelings, and all that stuff (you know feelings stuff better than an engineer.)
I want to start moving toward my big goal again. The coast!
We've been spinning the injury rehab rubik's cube for the same time, really. We did that marathon together, both injured. It sucks the enormous one.
I'm not buying yarn this yarn. With the savings, I can shout a trip to Goofy for us both.
Emma
You know that I just recently broke up with a very dear friend. For me, I bounce back and forth between hurt and anger. Once I recover, I think of how sad I am for the person. Everything they do is a reflection of themselves and has nothing to do with us.
One day, if it still YOUR goal, you will get there.
It's taken me 6 years to make the decision to do the 70.3 at the end of this year. I confess. It is fueled a little by competition, but it is still my own goal. I guess that's my biggest goal of the year.
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