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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Letting it go

Category leaders in the triathlon series I am doing have been invited to participate in their own wave, immediately following the elites. I am the leading Athena (70kg+ women. The male equivalent is Clydesdale, 95kg+) because I have raced more times than anyone else. My 40-point lead comes from gutting out two duathlons (yuck) on my own in the rain. Let's be honest here - I am big, and strong and determined, and I Am Slow. The thought of lining up with the skinnyfasts makes my stomach churn. Last summer I copped a huge amount of stick on a tri forum for campaigning that the Athena category should be included, or indeed that it should even exist. Anonymous, venomous nastiness about my weight and my fitness and my character. I know it came from a tiny minority and most triathletes a) are very encouraging or b) couldn't care less, but there have been times when the echoes of that hatefulness have made my hands sweat. I haven't let that experience stop me racing and I don't know why I am so apprehensive now.
Ok I do.
I'm afraid of scorn and judgement and people thinking that I don't belong on the course or deserve my podium. I'm afraid of what other people think. I'm afraid I don't deserve it.
Did I just write that?
Crikey.
*thoughtful pause*
You know what? It's easy to say (as J has, bless him) that I shouldn't worry about what other people think, and that the opinions of strangers don't matter. It is true, but it's not so easy to do.
However, we here at Chez LBTEPA are all about Doing the Hard Things and also Utterly Gratuitous Capital Letters.
All that #$% happened more than a year ago. It's been in my head for too long. As of now I'm officially Over It. I Hereby Let It Go.
* visualising screwed-up bits of paper with mean writing on it, floating out of sight on the wind* I'll be lining up in the series leader wave on Sunday. I earned my points and my podium and my prize and I'll be taking them. So there.

More anon, goddesses!
BTW, I don't think I am fat. I am happy about my body and what it can do. I am LBTEPA and I am fabulous

14 much-appreciated comments:

Cinders said...

you do deserve it and I think you're more than fabulous :) Shoulders back and hold your head high - go team LBTPEA!

Shauna said...

Wow... what a kickarse entry :) You are bloody inspiring and I love your attitude! I would have totally cheered out loud if not for my boss sitting two feet away. GO YOU GOOD THING!

skinny latte said...

Great post, and a very motivating reminder to me to let some $£%& in my head go as well. Brilliant! Never lose that spirit you have - I love hearing about yet another race victory!!

Wes said...

Might I suggest a coy smile and showing your backside to the nay-sayers :-) Sometimes, you just gotta enjoy it!!

Benson said...

HELL YEAH!
Good for you and good luck.

brendanpodger said...

# 1, # 1, # 1. YAY!

bekkles said...

Hey,

I wondered why there was no Athena catergory here in the West.

Go you!
Of course you deserve your podium!
You rock, I have never met you but you have managed to encourage me to enter my big butt into more triathlons and i LOVE them! I feel the same... I'm big but I can run a triathlon. Not too many skinny or not so skinny people can say that! ALl the best #1 Athena

Nancy Toby said...

You go, girl, and show those skinny girls some serious kickass.

Louise said...

70 kegs is "fat"??? Holy crap - what hope have the rest of us got.

I love reading about your adventures. Knck 'em dead...!

jeanne said...

wild applause!!!

it IS so easy to say you shouldn't care what others think (and p.s we SHOULDN'T) but it's very hard to not care. the best we can do is CARRY ON ANYWAY, no matter how we feel! which you do very well!

Jadey 0:-) said...

You do deserve it! And I can't wait to see photos of you on that podium with it.

M said...

I shall forever keep pieces of paper in my head, and when someone says anything to hurt, humiliate, belittle me, I shall transfer the words to a piece of paper and scrunch them up mentally and toss them away.

Thanks gratuitous users of capital letters! LOL :)

CNuk said...

You definitely deserve it! Besides, Athena was the GODDESS (note the CAPS) of wisdom, war, arts, justice....

Weight has nothing to do with it.

Dave said...

Good On you,

As part of said forum and also as a former Clydesdale I say there is plenty of room for these categories.

We all have the right to be out there. And if those skinny people don't like it well it's their problem and they need to "deal with it".

I just loved beating up on "those skinny" people then have them whinge about it.

GO for it and enjoy it for all it is.

Steely