Oh well

so I rested my ankle for two weeks as the physio said, and then I went for a nice little short run in the rain and wind (it's been really terrible, half the district is under water ) and it was so great and I felt so alive and happy and then afterward I iced it as per said physio advice and it was so painful it almost burned and it's been really sore all day today so I went to the dr again and he said I need a CAT scan and maybe an MRI and not to run or cycle (b/c clipping out hurts my ankle) until it's all sorted out which could be a while so no Gold Coast half marathon and quite likely no Melbourne marathon because that's 16 weeks away and I'd need to get to work now if I was taking a tilt at it again.
I am so sad about this. I don't want to go to Queensland now. I don't want to be near another race I'm not doing. Not again. I'm so sad.
Everlasting injury BS makes for boring blogging I know Obut I need to write this down somewhere otherwise my head will EXPLODE. This is STUPID. I was just buying some prawns FFS. I AM  SO UPSET.
I don't want my ankle to be trashed. I want to run and train and sweat and RACE and GET BLING. I am disappointed and angry and sad and sad and sad. 
 My CAT scan is tomorrow morning and I should hear the results within the week. Then we'll see what's next.
Oh well.

More anon, plodders on!

Little by little

So I went to the dr and asked him why my ankle was so sore so long after the Great Prawn Disaster and he said he thought it was ligament damage and that I should see the physio to start sussing out the extent of the damage and that if it was a worst-case scenario I should ring up to get a referral for a CT scan and/or MRI.
Oh, I said.
So how can I make this worse?
Keep running on it, he said. R.E.S.T. is step one.
Can we just take a moment here to acknowledge that I am OVER RESTING? I am rested Up To Pussy's Bow, what with horrendous blisters and irritated sinuses and coughs and gastro bugs and all the other stuff I am so bored with and feel so pathetic about that I don't even blog about it any more to avert the risk of anyone falling off his or her chair with the tedium. I grapple with the wake up at 3.30am with painful sinuses/finally get back to sleep 90 minutes later/now do I get up with the alarm and work out or sleep longer so I am functional through the day (and maybe get better a bit more quickly hahahahaha)? question over and over again. So. Bored. With. It.  I lost so much base over the summer and now every time I start to get on a roll something gets in the way and I just don't seem to have that killer-instinct, ok it's 5.30am/8.30pm and This Is The Time I Have for this workout so I'm Bloody Doing It steel determination in the required spadesful at present. These things happen. It's a phase. Yet still the whole mess messes with my head and makes me frantic and scared and sad.
But I digress.
So there I was, sitting in my car outside the dr on Monday afternoon with ligament damage of unknown severity. I must tell you, my five faithful readers: it felt like the Goofy news all over again, which is stupid stupid STUPID becuase I'll be missing a cheap half-marathon 2 hours from my house, not the massively expensive race of a lifetime on the other side of the world. I was frozen, I felt sick, I wanted to cry. Not. Again. That feeling didn't abate at all until I saw the physio on Wednesday morning and I confess I hid from it through irritability and under a pile of chips, chocolate and chardonnay. I just couldn't stand how bad I felt.
I know. LAME.
The physio had a bit of a prod around and uttered the most wonderful words I ever heard: the reconstruction has held. He's a bit of a buzz-harsher and would choke before anything remotely encouraging fell out of his mouth so the rest of the session was all about how I'd mismanaged things after the Prawn Fall (10 days 'rest' wasn't enough, apparently; I should have intuitively divined that it wasn't merely bruised) but his final verdict was 2-3 weeks off and add balance and calf strengthening to my core and stretching routine. Swimming and cycling ok, also deep water running hahahaha not. going. to. happen.  He also (somewhat confusingly) said that I can probably still run the half marathon at the Gold Coast - if I don't overdo things.....???....so that's good. I think.
But I still feel really sad and lost and hopeless. That hasn't gone away. I wish it would.
The only thing I know is that I don't have a choice. I have to keep doing what I can when I can with what I have. Little things. I have to keep giving up and whingeing to the Spousal Unit and throwing myself on the couch in despair and then getting up again and getting on with it. It's worked before and it will work again. It's just that this bit of it really sucks.

Good thing I am so bloody fabulous and brave and amazing, isn't it?

In other news, Noddie and I are off to the Big Smoke on the train on the weekend for our looooong-awaited Culture-and-Shopping Extravanganza. We'll be staying at a hotel in the city (and eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant! Oooh!), catching the ferry to Scienceworks to see the Wallace and Gromit exhibition and taking in the wonders of Ancient Mesopotamia at the Museum. We also plan to go nuts at as many shops as we can manage and eat good asian and greek food. To quote my 8yo companion-in-adventure: It. Will. Be. Awesome. I think I'll wear my leopard print trench coat.
More anon, fashion criminals!

Proud

Oh, how proud you will be of me, my five faithful readers! Since last I bleated wrote, I have crash-tackled some major bleaty stuff, to whit oh I'm so lonely I love it here but poor me I have no friends waah and oh I am so unfit how depressing everything always goes wrong poor poor me waah
- I asked some women I know over for a girly dinner party! Everyone brought something and we all played one of those question meme games, you know, who plays you in the movie of your life, who's the most famous person you've ever met etc (J won by miles - strip poker at Mt Hotham with Robert DeCastella, I don't care if it was 35 years ago!). The Spousal Unit kept Noddie and her little friend corralled at the other end of the house and we all just laughed and talked and laughed until home time.
And then!!! On Mother's day!!!
I Did A Race!
You see, these days J always works on Mother's Day, only this year (to my immense are you sure? are you really sure? Can I see that roster? surprise) he didn't! Once the obligatory brekkie in bed had been (gratefully) scoffed (and the lost ipod/hat/socks every other bloody thing had been located) I was off into the rain and freezing wind to represent Team Stupidly Determined in the 10km. I have a new Team SD sleeveless top that I made out of a long-sleeved top that didn't ever fit properly, me being so blessed with busty substances, and I hummed and hawed about wearing it a) becuase it was FREEZING and my other top was both extremely fetching and had long sleeves and b) becuase, well, I was feeling a bit funny about how last I was going to be. At the last minute, however, the true LBTEPA spirit shone through! and I toed the line with STUPIDLY DETERMINED on my back. Within minutes I was at the back of the field (where 'at the back of' = completely out of sight of), being passed by small children and nannas on walking frames doing the 5km. But I didn't care. It was just so nice to be out there on the river bank working up a sweat. I felt happy and I stayed feeling happy all the way, even when the rain stung me and when we had to scamper through muddy puddles and when my #$*&ing orhtotics had another go at removing the soles of my feet. Bastards. I had a few lovely chats with the bike marshall as he cruised to and fro - he did his first Ironman in Melbourne in March so was happy to yack about that and I of course can faff on about running until the cows come home.
The worst bits about the race? All the sympathy. Keep going, you can do it! (Thank goodness you said that, I was planning to stop) You're doing well! (So glad you think so). Also the outright derision from one of the marshalls. Tool. People: slow does not mean underdone or unfit. Slow does not mean struggling. Slow just means slow.
The best bits? Wearing my shirt - so many people laughed and commented on it! Being out running, along the river, in the wild and wooly weather. Cliche alert: I felt so alive! The absolute best thing of all was how strong I felt. I love to feel strong, love it love it love it - it is the absolute best feeling in the whole world and I didn't realise how much I'd missed it. I knew I could run 10k. How cool is that? I could keep running and not slow down and steam into the finish and embarass Noddie with the triumphant arm-raise thing and collect my ninth consecutive mother's day medal. I think I might run next year and then retire! It. Was. Just. Wonderful.

I've stopped wearing the bastard foot-trashing orthoticis and have replaced them with some off-the-shelf ones that feel ok. In worrying news, every time I've run in the last week my left foot - the one I hurt when I tripped over a few weeks ago - has ached and ached and felt really weak and strange. Back to the quack again today. Onto the #$*&ing injury merry-go-round again, I fear. Meh. Oh well. I'll keep you posted More anon, streakers!

oooh! oooh!

Race report coming soon! Yes, I, LBTEPA the Mightily Unfit, actually pulled on the Team SD shirt and raced! A 10k! In the rain! Last by miles (of course) but no pain! Yay!

Scary

it is so easy to not exercise

*HEADDESK* #2

MY ORTHOTICS STILL AREN'T HERE!!!! ARRGGHHHH!

*HEADDESK*

So I got all bored with massive blood blisters after every long run and took my orthotics in to be adjusted, as you do. The podiatrist took them on Wednesday, was going to fix them on Thursday or Friday and pop them in the post (his main office is 150km away, and he's going on holiday next week) so I would have them today. Not ideal since my foot still needs to be mollycoddled and the best way to get it all sting-y and painful is run without orthotics (I have evidence that this is not just pessimistic thinking, alas - I had to borrow back my favourite ice-pack from Noddie on Friday) and I HAVE A HALF MARATHON IN 3 WEEKS did I mention that?????
They weren't here today so I rang up to check whether he might have sent them to his office for me to pick up. HE'S JUST DONE THEM. TODAY. HE WILL POST THEM TOMORROW.
*headdesk*
One of the perks of living in a picturesque bucolic wonderland such as that in which I reside is that THE POST TAKES AN EXTRA DAY. So I won't have them until Wednesday at the earliest and I've already had five days off running and I HAVE A HALF MARATHON IN 3 WEEKS did I mention that????
 Yes yes yes I've been stretching and walking and doing my core workout and a bit of cycling but really - hang with me on this, I'll explain it very slowly and carefully - the best preparation for a running event, especially when you've not laced on a Saucony in anger since October, is RUNNING. True.
Now I am happy to take responsibility for any and all behavioural impediments to my becoming super-zoomy. I eat too much. I drink too much. I get all disheartened and don't work out enough. But I've rehabbed this foot like it was my job and been careful and patient and cautiously optimistic and aimed high-enough-but-not-too-high and I was just getting on a really good roll and building up some reliable strength and endurance and I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS RACE AND NOW IT'S GOING TO BE A TRAIN CRASH unless I come to my senses and drop out but then I won't have a hit-out before Gold Coast and I was really looking forward to it it's not fair

*pouting*

Le sigh.......

Look! Shoes!

- not mine, but very fab, don't you think? Who can be downhearted when such shoes exist?
More anon, toe-tappers!

Just like the big kids

The nice chap at the bike shop gave me an Endura Cool Mint Gel to try so I thought I'd be like all the big kids and do a product review. Here it is: this gel sounded as though it would taste like toothpaste, and did taste like toothpaste. I'll stick with the raspberry and vanilla. They are Yummy.

I confess I haven't tasted the coffee one; I am extrapolating from the fact that I don't like anything else coffee-flavoured

In other news, Noddie has a new bike and has started riding to school! It's about 1km along a straight road so no big dramas but I am still SO proud, and so happy to see her beaming as she flies down the hill.

She also has her first sports injury BOOOOOO! - a hairline crack in her heel, which is not uncommon and will resolve itself in time but it's been quite painful, poor lambie. She was so brave at the podiatrist's. I have lent her my favourite ice pack.
Please don't feel you have to read this next bit as it's quite dull.
Activity here at the LBTEPA Institute for Behavioural Modification continues apace. Project thisissoboringOKAYI'llwritedownallmyfood has interacted with my laziness in an interesting way: I'll often refrain from cupboard-grazing when I can't be bothered looking for the notebook o'boringness (aka my food diary)! As so often happens, my friend the Mighty Emma has lit the way to another breakthrough. She has recently modified her diet to include porridge for breakfast and salad for lunch. I don't especially care for porridge, or rather, since it is the LBTEPA way to be accurate, washing the porridge pot, so I have substituted muesli as a fast-breaker, and fang down on rabbit food at noon. Rather startlingly, after only four days the button on my work pants is noticeably happier.
Have you fallen asleep yet? Sorry.
I must tell you about the Most Awesome Run I had the other day. It wasn't one of the effortless floating ones or the wow that was fast ones or the I could go all day ones. It was after work eww and warmer than I like and I was stiff from my long run on Sunday (14km, how the mighty have fallen, eh?) and my foot was hurting and I couldn't get my shoe tied properly or my orthotic to sit right. But I kept going. I retied my shoe and fixed my orthotic and stretched my calves. I focussed on my form and reminded myself I only had to run for two songs (BTW ahem did you just read that? Two whole songs! Squee!! And happy dance!!) As I trotted on, things settled down. I felt more comfortable, and strong. I didn't ever feel good as such, but I felt ok and as though I could keep going as long as I had to. No dramas, no desperation. Enough in the tank, physically and mentally. I felt strong! I didn't realise how much I had missed feeling strong. I think about it now and I smile.
More anon, exemplars!

Things that make you go hmmmmm

Comment by LBTEPA on the Mighty Emma's effbee page, following an indication that she (the Mighty Emma) is thinking of a grudge match with Melbourne this October:
...asking myself, can one really go an entire year without a marathon....?
Her response:  A year without a marathon is like a year without mind-numbing terror.
When you put it that way..........

Is there a middle ground between too comfortable (which the brave, brave button on my work pants is telling me I am right now) and scared out of your wits?

Mmmm, bikkies

It's the Anzac Day public holiday here today. In honour of the occasion I have made some Anzac biscuits. My first batch ever - so un-Australian I know! but better late than never. They are yummy (if you read the recipe in the link, there's no way to achieve instruction 6).
I also ground out 8.5 of the slowest kms ever recorded by a conscious person but I did run 2 songs/walk 1 the whole way and I have no foot soreness YAY! YAY! YAY!. And it's not my long run (11km is scheduled for Saturday. Eeek).
A quiz for you: just say a sharp edge in your orthotics is giving you brutal blisters. Do you
a) tape your foot, or
b) tape the edge of the orthotic?
Extra points if you worked out that the best answer is b) in less than 3 weeks, unlike some people I admit nothing
Operation you bite it you write it is continuing in its boring yet worthwhile way; I'd tell you more about it but I might fall off the chair at the immense tedium of it all.
Must keep this short as Noddie wants to paint flowers on my nails, and the footy is on. It's my favourite sort of game - very exciting and loads at stake and my team isn't in it.
More anon, kid-wranglers!

we can rebuild it

Righto.
I must just say that, since I acquired the Best Sinuses Money Can Buy TM, sinus infections such as the one with which I am currently afflicted are a matter of somwhat tiresome pain, general off-colour-ness and poor sleep, as opposed to wanting to saw my own head off as was the case in the past. It's all good.

The other day Captain Obvious flew in and whacked me on the head with the 'you idiot!' stick - it finally occurred to me that the reason I don't seem to be getting anywhere much with the Great Health and Fitness Overhaul of 2012 is that I have started from where I would like to be than where I actually am.

Images in this post are brought to you by my no-show12.30 client

Consequently, boffins at the LBTEPA Institute for Behavioural Modification have conducted a thorough needs analysis, pinpointed a number of skill deficits, and come up with A Plan, bless their enthusiastic little hearts.

Issue 1: I am chef de cuisine here at Maison LBTEPA. I am also a picker and an emotional eater. I just stuff things in my mouth All The Time. Mostly little things, but my work pants are telling me it's adding up.

Plan: write down EVERYTHING I eat.

BO-RING, but so is my work pants being too tight

Issue 2: vaulting ambition o'erreaching itself (aka senseless optimism/biting off more than I can chew).

Plan: limit, limit, limit. Slow, slow, slow. 30 minutes on the bike, not 40, so my hip won't tighten up, so I can run the next day. 6km runs, not 7, so I can run two days in a row.

This is also BO-RING, and very confronting. I like to see myself as this crazed superfit superhero (STOP LAUGHING) and let me tell you, I will be that person again. But I need to suck up that I am not her now. Patience, patience patience. I will FLY AGAIN! Bwahahahaa!

Mind you I am still doing two half marathons in the next couple of months. That doesn't count.
Issue 3: no routine to my fitness.The Spousal Unit works pretty much random shifts and Noddie is a bit young to be left alone.

Plan: get up at 6am no matter what and do SOMETHING. Minerva is set up on the trainer in the study, but even if some wretched lurgi is hanging about (as they so often do) making cardio inadvisable, I can still stretch or do weights or a core workout. I need to am going to rebuild my "I am an athlete, this is What I Do" mindset one day at a time.

The guts of it? I need to TTC, have a RHG and a GHLAM!

More anon, thinker-outers!

PLan C

In which LBTEPA Thinks Things Through

3.45pm Saturday: The Spousal Unit gets home from work.
- You're off for a run?
- I really don't feel like it but since I didn't go this morning I pretty much have to decide right now whether I'm still aiming for the full at the Gold Coast. 
4.15pm: head out
4.20-4.45pm:  I really, really don't want to do this today. My foot hurts. Why is my foot hurting? Why didn't I stretch today? I stretched yesterday. My head aches. Stupid smoke. It'll stop soon. It's not stopping. I'm not re-tying my shoes again. This is doing my head in. I don't need this....aaaannnd repeat
4.45: sms J when I get home I am entering the GCM half the full is just too much atm it's messing with my head
5.20pm: enter Gold Coast Half Marathon
5.21pm-10pm sulk, feel like a failure/loser, and more of a failure/loser for feeling like a failure/loser about something that a) makes perfect sense in the context of my current health/injury/fitness status and family/work/study obligations and b) loads of people would love to be able to do and think is amazing.

Essentially, I did The Right Thing, then had an extended sook about going interstate for a nice holiday, some bling and a new t-shirt - becuase I looked in the mirror and didn't see Wonder Woman.
Boo F----ing Hoo, eh?

J said Now you can just enjoy yourself! And do a bit more riding and swimming, and just have fun.
That's taking me a while to get my head around, but I'm sticking with it. I'm plucky like that.

Of course I woke up this morning at 4.30am becuase poor little Noddie was coughing and I feel fantastic and full of energy (if not properly awake). If I hadn't got all gloomy yesterday I could be out getting my long run in and still on track for Very Slow Marathon #6
*SLAPS SELF ON HEAD*
This will give me the chance to really thoroughly get my core strength and flexibility sorted and my foot really properly healed (not to mention the sprained ankle from last weeks' faceplant) instead of always worrying about how far I'm pushing it and every little ache and sniffle that's going around.
I will also experiment with this 'exercise for fun' thing. I'll just do a couple of halfs over the next few months and maybe the full in Melbourne in October.
*READS PREVIOUS SENTENCE, SLAPS SELF ON HEAD AGAIN*

More anon, derring-doers!

The horns of a dilemma

So. Do I crank out my make-or-break, do-it-this-weekend-or-forget-about-the-full-at-the-Gold-Coast 20km (did I tell you that Noddie commented the other day you know you could just go to the Gold Coast and not run in anything. I just stared at her in complete incomprehension) from 6-9pm tonight after work EWWWW, or from 3-6am tomorrow morning before J goes to work EWWWWWWWWWW?
Ewww.
But as the Mighty Emma, my comrade in Stupid Determination, has observed, everyone wants to do a marathon but no-one wants to run a really long way.
I want to send a shoutout to my good friend Sara who is going through her own stuff and still reaches out with comforting thoughts when her dopey mates fall over broken footpaths and hurt themselves twelve weeks out from the Next Big Dream. Darl, I think I was going the full drama queen about my foot, on the inside, but was so horrified myself that I couldn't even express it. The ankle is still a bit creaky but that's what ice and ibuprofen are for, no? (((HUGS))) darl you are the best.
Do you have an awesome friend who always says the right thing? Get on the phone or the interweb or ride your bike to their house Right Now and thank them for being in your life. Off you go!

More anon, buckers-up!

(that's BUCKERS. With a B)

JFDI

I was whingeing to the ever-patient Spousal Unit the other night. No! you cry. Never!
What's happened to me?I used to be fired up! No sooner had I packed Noddie off to bed and I'd be on the trainer! I hurled myself out of bed morning after morning in the freezing cold, no worries! Now look at me. What's happened to the mean keen exercise machine? Where did she go?
I don't know where she went. She's not here, that's for sure.
B#&*%, letting me down when I need her.
You know what? I thought. She nicks off, with my mojo and my enthiasm? I'll show her. I'll run by myself. 
And I did. It wasn't too bad. It's been cold but the mornings have been clear and beautiful, and I got to high-five the funny old bloke who always tells me there's five miles to go, and say hi to Killer and Fang the attack fluffballs out protecting their Mum.

Dear Keen Energetic Self: see you when you get back, but I'll be ok.

Told you

6 km run 4: walk 2 with no more than the usual creakiness says IT'S JUST BRUISED.

Thine be the glory

Easter Blessings to you all!

A river in Egypt

I have decided to ignore this whole foot nonsense and treat it as a false alarm until evidence to the contrary becomes particularly intrusive. IT IS ONLY BRUISED.

The curse of the prawn

It's Good Friday today so yesterday I nicked out from work and headed down to the waterfront to get some super-fresh prawns off the trawler (as you do skite skite) for the fish barbecue tonight.
My purchase complete, I trotted back to the car, caught my foot in a broken bit of footpath (as you do) and splatted so heavily and inelegantly that the fishermen came tearing out to see if I was ok. I think I was a bit shocked becuase I more or less bolted away. I should have asked them for some ice. Now my foot is sporting some unsightly bruises and is quite painful even without weight on it. It feels weird.  I might whiz up to the hospital for an x-ray when I've finished my tea.

Bloody prawns.

UPDATE: possible fracture, a week on crutches then another x-ray to confirm. #!&%!!  #!&%!! #!&%!!

Up and at 'em

I need a personal trainer who would stab me with a pin and make me get out of bed in the morning! I used to be really good at hurling myself out from under the doona o'sloth: now all it takes is one trip up the hallway at 3am to help poor coughing Noddie and I'm All Excuses All the Time when 6am rolls around. Then I get up at 6.50 in a temper becuase I KNOW I'd be feeling GREAT if I'd just got back from a run or ride.
Oh well. We here at the LBTEPA Institute for Self-Improvement are nothing if not tenacious and optimistic! The sun will rise tomorrow, and who knows, I may be out there to greet it! I'll be doing (drumroll please) 6.5 km of run 4 minutes, walk 2!!! No more run 2 walk 2 for me, no no no no. Bring on the squeals and girly handflaps!!! Woot!!

I did charge through a major (self-created) obstacle today. The GPs at the clinic where I work are quite grumpy, and I suffer from Fear Of Grumpy so I've been putting off asking them to distribute the surveys for the research I'm doing for the Everlasting Masters Degree. Today I just thought, hang it, I'm going in! Possibly becuase I've been reading Bear Grylls' autobiography. Fascinating stuff, all GO FOR IT, DREAM BIG, WORK AS HARD AS YOU CAN AND THEN WORK HARDER, NEVER GIVE UP AND THEN GO FOR IT SOME MORE. He could so be a member of Team Stupidly Determined (especially if he took his shirt off a lot).
 Anyway, of course the GPs weren't nearly as scary as i had imagined them to be (although they were pretty grumpy, possibly an occupational hazard??) and they were happy to help me. That's a major yay since I need a sample size of 138 for appropriate statistical power and as of last week I had eleven.

And YAY for sucking it up and going for it. When did I forget how to do that?

More anon, storm riders!

why I walked home

aka EWWWWW

More anon, band-aiders!

What does it mean?

What does it mean when you dream you've drunk-dialled Mark Allen and told him he has diabetes and he threatens to shoot his doctor and then you have to stop him?

I know this

if I am consistent with my strength work and running I will progress
if I am consistent with my stretching and core work my foot will take more running without hurting me
if I am consistently patient with my run/walking I will be able to run further and not aggravate my foot
if I am consistent with my patience run/walking so slowly won't mess with my head so much
if I am consistent training will get to be a habit again
if I am consistent I won't worry about what's going to go wrong this time, I'll just do it
if I am consistent I'll believe in the process and that one day I'll be able to run without thinking about it
if I am consistent I will be able to come home from a run all sore and hurting and not be upset because I am looking at the big picture
if I am consistent I'll finish another marathon one day. Maybe one day this year
if I am brave I will get up from this computer and put the ice back in the freezer and limp off to the tri club dinner.


I AM BRAVE.


Cheers

Interesting facts

- Running shoes that are not  completely worn out don't make your feet and knees hurt. Note to self: mark the date on them somewhere.

- These shoes don't make my feet and knees hurt either. They may blind bystanders with their fabulousness but I can't help that.

- The lurgi that hath laid low half my town is of a treacherous and deceitful type, viz., it pretends to bugger off and then when you're reaching slightly-less-feebly for a bite of something more substantial than dry toast, returns with a vengeance. I tricked mine this morning: I went out for a stagger before I'd properly woken up so I didn't register how crappy I was feeling until I was out watching the sunrise and bidding a gay good morning to the sprightly octogenarians and their foxies fox terriers, what were YOU thinking?. Worked like a charm - I was slow as a wet week but got the ks done and didn't die. KPIs achieved!

- The sum total of Australian awesomeness dropped this week. Jim Stynes and Lincoln Hall have died. Let us learn from their lives. Live the dream, people! Go big or go home!

And fill up your life with small sparkly joys while you're at it.

- I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until the last week of May I have done a 30km training run. I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until I have done a 30km training run.. I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until I have done a 30km training run.. I am not entering the Gold Coast Marathon until I have done a 30km training run. Let sense rule over optimism this once.

More anon, flashdancers!

Living the dream

This edition of the LBTEPA News begins with ORN (obligatory running news):  despite being laid low with the vicious lurgi that has claimed half my town I am stringing together sort-of regular workouts. Nowhere near what I'd prefer at this stage in a (ahem) "marathon" campaign but what can you do? and anyway I haven't entered yet although I'm not giving up. I'm gaining weight like it's my job, le sigh, but I have A Plan for that which I may go into in another post if it doesn't seem too boring. My foot gets niggly when I slack off on the core/strength/stretching but hasn't torn again. That is A Good Thing.
The first ever Ironman Melbourne is next week and I was really looking forward to being part of it as a spectator with the Spousal Unit and Mum and Dad. I don't know if you remember the magnificent Dave, who gave me his marathon medal when I sooked all over him after they ran out of bling at the end of Melbourne 2010? Well you should, he is a Top Bloke, and I was looking forward to cheering him over the line of his first Ironman. But as so often happens, everything has fallen into a sorry heap and we're not going. Mum and J both thought it was on the Saturday not the Sunday, so J would have had to arrange an extra leave day. Then it turned out that Mum and Dad are moving into their new house on the Monday as well. Not the best time to be away and there will be loads of last minute things to help with over the weekend. I'm really very disappointed, but in comparison with spending three days hobbling painfully around Disney World looking at other people with Goofy medals it's not so bad. I can go next year.
But I digress.
Not long ago Noddie went to a party where she'd had a great time playing football with the boys, playing on her friend's wii (which we don't have at home) eating cake and watching the big kids play car chase games on the x-box. We were talking at bedtime and I asked her how it was. Oh mummy, she said, we were living the dream!
A couple of things have happened lately that have got me thinking about that.  Margaret Whitlam died this week. Although I never met her (my Mum has) I felt happy for her that she lived well for a long time and passed quickly. She lived by her principles and from all accounts her life, although not perfect of course, was how she wanted it.  The second thing was that a friend of mine was on holiday when she heard that a friend of hers, whose wonderful life she'd always been a teeny bit jealous of - great job, married to the man of her dreams, brand new baby - had died, very suddenly. My friend went home, packed up and left her partner. She wrote in her blog that life's too short.
I asked J if  there was anything he isn't doing that he wants to do, any important thing that's missing from his life? He thought for a bit and said no. This probably sounds terribly smug but, touching wood, I can also answer 'no' to that question. I'm blessed with loved ones, I live where I want to and I'm doing the work I want to do. My commute is a drive through the countryside. My home is warm and pretty and full of stuff that would horrify the style police. I wear red lipstick and fab shoes and crochet lairy blankets and run Very Slow Marathons with other big dreamers. Of course I've got a one of these days list like everyone else - an ironman, Macchu Pichu, piano lessons - but - and this is the important bit - it's not an oh, I could never do that list.
My question, seeing as we are getting all philosophical oh you weren't? righto, carry on is: are you living the dream? What are you not doing? Do you want to wear polka dots and paint your bedroom silver and sing opera and get a dog? Why aren't you doing it? If the answer is because it's not the right time, but I know I will one day - great! Keep your eye on your dream and grab it when you can. If it's oh, (a person like me) couldn't....  well...

Just trust me, my friends. The Style Police, the Too Fat Police and the Not Good Enough Police never come.
More anon, dragon-tamers!

Playing with the big boys

Hurrah for public holidays and family all the way from Ballarat for the long weekend and trips to the beach in the boat and barbecues at friends' places (but not the totally TMI conversation at the end of the evening, how do I get myself into these things?) and permission to start my placement At Long F#@*ing Last and effective antibiotics and 12 glacially slow, drippingly humid and just bloody wonderful km of 2 min run/2 min walk! My first 'double figures' since October! All that tiresome boring stupid stretching and strength work and patience patience patience is getting me what I want. Who knew? I'm thinking of doing the Traralgon half on the third of June. One of my friends is doing her first full there, pretty exciting! Go Jenny go! It'll  be a good hit-out to see if I should do the full or the half at the Gold Coast as well. We've booked our flights now. I'm stoked.
I've also discovered that you can while away a very pleasant hour googling "good disney running songs". Don't judge me.


 

more anon, wandering minstrels!

Happy International Women's Day

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY TO ALL THE INSPIRING WOMEN I KNOW

 

 

 

...this is not all of you, of course. I'd be here all night.
Cheers to you all, dear friends! You make me brave and the world amazing.

Sunday seven

1. Re: my last post. As my five faithful readers will attest, I am all for complaining as a rule but lately I have been getting totally bogged down in my own whingeing. I have been tangled almost to a standstill in my own doubts and pains and struggles - hence my 'ignore it and it will go away' strategy. I will keep you posted.
2. a self-limiting rehab exercise program* is mind-bending. It's really really hard not to worry all the time or to get a bit obsessed about missing a day of stretching/strength/core. Progress is excruciatingly slow and difficult to maintain a focus on. I have been able to wear wedges to work a few times though! Seriously, apart from, you know, missing Goofy and not being able to walk without pain or exercise pretty much at all for three months, yes apart from those small things, the worst thing about this injury is not being able to wear heels. I know: Me = Shallow. It's very difficult to Sweep About The Place Fabulously in flat mary janes!
3. I didn't realise how much I enjoy a nice sweaty McSweatfest mmmm cardio until I couldn't do it. I've realised that running and cycling/the bike trainer are some of the very few activities Noddie can't/won't interrupt. A marathon is 42.2km of peace and quiet.
4. I am really struggling with Noddie's behaviour at the moment. The urge to dive into the chardy to make the feelings of helplessness and anger Just Go Away is strong, but I am keeping things within civilised limits most of the time
5. I've recently read Julie and Julia and it is ruining my life. In the last week alone I have made my very first cheesecake, a successful banana cake (!!!), home-made singapore noodles with crumbed tofu and a pumpkin and prawn risotto 35 minutes of stirring, anyone?. I'm consulting Nigella almost daily. What has happened to me?
6. I think I might go a bit Steampunk this winter.I am lusting after this coat. But then again I am bidding on these (a pair of them. Not just one). My town needs me to wear these! (Really. You haven't been here).7. I want to do the Gold Coast Marathon on the first weekend of July this year. There. I said it. It's out now. I don't know whether the rehab will happen fast enough for me to rack up the ks, but that's what I want.

More anon, galloping gourmets!

*weak core muscles = wobbly hip = leg torsion = actually feeling foot tearing as I run or ride ewwww. If I don't get it right I literally cannot overdo it.

Don't say it

This was originally a completely different post about how I don't wanna (engage in any disciplined, goal oriented behaviour, basically). Be grateful my trembling finger never connected with the 'publish' button - it was a sooky la-la whingefest to horrify even the most hardened of my five faithful readers. But not on the internet = never happened. Phew!
I recently read Marshall Ulrich's book Running On Empty, which I found much more interesting and moving than I expected. In it he tells the story of a gifted young Russian mountaineer who was cut from his nation's Everest Team for commenting, once, that his hands were cold. Later in the book Ulrich comes back to the story and makes the point that the way you get strong and attain your goals is by refusing to give attention to your own moods and complaints. Focussing on what's wrong uses energy that you need for other things. Just because it's true doesn't mean you have to say it. Can't do anything about it? Ignore it - becuase option b is giving up. Mind you he ignored injuries and pain to a level that is completely bonkers and also quite dangerous, but essentially I like his thinking. Mojo schmojo. Motivation? A luxury.
I want to be strong.
I want to have lots of energy.
I want to be able to run a long way.
I want to do more marathons and triathlons and be that person everyone at work thinks is a bit odd but who has happy animated conversations about running and triathlon with other odd people.
I know what to do to get what I want. I'm writing this sitting on the verandah looking at the rain pouring down so hard I can barely see across the road, but I do know what to do.
More anon, super-soppers!

the best thing

about everyone in the family having a yucky achy sore-headed exhausted lurgi is that now I can be sure that a)I'm not just lazy with no mojo and b)it's not the chronic fatigue coming back. It's interfering with the rebuilding of my fitness, but that's temporary.
More anon - when I get the unbelievably cranky Noddie off to bad later I may indulge in some utter soppiness about the Spousal Unit, to whom I have now been happily married for 12 years and one day. He's a top bloke and I love him to bits.

up and down and up and down

Some days I'm all, ok, let's DO IT!! yeah!! and some days I'm dragging myself around like I'm made of lead, missing workouts and sleeping like a brick. This starting from (well behind) scratch thingo is haaaaaaardddd. Good thing I am PATIENT, CHEERFUL and OPTIMISTIC, yes?
Now I must stop wasting my precious last weekday off before my placement starts - SO EXCITED about that! but also very scared of how rushed I will be - and take 2 of our three computers to the shop to discuss why they have mysteriously stopped playing dvds (the pc) and working at all (the big laptop). I can't be expected to do a bike workout without anything to watch! Well really.
More anon, dazzlers!

Good stuff

- spending a WHOLE HOUR hour ON MY FEET sweating (walk/running) with NO soreness next day. There were times in January when I said to the Spousal Unit that I didn't believe I would ever run again, let alone aim for another marathon one day. I could just about cry with joy thinking about this.
- not whacking myself on the noggin with 'I used to be able to...'
- appreciating the small gains for what they are - 10 pushups at a time instead of eight! Yay!
- realising that I'd lost my purse arrgghh, remembering I'd probably left it at McDonalds when I got a coffee the day before oh no!, then finding that someone had handed it in. Yay! People are great.
- realising that I do not want to be the sort of person who rants about rude unhelpful phone companies on effbee before I did it
- working out how to close our cash passport from our holiday. I am so clever.
- getting up the nerve to ask favours from the scary exec managers of clinical services and allied health. I am so brave.
- remembering that even the ability to feel happiness is a gift that we take for granted. I AM SO LUCKY.
More anon, super-troupers!

You are getting sleepy....

It appears that here at Chateau LBTEPA we have been either bitten by tsetse flies or annoyed a wicked fairy. Since I got back on the exercise horse I could sleep for Australia, 8+ hours at night, zzzz-ing through the alarm and nana nap events included. But I'm sticking with it. Luckily I've been able to squish in workouts in the evenings. When my placements start and I'm working 5 days a week I will be renewing my relationship with 05.45 and I'm not looking forward to it. We've never got on.
So far the Great Habit Overhaul - which may be confusing to my five faithful readers since I believe I have forgotten to mention it here, apologies - has had less than stellar results. To be entirely truthful, which is of course the LBTEPA way, my birthday party on Friday was a food-and-drink fest so epic that it will be spoken of in awe-struck tones for generations. Everyone had a good time - I certainly did - but my body spent the weekend mumbling huh? what? I thought we were getting back in shape? Oh well. These things happen.
Now it's time to bite the bullet, knuckle down and give sustainable behaviour a crack. I've officially gained 10kg since I met the Spousal Unit, which while of course not diminishing my awesome fabulousness in any way, is not a trajectory that aligns with my long-term (Mad Old Lady Doing Awesome Things) plan.
Yeah yeah yeah you say, *smothering a yawn* we've heard THAT before........and you have, too. I don't know why This Time Will Be Different - and maybe it won't - but as the lovely DG's husband Dr G said, you only have two choices:
1. Try your hardest and give it a red hot go, or
2. Give up!
Has to be Choice #1 really.
I am starting to feel stronger, physically and also in terms of remembering not to mindlessly scoff food that I don't particularly want (hello after-dinner Cadbury Roses!). I'm starting to think of my core/weights sessions as just something I do rather than in a desperate/sad Must Do This It Will Fix My Foot way. I even got out the bike trainer yesterday and had a nice sweaty workout watching Normann beat Macca in 2006, but my foot is a bit niggly this morning so I might have overdone it *makes sad face*
So the year is six weeks old. My favourite thing about 2012 so far is what a good mood I'm in pretty much all the time. It makes me realise how much of the last couple of years I spent in a grit your teeth and grind your way through it state of mind. Cheerful is much nicer. Next project: make it last!
How's your year going? What have you been up to that is adding lustre to your fabulous life?
More anon, ducklings!

45 degrees

Two days from now trumpets will ring from the ramparts of Schloss LBTEPA to celebrate my forty-fifth birthday and I have to say I. Am. Not. Pleased. Forty five is such a dour-sounding number, and completely foreign to the prevailing zeitgeist of energy and optimism! Forty-five...forty-five...forty five. No. Don't care for it.
The other day I indulged in a moment of oh my gosh I'm forty-five that's MIDDLE AGED and what have I done with my life? Then I thought, what have I done with my life in the last five years?
- travelled to Vanuatu and the US
- finished 5 marathons and some half marathons
- had my ankle reconstructed, sinuses re-bored, depression and pneumonia
- finished my honours and almost finished my masters in psychology
- made the big move to the country
- stayed married to the wonderful J, done my best with my dear Noddie and made some wonderful friends
- started to establish a career in my chosen profession
When you put it like that, that's not too shabby really! Yay!
The more eagle-eyed of you will have noticed that in 2012 I AM-------------------------->
PATIENT
CHEERFUL
OPTIMISTIC
I really do need to practice these things, otherwise this rehab would be doing my head in. I do core and strength sessions on alternate days. I walk/run or swim nearly every day. The walk/run is walk for 5 minutes, run 100 steps, for 40 minutes. I 'went long' on Saturday hahahahahaha - yes a whole hour! Go me! Knowing when I've overdone things is pretty straightforward too - it only takes two or three steps with poor biomechanics (= poor core/hip control) for my foot to literally start to tear ow ow ow. Stabbing with broken glass anyone? So far there's only been one day when I've abandoned an outing and sulked home. I am patient, I am cheerful, I am optimistic......I'm off to work out how much casual birthday barbie food to buy for 25 people.
More anon, champers at the bit!

Come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab

While we were travelling I wrote some notes in the back of the Trip Diary what? you don't keep a Trip Diary? How else would I ever remember IDREAMOFJEANNIE lane in Cocoa Beach, or the letterboxes shaped like giant fish? about What I Will Do When I Get Home.
- muesli for breakfast
- core or strength workouts daily
- haven't got time to stretch, haven't got time to run
- walk/run or swim every day.
When I wrote them they were a wish list. A wow I wish I was the kind of person who could do that stuff thing. I don't mind admitting I went away feeling very down, very weak and a bit hopeless. Well no S#$& Sherlock, say my five faithful readers. I couldn't see myself as being an athlete, so the idea of doing stuff that athletes do was incomprehensible.
But over the month we were away I left that feeling behind somewhere - possibly in the Disney World gift shop with my cool sunnies. Darn it. I liked them.
By the time we left Kona - did I mention we stayed in KONA? On ALI'I DRIVE??? Squeee! - I was fired up again!
Kona is fabulous - it's an athlete's town, for sure, but a paradise for fanciers of coffee, icecream and beer as well. You should go there at once. Really.

Very good beer.

Kailua bay, full of clear warm water, coral, beautiful fish and hot blokes swimming really fast.

Now we're home, the feeling has lasted! I feel energised and optimistic. So far I've stuck to the WIWDWIGH list and I'm feeling good. I'm feeling stronger already, which is the best feeling in the world. While we were away Noddie decided she wants to be a vegetarian and I have been supporting her with that (although I eat fish); maybe that change is contributing to my happy mood? I don't know and I don't really care. I'm riding this wave while it lasts! I know this year will be busy what with finishing two placements and writing The Thesis aarrgghh but I have a feeling that it will bring lots of good things too.
I do have a Secret Crazy Goal as well (OF COURSE), but more on that later.What are YOU looking forward to this year?
More anon, lion dancers!

Orrighty

As soon as I finish this cup of tea, Operation "I know there's an athlete in here somewhere" will commence!
More anon, yellow brick road followers!

I was right

Team LBTEPA's Big US Trip continues apace. We have swum with manatees - the most wonderful experience! - and eaten Key Lime pie in Key West, which is an absolutely top place. You should go there as soon as possible. Tomorrow we go snorkelling in Marathon Key - how could I resist? - then maybe a day trip to Miami (better get myself a white jacket and some reflecting shades), then off to Cape Kennedy for some rocket science. After that we are Kona-bound, for snorkelling and volcanoes and a run along Ali'i drive (I hope)!
I was right. It did absolutely break my heart to walk around Disney World and see all the runners with their Goofy medals. I didn't begrudge them their bling for one second - I know how hard you have to work to even think about Goofy - I was just so sad that I would never get one. I'd consoled myself that I might at least walk through the magic castle but when I got there it was blocked off. I don't like to upset the Spousal Unit and Noddie so I went and looked at the moat and pretended I had something in my eyes. I sat next to a Goofy runner on the bus back to the airport and I ended up telling her my sad tale; she asked had I been along to watch any of the races and then interrupted herself, no, you wouldn't have, it would be much too sad.
Four days later my heart is still broken but at least the sharp pieces aren't stabbing me every time I think about The Big Dream That Died.
On that note: today in Key West, we walked and walked and walked for five hours (it's a brilliant place, you should go there Straight Away) and MY FOOT DIDN'T HURT. For the first time since October I spent an entire day without feeling as though there was a piece of glass in my shoe. This is A Good Thing. A Very Very Good Thing.
More anon, buccaneers!

Goofy times

Travelling update: Disney World is INSANE (but in a pretty and very well-ke pt way). The stage shows and 3D shows are BRILLIANT. The place we are staying is comfortable and friendly and fun and there's plenty of more than acceptable food. We've overcome our confusion at the upside down light switches and the sweet bread and have learned to speak very slowly and clearly so people can understand our exotic foreign accents. Despite being cross-eyed with tiredness after flying from Honolulu via Denver, we went to the Magic Kingdom the first night we were here to see the parade and the fireworks. It was magic. So beautiful. We're going back in daylight tomorrow to hit some more rides (and quite probably buy another t-shirt).
It's very very hard to be around people wearing Donald Duck medals (for the half) here, and I expect it will be harder tomorrow when I see people with all three of the Goofy medals, but I am, as always, keeping the old LBTEPA chin up, riding the heck out of roller coasters with Noddie, and refraining from eating chips.More anon, bigears!

My bad

as the young'uns would say.
I have been a slack, slack blogger, but in my defence I have been busy - since last I wrote I have
- hosted Christmas lunch
- spent time wth my brother, s-i-l and 3yo nephew down for the holidays
- thrown a 50th barbecue for the Spousal Unit. Happy birthdy darl!
- found an eleventh-hour house-sitter (phew!)
- finished up work for the year
- cleaned the house to within an inch of its life
- packed for the three of us to go away for a month
- made the #$%! cash card work by sheer force of will
- celebrated new year's eve with friends in Melbourne
- started the new year with a swim and ended it 38 hours later IN HONOLULU
- sipped tea and looked out over Honoluu from our 36th floor balcony
- visited Pearl Harbour, Waikiki Beach, Iolani Palace, and the Bishop museum
- eaten my bodyweight in Korean food, sent 10 post cards and bought far too many t-shirts
In addition to this, I have come up with the theme for 2012. If I was the type for retrospectives I would have to sum up 2011 as the year of wallowing. A bunch of mild-to-moderately crap stuff happened, certainly. My foot is nowhere near better. But things got me down. I got very very down. After my foot got hurt I Just Gave Up.
Well NO MORE. I will continue with the strength/core work. If swimming is what I can do then I will swim. I will get better. I am dreaming of a slow 100m on Ali'i drive in two weeks' time but it doesn't seem at all likely. A walk might have to suffice. Cross your fingers for me.
So the theme?
2012 is hereby THE YEAR OF NOT WALLOWING.
And not eating chips.
We are about to get the shuttle bus to the airport to catch the redeye to Florida via Denver so I'd better go.
More anon, gallivanters!

To my five faithful readers

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Wonderful

The most wonderful thing happened the other day. I woke up one morning and I'd stopped feeling ashamed of my body. Yes! After 30+ years of wrestling with self-shame, self-blame and not good enough, I finally accept my whole self. I cannot believe how nice it is to see my belly in the mirror and not judge myself for it. Harsh thoughts do flit along from time to time, of course, but now I notice them and think, oh yes, I used to buy into that s#$*. I don't struggle with them any more. I just let them be and they get bored and slink off.
It's a strange time for this to happen, being as I'm at my heaviest ever and unfittest for years. But it's good. Being kind to oneself is so restful! It means I can buy a couple of one-size-larger t-shirts for my holiday so I'll look nice and be comfortable, without self-judgement or justification. I look at my slightly-too-small clothes now and feel mildly irritated that my outfit choices are more limited than is completely convenient, rather than diving into the I am such a lazy loser pool and having a good splash.
But how did this happen? you ask, (as well you might). I've been actively challenging my thoughts about size for quite a while, since I realised that nearly every day began with an upended bucket of harsh as I stood on the scales or saw myself as I dressed. This is not how I want to live. Nor is successful weight-control = personal worth an attitude I wish to pass on to my beautiful Noddie.
Initially I was much more successful at changing my thoughts about others than those about myself. I recall my physio commenting that my podiatrist could stand to lose some weight. Could he? I asked. Hadn't you noticed? he said. My reply was, I don't look at people that way - and I was happy to realise that this was true.
I was determined to cultivate a more peaceful and loving way of being. I kept noticing my self-critical, self-hating thoughts and allowing them to pass. I kept being kind to myself and reading great blogs and thinking new thoughts that were in line with my values.
And then one day I woke up and I knew that I was completely ok.
I don't think this means I will never actively seek to lose weight again. The habits that led to this weight gain are not particularly conducive to good long-term health , nor are they compatible with endurance sport. But the difference now is that regardless of what happens as a result of my efforts or where I am in the change process, I will not be ashamed. I will never "fail". I will always be good enough, no matter what.
And so will you.
Merry Christmas, darls!

We were in the travel agent yesterday becuase we're GOING TO AMERICA IN TWO WEEKS OH MY GOODNESS HOW EXCITING! The agent has just come back from Disney World so was telling us all about how sensational it is and which rides we NEED to go on (Noddie and I are complete ride-heads so we are MADLY excited). Then she gave us a brochure with a map and photos of the Magic Castle and I thought I won't be running through there and I could have just laid my head down on the desk and howled. But I didn't. And the bright pink (Noddie's) and bright red (mine) suede passport covers (with diamantes!) have arrived and I've worked out how to transform dvd files into avi files so we can watch them on the new teeny laptop. So all is well.
But if ONE MORE PERSON says but you'll be able to do it another year or there are other races or you're still going to America anyway, aren't you?, I'll, I'll just....I'll just hang my head and say, that's true. You're right.
In other news: I have heaved myself off the Couch o' Self-Pity and been doing a bit of cycling out in the fresh air and sunshine. I've really enjoyed it, but every time I go my stupid foot gets horribly painful and takes 2-3 days to settle down again. Bloody upsetting. I've belatedly realised that riding a bike on the road is biomechanically completely different from working out on the bike trainer HELLO CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, so it's back to watching other people run while I spin away indoors. This trial-and-error method of rehab is doing my head in. My physio seems to be a great diagnostician but really crap at treatment. He just told me to 'strengthen my core' (umm, HOW?) and 'let pain be your guide' to returning to running. This is NOT as specific a set of decision criteria as I would normally use. He said he doesn't need to see me any more and that it's up to me and the podiatrist from now on. WHAT? I do not feel confident about managing this on my own yet. I worry all the time that what I'm doing is a waste of time, or even making things worse.
But you know what? Now that I've realised that this feeling of not knowing what to do and having no-one to help or guide me is part of the deep sadness of this whole situation, I can start to dig my way out of this pit. I've pinched a core/strength program from the mighty Erin and modified it so I can do it most days. I've been swimming, and my poor bike Minerva is back on the trainer in the study. It doesn't matter if I feel worried or lost. I CAN DO THIS.
Now must be off and start making another Christmas cake because the one I made last week was of such a magnificent melting richness that we have already eaten a fair bit of it.
More anon, yuletiders!

Truthful

Since I saw you last I have completed
3x sessions of stretching/core exercises
1x swim
2x bike rides, although my foot hurts after them which is a worry.
1x 2km walk with no foot pain. 2 whole kilometres. How the mighty fall, eh?
Daily epic battles with don't wanna and maybe later and how did I get so weak so quickly, this is awful why don't I just stop? So far it's LBTEPA 3, bleating 0.
No sense of "I'm baaaack, baby!" as yet, although I live in hope. I've noticed that the nice feeling of permanent slight muscle fatigue has returned. Progress is progress.

I've sort of been feeling as though I should apologise to my five faithful readers for all the bleating of the last few weeks. I do know that it's not really 'serious' or the end of the world that I can't do Goofy. We're going to Disney World and swimming with manatees and looking at volcanoes, for heaven's sake! But the other day I read a Woody Allen quote where he said I don't get angry, I internalise it and grow a tumour and I thought, that's why I have my blog. Sometimes I need to write stuff down to see its shape and to put it in a space outside my head. I like having lots of readers and comments and so on, but if I have to choose between that and writing something I need to write, well sorry darls and do pop by when you're next in town. This is where I practice being kind to myself, so I can do it on the hop out in the real world when I'm failing at being perfect.
Anyway just wanted to say that.
This afternoon is the tri club Christmas barbie. I haven't raced all season of course. I have been really dreading showing up to anything, all lardy and slow as always but without Goofy awesomeness to protect me. I'm still going. Fear is not a reason to pike.

More anon, sweaters!