Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Very fortunate person complains: world doesn't revolve around me

I’m a bit ashamed of this line of thought given that the world is a big serious place full of very bad things, and my life is a fortunate one, but it’s been niggling at me and I want it gone. So if you’re not in the mood for whingeing then come back tomorrow.

Do you ever feel as though your life is eating your dreams? That you compromise and give way and do what you have to do and make bargains with the universe (even though you know that’s stupid and you swore you’d never do it again because it only breaks something fragile inside you every time you set yourself up for inevitable disappointment) and say oh well it’s ok that I can’t do that thing that I dreamed of, so I’ll do something else, and be happy about that instead. And then something else happens, and your second-best dream can’t happen either, and gradually you move further and further away from those bright dreams that you used to hold tightly in your heart, and then you turn around one day and you can’t see them at all any more. How long can you wait and hope and plan and scheme and say ‘one day… one day…’? When this one single life you get seems to be turning into someone else’s, but you’re too tired and too sad to keep building your own dreams all by yourself so you might as well just float along with the current because it’s easier and there’s company?
Sometimes it seems that the only time I get to have my big dreams is at 5.15am when I’m sweating alone in the dark. But sometimes I don’t know if that’s space for my dreams either, or just my only space. And I need more sleep than I get. Sleep or time. What a question.
So the stories are read and the husband is cuddled and the floor has no crumbs and the toilet doesn’t smell bad and we are all fed and dressed in clean clothes and my uni reading is done. And the songs from the foreign language books and the piano and the garden and the country become fainter and fainter.
It shits me that I am feeling like this. This is PATHETIC. I was brought up better than this. I KNOW that this is a time of many commitments which I CHOSE and which are sources of great joy and challenge and will shape what happens in the future. I KNOW that there will be periods in my life when I will have lots of time to do things that inspire me, and many of the things that make me happy now will be over. To every thing there is a season etc etc. This isn’t about controlling how life turns out, or having it all, all at once. I KNOW that doesn’t happen.
Or maybe I don’t…..thanks for the lesson, life. Moving on now. The other thing I KNOW is that these feelings will pass. Don’t worry, I have plans (of course!) to keep those little flames flickering while the rest of my life steamrolls on. Just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

BTW thanks to Duane for reminding me that I have a triathlon to do on Sunday! My first one with Minerva! Woo Hoo!

8 much-appreciated comments:

Wes said...

Better to have dreamt and lost than to have never dreamed at all. That's why I savor the little victories, the small stuff. But I don't get bent out of shape when those things don't go my way either.

Dawn - Pink Chick said...

Good luck with your Triathlon.

kathrynoh said...

i think we need to go through periods of discontent so that we can make positive changes. It's so easy to drift through life and sometimes we need the wakeup call to reassess things.

Good luck with the tri!

Ali said...

Don't apologise for feeling this way! You're entitled to your feelings, and you shouldn't belittle them just because someone else might be having bigger problems.

Reflecting on these things is the only way to work out what you really want, so well done to you for putting it out there.

And the best of luck with your triathalon!!

Jadey 0:-) said...

I think I totally understand this. Like I wanted to do medicine and become a paediatrcian since I was about 3 years old! When I went to TAFE (I quit school early) I had a teacher that was very difficult. Here I was aiming for Medicine and he was teaching my 2 highest scoring essential courses. Maths Methods and Biology (I forget but it was one of the sciences) I would find the answer get it all figured out with the way to do it etc and he would come along adn say yes but I want you to do it this way and stuff me right up. SO I dropped his classes, switched my preferences and headed towards a legal profession. Except that was the year I had a miscarriage, lost my OH (who was my fiance at the time) and a whole pile of other things went to the crapper and I said screw Law! I wasn't coping with my massive workload on top of all that was happening to me. 2nd dream gone. I wander a bit of a career jigsaw now, no idea where I've been or where I'm going.

Anyway - I don't know if this suits you but I think It kind of does with what you are saying in your posts there.

From Bill Phillips (Body For Life Founder)

"So many of us put everybody else first – there’s always a child, a partner, a parent needing something, and what usually happens is that we put our own needs at the bottom of the list, and maybe never get around to taking care of them. We feel that we’re being selfish if we take the time to go to the gym, go for a walk, do that yoga class or whatever. Here’s a different way of looking at it:

What happens in an airline emergency, when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling? Do you look after everybody else who’s dependant on you first? That would be most people’s first instinct, to immediately help their loved ones, but it would be wrong. You put your own oxygen mask on first, and then help your children, or your disabled friend, or your elderly parents with their mask. Why? If you’re unconscious from lack of oxygen, then you CAN’T help those who are depending on you and you will all suffer.

So, you need to look on your exercise, sleep and food as your oxygen mask. Take care of yourself so that you can be fit, strong, well-rested and healthy. That way you will be better able to deal with life’s problems and you can be all the stronger for those who depend on you. "

Jadey 0:-) said...

Wow such a LONG comment and I forgot to add - Good luck with your tri!

Ashley C aka Kitten said...

Hmmm..... and all this time I thought I was the only one who ever felt this way! Reflection is good. Good luck with your tri!

lisa jane said...

I too have felt this way,any times,as if my life is passing me by whilst I am far too bust wiping the fingerprints from my refrigerator and making grocery lists.It is interesting to hear you are a psych student,me too!!!Though I have had a few false starts along the way.

I love your new swimmers :)