this week's motto

Slipping

A week of a lurking cold, far more client hours than normal, low mood, cold weather, niggly foot - this is VERY upsetting and I MUST sort out some strategies for dealing with my emotional responses to it - have produced some Unhelpful Thoughts in the LBTEPA noggin. Along the lines of, I'm tired and gloomy, another day off won't hurt, I slept badly, yes I will have that wine thanks. It's not just me has weeks like this? Well, Captain Picard put it best!

I'll be spinning or walking tonight. Bugger the wind. Everyone goes off track. The trick is noticing, sooner and sooner, and veering back.
More anon, astrolabers!

5, 4, 4, 2,1, 0

5 catch ups with friends
4 walks
4 alcohol-free days

2 bike trainer workouts aka victories of character over sloth

1 not home-cooked dinner
0 swims epic fail must do better
Kms of skirting board painted - 10000 why are there SIX doors leading off the corridor, WHY?
Plantar fascia - niggly and a constant worry but stable and tolerating very slow loading
Mood - good

More anon, sunny-side uppers!

Pressing on

Home again, jiggety jig.
Shaken but not stirred, our heroine is sleeping better and not so jumpy. I need a badge: 'does not cope well with conflict'.
I'm loving just swimming again - the fact that I can now go to the pool without dreading it is hereby noted as the first triumph of the 2016-17 financial year! Mind you, I pick my times very carefully, but that's how things Get Done, no? There's an open water swim in September I have my eye on.
This morning there was quite a funny battle between hurry up get your shoes on you've only just got time for your walk and I'll just do some Important Things so I don't have time then be mad at myself. The washing is still blocking the laundry door; the walk was good :)
I've been reflecting on my Top Secret Big Scary Goals, and reminding myself that playing the odds is the only way - if I keep working, I have a chance at success, however small. If I listen to the BS in my head and keep putting things off, then I have no chance. Things will stay the same. Ewww.

More anon, glorious leaders!

and a partridge in a pear tree...

On the sixth day of the 'holidays'*, Bendigo gave to me
two eisteddfodau
four brisk walks
one swim workout
dai-ly stretching
no stress eating!!
(sadly, angry drinking)
six days of wrangling dancers
fifteen solos
three duo performances
(while the other mum sat watching)
one day of being attacked by the other mum for upsetting her kid by 'being too controlling' (you have to sing this one pretty fast)
one massive row
one dummy spit
(see 'angry drinking') 
one abrupt departure
one kid to manage!
so much lovely dancing
...and lots and LO-OTS of bling

I am so happy for Noddie. A huge amount of hard work went into these :)
More anon, (ahem) 'holidaymakers'*

*This post's other name is 'what I did on my (ahem) 'week off'.

Friends

I realised the other day that I was seeing missed workouts as failures rather than completed workouts as successes. No wonder it's been hard!
But I've solved the problem! I've found myself a peer group! A mutual cheer squad! A struggling, knocked-around-by-life,  cheerful, indomitable little band with Big Dreams and hope in our hearts!
D is an old school friend I've kept very loosely in touch with. While his wife was dying of brain cancer he coped with food and beer and tv. Now he's picking himself up and starting The Man Challenge! Go Dazza go! The other person is my dear friend the Might Emma. She has so often picked me up and given me a shove in the right direction; I would absolutely not have finished my last half marathon without her by my side. Now it's my turn! Go Emma go! I'm so excited!

 

More anon, strivers!

Of course!

Rescue Remedy! Coming soon to a swimming bag near you - or to be precise, near me!
I don't know what's in these little gems, unicorn sweat probably, or rare endangered herbs gathered at midnight on the solstice by unwashed wearers of dreadlock-and tie-dye. Ewww. But they got me through three eisteddfodau in a week last year; Noddie, although she may not realise it, is still alive to tell the tale becuase of them and their little yellow friend the spray. Surely they will help with pool-related freak-outs.
Off to the chemist now, to stock up then splash down!

 More anon, aquamen!

The next big thing

A very strange and unhelpful thing has been happening lately. When I get to the pool, and almost every lane is occupied by some 'person' (extended defamatory description deleted) who is swimming or walking up and down the centre or one side of the lane, I start to feel extraordinarily upset. I become extremely angry, helplessly overwhelmed, and even teary. I've spoken very rudely to someone, snarled at a poolie and then cried on the car. What on earth can be going on? Is it symbolic of my perception of this long and stony path back to fitness as overwhelming? FFS. I dunno. I don't really care. Whatever it is, I'm giving it too much energy. I need to shift my focus.
So: this next few weeks' challenge.
Go to the pool three times a week.
Feel the feelings. Let them be there.
Swim.

I love swimming!

Do I need to enter a race? I think I do.
More anon, cogitators!

cautiously optimistic

+

 

+ 

+

 

 =

(I hope....)

More anon, bouncers!

PS NOT my actual bike

well butter me on both sides

First up, MASSIVE congrats to the mighty Tea for a monster PB at her half ironman yesterday!! She is an example of excellence and grit to which we can all aspire.
Secondly, I gave up listening to the advice I'd been given about my sad sore foot - after three months,  I'm persistent, no? - and had a chat with Dr G00gle. Now after 2 days of following that advice, I'm better! There is very little soreness in the morning, and no pain after walking. I'm still swinging between cursing myself for not being more proactive - for buying the you're too fat' story, in essence, and wasting weeks on end - and somewhat hesitant joy. Who'd have thought a superball could change everything?
 Anyway we have to make a mad dash to the Big Smoke today for a medical appointment and I'm also feeling quite sombre after the dreadful events in Orlando so I'll leave it there. I'm going for a walk.

Reframing

Since I have decided to think of the stupid rude entitled PITAs who appear unable to comprehend the 'keep to the left' signs (with handy arrows for the literacy-challenged) at the pool, and who think that staying on one side (as opposed to swimming up and down the middle of the lane) is 'sharing',  as escapees from a sheltered workshop who sadly lack funding for permanent carers, I feel a lot better about going to the pool. I try to go at times when there is at least one lane which either has a normal cooperative thoughtful polite person in it or is empty. These times are sadly few but I am dauntless.

More anon, splashers!

This week in song!

A Big Day

As my five faithful readers are aware, LBTEPA has been known to give the Demon Drink a bit of a nudge.
Over the last two or three years, what with the endless ride on the injury roundabout, my poor Spousal Unit's Mum dying of leukaemia, him being bullied out of his job, and then his Dad dying as well, it's been more of a jolly good shove than a nudge. My name is LBTEPA and I am a stress drinker.
People do this stuff. If you don't, good luck to you. I bet you know someone who does. I'm not defending myself, or asking for approval, sympathy or advice either. But....
A month ago I felt strong enough, supported enough, recovered enough to make a Big Change.
Since this time last month I have had 15 alcohol-free days. This is A Really Big Thing for me. I'm REALLY happy and proud of myself.

I have no intention of going back to daily sherbies. It's getting easier and easier. Can I have a WOOT!! please??










More anon, firecrackers!

3am vs 7am

3am this foot injury has broken me. I give up. I have another cold. I can never get a run of consistent exercise going. This is never going to work. I am stuck in this fat broken hell forever.
3.15 No, I'll get up when the Spousal Unit leaves and do a bike session. Yes, that's what I'll do. Zzzzzzz....
6.59am bugger bugger bugger I meant to get up when the Spousal Unit left now I won't have time to do my whole workout and I still feel sick too.
7am No no no no no I have time Noddie can organise herself now and I AM NOT STAYING IN THIS FAT BROKEN HELL FOREVER get on your bike LBTEPA 20 minutes will do you can manage that. Crank up Eddie Izzard on the ewetube!
7.30am (sweating)
thanks Eddie!

More anon, stumblers!

dreaming big

I've been watching Desert Runners while I've been doing my bike workouts. Have you seen it? It's brilliant. These people are so determined. I'm inspired by them. I love a big dream, a big crazy dream, and watching these brave souls push and push and push until they either finish or can go on no longer just does something to my heart.

More anon, soldierers-on!

a run

...not the very best sort, where your feet are strong enough to pound the footpath for happy ages while you work up a righteous sweat...
...but another very good sort

the Spousal Unit is a very Good Sort

... a run of sustained exercise for several weeks, with no disastrous, disorganised or dispirited 're-starts'. Yay! The 'key' (which may only be 'the key' at this moment, who knows?) appears to be making the basic units of working out as accessible and repeatable as possible, eg cardio = bike (set up in study) or rowing machine (5 minutes away at the gym), and weights (ditto). Anything else at the moment is jam.

 

 Mmmm jam...

Starting from where I actually am is evidently quite a good idea. Who knew?

More anon, crumpets!

I forgot

...to cancel my gym membership!
The gym has a) music videos which are not exclusively millenial soft-porn doof doof and

b) several rowing machines! I like rowing machines, as long as you don't tell me I have to go faster every time I use one (hello upsetting failure and subsequent avoidance, my old friends!). More to the point, my stupid plantar fascia might like rowing machines. Cardio that doesn't aggravate my foot that is a) somewhere other than my house b) around other people and c) not my bike on the trainer would add to the quality of my life no end, ahem hashtagfirstworldproblems.
I'll keep you posted!
More anon, homing pigeons!

My goal is to post every week

Not much to say here at Chateau LBTEPA, so it's motivational image time again...I know, I know...I'm bored too...but it's just gone FIVE EFFING YEARS since I broke my ankle (just over four since it was reconstructed) and I can either a) give up and settle meekly into flabby middle age, or b) keep punching on no matter how incomprehensible 'success' might seem. Let me think....

More anon, sweaters!

For your viewing pleasure

I love this.
Not much to report this week. Our heroine continues plugging away at Stuff here at Chateau LBTEPA. Drawers are getting cleaned, exercises are getting done, mindless face-stuffing is getting not-done. Long-held assumptions about how much I need to eat to keep going are being questioned. My foot is on the mend, too!! Yay!
In other news, it's eisteddfod season again, which I wasn't very good at last year. I'm getting through it much better this time. Life's all about learning, isn't it?

I have to say, I am impressed and inspired at how brave these kids are. I think a lot about how to be a better parent, and it is painful to watch them walk out there in front of everyone and muck it up and 'fail', and be disappointed, especially when they work so hard. What I'm learning is to let Noddie walk her own path. When I don't 'protect' her, she works out her own way to manage (hello Captain Obvious!).... She's good at it!  She's not crushed by a non-linear relationship between effort and reward.
I always tell her that winning happens when the competitor takes the first step onto the stage. To me, that's winning. When you do the work, and show up, and have a crack. We might not get the result we want, but every single one of us who does those things is winning. Maybe I mean succeeding. I dunno, it's been a long week, with far too many false eyelashes and sequins involved.
More anon, pothunters!

Hungry?

The magnificent Cilla has asked a very good question - am I hungry? Bless her.

Yes. No. Sometimes. How would I know? Can I ring a friend?
I know why I eat when I'm not hungry (see 'Boring Whiny Shit/Why No One Reads This Blog') and I'm finally starting to set up new behaviours to make it less likely. Operation 'smaller portions/less cheese' is going well!
So is Operation Gumby. Stretching with Noddie the dancer is fun!

Daunting, but fun.
More anon, claymations!