FREAK OUT! And fake it until the champagne arrives

16 days until the Bairnsdale tri. Swim 1500, ride 40km UP ENORMOUS HILLS, run 10km Medic! Oxygen here, stat! LBTEPA appears to have fainted! Minus 5 days for taper…that’s 11 days to get trained and get planned and get ready and I’m doing the Port Melbourne-Williamstown swim on Sunday, so there’s a long ride day sacrificed for chop and swell and jellyfish and 19 f#$%ing degrees and rain!! What was I thinking? What am I thinking? I’m FREAKING OUT, that’s what! Aaaaahhhh! ...breathes in…breathes out…. Must. Make. Lists….. lists will save me! Oh, and denial. Olympic distance? What Olympic distance?

This is a bit of a heard-it-all-before half-arsed self-help-book rant, and I'm sorry about that, but it's been rattling around in my noggin for a few days now; it seemed important to let it out. When I showed my friend S the podium photo from Elwood last weekend, her comment really stuck in my mind.

Geez, if you’re the big girls, the others must be tiny! There’s nothing wrong with you three!

This is true. There is nothing wrong with the shape of my body. And I know it. I want to lose some weight, certainly, but not because my current weight is 'wrong' - it is what it is. It’s taken a long time, but I do know it. My friend M (about my height, a fair bit more slender) doesn’t. It made me so sad when she watched the 20-25 year olds on the podium and said Look at them. They can’t weigh more than 45 kilos. Her boyfriend G commented mildly that if she weighed 45kg we’d have to take her to hospital, but she didn’t smile.
Hey you! Yes you! You know who you are - making yourself miserable comparing yourself to other people. Faster people, lighter people, younger people. Stop it! Or at least, decide to do it less today than you did yesterday. You are perfectly fine the way you are!
No I’m not, you reply, I eat/drink/do/don’t……
Yes. You. Are. You’re living your best life, with what you have, where you are (mangling one of my favourite quotes, thanks Eleanor).
Listen to what you say to yourself. Would you take it from anyone else? Would you let someone say it to your child? I must say having Noddie has helped me with smacking down my self-critical voice - I am always extremely careful never to comment negatively on my - or anyone's - weight or appearance in her presence.
Suprisingly, though, saying those I wish I wasn’t so hideously ugly and badly dressed and socially inept and boring so I could have some friends things out loud to J before I go out actually removes their power somehow*. Out in the light they are revealed for what they are – old voices from forever ago, and sad bleating for reassurance. Sometimes they’re PMS talking, but I can recognise those sneaky bastards now and smack them down too. I don't have to listen to them any more. I can reassure my own self now. I’m strong and brave and I can hold my head up anywhere - or at least fake it until the champagne arrives!
The magnificent Nancy linked to this – I think we should all sign it, or make one of our own.

Must go and FREAK OUT again now! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Sixteen, I mean eleven days!!!

More anon, biters-off of more than you can chew!
*He usually just looks faintly surprised and says Oh.